Care home kids
by harrypottergleek97
Summary: Dan is new to the care home but not to the system. He meets Phil and finally things get better, but will it last? Phan. I know it's really long, but I can promise you it's worth it! (I hope :D)
1. Chapter 1

**Care home kids **

**Chapter 1: Dan's arrival **

He walked up the long pathway that led to the next care home trying to ignore the stares and the whispers from behind him. He was 'just another care kid' so he was used to it. Used to how people would stare at him wearily, wondering what sort of trouble he was going to cause, used to the whispers of "Care home? It must be so hard when your parents don't want you." Sometimes people tried to be sympathetic, but that was just as bad. He didn't want to be singled out, to be pitied. Most of the time though, you were just ignored. That's how he liked it.

He finally managed to drag his suitcase up the stairway in front of the house, and he pushed on the door to let himself in. It was his new home after all, why would he knock? He wasn't too bothered about making people angry though, he probably wouldn't be here for long. This was his 12 care home in just under 2 years. He never stayed anywhere for long. One by one each care home decided he was too much to handle, and they moved him along. He was used to it. You learn not to get too many possessions, learn to travel light so you can leave at a moment's notice. He chuckled slightly to himself, his suitcase wasn't exactly light. He sighed as he stepped into the huge hallway, closing the door behind him. He looked around and took it all in. There was a lot of yellow; it was starting to give him a headache. This wasn't like most of the care homes he'd been in. They were all old houses with long cold corridors. This was more modern, more comfy. Maybe it would be better here, he told himself. Maybe he'd stay here longer, after all, this was a care home for 'difficult children' as his old head care worker had called it, before telling him he wasn't going to be his care worker anymore. They always changed too. Nobody wanted to stick with him, he just made people uncomfortable. He was tempted to walk straight back out, but he'd promised Jake, his favourite carer from his last home, that he'd at least give it a shot. He prepared himself to go find someone and tell them he was here when a boy walked out of the room directly opposite from him, watching his phone.

Phil scanned through twitter on his phone having just stolen the new code so he could access the internet on his phone. They weren't supposed to have un-authorised internet access, he assumed because they might look up ways to hurt themselves. Or others. Most of the people in this place were good enough at that anyway, they didn't need research. They also weren't meant to be a member of any social networking sites until they were 16 either, 'for their own safety', but Phil knew for a fact some of the younger kids had facebook. He walked out of the main living room and felt a presence. He glanced up, wondering if Oliver was watching from under the staircase again and saw a boy. Phil assumed he was new, but he was a bit distracted. This boy was tall and lanky, with brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. He had prominent cheek bones and tanned skin. Phil took all this in quickly and then noticed the adorable dimples the boy had as he smiled at him.

The boy glanced up from his phone, and Dan was happy he was too far away to see his shaking. He had dark hair that cut across his face, a bit like his own, and he was very pale. He was skinny, and smaller than him, although not by much. He saw his eyes, they were a startling blue. It felt like he was staring right through him. Dan smiled, deciding he wanted to put in the effort to get to know this boy. Most of the time he wouldn't bother, but he decided to make an exception. The boy smiled back at him, sticking his tongue out slightly as he did so. He slid his phone in his back pocket as he walked over, still smiling. He came and stood in front of Dan who said a soft "Hey". The boy studied him for a minute before replying just as quietly "Hi. What's your name?" He spoke as though he was talking to a small child and Dan tried to speak a bit louder, trying to show he was normal. He wasn't, most care kids weren't, but he still wanted to appear as such. Most care kids had a few issues, but Dan hated it when people assumed things. "Dan, yours?" The boy smiled still as he replied "Phil, you staying here?" Dan motioned towards his suitcase and said "Yup." He struggled not to laugh as he watched a slight blush cross Phil's cheeks.

Why had he asked him if he was staying? He was such an idiot. He felt the warmth on his cheeks and decided to try and distract Dan from his idiocy. "Erm, I guess I better take you to Dave. He's the boss around here." Dan smiled and made to pick up his suitcase but Phil shook his head "Leave it here. No-ones gonna touch it, there all out." Dan raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Sarah's taken them out to see some film at the cinema." Dan put the suitcase back down and Phil started walking through the living room he had just exited. "Why aren't you there?" Phil laughed and said "One, I have no interest in whatever animated movie they went to see, because it's not Disney and it doesn't have Sarah Michelle Gellar in it. Two, I hate watching movies with that lot. All they do is natter." Dan laughed "I hate that too." They wandered through the kitchen and Phil sneakily reached into a drawer. He grabbed two things out of it and threw one at Dan, who caught it easily. It was chocolate bar. Phil stuck his tongue out at him and whispered "Have it later. They think I don't know where they keep them!" Dan chuckled slightly. He suddenly realised that Phil was a lot older than most kids he'd ever seen in care, and before thinking he said "Phil? How old are you? You're the oldest kid I've seen in one of these places." Phil replied causally "18. They got special permission to keep me here till im 19. Afraid I'm gonna relapse I guess." Dan decided not to question further, he just smiled at Phil who returned the smile before saying "How old are you?" Dan sighed, embarrassed. People never believed his age; apparently he looked so much older. He couldn't see it himself and he made it clear when he said "Turned 14 two weeks ago. Apparently I look older, but…" Phil laughed and replied "You do!" They stopped in front of a door which had a bee painted on it. Phil whispered "Prepare to enter the dragons den" Dan bit his lip, slightly nervous and whispered back "Is he that bad?"Phil chuckled before saying in normal volume "Nope." He pushed the door open without even knocking and called "Dave, Dan's here." Dan wandered into the office and smiled slightly. It was a mess, paper everywhere, and Dan liked it. He liked things that looked lived in. He glanced over at the only person in the room, and his smile grew wider. The man was bald and wore glasses, he looked slightly flustered. He was staring at the boy in surprise and he smacked himself on the forehead comically. "God, sorry! I got the days confused again; I didn't think you were coming until tomorrow." He leant forward a shook Dan's hand warmly before motioning for him to sit down. "So, I'm Dave, and I see you've already met Phil. The other people that work here you'll get to know soon enough too. There's only Sarah, Harry and Sonia. We're a pretty small group here, so you'll get to know the other kids here soon enough too I expect." Dan nodded slightly, looking at his hands. Dave smiled at him and said calmly "I'm not going to give you a huge talk, you know how it works, I know you've been to plenty of these places. It's a bit different here, but you'll adjust. You'll be fine! I guess I should let you get settled, your room number 11. Do you want me to come with you?" Dan shook his head and said "its fine, I'll go by myself. Thanks Dave." It was strange calling adults by their first names; all his care homes had been strict. He nodded again as he left, and he saw Phil sat on the floor on his phone, waiting. Dan smiled again and Phil bounced up quickly. "What room you in?" Dan thought for a minute and said "11" Phil's smile dropped slightly and he said "Not on my floor. You're with the littlies. Oh well, it'll be quieter! Come on, I'll show you to your room." Dan smiled again and said "Sure". They retraced their steps back to the lobby so Dan could grab his suitcase and Phil winked at him. "Were not meant to use the lift, but Dave isn't gonna care while the others are out." Dan nodded his head gratefully; happy he wasn't going to have to carry his suitcase up the stairs. Soon they'd reached the first floor, and Phil lead him to the other end of the corridor. He opened the door and bowed deeply "You humble abode sir" Dan giggled and walked in, dumping his suitcase on the bed. It was fairly basic, just a desk against one wall with a chair, and a bed against the other wall. There was one thing that made his grin spread across his face though. He had a large window, and even though it was locked, Dan didn't care. He was more interested on the cushioned seat that was where the windowsill would normally be. "I've always wanted something like this!" he exclaimed. Phil laughed and said "Yeah, you've got one of the best rooms alright. Do you want to get settled or…?" Phil's question tailed off and Dan raised an eyebrow before asking "or what?" Phil laughed and said "I could give you a tour if you'd like." Dan nodded vigorously.

Soon they were back downstairs, and Phil was showing him around. He'd already seen the living room and the kitchen so Phil showed him the other rooms. There was a games room, with one wall taken up by computers and another with a shelving unit full of games, DVDs and books. There was a snooker table in the middle of the room. There was also what Phil called "the quiet room" which was painted completely white. There was no windows, just a beanbag, and nothing else. Phil looked at Dan's look of confusion and asked him "Didn't you have one of these in your old home?" Dan shook his head "Nope, none of them" Phil didn't ask what he meant, but just said "They send us here when we go too far. It drives you crazy, it's too quiet." He nodded towards the walls "Soundproof." Dan looked at him and asked timidly "Have you been in here." Phil nodded, but said nothing. Dan didn't push him, and they carried on the tour. The only other room on the ground floor was the 'therapy room' but it was locked. The other three floors were dedicated to bedrooms, even though there weren't that many kids. Phil took him up to the top floor and along the corridor. He stopped in front of a door and said "And here's my room" before opening the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Talking **

Dan gasped. Phil's room was… amazing! He walked in slowly, staring around. It was emerald green, and most of the walls were covered in movie and TV series posters. One wall though was devoted to a huge mural, the centre piece of which was a huge cartoon lion face. Phil laughed when he noticed Dan looking at it, and said "I like lions!" throwing his hands up defensibly. There was a TV and a beanbag in one corner, and two bookcases with DVDs in the other. There was a full-length mirror on one wall, and Phil saw Dan looking at it. He chuckled slightly and said "It was difficult to get that. I had to do loads of begging, and then loads of tests. They thought I might break it and use it to hurt myself." Phil looked at Dan's shocked expression and carried on quickly "I don't do… that. I guess it just comes with the whole 'troubled kids' thing." He studied Dan's face for a moment and the shrugged his shoulders. "I wouldn't let anyone touch me before I came here. I freaked out when someone even brushed against me. I got sent here when I attacked a boy in my old care home when he poked me." He smiled again slightly, and Dan smiled back. "You seem fine now." Phil fell backwards on his bed with an "ompff." He paused and said "Yeah, I got over it. I decided I liked it here, so I worked to get over it. I'm fine now, but I think they worry I might relapse if I go anywhere else. They can't keep me much longer though." Dan remembered what Phil had said earlier and asked "How long till you turn 19?" Phil smiled at him and said "5 months, then im freeeeee" He puffed out his cheeks and breathed out slowly. Dan laughed at this and then they went silent for a while. It was a got silence, comfortable. Dan was thinking, and he finally came to a decision. He wasn't used to feeling this comfortable around people and he decided that he didn't mind telling Phil. He didn't really talk about it too people, in fact most of the time he downright refused. He looked over at Phil and said "I'm here because… I guess the other places couldn't cope with me." Phil turned his head slightly to look at him, and nodded towards the beanbag without saying anything. Dan sat down and continued "I've been to 12 care homes." Phil raised an eyebrow and said, chuckling "You don't seem that bad to me." Dan blushed slightly and said "I ran away from 4 of them, got thrown out of 5 for fighting and the rest told me they 'thought I'd be better somewhere else'." Phil thought for a moment and asked curiously "Why'd you run away?" Dan replied, slightly quieter "I missed my mum. I was sick of the sympathy from the workers and the teasing from the kids. I thought I could cope on my own. I could, they just found me every time. I was missing for just under 3 weeks once." Phil furrowed his brow slightly before saying "The people who teased you were idiots." Dan laughed slightly before saying "It didn't bother me that much. I guess I'd grown up too much to care." He took a deep breath and said "My mum started getting ill when I was 11, and I looked after her. I had to go shopping every day after school, and then go home and cook. She got worse and I had to help her get dressed. Soon she couldn't even talk. I came home from school one day and she'd fallen down. I panicked; I didn't know what to do, so I called an ambulance. Social services found out and I was thrown in my first care home. My mum died a few weeks later. S-she… overdosed. I think she hated the hospital so much…." He took another deep breath, not looking at Phil. "They wanted to get hold of my Dad, but I told them it was pointless. There was no way I was going to live with him. He'd never wanted anything to do with me, and I wasn't going to force myself onto him just because I was on my own." Phil watched him and waited for Dan to look at him. When he did he just smiled. They both knew that you don't want to hear "I'm sorry" or "That must have been so hard." It felt insincere, and to be honest, you didn't want people to feel sorry for you. You just wanted people to accept you, and unfortunately that meant they had to accept their past. Everyone was here for a reason after all. Phil closed his eyes and said "I wouldn't let anyone touch me because my dad used to beat me and my mum up. I didn't stay with my mum, she was almost has bad. She blamed me every time dad hurt her, and she just used to lock me in my room. Sometimes she didn't even let me out for school. One day I was sleeping around me friend's house and his mum noticed the bruises. I ended up here." He opened his eyes and saw Dan watching him. He just nodded at Phil, smiling. Phil smiled back and they fell back into their comfortable silence. After a while Dan asked "Did you paint the wall?" Phil smiled at him and said "Some of it, yeah. There was another boy here, called PJ. He helped me paint it. He left when he got too old. He used to visit, but not so much now." Dan furrowed his eyes slightly, suddenly remembering that Phil wasn't the only other kid in this place. "What are the other kids like here?" Dan asked casually. Phil sighed slightly and said "Idiots, most of them. The small ones aren't bad, although their a bit clingy. There aren't many of us. There's the twins, Emily and Jay. Their nothing like each other though. Jay's a right tomboy, she spends most of her time out, which annoys Dave because she always misses curfew. Emily's a typical girly girl, she likes dressing people up even though she's 15. She spends most of her time out too, with boys. Jake is your typical bully, and there's another girl called Zeena, she doesn't talk to anyone. She's not that bad I guess, I just don't know her. Then there's Oliver, he's only 6, he's a bit weird I guess. He likes to hide in places and watch people, but he's pretty sweet. He just has bad days where he'll just sit there and rock." Phil's eyebrows furrow slightly "The only other kid is Lucy, she's 8, and is obsessed with cats." This made him smile "The two small ones are alright too, but most of the time I just spend up here watching TV." Dan laughed slightly and said "That's all I've really ever done, even before I ended up in care homes!" Phil chuckled slightly and glanced at his mobile. "We better go downstairs, the others are due back any second and we should be having dinner soon." He bounced off his bed and reached a hand out to help Dan up, which he took. As he touched it and Phil pulled him up he felt a small shock pass through him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: The first night **

Phil was right, just as we got back to the ground floor the others arrived. The minute they walked through the door, the two smallest children ran up to Phil. "Phil!" the girl, Lucy, Dan remembered, squealed as she tackled his legs. He ruffled her hair and all of a sudden Oliver was launching himself into Phil's arms. Phil laughed and casually slung him over his shoulders to give him a piggy back. Dan watched in amazement, Phil was just… great. He didn't seem to let anything bother him, he was just genuinely nice. Dan had never been able to cope with the small kids in his care homes, they were just so clingy. It wasn't their fault, after being abandoned or whatever had happened to you at that young an age, it was natural that you thought everyone was going to leave you, so you'd try and cling on. Sometimes Dan still wanted to do it. Phil managed to unhook Lucy from around his legs and held her hand instead, before saying "Hey Luce, Ollie, how was the film?" Lucy giggled and said "It was ok, you should have come! Sarah spilt coke all over her!" Sure enough Dan glanced over at one of the adults and they had a huge stain on the front of their shirt. Phil chuckled slightly and said "Hey, you two, this is Dan. Be nice alright, or I might have to bring lion Phil out and he'll eat you." Lucy squealed and ran in the direction of the kitchen and Phil laughed. He quickly reached behind him and picked Oliver off of his shoulders before saying softly "You know I can't carry you like that anymore Ollie, you've got to tall! You'll hit your head on the doorways!" Oliver pouted slightly at Phil before sticking his tongue out and running in the same direction as Lucy. Phil smiled at Dan, and they followed.

They reached the kitchen and Lucy and Oliver were already seated with one space between them. Phil chuckled slightly and said "Lucy, do you want to sit opposite me today? If you do after dinner we can play with the cats." A grin spread across Lucy's face and she disappeared under the table before appearing on the other side. Phil went and sat next to Oliver, motioning for Dan to sit next to him. Eventually everyone had filtered in and Dan was sat in-between Phil and the woman he supposed was Sarah. Dave turned away from the oven and placed on the table with a flourish what looked like some sort of pasta dish. He walked around the table quickly, filling up everyone's glass with water and chatting about the film, seeming undeterred when most of the kids didn't say anything. He sat down in the only empty place and said "Right, we have a new arrival today, and I figured we should all introduce ourselves while we wait for the food to call down." Dan heard a lot of sighs around the table and he smiled to himself, he guessed something's never changed. Nobody ever wanted to go through the whole "Hi I'm…" routine. He was looking at the table and he heard somebody whisper loudly, obviously meaning to be heard "Great, he looks like a nutter." And somebody replied just as loudly "Looks like an emo freak like Phil, look at his hair." Before Dan could think of something to say he heard Phil say, not even pretending to whisper, "Shut up idiots, at least he's not an asshole." Dan glanced over to Phil and smiled slightly and Phil smiled back, but they were distracted by Dave saying "Guys! Look, I'll start. My names Dave and I'm very messy." They went round the table, and most of the kids only said their names. The first kid had short, obviously dyed red hair and she was slim and short. She reminded Dan of a pixie. She said "My names Jay and I want to go out." She glared at Dave who just shook his head. The girl next to her was her twin, but they looked nothing alike. The only similarity was that they both had brown eyes. The girl was tall and was wearing a lot of pink. Her eyelids were shimmering and her lips glossy, she looked like a little girl who'd been playing with her mother's make up. When she spoke she had a high sugary voice and she said "My names Emily and unfortunately I'm a twin" Her and her sister started punching each other under the table. The next person was a hulking boy who looked like he was on some sort of steroids, his body was so muscled, it looked grotesque. He grunted "My names Jake." One of the adults was sat next to him and she was tanned with long fake nails. She had blonde hair and green eyes, a pretty combination, not that Dan noticed. She smiled reassuringly at Dan before saying "My names Sonia and I like music." The next girl was Lucy. She had long black hair and very light brown eyes. She smiled brightly at Dan and said "I'm Lucy and I like cats." Dan smiled back at her, remembering Phil telling him she was obsessed. She was sat next to another adult who sighed before saying "I'm Harry and I like chocolate." He was pale with watery blue eyes which Dan could already imagine narrowing in anger. Next was a girl who Dan hadn't even noticed, which amazed him considering how colourful she was. She had hair that was died a combination a sky blue and pastel pink. She had bright green nails to match her bright green skinny jeans and she was wearing a neon pink button up shirt which Dan was pretty sure would glow in the dark. She sat there not saying anything. The woman next to Dan piped up and said "That's Zeena and she has crazy hair. I'm Sarah and I'm a klutz." She said, motioning to her t-shirt. Little Oliver piped up then, saying "My names Oliver and I'm a spy." All the kids apart from Phil and Dan groaned and there were outbursts of "Oliver! You're not a spy!" Dan noticed Phil lean over during this commotion, and Dan could have sworn he heard him whisper "It's good they don't believe you! Remember you need to keep your cover!" When the noise died down Phil announced "Im Phil and I like lions." He leant forward and high-fived Lucy over the table as she said "Lions are big cats!" That only left Dan. He tried to smile and he decided to stick to the animal theme. "My names Dan and I like llamas".

Dinner passed quickly after that and it was a rowdy affair. People were shouting over each other and kicking each other under the tables. Eventually it was finished and everyone wandered into the living room or their own bedrooms. Oliver had to go to his therapy session, something which only Phil remembered. Dan, Phil and Lucy walked Oliver to the room and Oliver looked up at Phil worriedly. Phil smiled down at him and said "Remember, this is a crucial part of your spy work!" Oliver nodded sadly and walked in. Phil, Dan and Lucy walked to Lucy's room so she could get her 'cat brush' and while she was in there Dan turned to Phil. "You're really good with the little ones." He mumbled. Phil nodded and said "I don't see the point in trying to make this place miserable for them. Let Oliver play at being a spy, people forget that these two a still little kids. This is the stuff they would be doing at home, so why shouldn't they do it here? I just don't want to see these guys go from sweet kids to the ones you normally get in places like this. The ones who don't trust anyone, who just hide away and don't get a childhood." Suddenly, Dan was hugging him, but he pulled away quickly, blushing slightly. He said quickly "It's really nice what you do for them." Phil just smiled at him and then Lucy came out, so they walked up to Phil's room.

When they got there Phil looked through his pile of huge cuddly toys until he found what he was looking for, and pulled it out. It was a giant cat, and Lucy screamed with delight when she saw it. She automatically grabbed it from Phil and whispered to it while she went to sit in the corner. When she sat, she started brushing it, still whispering. Phil smiled at her for a few minutes before turning to Dan and saying happily "So, do you wanna watch a film?" Dan nodded and followed Phil over to his DVD collection. He scanned them quickly, surprised to see that him and Phil had similar Film and TV taste. Dexter, Buffy, Death note, but none of these were suitable with Lucy in the room. They settled on watching a few episodes of Pokemon. Phil slid the DVD into his DVD player and then they settled down. He grabbed the beanbag and pulled it over to the TV and Phil and Dan laid down next to each other using the beanbag as a pillow.

After 3 hours Phil leaned away slightly reaching for a marker pen. Dan watched him out of the corner of his eye wondering what he was doing. He finally managed to get hold of it and started to draw on his face. Dan turned to face him fully now, and opened his mouth to ask him when Phil motioned to him to be quiet. Dan watched as he scribbled on the tip of his nose and drew lines on his cheeks and he felt a grin spread across his face. He was drawing cat whiskers. He put the marker down smirking at Dan and then continued to watch the TV as though nothing had happened. He kept glancing at his phone though, and after about 15 minutes he winked at Dan. He turned around quickly the face Lucy and yelled "Roar! It's bedtime and you're still awake. You know what that means!" He pounced towards her but somehow she managed to dodge him and she ran out of the room giggling. Dan burst into laughter and Phil just grinned at him before coming back to lie down next to Dan. They stayed like that for a while before there was a knock on the door, and Dan shuffled further away from Phil automatically. He didn't know why, but he felt like they'd get in trouble. Phil just smiled at him and called out "Yeah?" Sarah's voice called back "Hey Phil , is Dan with you?" Phil chuckled again and said "Er yeah, come in!" She opened the door but didn't come in. She smiled at Dan and said "Sorry, but it's half nine, it's curfew for you Dan" Dan smiled at her and said as he got up "S' fine. See you later Phil!" Phil just looked at him for a moment before standing up. He pulled Dan into a quick hug, which surprised him and he hugged him back. Phil pulled away after a moment and went to sit on his bed. "Meow" he said to Dan, who chuckled slightly and said "Meow right back at ya!" before following Sarah out of the room.

He had been lying in his bed for about 2 hours when he decided to give up. He'd been having trouble sleeping for a while now, and he didn't see the point in trying. He couldn't shut his brain up. For some reason he couldn't stop thinking about Phil. How warm he was when Dan hugged him, how pale his flawless skin was, how kind and funny and random he was. He was how Dan imagined the perfect human to be. He completely broke… no destroyed all the boundaries of being a 'care home kid'. He was nice and he didn't seem to only care about himself. His eyes were so clear, and he just made Dan feel… comfortable, and happy, and just… stuff he hadn't felt in a long time. He'd only known him for a day, but he knew that Phil was the best person to walk into his life, apart from his mum of course. He didn't pity or give fake sympathy. He just listened and understood. Dan wanted to make an effort here, to try and make this work. Not just because of Phil, although Dan had to admit to himself that he played a big part, but because he liked it here. This whole place made him feel comfortable, even… at home, even if some of the kids seemed like typical bullies you get in most care homes, Dan was used to that. He liked the freedom he felt he had here, he felt as though he could be himself here. He didn't really know what that was yet, he hadn't really had time to think about it. He was just… Dan. He liked his own company, although some people, like Phil, managed to worm their way in. He knew a few things about himself. He knew he was random, he knew that he liked music and stuff like that, but that wasn't really… him. The only in depth thing he understood about himself was that he was gay. He'd figured that out around the 3rd or 4th care home. He'd done the whole 'coming out' thing for a while, not too bothered what people thought about him. Eventually though, he gave up on it. What was the point when he kept moving on, all it meant was that he got bullied for the few months he was in each care home. He just kept it to himself now. He wasn't ashamed, but he didn't see the point. It was nobody but his own business anyway. He was only thinking about it now because Phil kept popping into his head. Dan sighed, staring at the cream walls of his bedroom, wishing it didn't look so plain. Phil had told him that once it was clear you were going to be permanent you were allowed to decorate your room, and Dan was looking forward it. For now however he was going to have to cope. He suddenly remembered he'd forgot to unpack and he could have sworn he put a few posters in there. What the hell, he couldn't sleep anyway.

He rolled over and sighed as he climbed out of bed and wandered towards the suitcase. He rummaged through it for a minute before finding what he was looking for. He grabbed the headphones and reached for his phone on his desk. He plugged them in and slid them in his ears, sighing as he listened to some my chemical romance. He started unpacking his bag, whispering the words to himself. He hung up his clothes in the wardrobe and finally made it to his personal belongings. He found the posters with blue tack still attached to the back of them and stuck them up on one wall quickly. He put his laptop and his favourite piece of clothing on his desk. He loved his llama hat. All that was left were his DVD's and some photos. He carefully placed the photos on his desk, not looking at them to closely. He didn't want to have a break down or something, which he had quite a lot whenever he thought to much about his mum. One doctor had diagnosed them as a rare form of panic attack, where he didn't act like most people having panic attacks did. He didn't go quiet or cry, he screamed and kicked ranted, worsening the fact that he struggled to breathe during these episodes. He wasn't normally like that, but during these episodes he just seemed to change into a completely different person. That was probably another reason he was sent to this place. He stood still for a moment, concentrating on not thinking about it for fear of causing an attack. He hated them so much and he always felt guilty after. He normally had to spend a few days in bed after; they wore him out so much.

He was placing his DVD's in his desk drawer a while later, still calming himself, when he heard a loud cough. He spun around quickly, ripping his headphones out of his ears, to see Dave in the doorway."Oh, sorry" Dan whispered apologetically "Was I being too loud?" He saw Dave shake his head slightly before saying quietly "No, its fine. I was just doing my night round and I could hear you walking around. You ok?" Dan nodded quickly "Yeah, fine. Just struggling to sleep you know, so I thought I'd sort my stuff out." Dave smiled slightly at him and replied "Ok, well it's 4 in the morning, so try and get a little sleep, ok?" before shutting the door. Dan shrugged his shoulders and went back to organising his DVDs. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he didn't see the point in saying he'd try.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: The morning**

Dan was looking for his phone charger when he heard giggles in the corridor and a muffled voice that sounded like Phil's. Dan smiled to himself and carried on looking for his charger before his phone died, he had been listening to music on it all night after all. He finally found it and plugged it in before walking over to his bedroom door. He could hear Oliver's screams of delight and Phil growling something, and Dan opened his door to the chaos that was a typical morning in this place.

Phil was holding Oliver upside down with Lucy clinging to his back and was growling at the both "Now come on guys, time to get washed. Come on you two! Look, you don't have to get changed, you can have a PJ day if you want, but you need to get washed, guyyyyyyys!" he whined. He saw Dan stood in his doorway, face bright red from trying not to laugh, and pouted slightly. "A little help please" he asked desperately "I think they ate some chocolate or something last night, their overly hyper." Dan laughed and teased "You sure you didn't give it to them?" Phil stuck his tongue out "Maybe." Dan walked forward and peeled Lucy off Phil's back, holding her away from his body. He started swinging her from side to side and she giggled. They finally managed to get them to the bathroom and Phil chucked Oliver in, promising he wasn't going to let him out until he went to the toilet. Phil sat against the door and Dan sat next to him, placing Lucy in front of him. Straight away she started trying to teach Dan some complicated hand clapping game, but he wasn't concentrating. He was too busy talking to Phil. "You do this every morning?" he laughed. Phil sighed and said "Yup. It's easier on weekdays when their more tiered because they have to get up early for school." Lucy pouted slightly at him before moaning "School today?" Phil chuckled at her and ruffled her hair as he replied "Nope, not today. School's tomorrow brat." She giggled slightly and carried on trying to teach Dan, who was now even more distracted. He didn't want to think about school, the idea of going to a new school and starting all over again made him want to groan. Phil could see the look of worry and slight annoyance on his face and whispered "It'll be fine. I'm still at the 6th form where you're going, it's not too bad." Dan smiled at him, trying to show he was fine. "I'm sure I'll get used to it." Lucy fell into more peals of laughter as Dan messed up the clapping sequence again and Phil turned to her, rolling his eyes. "Useless, isn't he?" Lucy laughed again but was interrupted by a banging on the door. "I'M DONE PHIL!" Oliver screamed through the door. Phil stood up and opened the door, staring down at the small boy before asking sternly "Did you wash your hands?" The little boy averted his eyes, nodding. Phil tutted and said "I can tell when you're lying, come on!" He picked Oliver up and held him over the sink so he could wash his hands. After Oliver was done Phil squirted some toothpaste onto two tooth brushes and handed the pink one to Lucy, who turned quickly to Dan. "Brush my teeth?" she asked sweetly and Dan smiled, taking the tooth brush from her. Phil was rubbing off on him obviously; he'd never been one to get along with small kids. He knelt down and Phil glanced up from brushing Oliver's teeth. "Hey! Luce, you can brush your teeth yourself! You're big enough and ugly enough!" Lucy mumbled through a mouth full off toothpaste "I'm not ugly!"

Soon they'd finished getting Oliver and Lucy ready, and just before they ran off the go play Lucy gave Dan a hug. He stiffened for a minute before quickly wrapping his arms around her, his eyebrows raised in shock. She let go and ran off, and Dan stood up, and looked over at Phil who was grinning. Dan just muttered "Don't say anything!" and Phil replied teasingly "I think Dan's made a friend!" Dan stuck his tongue out and said "I guess we better get ready now they're sorted." Phil nodded and they walked along the corridor in a comfortable silence. When they reached Dan's room he gave Phil an awkward wave and tried to ignore the chuckle that escaped his lips as he wandered towards the staircase.

Phil bent over the sink brushing his teeth, thankful that Jake and Zeena were still asleep. He hated fighting for the bathroom, but weekends were normally ok considering most of them slept in till noon. His mind drifted back to Dan again, and he smiled slightly. He seemed to be settling really well, and Phil found himself hopeful that this place wouldn't just become another home in Dan's long list. Phil was still slightly worried however, and it took him a moment to realise it was because there was a sign that Dan wasn't settling in as well as he appeared. He had dark circles under his eyes, as though he hadn't been sleeping. Phil thought about asking him, but decided against it. He didn't like it when people pried, so he made a point of not doing it himself. He'd tell you stuff if he wanted to, and he had a feeling that Dan was the same. He wandered back to his room to get dressed.

Dan was back in his room after finishing in the bathroom and rootling through his wardrobe. He finally decided to wear his black skinny jeans and a plain white t-shirt. He went over to his suitcase looking for his straighteners, but realised that he must have forgotten to pack them. "Shit!" he murmured under his breath, and grabbed his hair brush. He ran back to the bathroom with it and tried to flatten his hair with water. It helped, but it was still a mess. He fixed it as best he could and wandered back to his room. Suddenly he realised that Phil had seen him without straight hair, and this bothered him. God, he hated his natural hair. He looked around his room, and spotted his llama hat. He grabbed it a pulled it on. It would have to do.

When he got downstairs Phil was already there, slumped on a sofa on his phone. Dan sat on the sofa opposite him and Phil looked up, raising an eyebrow. "I don't bite" he laughed and Dan smiled, feeling like an idiot. He got up and moved to sit next to Phil, who nudged him when he sat. "We've got a few hours to ourselves. Ollie and Luce are in the garden annoying Sarah and all the others won't get up until noon." Dan smiled and said "Cool, what do you wanted to do?"

It was a normal day, and Dan enjoyed it. He never really got many normal days, not with all the trouble that seemed to surround him, so when he had them, he enjoyed them. He ate a breakfast of cereal with Phil, and they spent a few hours just watching TV. When the others woke up they wandered into the garden with some art supplies. It was a warm day, and Dan lied on the grass and listened to Phil. "I need to do some design and finish my final piece for my art course work. I'm not very good if I'm being honest, I just find drawing fun." Dan interrupted, laughing "Not very good? The lion is amazing!" Phil chuckled "Well I've been drawing those since I was able to hold a pencil! Anyway, I have to do a final piece for my exam work, and Dave's letting me do a painting on the shed." Dan raised an eyebrow, smiling "That's really cool!" Phil chuckled and said "I'd rather do it in the quiet room, brighten the place up a bit, but I'd never be allowed!" Dan smiled again and said "Is it really that bad in there?" Phil nodded "I hate it. I've been in there 3 times. 1st time was because I still wasn't letting people touch me, so they needed to separate me from the other kids. Second time PJ and I were caught bunking and the third time they thought I was smoking. I wasn't, Jake planted his fags on me, and I wasn't going to rat him out." Dan nodded, understanding. One of the only rules in care homes is you don't rat each other out. It would make life very hard for you if you did. Dan watched Phil draw some design ideas for a little while before asking "Is there like a theme or something or…." Phil paused a moment and said "Yeah. My teacher nearly had a heart attack when she got it, just because I was in the class." He took a deep breath "its family. That's why I want to do it here, this place and the people in it our family, and I don't want anyone to forget me when I leave." Dan looked at him for another moment before rolling closer to look at his designs. "Don't worry, we won't forget you!" he said softly "I won't let them." Phil smiled at him and said "I'm gonna visit anyway, so it's not like you'll never see me." Dan smiled nervously before saying quietly "Good. When's your final piece have to be finished by anyway?" Phil bit his lip worriedly before saying "Tuesday. I've been putting it off." Dan laughed before replying sarcastically "Oh, plenty of time to paint a whole shed then."

Phil decided to finish the designs on that day and try and paint the whole shed when he got back from 6th form on Monday. Soon it was time for dinner, and they re-entered the house to find out that Oliver and Lucy had decided to cover Oliver's bedroom wall with paint splattering, Jay and Emily had both gone out with their friends for dinner. Although Phil thought they were probably at a park with some boys and fish and chips, and Jake had gone around his friend's house. Phil sniggered slightly, wondering what he was doing, probably getting drunk. Dinner was a quieter affair with Dave, Sarah and Harry. Zeena was sat on her own on the other side of the table in silence, and Phil and Dan were sat with Oliver and Lucy who smelled strongly of soap. After dinner Dan and Phil were planning on going back up to Phil's room to watch a film, but as they stood up to leave, Dave called him back. "Dan, would you mind coming to my office for a minute? I need to talk to you." Dan automatically had that _what have I done? _Feeling, but he tried to calm down. He hadn't done anything bad today as far as he was aware, it was probably just about school the next day. He nodded quickly and glanced at Phil before following Dave. Phil smiled at him and said "I'll see you in my room, ok?" Dan nodded quickly and followed Dave to his office. Once they were both sat down, Dave smiled and said "I'd guess from the bags under your eyes that you didn't sleep after I left last night?" Dan didn't say anything, just shook his head and Dave studied him for a moment. "Well, you start at Oakridge High tomorrow, so you should try and get some sleep tonight, alright? We take you and bring you back; you just have to wait in the car park with the others. Unfortunately none of the kids here are in your year, but I'm sure you'll make new friends quickly enough. Your welcome to bring kids back, but you have to give us three days notice. We'll take you to the headmasters office tomorrow" Dan opened his mouth to speak but Dave continued "I'm sorry Dan but we have to, but don't worry we won't take you to you class or anything. We just have to talk to the head and then you'll be free to go." Dan sighed before asking "Ok, can I go now?" Dave smiled at him and said "Not just yet. There are a few other things I want to talk to you about." Dan's face fell, what had he done? Dave saw this and chuckled slightly "You're not in trouble, it's just general stuff. You have to go to 3 starter therapy sessions, just something everyone does when they come here. If everything's fine then you won't have to go to anymore. Your first one is Wednesday after dinner ok?" Dan nodded silently. He'd never had any therapy but he didn't like the sound of it. "The only other thing is we received your savings last night, so if you want to go out and buy anything for your room or something…" Dan interrupted and said quickly "Can I go today? I really need some straighteners and I would like to get a TV." He knew he had a lot of money; it was what his mum left him when she died. He'd never touched it, but he felt like he had finally found somewhere where he could settle down. Dave thought for a moment before saying "I guess you could ask Sarah to drive you into town. She doesn't know it very well though; you might want to take Phil to help you find the stuff you need." Dan nodded vigorously and Dave laughed. "I guess you better ask Phil and Sarah then."

Phil, Sarah and Dan got back a few hours later, and Phil and Dan had to use the lift again to manoeuvre the stuff into Dan's room. He'd brought a pair of decent hair straighteners and they'd found a good TV which had come with a free stand. By the time they had got it all sorted in Dan's room, it was curfew again. As Dan climbed into bed he realised that he hadn't had a chance to think about school. He wondered if this was Dave's aim and smiled to himself, this was the best full first day in care he had ever had.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Another sleepless night **

Dan hadn't had time to think about school, but now he did. He couldn't sleep, which wasn't surprising. He was just tossing and turning in his bed, unable to shut his brain up. He couldn't stop remembering the other schools he'd been to, and how much he'd hated each and every one of them. The teachers either ignored you or treated you like a little kid. They obviously talked about you behind your back. The kids were more straight forward about it. If you were in the care system, you were an easy target for bullying, unless of course, you were a bully. Eventually Dan untangled his limbs from the covers and sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. He was starting to get frustrated. He needed to sleep or tomorrow was going to be even worse. He didn't know how to get to sleep though; he'd tried everything in the past. He didn't know how long he'd been sat like that when he heard his door creak open. "Hi Dave" he said, waiting for him to tell Dan to go to sleep. He heard a chuckle and he snapped his head up. Phil was stood in his doorway and Dan flashed him a smile before hissing "What are you doing down here?" Phil smiled back at him and whispered "Can I come in?" Dan nodded and he walked in, closing the door behind him. Dan patted the spot next to him on the bed and Phil sat down. "Sonia's not well and she normally does my floor's night check. I told Dave to check my floor and I'd help out by doing this one since the small ones like me." He flashed a cheeky grin at Dan who muttered "Im not small!" before smiling to show he was joking. Phil patted him on the back slightly before asking "Can't sleep?" Dan sighed and whispered "I can't remember the last time I had a decent night's sleep." Phil thought for a minute before saying "I was nervous on my first day at Oakridge too. Do you want me to stay while you try and go to sleep?" Dan thought for a moment before nodding and crawling back into the bed. Phil twisted slightly so he could see Dan, who had his back to Phil. He reached forward cautiously and started rubbing small circles on his back. He felt Dan relax under his fingers, and he smiled to himself. They stayed like this for a long time, in silence, Phil rubbing soothingly on Dan's back. Eventually Dan's breathing slowed and Phil knew he'd fallen asleep. He knew he should leave, go back to his room and get some sleep himself. He sighed and stood up, walking to the door. A s he opened it he saw Dave stood outside, his hand raised to knock. He smiled at Phil and poked his head round the corner to see a sleeping Dan. He nodded at Phil, impressed and said "Did you manage to get him to go to sleep?" Phil nodded quickly before slipping past, not wanting Dave to see the blush on his cheeks.

He finally reached his room and collapsed on his bed sighing. He couldn't put a finger on what was wrong; he just didn't want people to know about what had just happened. He'd felt sort of contented, just helping Dan get to sleep. He found himself wishing he had been able to stay with Dan, to fall asleep next to him. What was he thinking? God, this was weird. He'd never felt like this before. Saying that, he'd never been so close to anyone before, even people he'd known for years. He found himself thinking about him at random moments. About Dan's laugh, the dimples when he smiled. He was just so kind, he wasn't anything like Phil would expect, especially after what he'd been through. He was so trusting; Phil remembered what he was like when he first came here. He didn't know what it was, but Phil knew that there was something going on with him, and Dan was playing a huge part. He also knew there was no way he was getting anymore sleep tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: School **

Dan woke up to a loud banging on his door and to Sarah shouting "Dan! Get up sweetie, it's time for school!" He rolled over and groaned "'k I'm up! Thanks!" He heard her running up the stairs to wake the others up. He got out of bed quickly, suddenly panicked, and he had to sit back down quickly again when a wave of dizziness passed over him. He put his head between his knees, waiting for it to pass. He remembered Phil coming into his room the night before, rubbing circles on his back and he smiled to himself. Just the memory made him feel happy, and he was looking forward to seeing Phil at breakfast. He'd have to take him to one side and say thanks at some point. He stood up again, more slowly this time and wandered into the corridor. He walked towards the bathroom and heard talking coming from Lucy's room. As he reached it he noticed the door was open and Lucy was sat on her bed. He peeked his head in to see that Phil was holding up two t-shirts trying to get her to pick one. "Come on Luce, Oliver's already dressed and downstairs! Pick one!" Dan smiled and said "Oh, definitely the blue one! The cat on the front is just adorable!" Lucy and Phil both turned to face him and Lucy squealed "Dan!" before tackling his legs. Dan laughed patting her on the back and said "Yeah it's me, now get dressed Lucy or you'll be late!" He heard her mumble into his leg "Don't care, I don't want to go!" Dan laughed again and peeled her away before saying "You have too! Don't worry; I'm sure you'll have fun today!" Phil piped up "Yeah Luce, don't you have circle time today?" She automatically cheered up before grabbing the blue shirt from Phil and ushering the boys out of her room. They stood outside and Dan said quietly "Thanks for last night Phil" and watched as Phil smiled at him. "Its fine, I didn't mind. You look a lot better today though, now you've had some sleep." Before Dan could reply Lucy came bursting out of her room and barged between them to go downstairs. Phil smiled at her and turned to Dan saying "We better get going or we'll be the late ones!" Dan nodded and replied "I'll see you downstairs" before walking into the bathroom.

He was stood in his room trying to find something to wear. He'd already decided on a pair of black skinny jeans but he wasn't sure what top to wear. He felt silly, a bit like Lucy earlier and finally decided on tight, long sleeve blue t-shirt. He sat on the floor, straighteners in his hand, waiting for them to warm up. He heard a light knock on the door and he called "Come in!" Phil came in and sat down next him, smiling. He was wearing black skinnies to, with a white button up shirt and a grey blazer. He noticed Dan looking and said "Art examiners coming in today to watch us continue with our final projects so I have to look 'presentable'" Dan smiled at him as he pulled the hot straighteners through his hair, determined not to burn himself in front of Phil. Phil could tell he didn't want to talk about school, so instead they talked about his art project. Phil was going to sketch some chalk designs onto old tiles and cover the shed roof in them when they came back from school. Then he was going to have to start with the painting. Eventually Dan was ready to go downstairs and they walked down together.

They only had about 10 minutes until they had to leave so Phil shovelled down some cereal. Dan decided not to have anything, even though Harry tried to make him have something. Eventually Phil got him to leave Dan alone, which Dan was grateful for. He was a bit nauseous, and he really didn't feel like eating. The next thing he knew he was being hurried out the front door into a mini bus along with all the others. Him and Phil sat at the back next to Oliver and Lucy, who were going to be dropped off first. Much too soon they were at school and Sarah and Phil were walking with Dan too the headmasters office. Phil said he had to walk past on his way to registration, but Dan wasn't so sure. When they reached the office Phil squeezed Dan's shoulder before hurrying off. Sarah and Dan were soon let in and told to sit in the chairs opposite the head master, a strict, grey haired man named Mr Daniels. Dan faded in and out of concentration while Sarah explained to Mr Daniels about 'issues' and what to do if he had an 'episode'. He was passed a piece of paper that listed all the subjects he had to take and a list from which he had to pick two extra subjects. He scanned the list quickly before selecting General studies and a Media class. Then Sarah was saying goodbye, he was being handed a timetable and he was being shown the way to his form room with about 5 minutes left until first lesson.

He vaguely remembered the awkward introduction as he walked into his form room, but he was too busy trying to act as though he didn't care. He never had before, but he guessed that if he was going to stay at this place for a while, he should make an effort. He figured the best way to get people to leave him alone was to blend in, to just try not to draw any attention to himself. He remembered being shown a seat but not getting the chance to sit in it because it was time to go. He was relived though that the teacher didn't ask for volunteers to show him around. He hated standing at the front of the class while everybody sat there, nobody wanting to end up stuck with the new kid. He left as quickly as he could; glancing at his timetable to see his first lesson was English. He didn't have a clue where to go, but he headed in the same direction as everyone else seemed to be going in. He saw a sign on a wall for the English corridor and followed it, looking at all the rooms until he found room 19. He entered, happy to see he was one of the first there and approached the teacher. She seated him quickly and he spent most of the lesson staring at his desk, trying not to get noticed. On the rare occasions he did look up he noticed a boy with light brown hair was staring at him with a scowl. He avoided eye contact with him, not sure why he was staring. He left English not sure of what the hell they had learnt, and not really caring. He'd never liked English, it just bored him. He wandered around the school looking for signs for his next lesson, history, and spotted one after a few minutes and followed it.

As he walked head down, somebody tried to trip him up. He glanced behind him and saw the brown haired kid, but looked away again, determined not to cause any trouble. He took the seat pointed out quickly to him in history and spent another hour doing absolutely nothing apart from trying not to be noticed. The only thing he paid attention to was the fact he was being given stuff for each subject, like books, and had failed to bring a bag with him, meaning he had to carry it around in his arms all day. Soon history was also finished, and Dan sighed with relief, looking forward to break. He followed the crowds this time, not paying attention to where he was going, trying to ignore the whispers behind him. "Yeah, Jake says he's from the care home." So these kids were friends with Jake? This didn't instil him with a lot of confidence. From what he had observed and what Phil had said, Jake was your typical bully. Smokes, thinks he's cool, beats people up for looking at him wrong, that sort of stuff. "Hey, twat!" Dan ignored them, trying to walk faster, but he was shoved against the wall, hard. He dropped his books and bent down to pick them up but he was quickly pushed onto the floor. He sat up, glaring at the kids. It was a group of five or six, but the obvious leader was the brown haired kid from earlier, who spoke. "Next time, you speak when I talk to you, got it?" Dan didn't say anything, determined not to give them what they wanted. He wasn't strong, but he was pretty resilient. The boy suddenly kicked him hard in the stomach and growled "I said, got it?" Dan just glared at him, holding his stomach and trying not to show the pain on his face. The brown haired boy stared at him, obviously thrown off, unsure of what to do. One of his mates behind him said "Get him Sam!" So the boys name was Sam? Dan automatically resorted to his defensive mechanism, sarcasm. "Yeah, get me Sam." He automatically regretted this as the boy hissed "You think you're tough? You don't know who you're dealing with." Dan decided quickly that there was no point in sitting there in silence, waiting for him to beat him up. He'd had enough experience with bullies, and he knew that no matter what he was going to beat him up, just because his mates were there. He cocked his head to one side acting confused and said "I was under the impression I was dealing with Sam?" The boy launched towards him and Dan flinched away, but before he could touch him one of his friends pulled him back before whispering "Teacher." Sam leant forward slightly and whispered "You're in for it now" before walking off with his mates.

Dan leant against the wall for a moment, trying to catch his breath, still slightly winded from the attack. Great, he thought to himself that went well. After a moment he picked his books up and stood, he didn't want anyone else to come along while he was down. He figured there probably wouldn't be long until next lesson, so decided to go find his Science classroom.

The rest of the afternoon passed like the morning, Dan trying to avoid the idiots from break and find his lessons. Eventually it was lunch time, and Dan was walking head down towards the canteen. He heard a voice call "Dan!" and he continued walking, thinking it was someone else wanting to kick him. "Dan!" then he thought, and realised. They wouldn't be calling him by his name, and anyway, he recognised the voice. He stopped and spun around, searching until his eyes found Phil. They managed to get to each other through the heaving crowd and they walked together to the nearest door leading outside. Once they were outside it was much quieter and easier to talk. The first thing out of Phil's mouth was "How's your day going?" Dan decided without missing a beat, to lie. He didn't want to worry Phil, especially not when he had his art to worry about. "Fine!" he smiled "No lets go get something to eat, I'm starving!"

They decided that instead of getting hot food from the crowded canteen to go get a sandwich from a small kiosk outside. Once they'd got their sandwiches they found a bench and sat down. They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, but Dan soon realised he shouldn't really be eating. His stomach was starting to hurt. "So Phil, how's your art been going?" Phil smiled and said "I'm actually pretty happy with it so far. I only have to do 6 more tiles and then I'm done. I figure after that I'll figure out what colours I'll need to bring home to use tonight. Oh, Dave said he's gonna do like a picnic tonight and bring his wireless docking station so we can have a bit of a garden party while I do it." Dan smiled and Phil grinned back before continuing "Oh and he told me to remind you that your first therapy session is on Wednesday." Dan's smile slid off his face, and he groaned quietly. Phil chuckled and said "Not looking forward to it?" Dan shook his head, but didn't elaborate. He wasn't sure why he was so against it. The only thing he could think was that he didn't want to talk to people about stuff. If he did, he would. He liked keeping his business to himself. Soon after they decided to start walking to their next lessons, giving Dan time to find it and making sure Phil wasn't late back to art. They wandered through the corridors and when they reached the point they'd have to split up, Phil gave him directions. He offered to walk Dan there, but Dan told him not to worry. He wished him luck with art, and they walked their separate ways, Dan with a huge grin on his face. Maybe that was why he didn't see Sam.

Suddenly he was pushed up against a wall, and he let out an involuntary cry of pain. "What you smiling at? Not so tough now, are you prick?" A fist connected with his nose, and Dan felt pain explode across his face and warm blood trickle down his chin. He groaned, but quickly found himself free. He opened his eyes to see Phil holding Sam.

Phil heard a cry of pain, and he recognised the owner. The smile dropped off his face and he ran back the way he had come. He rounded the corner in time to see a flash of a fist and then blood. Before thinking he pulled the kid off Dan and pushed him to the floor. He could hear his own voice screaming "What do you think you're doing? Whats your problem? How dare you touch him! You're not worthy to even look at him!" he watched the kid stand up, fist raised, but Phil just turned his back. If the kid hit him, he didn't feel it. He was too busy leading Dan away to the nearest toilets.

Soon Phil had lead him into a toilet, and he left him in front of the mirrors as he ducked into a cubicle to grab some tissue. Dan focused on holding back his tears, determined not to cry. Not only so that Sam wouldn't win, but so Phil wouldn't have to see it. Soon he was back out and he was rubbing away the blood gently. Dan was shocked to see tears in his eyes, and he felt guilty. "Phil" he mumbled "I'm fine. Go to art, you're going to be late." Phil shook his head and said "Why didn't you tell me Dan? I could have sorted it out." Dan thought for a moment before obviously deciding to tell the truth. "I didn't want to worry you when you had art. Honestly though, I can cope." Phil shook his head again "You shouldn't have to. I know that prick, he's friends with Jake. Do you want me to have a word?" Dan's voice turned desperate. "No, please. I don't think he's gonna bother me anymore anyway. I don't think you realised how much you scared him." Phil chuckled slightly. "I don't know where that came from. I'm never normally that violent. I just couldn't stand to see you hurt." He admitted, his voice breaking slightly. "Now tilt your head back while I pinch your nose. I've got the blood off, so we just need to do this until it stops." Dan smiled slightly "Yes sir!" Phil laughed now, feeling better now Dan was back to his sarcastic self. Finally the bleeding stopped, and Phil poked it slightly, and Dan winced. "Sorry" he murmured "It's not broken, just a bit swollen and sore. It's gonna bruise pretty badly and quickly by the looks of it." Dan smiled again "I can cope, it's not broken, so I get to keep my fabulous looks."

After a lot of arguing Phil agreed to go back to art as long as Dan promised to meet for him outside his last lesson, Media. He promised and ushered Phil away with a quick hug for thanks and good luck. They both tried to ignore the rush of warmth they felt when they hugged, and then walked their separate ways again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Home again **

Dan stood by the door of the classroom waiting for Phil, hoping Sam and his mates wouldn't walk past. He had only been waiting about 2 minutes when Phil arrived, a whirlwind of movement. He stopped in front of Dan, panting slightly "I…. ran" Dan chuckled "I can tell. You want some time to recover?" Phil wheezed "Yes…please." They stood there for a few minutes while Phil nursed a stitch and Dan smirked at him. Eventually Phil straightened up and said more normally "I thought you might leave without me." Dan smiled and said "I promised."

Soon they were in the car park, school had finished about 10 minutes ago so it was almost empty. Phil told Dan not to worry; Sarah didn't normally get there until about 20 past apparently, because she had to pick the little kids up first. They finally reached the car park and the others turned to face them. Dan noticed that Jake was looking at the floor, not making eye contact. The others however, had not trouble with making themselves heard. "Dan, what happened to your face?" "It's your first day and you've obviously been in a fight!" stuff like that. Dan watched Phil out of the corner of his eye as he mumbled things to the others about it being fine. He saw Phil open his mouth to say something to Jake, but he shut it again, making eye contact with Dan and smiling sadly. A few seconds later Sarah pulled up, and Dan tried to keep his head down as he climbed onto the mini bus. Un-surprisingly, it didn't work. "Dan? Look at me, now!" he sighed and looked up "Look, Sarah, its fine." She looked shocked "I'm calling Dave" Dan interrupted quickly "No, don't! Look, I'll talk to him when we get there, ok?" Sarah eyed him for a minute before sighing and muttering "You better, go sit down." Him and Phil took their seats at the back of the bus, and Dan looked Phil in the ice blue eyes. "Be honest. How bad is it?" Phil thought for minute and replied "You have a completely purple and yellow nose." Dan leant back into the chair, sighing. He knew he bruised easily, but this was ridiculous. "Great" he murmured, closing his eyes.

When they got back, it was obvious that Sarah had text Dave. He was stood at the door, waiting. When he saw Dan, he bit his lip, looking genuinely upset. He waited for the others to go into the living room, but Phil stayed. "Phil" Dave asked, trying to stay calm "Can you please give me and Dan a moment alone?" Phil looked at him and replied "Sorry, but no." Dave stayed quiet for a moment and then shrugged his shoulders before turning his attention to Dan. "What happened?" Dan just shook his head, biting his lip. "Dan, you have to tell me. You know I'm responsible for your safety." Dan sighed and said "Someone punched me, but its fine." Dave's eyes shot open and he replied angrily "It is not fine! Why did they do it?" Dan shrugged his shoulders "No particular reason, it's just what people do" he said matter of factly "and it is fine, because Phil sorted it out." Dave glanced over at Phil and said "Well thanks for that, as long as you didn't get into trouble" Phil chuckled slightly and said "Nope, I picked my time well. Not a teacher in sight." Dave shook his head, smiling slightly and replied "I didn't hear that." He turned his attention to Dan again "I'm going to have to call the headmaster." Dan shook his head quickly. "Don't. I'll avoid the kid, just leave it for now. If something happens again you can do what you want, but leave it for now, ok?" Dave shook his head and said exasperated "Fine, but that means you have to tell me if anything happens." Dan nodded his head.

Phil had painted the background colour of paint on the shed, and he had just laid the last tile on the roof. Everyone had finished their picnic dinner and wandered back inside so only Dan and Phil were left. A song Dan had never heard, but rather liked was playing quietly through the docking system, and he was sat on the grass watching Phil work. Whenever he was concentrating, his tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth slightly. It was adorable. _Shut up_ Dan thought to himself, not wanting to ruin this moment with his stupid thoughts. He couldn't help watching as Phil moved his hair out of his eyes to see better. He was knocked out of these thoughts by Phil's voice saying "Perfect timing. The back coats dry so I can paint over it. Whats the time?" Dan reached for his phone and checked "half six". Phil stuck his tongue out and replied, already sounding tired, "We're gonna be here a while." Dan smiled, the sky was already starting to darken and the air was getting a slight chill, but he didn't mind. "What can I do to help?" he asked, and Phil thought for a moment before replying "You can pass me the paint while I'm on the ladder." Dan stood up, willing to do anything to help.

It was half past nine when Dave came out to tell Dan it was time for him to go to bed. "Please" he pouted "I'm helping Phil" Dave sighed. Dan smiled slightly. He'd only been here a little while but he already knew that Dave didn't like ruining things for the kids. He looked sternly, or at least tried to be stern, at Dan before replying "When Phil is finished you are to go straight to sleep, you hear me? You have to go to school tomorrow." Dan grinned at him and said happily "Sure Dave, thanks!" and turned back as Dave walked back into the building to pass Phil the red paint.

An hour later, they were finished. They stepped back to admire the work. Dan knew nothing about art, but he could tell it was incredible. The tiles on the ceiling showed individual sketches of things that had happened in the home, like Lucy and Oliver covered in paint. The shed was painted blue, and the door was painted to look like the actual house. One of the side walls contained a mural of everyone in the care home, and the other side wall was a painting of the living room with the words home sweet home curling through it. The back wall just contained the words 'Family is not just who you are related to, but those who you love enough to call them so'. Dan felt tears well in his eyes as he whispered "Phil, it's beautiful." Phil finished circling it and came and stood next to Dan and said "Do you think so?" Dan didn't trust himself to speak, so instead he reached out, taking Phil's hand and squeezed it. It said everything he wanted to say.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Therapy **

Phil's examiner had just left after looking at his final project, and Phil sighed with relief. Dan smiled at him and said "You've done great, ok! Don't worry." Phil nodded and tried to change the subject, not wanting to think about it. "I didn't get a chance to ask, how was school today?" Dan smiled and replied truthfully "Fine". It had been fine, there had been a bit of name calling, but that didn't bother him. Sam had caught his eyes in a corridor and looked quickly at the floor again. Word seemed to have spread round about what had happened, because everyone was leaving him alone, and Dan heard a few teachers talking. "Fighting on the first day. Typical care home kid." This didn't bother him either, not when he was actually happy where he was for once. Phil studied him for a moment and seemed to decide that he was telling the truth. He glanced at the clock and said "Time for dinner" He saw Dan's face fall, and remembered. "Oh, you have your therapy after, don't you?" Dan nodded and they started walking towards the kitchen. "It's not the bad" Phil told him, and left it at that. He could tell Dan didn't want to talk about it. He didn't know how, but he was always able to tell when Dan was telling the truth and when he didn't want to talk. He found Dan easy to read, even if he was still struggling to figure out these feelings he had about him.

Why did dinner have to go so quickly? Before Dan knew it, Phil was standing up and smiling down at me. "Come Dan, it's time to go" he whispered. Dan sighed and stood up, trying to smile back at Phil. It was a failure, of course. Even Dan could tell how fake it seemed. Phil walked with him to the therapy room and stood outside with Dan for a few moments, before suddenly pulling him into a bone obliterating hug. "It'll be ok" he whispered into Dan's ear before pulling away. "I'll wait out here for you, ok?" Dan looked at him and replied "Are you sure?" thinking about some of Oliver's, they lasted hours! Phil seemed to read his mind and he smiled before saying "As long as it takes." He sat down on the floor, pulling out his phone and headphones and sliding them into his ears. He waved at Dan, who pulled a pained face and stuck his tongue out. He turned around, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

He heard a voice call "Come in" and Dan walked in slowly, looking around the room. It looked very clinical and… well, fake. He looked over at the woman who was stood behind the desk. She was short and squat with dirty blonde hair and watery blue eyes. She leant forward, arm outstretched. Dan shook it quickly and she said "Daniel Howell, my names Miss Miles." He nodded quickly; it felt so weird being formal. He hadn't had to act like this since the last care home. She gestured to the seat behind him, and he sat down. "Daniel" he wondered about telling her to call him Dan, but decided against it. It would feel weird somehow, hearing his casual name being spoken by someone so uptight. He tried to listen to what she was saying "to assess your behaviour and work through any issues" god this was so boring. He focused on her just in time to hear her say "Do you like it here?" He nodded vigorously, felling like a small child. "Erm yeah, it's great. Better than any of the other places I've been" He watched her write something down and then she spoke again "Hmmm. I understand you've stayed in quite a few residences recently. Can you tell me why?" Dan was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. "Erm, I guess… I just didn't get along in any of them." She wrote some more notes and then said "Would you consider yourself as a troubled child?" Dan thought for a moment before saying "A little, I guess. I mean, I have my… episodes, and… yeah." She stared at him for a moment, making him feel more uncomfortable, and then said "Explain to me about your… episodes." Dan swallowed and said awkwardly "Erm… I don't know really. I don't have them that often. I guess… I um… I just get angry. My chest gets a little tight and I feel like I can't breathe" he winced slightly just thinking about it "and I just have to shout. I feel like I have to shout and punch and… It feels like I'm watching from the outside, unable to stop myself." She was scribbling furiously at this point. Dan sat there in silence, looking anywhere but at the woman as he waited. "What happened last time you had one of these episodes?" Dan knew what she was talking about, and she obviously knew. He glanced at her, and it looked like she was smirking. He tried to stay calm, not wanting to show her that she was getting at him. "You already know, you've read my file." Her smirk grew bigger. "I want you to tell me Daniel". He took a deep breath, thinking of Phil outside. His wanted to get out, he felt like the room was closing around him. This was something he didn't even think about. He hadn't discussed this with anyone, he hadn't even told Phil. He kept his voice low, hoping Phil wouldn't hear him. "I t-tried…" he took a deep breath and continued "I tried to-to… to kill myself." She just motioned for him to go on, looking uncaring. "I couldn't breathe, I was panicking, and it was all I could… think to do. I tried to hang myself." He absentmindedly touched his neck, remembering the bruising. "I had just stepped off the chair when… when one of the little kids walked in" Oh god. He felt like he was going to start crying, remembering the look of panic on that kids face as he ran out the room. He imagined Oliver or Lucy walking in on that… "They got be down and I lost consciousness." She carried on in a brisk tone, as though he had said nothing of consequence "Would you do it again?" He shook his head and said firmly "No. I didn't understand back then, I panicked. I'm happier now anyway. When I did it I was thinking about joining my mum, but I realise now that she wouldn't want that." He was feeling proud of himself, proud that he hadn't started yelling or crying. She carried on, unaware of his pride. "Yes, your mother. How much resentment do you hold towards her?" Dan felt anger suddenly fly through him, and he stood up quickly, throwing the chair back so forcefully it hit the wall with a loud bang. He didn't say anything to the woman, who was now looking very shocked and slightly frightened much to Dan's delight. He ran out of the room, straight past Phil, and along the corridor to the stairs. He could hear Phil calling him, sounding worried, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. The anger wouldn't let him; it was pulsating through his body, pushing him on. He pounded up the stairs and ran to his room, tears already flooding down his face.

He collapsed on the bed, head in hands. He could hear pounding footsteps through his loud, broken sobs. They were racking through his body, ripping him apart. He heard his door shut and he looked up. Through the tears he saw Phil walking towards him. He went back to crying into his hands, unable to care that Phil was watching. He couldn't talk yet; the sobs were still washing through him. He felt Phil sit next to him, and a warm arm settled on his shoulders. He leant against Phil, thankful to the support as he continued to cry.

Eventually the crying slowed, and Dan found himself able to talk. "S-she, she wanted to talk about my…. My episodes. Then, she wanted to talk about when I…. i…." He couldn't say it, so he moved on quickly, hoping Phil wouldn't notice. "She asked if I was angry at my mum! She was trying to get me angry on purpose, I swear!" Phil didn't say anything; he just rubbed circles on his back again, whispering "Shhhh, you're fine ok? She's not here now, you're ok. Everything's fine." He continued like this until Dan completely stopped crying. When this happened, Dan pulled away, turning to look at Phil. Before either of them could say something they heard a panicked voice from outside the door call "Dan? Are you having an episode?" Dan stayed quiet for a minute, thinking. He could breathe now he'd finished crying, and even though he still wanted to go and punch the woman, he didn't think that was unreasonable. "No!" he called out eventually. The voice called back, just was worried "Phil, are you OK?" Phil's eyebrows furrowed, Dan could tell he was confused "Yeah" he called back. He heard a relieved sigh from outside the door and the voice called back "Dan, when you're ready, come downstairs. We need to talk." Dan sighed and called out "Yeah, ok."

They heard footsteps walking down the corridor and Dan turned back to Phil. Phil raised an eyebrow questioningly. Dan sighed and decided quickly to just tell Phil the truth. After all, Phil could tell when he was lying. "I guess I better start from the beginning." Phil nodded, and seeing how worried Dan obviously was, he resigned himself to not interrupting. "I have these things, called episodes. I don't think their actually called that, but that's just what everyone's always called them. I, erm, I can't breathe properly, and I get angry. Like really angry. I can't stop myself, I just scream and punch and kick." He took a deep breath and continued "They wanted to know if you were ok… I guess because they thought I might hurt you. She asked me about the last episode I had…. It's just something I don't talk about. I don't even think about it. I…erm, I…." he let it out in a rush. "I-tried-to-kill-myself" he took another deep breath. "I got a skipping rope and tried to hang myself. I just, I wanted to be with my mum. I wasn't thinking straight, and I know I'd never do it again. Then she tried to make out that I hate my mother. I just couldn't take it." Phil didn't know what to say, something which was a first for him. He just pulled Dan to him and held him there, never wanting to let go. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other.

Phil held Dan, not even angry. He didn't care that Dan hadn't told him, he could understand why. He couldn't figure out what he was feeling. He wasn't angry, he wasn't really sad either. He just felt like he had to make everything better, like he had… failed. He felt guilty. He felt like a failure, even though this had all happened before he even knew Dan. He just held him, trying to show Dan that he was sorry for not being there. After a while he felt Dan's head slump on Phil's shoulder, and he realised he'd fallen asleep. Phil wasn't surprised, Dan had still been looking tired, and anyone would exhaust themselves after an emotional out break like that. He sighed, not wanting to move. He heard Dan's door slowly creak open, and he didn't even look to see who it was. He just laid Dan down gently, trying not to wake him up. He grabbed the blanket off the floor and laid it over Dan, before walking towards the light switch. He wanted to bend down, to kiss him on the forehead, but he was very conscious of the fact he was being watched. Instead he just turned off the light and walked into the corridor, closing the door slowly behind him. He finally looked up to see Harry stood in the corridor, staring at him. They watched each other for a moment before Harry grumbled "He's meant to be coming downstairs to talk to Dave" Phil had never liked Harry; he was spiteful, always getting the kids into trouble. Phil just stared at him for a moment before hissing "He's just been through an ordeal. Leave him to sleep; he can talk to Dave tomorrow. He hasn't been sleeping well to start with." Harry sniggered and asked sarcastically "How'd you know that?" Phil furrowed his eyebrows, irritated "Haha. He's my friend, and even if he wasn't you could tell from looking at him. Now leave him alone." Phil hissed trying to barge past him to go to his room. Harry's hand sprung out and grabbed him, tight. "I know about you and him, ok? You don't hide it. Be happy I haven't told Dave." Phil sniggered and said truthfully "I fail to see how you know anything when I haven't even figured things out yet." He pulled his arm from Harry's grip and walked to his room, slamming the door.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: A new room**

Dan was sat in Dave's room, again. Dan had been here for two months now, but he'd ended up in Dave's office way more than he should have. He knew if this was any other care home he'd have been kicked out by now, but it wasn't. Dave was always telling him that they weren't going to give up that easily, and for that Dan was thankful. He found that he did really like it here; school wasn't even that bad anymore. He didn't have any real friends, but people didn't hate him. There were people who were willing to work with Dan in class, and teachers had actually started ringing Dave recently to tell him he was doing really well. Dan enjoyed some of his subjects, his favourite being media, which had never happened before. In all his past schools the teachers had just left him to it, deciding that he wasn't worth putting the effort in. They assumed that he wouldn't want to learn, that he wouldn't care. Sure, Dan had to go to a lot of after school sessions to catch up, but he didn't mind. He'd found out that he was actually good at science and maths, and his general studies teacher was really impressed with the effort Dan had been putting in. It wasn't his fault that he had to go to after school sessions, but with all the changing of schools he'd done, he'd missed out on all the basics. Not only were the lessons pretty good, but Dan really enjoyed hanging out with Phil at break and lunch times. They just sat and talked while they ate, and Dan really enjoyed it. He'd never been one for talking, but he guessed that had changed. He didn't feel the need to segregate himself anymore. He guessed this was probably because of the one thing he didn't enjoy about this new life. He didn't have to have therapy at the care home anymore, but he had to go to an outside facility. Dave had decided that it was better that Dan didn't have to deal with Miss Miles again, and Dan wasn't going to argue. Now every Monday after school, Dave had to drive him to a therapist in the town centre.

It was nowhere near as bad as the Dan's first experience of therapy of course, but he still didn't enjoy it. He didn't see why he should have to tell someone about his personal life. He hated it at first; it took about 3 weeks to get him to warm up to the idea. His new therapist was a funny man called Graham. He didn't make Dan tell him things if he didn't want to, and if Dan had a bad day he would happily just sit there in silence for the hour and a half. To start with they just talked about easy things, like his school work and what Dan liked to do in his spare time. Now they talked about more personal things, like what he thought about when he couldn't sleep, and what he wanted to do with his life. Dan still struggled to sleep sometimes, but it wasn't as bad anymore. Phil would normally sit with him while he went to sleep, and just talk to him. Something about Phil being there just calmed him. Dan didn't like talking about what stopped him from sleeping. All he'd told Graham so far was that he couldn't stop thinking about things like his mum. That wasn't completely true though. Of course he thought about his mum sometimes, but these days he found that he spent a lot of time thinking about his time with Phil. Just normal things, like watching DVD's, playing on the games console when they could get near it, watching Phil draw.

Dan struggled a bit with the discussions about the future to, he found it was something he just didn't want to think about. Graham had told him it was probably because he finally felt happy since his mum had died, and it was scary to think that one day it might all change again. Dan found himself agreeing. There was already a big change looming, and Dan hated thinking about it. Phil only had 3 months left here, and even though he promised Dan he would visit all the time, he found himself doubting it. Phil was going out into the real world, why would he want to come back here? Dan wouldn't want to visit, to be constantly reminded of a past he'd happily leave behind. That wasn't true anymore though, was it? He was happy here, why would he leave this behind? This was why Dan tried not to think about Phil leaving, it scared him. It scared him that he'd lose his only friend. It scared him that he would be left to entertain Oliver and Lucy on his own. It scared him that he was scared. It scared him that he might never figure out why he needed Phil so much. _There's three months left, stop thinking about it! _He commanded himself.

Dave was staring at him, obviously waiting for a response. Dan realised he hadn't been listening to a word Dave had said, and he didn't want to admit it. He wasn't even sure why he had been called here. He couldn't think of anything he had done. He hadn't got in to anymore fights in school, he hadn't got in an argument with Jake, and he hadn't made a new twitter since they made him delete his last one. He decided to place it safe and just said nervously "Er, im sorry?" Dave laughed and then said sympathetically "Lot on your mind? I could up your meetings to twice a week if you want." Dan shook his head quickly and whispered "No, its fine. Dave, why am I here?" Dave shook his head, chuckling and said "I just brought you in here to tell you that Sarah and Phil are waiting in the car outside" Dan raised his eyebrows, confused, and Dave grinned. "I figured you'd want Phil to come with you." He slid some money across the table and continued "You've settled in, and you've had your problems, but I've decided that you're not going anywhere. We're going to get through this, and I figured it might be easier on you if you felt comfortable in your room. You're free to do what you want with it, as long as it is age appropriate, of course." He smirked, and watched as Dan realised what he was being told. "Are you being serious? Do I get to decorate my room?" Dave nodded, grinning and Dan high fived him. "Finally! Do I get to go now?" Dave nodded again and said "That was the point. It's Friday, so I figure you can buy all the stuff today and then spend tomorrow decorating. There isn't a lot of money here, but Phil's pretty good with making it stretch, so I figure you'll be fine." Dan sprung up and hugged Dave, grinning widely, before running out of the room. Wait, did he just hug Dave? Oops. He was stood outside the office, slightly shocked at his own behaviour, when Dave popped his head out of the doorway. "Er, Dan, are you forgetting something?" He waved the money at Dan who laughed and took it. "Thanks Dave, and, um… sorry about the hug." Dave chuckled slightly before saying "It's all right Dan. It's not bad to care about people you know. Although I suppose you think you're too old for hugs, huh?" Dan just laughed and then ran towards the front door, waving as he went.

A few hours later Dan and Phil were wandering around the town centre, Sarah a few metres behind to give them some space. They were lugging bags full of paint and a few cushions, and now they were wandering in and out of charity shops looking for some basic furniture. They'd bought small pots of every colour available and a large pot of black, blue, green and red. They would never have been able to get them so cheaply if Phil wasn't such a great haggler. "Phil, you have to do like some murals and stuff in my room, ok?" Dan babbled and Phil grinned. "You're so cute when you're excited!"

Cute. Why had he said that? Why did he mess things up all the time? He froze, waiting for Dan to shout, to run away, but he didn't. He just grinned at Phil showing his adorable dimples and said "You think I'm cute?" Oh, he was he meant to reply to that? What did Dan want him to say? He saw his favourite charity shop and drag Dan towards it quickly, exclaiming "I love this place!"

A few more hours later and they were all flagging. It was about 8 o'clock and none of them had eaten. They started wandering back towards the car, arms aching and backs slumping. They finally reached it a put the many bags into the boot, when Phil noticed one Dan had been carrying. "What's in there?" he asked curiously and Dan smiled mischievously. "Just a few final touches". Phil shook his head, chuckling. Dan was obviously committed to not telling him what was in there, and he didn't have the energy to try and convince him. They climbed into the car and waited for Sarah to close the boot and climb in. Dan and Phil were crushed together slightly, because Phil had to sit in the tiny middle seat due to the car seat that took up a place in the car. He leant against Dan slightly, absolutely exhausted, and sighed. Soon Sarah had climbed in, and they started the drive back in an exhausted silence. After about ten minutes Sarah glanced into her rear view mirror to see Phil slumped next to the elder boy. She coughed slightly, but he didn't move. He just lifted his eyes to look at her. "So guys, I was wondering… Do you want to get a McDonalds? We've missed dinner sooo?" They both nodded vigorously, and she laughed. "You can't tell the others, all right? If you do I will personally kill you."

They ate their food in the car and then carried on driving back. Eventually they made it inside, and Phil and Dan headed straight to Dan's room. Dan collapsed on the bed, sighing. Phil leant against the wall, and laughed slightly at the look of pure bliss on his friends face. "Comfy?" he asked, yawning, and he heard Dan chuckle slightly. "Yup" he shuffled over slightly and patted the space next to him. "Come lie down" he yawned, his eyes screwing shut in the cutest way. "Oh, you sure?" Dan nodded, still yawning. Phil chuckled slightly and wandered towards the bed. Dan stared at him and teased "It's your fault, your yawns are contagious!" Phil chuckled and climbed onto the bed, lying down next to Dan. They stared around the room for a few minutes and then Dan spoke. "Phil, you ever feel as though you're just so happy, you just want to stay where you are forever?" Phil smiled and replied "Yeah. I'd just like to freeze today and re-live it over and over. I'm just so… happy." He stayed silent for a few moments and then continued "Dan, I'm scared. I dunno, I just… I don't want to grow up I guess. I don't want to have to get my own place; I don't want to get a job. I like how it is now" he rolled over to face Dan. There was silence for a few more moments, and then Dan reached out his hand. He took Phil's hand in his and said "I know. I don't think anyone wants to grow up, not really. I remember when I realised I was going to have to look after my mum. I didn't want to grow up then, and I don't want to grow up when I have to leave. There's nothing we can do though." Phil watched as a grin slowly spread across Dan's face and then said "I don't think you and me are ever really gonna grow up you know. I could picture myself as an old man playing x-box and watching Pokémon." Phil chuckled and said "I'd like to be like that."

A while later Dave was banging on the door, telling them both it was Dan's curfew. Dan sighed and muttered to Phil "It's not fair" he pouted slightly "I want a 10 o'clock curfew, then I could stay up with you." Did he just say that? Great, just great. Go on and freak your only friend out Dan. Twat. Phil just chuckled and rolled out of the bed. "Don't worry, I'll see you tomorrow! Then we get to brighten up this place!" Dan smiled at him and waved sleepily as Phil sauntered out, shutting the door behind him. A few minutes later he had changed into his pyjamas and he was lying on top of his covers. It was too hot to snuggle up like he normally did, so he just splayed out his limbs like a starfish. He glanced over at the pile of bags in his bedroom corner and felt a rush of excitement. He glanced around the boring bedroom, looking forward to making it his.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: A surprise **

Dan was washed and dressed, ready to go, at 8 am. He paced in his room, trying to distract himself. He wanted to run up to Phil's room and wake him up, but he was trying to stop himself, not wanting to annoy him. He decided to organise all the bags and plan out what order to do everything in. This took him about half an hour, and he was just about to go downstairs to try and distract himself with some TV when there was a gentle knock on his door. He padded over and opened it, wondering who would be awake this early. On the other side of the door was Phil, still in his pyjamas. Dan chuckled slightly and let him in before saying "Why are you in your pyjamas?" Phil grinned and said "I figured if we were going to be painting I didn't want to ruin my clothes" Dan thought for a minute and replied "Oh, yeah. That's actually pretty clever." Phil raised an eyebrow and said sarcastically "I've been told I have good ideas now and then" Dan laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. Dan wandered over to his bed, which he had forgotten to make, again, and grabbed his pyjamas of it. He considered going to the bathroom to get changed, but he didn't really see the point. He glanced over at Phil and said quietly "Do you mind if I get changed here?" Phil shook his head, avoiding eye contact, and said "Erm , I'll wait outside" Dan laughed and said "You don't have to leave, I'm wearing boxers you know!" Phil laughed slightly and said "Ok." Dan pulled his T-shirt over his head, and Phil caught a glimpse of a tanned, slightly muscled chest. He shouldn't be watching, this was strange. He turned around so he couldn't see, pretending to be looking through the bags.

Soon Dan had finished getting changed and he glanced over at Phil, who had started going through the bags. He wandered over and knelt down next to him. "Phil" Phil turned to look at him, and Dan could have sworn he saw a faint blush on his cheeks. Phil looked back at the bags quickly and Dan continued "I was thinking we should do like, the base colour for each wall? While they dry I could get Dave to sort out the curtains and then you could do some sketches of something of the stuff you're going to put on there. That sound good?" Phil nodded quickly and asked "Curtains?" Dan grinned and replied "Oh yeah, their part of the finishing touches. I'm gonna…."

Soon Dan had finished telling Phil about his plans, and Phil chuckled. "I'm doing art A-level, and you're more creative than me!" he teased. Dan grinned and said "Why do you think you're here? I am NOT creative, trust me! If I tried to do any of the paintings, it would just prove how much of a fail I am!" Phil just smiled and they got to work. They pushed all of Dan's furniture to the middle of the room, trying to be quiet, but not really succeeding. They finally managed to get the desk away from the room and it started to tip. Phil, trying to be the typical hero tried to catch it before it hit the floor and made a huge bang, but he just ended up falling with it. There was a muffled clunk and a groan, and Dan ran to the other side to see Phil trapped underneath it. "Oh, god Phil! Are you ok?" Dan said, worried. Phil stuck his tongue and said "The light… is this heaven?" letting Dan know he was fine. He chuckled as he lifted the desk off his friend, and then held his hand out to help him up. When Phil was up right again they both started laughing, covering their mouths as they tried to be quiet. "Phil you twat!" Dan managed to choke out, and Phil stuck his tongue out again. God he was so cute. Dan shook his head and said to Phil "Let's paint this wall first so that Dave can put the curtains up while the rest dry" he gestured towards the wall with the window. Phil nodded and Dan wandered over to the bags, searching for the green paint while Phil laid some old sheets down on the floor in case any paint dripped. He found it and grabbed the paint rollers and trays. Phil took the paint from him and opened it before pouring it in. It was the perfect colour, emerald, just like the walls in Phil's room.

Soon they had finished painting the four walls, and they were covered in paint. Phil laughed when he saw the huge smudge of paint on the front of Dan's shirt. Dan winked and then leapt at Phil, waving the paint brush like a crazed maniac. When Phil finally managed to push Dan off him he had a red beard. They both sat on the floor for a minute, panting and trying to stop laughing. When they finally calmed down, they sat there in silence for a few moments. Dan smiled happily at Phil and said "Sorry about your face" Phil chuckled and leant closer saying "How bad is it?" Dan traced the outline of Phil's paint beard laughing again. Phil raised an eyebrow and said "You are so childish Dan!" Dan grinned widely, and then realised how close they were. He was staring right into those sparkly blue eyes, feeling as though he was falling into them… He was still touching Phil's face, but he couldn't pull his hand away. He felt like he wasn't in control of his own body as his hand cupped Phil's cheek.

I felt his hand cup my cheek and I leant into it slightly, craving his warmth. God he was gorgeous. Phil had been trying to ignore these thoughts for a while, and he found now that he couldn't. He tilted his head slightly and leaned in, desperate to close the distance between their lips. He closed his eyes, and soon they were kissing. Warmth flowed through him, and he wrapped his arms around Dan's waist, pulling him closer.

Their lips were moving together, and Dan felt his heart rate increase. Was he kissing Phil? Maybe he was still asleep. He didn't care, he was happy in this moment. Too soon though, they had to pull away. They sat and stared out each other for a few moments before Phil asked him softly "How long?" Dan sighed; there was no point in denying it. He was sure that his happiness and pent up feelings were almost tangible in the air. "I've known I was gay for a while, but I don't really know when I realised I liked you." Phil smiled at him and Dan saw his eyes spark. Was he happy about this? Did Phil…. Like him back? Phil said happily "I guess I'm the same, although I never knew I was gay. I've been having feelings towards you for a while but I didn't know what they were. I like you too Dan." A grin spread across Dan's face and Phil smiled back at him. Phil's grin grew wider as he said innocently "Sorry about your face by the way!" Dan tilted his head slightly, his eyes confused. Phil chuckled slightly before saying "We have matching beards"

They wandered downstairs a few minutes later to go see if Dave was awake yet. They wandered into the living room and Sarah was dusting the top of the TV, her back to them. "Hey Sarah!" they said in sync, and then laughed. "Hey boy's" she replied, still not looking at them "You're up early." Phil smiled at Dan and turned back to Sarah to ask "Is Dave up yet?" She stood straight inspecting her work and replied "Yeah, I think he's in the kitchen" She turned around to face them and a look of shock passed over her face. "I thought you were meant to be painting the room, not each other" she said jokingly. Dan chuckled slightly and as they wandered towards the kitchen called back "We decided to do both!"

They walked into the kitchen and Dave chuckled slightly at the sight of them, but didn't say anything. Dan smiled at him happily and said "Hey Dave, I was wondering if you'd mind getting the drill out the shed and putting some curtains into the wall for me? I havn't got a curtain rail, but there's holes at the top of the curtains and you could just drill them to the wall" Dave thought for a minute and replied "Sure, I don't see why not. I'll see you in your room ok; I've just got to go get the drill."

When Dave came into Dan's room Dan was watching Phil sketch some ideas down. He took one look at the boys and coughed slightly. Dan jumped up, blushing, and picked up the bag with the curtains in. He walked over to the window with Dave and showed him where he wanted the curtains to go. It didn't take long, and soon he was finished. When Dave had left Dan turned back to Phil and said "Phil, should I go find Oliver and Lucy for the next part?" Phil stood up and walked over, giving Dan a spontaneous hug. Dan leant into his chest and ducked his head to bury it into Phil's shoulder, sighing contentedly. They pulled apart eventually and Phil said "Sure, just make sure that their wearing old clothes or something." Dan wandered into Oliver's room first and found both of them in there, still in their pyjamas. "Hey you too, do you want to help me and Phil paint my room?" they both sprung up excitedly and ran past Dan without saying anything. He chuckled, following them into his room. Soon they were splattering different coloured paint at the black wall, creating the effect of… a mess. Dan liked it. Soon they were done, and Dan was relieved to see that Oliver and Lucy had managed to remain clean. They sent them back out again, even though they begged Dan to let them stay. He watched as they wandered back into Oliver's room and called after them "We'll let you see it when it's finished!"

He shut the door as he walked back in and found Phil already sketching on a wall with a pencil. Dan sat and watched as he sketched out the designs on all the walls, and then they set to painting over them. Phil watched Dan out of the corner of his eye, and smiled. He was concentrating so hard that his tongue was poking out of the corner of his mouth. He couldn't believed he had kissed him. He felt happiness flow through him at the memory. He had a boyfriend! Wait… were they together? He suddenly felt unsure. "Um, Dan. You know earlier?" Dan turned to face him, grinning. "Yeah?" Phil took a deep breath and asked softly "Are we like, together?" Dan laughed and Phil waited for him to awnser, slightly confused. "No! Do you think that if I kiss you I want to date you?" he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Of course we are, if you want to be" Phil launched himself into Dan's arms, giggling "Yes, I do!" Dan held him for a few minutes, just breathing in his scent of strawberries, and then he leant away. "Phil, shouldn't we carry on with the decorating? I kinda want to finish it today!" Phil laughed and let go off him, and they continued to paint.

They stood in the middle of the room, gazing around. Everything was finally dry, and they'd put all the furniture back in the correct places. They'd added Dan's finishing touches and arranged all the extra bit's they bought the day before. "It's brilliant!" Phil breathed, taking Dan's hand in his. The wall next to Dan's bed was black with splatters of paint all over it, reminding Dan of when Oliver and Lucy had covered themselves in paint. That had been his inspiration for that wall. Another wall was blue and completely empty apart from the cartoon lama head towards one side. Another wall was painted red, with black writing that read 'Who wants to be normal? It's boring." This was something Dan told himself whenever he felt singled out, whenever he felt like he wanted to be like everyone else. The final wall, the one with the window, was painted green. To one side of the window was a cartoon portrait of him and Phil stood, arms around each other's shoulders. Dan was a tall, gangly creature and Phil was stood on tip toe to reach his shoulders. The green curtains hid his window seat, separating it from the rest of his room. He figured if he ever got angry or upset he could go behind the curtain and sit there until he calmed down. His pillows and beanbags they had brought the day before were scattered in one corner to create a comfy seating area. He had strung fairly lights around the room as well, and he wandered over to the light switch to turn the main light off. When it was off, Dan gasped slightly. The fairy lights reflected differently off the different coloured walls, throwing different coloured light throughout the room. It was relaxing. Dan squeezed Phil's hand gently and whispered "Thank you for helping me" his voice sounded hoarse, like he was about to cry. He felt Phil wrap his arms around Dan, and he hugged him back tightly.

It was nice to have a place that felt like home. It was nice to be cared about.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Caught out **

Dan and Phil sat at the dinner table waiting for Dave to serve up today's meal of cottage pie. Lucy was sat on the other side of Dan, and Oliver on the other side of Phil. This had become their typical seating arrangements. Lucy was leant over the sheet in front of her, eyebrows furrowed and the corners of her mouth down turned in frustration. Dave had been trying to help her with her school work, but she refused to do it unless Dan helped her. It was a bit annoying sometimes, but Dan didn't really mind. He liked that he could be of some help. He'd actually been very helpful in this matter however, just by simply filling in the homework diary. He'd been going through her reading with her, and she was really struggling. Not just with the difficult words, but with simple ones like 'art'. Dave had been receiving phone calls from the school, telling him that Lucy had been throwing temper tantrums in some of her lessons. Dan had asked her why and she said it made her angry that everyone thought she was dumb because she 'still couldn't read'. At her school after they did their homework their parent, or in this case, Dan, had to write a small comment, and that had been exactly what he'd done. He'd just said something about her struggling to read simple words and how this frustrated her. The school decided to test her, and it turned out she suffered from extreme dyslexia.

Now she was concentrating and trying to read a sentence from the sheet in front of her. She looked at it for a few more seconds before turning and saying confidently "I have a flower top". Dan smiled at her and said "That's really good Luce, but look at this word again…" he pulled the sheet over so it was in-between them. She looked at the word again and sounded out the letters "P-O-T…pot" Dan smiled at her again "Right! So what does the sentence say?" She frowned slightly and read it again "I have a flower… pot." He raised his hand for a high five, but she ignored him. "Hey, Luce, whats up? You're doing really well" She just shook her head and shoved the bit of paper away. "Everyone says I'm stupid now!" she whined "I can't read baby words! I hate this! What's wrong with me?" Dan grabbed her, turning her to face him again. "Lucy, look at me!" he demanded "You are NOT stupid. Your mind just works differently, that's all. It just means you're better at other things, like thinking up games and stories, than you are at other things, like reading. You're fine, and if anyone calls you stupid then they're the stupid ones, because they obviously can't understand that everyone's different, and that is simpler than reading. To understand that, you only have to look around and pay attention." She nodded at him and pulled the sheet towards her again, sighing. Dan smiled at her, amazed at her endurance. He took it away from her gently, and placed it on the counter behind them. "Take a break" he said to her gently. "Dinners nearly ready anyway."

He felt a hand reach out and brush against his, and he smiled at Phil. His boyfriend leant over on the pretence of picking up his glass and whispered in his ear "I'm really proud of you. I know you think you're useless, but think about how much Lucy loves you. You make a difference Dan." Phil pulled away and Dan nodded slightly as his Dinner was placed in front of him. They both ate quickly as they planned to go hang out in Dan's room for a bit before coming downstairs for the movie night that Sarah was throwing. Dan felt uncomfortable and he glanced up from his food to see Harry staring at him from the corner of his eyes. The minute he made eye contact Harry's eyes darted away. Dan went back to eating, trying to ignore the feeling that he was being watched. Soon he and Phil were finished and they excused themselves, standing up. They started to leave the kitchen when they heard Harry's nasal and annoying voice ask "Where are you to going?" Phil was quick off the mark and replied "I'm helping Dan with some homework before the movies start." Before turning around a walking out of the room, Dan following.

They were soon in Dan's room behind the curtain, sat on the window seat. They were sat leaning against opposite walls, facing each other, feet touching. Phil had his sketch book resting on his knees as he drew, and Dan was scrolling through his phone. He loved spending time with Phil. They didn't have to be kissing, or even talking. They just had to be near each other and Dan felt calm and happy. He spent most of his evenings behind the curtain with Phil now, just talking or listening to music, stuff like that. Sure, they kissed some times, and Dan liked this too, but he wasn't desperate to do it 24/7. He sniggered slightly at this thought. He was so dirty minded. Phil glanced up at him and raised an eyebrow "Something funny on your phone?" he asked, and Dan just shook his head. "The voices in my head make me laugh" Dan said, trying to keep a straight face, and Phil replied, just as seriously "Great. We've been dating a week and I've already driven you crazy." They burst into laughter and Dan twisted himself so that he could snuggle into Phil's side as he closed his sketch book. They sat like that for a while, and then Dan sighed, glancing at his phone. "It's nearly 7, we better get downstairs before they coming looking for us." Phil smiled at him and pecked him on the lips before climbing out from behind the curtain. Dan followed, awkward as ever, trying to not tangle himself up in his own limbs. Phil took Dan's hand in his and they opened the door to find Harry waiting for them.

They sprung apart quickly, but not quickly enough. Harry raised an eyebrow and said smugly "I told you I knew Phil. What have you two really been up to then?" Phil sighed and replied "Nothing you need to know about, Harry." Harry sniggered cruelly and then hissed at Phil "Do you know how much trouble you could get into for this Lester? Dirty little fag." Phil opened his mouth to reply, but Dan felt anger surge through him, red hot and burning. "Shut up Harry." He brought up his favourite defensive mechanism again. "Gosh, that hurt so much. Excuse me while I go cry in the closet" he hissed, his voice somehow still managing to stink of sarcasm. "You ought to shut your mouth you little prick" Harry said angrily "What if I decided to go and tell Dave?" Dan smirked and grabbed Phil's hand "Do what you want. We're not doing anything wrong. Come on, Phil" Dan said, starting to pull him away. Before they could escape however, Harry yanked Phil's sketch book from his hands. "Hey!" Phil exclaimed "Give that…" but Harry was already flicking through it. Dan caught a glimpse of what looked like an anime version of himself, but before he could get a proper look Harry snapped it shut, handing it back to Phil. "Nice work" he said snidely before barging past them and walking down the stairs.

Dan and Phil turned to face each other and Dan saw a look of worry on Phil's face. He drew his hand across his forehead and said "Phew!" trying to add a bit of comedy to the situation, hoping to cheer Phil up, but it didn't work. He looked at Dan and whispered "What are we going to do if he tells Dave?" Dan pulled him into a tight hug and rubbed him comfortingly on the back. "Like I said, we're not doing anything wrong. We'll cross that bridge if and when we need to. And do you know why it's going to be fine?" Phil's breath tickled his neck as he whispered "Why?" Dan tried not to giggle and said "We'll get through it together." After a moment they pulled apart and walked down the stairs without another word.

Two hours later the film they'd been watching was drawing to a close, and Dan felt quite relaxed. He was sat on the sofa next to Oliver and Lucy, and Phil was sat on the floor using Dan's legs as a back rest. He tried to focus on the movie, but kept getting distracted by the glances Phil was throwing in the direction of Harry and Dave. He wanted to lean forward, to hug him, to tell him not to worry, but he couldn't. He felt his arm being lifted and looked over to see Lucy lifting it. She quickly ducked underneath it and then placed it back down over her as she leant against his chest. He smiled, marvelling at how well he'd settled down here in a matter of months. Soon though, it was time for them to go to bed, and Dan decided to give Phil the night off. Phil glanced at the clock and saw it was their bed time, so he stood up and stretched. Dan smiled at him and said softly "I'll do them both tonight, ok? You can go relax for once." Phil smiled at him, acknowledging that he was actually giving him time to go think, and wandered out into the corridor to go to his room.

Dan glanced down to see a very tired looking Oliver and a Lucy he was actually asleep on him. He picked her up, trying not to jostle her to much, and then took Oliver by the hand. He carried Lucy, and half-pulled Oliver up the stairs, turning down Dave's offer of help. He led them both into the bathroom and shifted Lucy so he could hold her with one arm. With great difficulty he managed to get toothpaste on their toothbrushes and handed them to the kids. He watched as they sleepily whisked them around their mouths, and then Dan waited outside while Oliver used the toilet. When he was done Dan sat outside with Oliver while Lucy sleepily wandered in. He took them both back in and washed both their hands again before walking into Lucy's room. He laid her down on top of her bed and whispered "I'll be back in a minute ok?" she nodded back sleepily and placed her thumb in her mouth. He lead Oliver by the hand to his bedroom and handed him his pyjamas. He took over Phil's typical posture for this, sitting with his back to Harry and facing his bedroom door. He heard Harry climb into his bed and he got up and wandered over. He lifted the cover so that Oliver could slide under and then he ruffled his hair gently. "Good night" he whispered softly, and he was about to straighten up to leave when Oliver grabbed him around the neck. He pulled him down into a hug and yawned before releasing him and whispering tiredly "Night Dad". Dan walked over to the light and shut it off before leaving, closing the door behind him. Wait; did Oliver just call him dad? Dan smiled at this thought, and all he could find himself thinking was _I am getting too attached to these kids._

He walked into Lucy's room and picked up her pyjamas from the floor. "Come on Luce" he whispered "time to put you're pyjamas on" She mumbled and rolled to the edge of the bed, putting her arms up in the air. "You want me to dress you?" he laughed, and she just nodded sleepily. "Okay" he sighed and pulled her T-shirt over her head. He pulled the night dress on over her head and lifted her legs up in the air, tipping her backwards, receiving a few sleepily giggles. He pulled her jeans off in one fluid motion and then tucked her up under the covers. She blew him a kiss, eyes closed now, but he blew one back anyway before whispering "Night". She smiled and rolled over, and Dan turned off her light before leaving her room and shutting the door.

He decided that he might as well go to sleep too, so wandered back towards the bathroom. Soon he was back in his room, pulling his shirt on over his head. He switched off his light, leaving the fairy lights on, and clambered into his bed. He fell asleep quickly. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Phil's thoughts **

Phil lay in bed, thinking. If he had to guess he would say it had been about an hour since the film had finished, but he wasn't sure. The passing of time seemed to change whenever Phil had to think.

I don't think Dan understands how much trouble we could get in. He's right of course, we aren't doing anything wrong, but are people really going to believe that? There was nothing illegal about them kissing, they were both giving consent, but would people believe that was all they were doing?

He found himself wishing he was Dan's age. Everything would be so much easier. Dave would have to watch them sure, but people wouldn't look down on them. Phil wouldn't have to worry about leaving. It would be so easy.

I don't know what to do. I can't leave him, I already know that. I care too much, and I wouldn't be able to look at him everyday knowing that I had feelings for him. I just want people to leave us alone. Was it really bad for him to be happy? Was it really bad that someone cared about him?

He felt cursed, as though every time he got close to someone, they were pulled apart. Him and his parents, him and PJ, him and Dan. He remembered how PJ used to care, until he left. His visits became less and less frequent, and he became more and more distant until he was just calling. Then nothing. He remembered how he used to be so happy, how his parents used to care.

He wasn't sure when these memories stopped being memories and became dreams. Soon however he was shivering in cupboard under the stairs, listening to his parents screaming. He was in filthy clothes that he'd been wearing for at least 8 days, and his stomach was grumbling. This was obviously the really bad times, the times when the only meals he ever got for 3 months were the school lunches. He heard his dad's low bellow. "Stupid BITCH! Do you think I don't know? Keep your eyes to yourself you stupid tart!". He heard sobbing and a pleading voice, his mothers "I wasn't looking at him, I promise!" BANG. Phil shot out of the cupboard, desperate to protect his mother. He ran along the corridor, heart pounding, but it just seemed to get longer. The door got further and further away, and he sped up, desperate to get there. Eventually he got there, and he looked around. There was his mother, lying on the floor, mascara running down her face with her tears. His dad was stood above her, fist raised. "Dad, please!" Phil's younger self pleaded. The man turned to face him, fist still raised, and Phil was frozen. A sinister laugh and a voice echoing in his head "You need to toughen up boy." A blow to the head, the cold floor pressed against his cheek. His mothers trembling voice "Darling, let me sort him out." The hope, rising in his chest, like a bird rising from its perch. He was yanked up roughly by his hair, and the bird hit the top of its cage. He opened his eyes, pain searing through his scalp, his head being banged into corners as he was dragged up the stairs. His door was opened and he was thrown against his bed. A sharp slap across the cheek. A voice screaming at him "Stay here you worthless piece of shit. Don't you get it? You're not wanted. You're a mistake. It's all your fault!" A door slams, key clicks in a lock. Rocking backwards and forwards "I'm sorry!" All his fault.

I'm sorry

He tossed and turned the whole night, sleep plagued by nightmares.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Quiet room **

It had been a week since Harry had caught them holding hands, and Phil was actually starting to think that they'd got away with it. That was of course, until he was called in to talk to Dave. Phil was pretty good, nowhere near as bad as Dan, so he knew straight away. He knew it was about Dan. He'd just been sat on the floor, helping Oliver plan his next 'stake out' when Sarah walked in. She didn't make eye-contact with, just looked at the floor. "Phil, could you come to Dave's office please?" He nodded, trying not to worry Oliver, and stood up. He couldn't help glancing over at Dan who was helping Lucy with her reading. He was staring at him, and Phil smiled, hoping it appeared reassuring, before following Sarah to Dave's office.

Dan watched Phil leave, and he knew something was wrong. Phil had tried to stay calm, to appear fine, but Dan could see the panic in his eyes. They weren't sparkling like usual, they were dull. Always a sign that something was wrong. He glanced down at Lucy and said "Hey, you've done really well. Do you want to take a break?" She nodded at him and jumped off the sofa to sit with Oliver. Dan stood up quickly and walked towards Dave's office, deciding he'd wait outside for Phil.

Phil sat on the chair, staring at his hands. He noticed his leg was jiggling up and down slightly, and he tried to stop it. It wasn't just Dave in the room, they were all there. Harry, Sarah and Sonia. This made him feel even more nervous, the eyes burning into him made him feel uncomfortable. He heard Dave clear his throat, and glanced up. He looked back down quickly, deciding it was best not to look. He didn't want to see the disappointed look on their faces. He'd disappointed enough people in his life. "Phil, I understand that you and Dan have become close recently, and I'm really thankful for it. You helped him settle down, and I don't doubt that he might not even be here if it wasn't for you. I'm just a bit worried that you're getting… too close. You both need to make new friends." Phil felt anger slowly start too coarse through him, and he looked up. He glared at Harry before turning to look at Dan. "Don't lie Dave. We all know what's going on here." Dave sighed and rubbed his head. "Ok, Phil. We know you and Dan were seen being intimate…" Phil interrupted coldly "We were holding hands." Dave took a deep breath and continued "Yes, well. We just don't want either of you to get hurt." Phil laughed and said "Don't lie to me Dave. You know we won't hurt each other. We care about each other. Just get to your point." Dave sat up a bit straighter and said "Look, you could get in a lot of trouble for this, Phil." Phil shook his head quickly "It's not like that. We've just kissed for god's sake." Dave sighed again and glanced at the floor, and Phil felt guilty. He knew Dave didn't want to do this, to make him or Dan unhappy, but that didn't change what was going on. He needed to stand up for him and Dan. "Look, Dave" Phil said, slightly more softly, although there was still an edge of steel "What do you want? You haven't just called me in here for a friendly chat about me and Dan." Dave looked back up at him, smiling slightly. He could read Phil; he knew he was trying to stay calm. "I need you and Dan to just… cut it down, ok? I know you have innocent attentions, but we can't risk it." Before Phil could reply about the fact it was none of their business so they weren't risking anything, he heard Harry snigger. "Such innocent intentions. He's been in his room in the middle of the night for god's sake. That's so innocent!" Phil's head snapped to Harry and he found himself shouting "Whats your problem with this Harry?" Harry smirked, happy to see that he was receiving a reaction, just like a school bully. "My problem is it's not natural!" he hissed and Phil just laughed. "Last time I checked it wasn't your place to pass judgement on us. I also seem to remember that you're not meant to call the childr3en in your care faggots either, but you seem to do that a lot." Harry stepped forward, mouth open but he was interrupted by Dave murmuring "Get out Harry, you're not helping!" Harry stared at him for a moment, pure rage covering his face, before storming from the room, slamming the door behind him.

Dan was stood in the corridor. He could hear raised voices coming from inside, one of them sounded like Phil's. That couldn't be right, Phil would never shout. Dan strained, but he couldn't hear what they were saying. He was considering walking in, demanding to know what they were talking about, when the door swung open suddenly. Harry stomped out, a huge frown on his face. Dan was surprised his eyes weren't red with the amount of fury that was behind them. He slammed the door and stomped past Dan, not even looking up. Dan raised an eyebrow slightly and smirked. Whatever they were discussing was angering Harry, so Dan was happy.

Phil coughed, breaking the silence that had settled thickly over the room. "Look, Dave" he said honestly "I'm really sorry about all this. I still don't see what you want though." Dave thought for a moment, and sighed, frustrated. "Phil I don't even know. It can't continue though, higher powers are showing interest." Phil chuckled slightly at the term. It sounded as though one of the mythical beasts in Buffy were forcing Dave's hand. Dave smiled at him and continued "Phil I know it's none of my business, but are you even… that way inclined? I mean, I've known you since you were young and…" he trailed off at the look on Phil's face. "That way inclined? Gay you mean, right? Just fucking say it. In awnser to your question, yes I am. If I wasn't this would all be pretty strange, wouldn't it? Last time I checked I wouldn't be crushing on a boy, enjoy spending a boy, and yes, god forbid it, KISSING a boy unless I was 'that way inclined'" he took a breather, his rant over. He realised that was the second time he had shouted, and he'd cursed. He felt guilt rise through his chest, but he shoved it down quickly. He never shouted, he reminded himself too much of his dad, and that was someone he never wanted to be. He wasn't just going to let people walk all over him, not on this matter. This was important. Dave watched him for a moment, making sure he had diffused his anger, before continuing. "I understand that this can be a hard realisation" Phil interrupted him quickly, spitting "You're going to turn into a therapist now?" Dave continued as though he hadn't spoken "I just want to make sure you haven't been pressured into thinking it." A part of Phil's mind, the calm, rational, Phil-ish part was telling him to calm down. Dave had become like a farther to him, and he was just trying to look out for him like a farther would. This was just proof that someone apart from Dan cared about him. However, he couldn't hear this part over the screaming and the yelling in his head. He was on his feet, although he didn't remember standing up. Her saw read, his vision, he thinking, it was all clouded by the intense anger he felt. His mouth opened and suddenly all of this was spilling out of his mouth. It was a direct attack on Dan, and he wasn't going to let that slide. "He would never… never… he would" He wanted to say so much he was just spluttering, unable to form it into words. Typical, he was useless. "He would NEVER pressure me into that. I like him, and I'm happy. Why can't people just be happy? He cares about me, so don't you DARE even for a moment to THINK THAT HE WOULD DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. He is twice the man anyone here will be. He's twice the man I'll ever be. He cares about me, and I care about him, and THAT is all I care about, not what some stupid strangers think." He took another deep breath and turned towards the door, preparing to leave.

Now, at this point, he hadn't done enough to end up in the quiet room. That place was for the serious things, the things Dave decided couldn't be talked out. You had to do a hell of a lot to get in there, and then some more on top of that, just plainly because Dave hated putting people in there. He didn't use it like other places did, as a form of punishment when they no longer cared, when they just couldn't be bothered. He hated putting the kids in there, hated seeing what it did to them, how they would shrink into themselves for days afterwards. You only ended up in there if you were a serious danger to the others, if even Dave couldn't cope with you no matter how hard he tried, or if they thought you were doing damage to yourself (hence the smoking incident). Phil was fine, until he made an idiotic mistake; something he didn't even realise would have a big effect until it had already happened. Dave stepped forward, arm outstretched to stop him, to pat him reassuringly on the shoulder, to do whatever. He didn't do it to hurt him; he didn't do it to scare him. However Phil reacted in the way any angry teenager would. He took a quick step back and hissed "Don't touch me."

The door swung open again, and what Dan saw shocked him. Phil was being marched out as though he was being arrested. Dave was holding his arms behind him, but his face showed his worry for Phil. Phil was trying to pull away, was calling out, trying to make them stop, to listen. Dan couldn't hear what he was saying though. There was a roaring in his ears, and he was frozen. He wanted to dart forward, to help him. He wanted to find out what had happened. He'd wanted to help. Soon however he was shoved against a wall as they moved past him, and then they were gone, disappearing around the corner. Dan found himself finally able to think clearly. What was happening? Where were they taking him? Why were they taking him? Phil wouldn't have done anything bad, Dan was sure of that. He lunged forward, feet pounding, following them around the corner.

When Dan had turned the corner he saw Dave, surrounded by Sarah and Sonia, turning the key in the lock. It took Dan a moment to register where they were, what was behind that door. The quiet room. He ran forward again as Dave turned, sliding the key into his pocket. "Whats happened? Why are you putting him in there?" Dan demanded at Dave, but the man just shook his head before walking past Dan, followed closely by Sonia. Sarah stood in the corridor, looking unsure, and Dan took advantage of this. "Sarah, please. What happened?" She just looked at him, thinking. She took a deep breath before saying, sounding exhausted "You'll find out anyway. Dave wanted to talk Phil…. About something." She looked at Dan, who grew more confused, before continuing "He got angry and Dave reached out to touch him. Phil told him not too" she sighed and said quietly "He thinks he's relapsing." Dan stared at her for a moment, not able to put all the questions bouncing around in his head into order. He settled for asking "When's he going to be allowed out?" She studied for a moment before replying "At curfew, I guess." She walked past him, avoiding eye contact.

Dan remembered what Phil had said about the quiet room, how scared he had sounded. Dan knew the walls were sound proof, but he decided to stay anyway. Hopefully Phil would realise that he was there for him, even if he couldn't see him, couldn't hear him. If Phil was going to spend the whole day alone, doing nothing, so was Dan. He sat down, leaning against the door, and resigned himself to being there for a while.

Phil stood there for about 10 minutes, just staring around the room. He couldn't believe he was back in here. He felt completely broken already. He sat down on the floor, his back against the door, and broke. He was racked by sobs, his head was splitting. He couldn't think straight, he just kept muttering to himself "Please, please." When he finally stopped his eyes were red and swollen, there were tear tracks down his cheeks, and his hair was on end from running his hand through it. He stood up and walked around for a while, trying to distract himself. Maybe it wasn't as bad as he remembered, maybe it would be ok. Maybe they'd let him out soon. He was deluding himself. It wasn't just him who hated it in here, who was terrified by the place. Everyone that ended up in here came out a mess. Even Jake had come out shaking, and he'd stayed silent for days. Phil had seen worse though. He remembered when Oliver had ended up in here. When they came to check on him he had screamed himself hoarse, and he'd started to scratch his arms so much they were bleeding. He refused to even leave his room for two weeks. Phil found himself believing that this place caused more problems than it solved.

Eventually he sat down on the beanbag, and started to think, After all that was the point of this place, to make you think. It was what drove you crazy. The utter silence, just you and your thoughts. People don't realise, but there is always noise. It's constant, it envelopes us. It's like a blanket, something that you forget is there until it's removed and you suddenly feel the cold you didn't know existed. It was always there, the TV in the background, the talking downstairs, even just traffic noise. Your own breathing, something you never pay attention too, sounds too loud, like it's intruding. It's wrong.

Thinking was something that should be done in comfortable surroundings. You should be ready, you should make the conscious descion. You weren't given that here, there was nothing you could do but think. Phil thought. He realised how disturbing his shouting had been. Was he like his dad? No, he couldn't be. Could he? No, no way. He would never hit someone, he just couldn't do it. Was this thing with him and Dan wrong? No. Dan was right, they weren't doing anything bad. People thought they were. It didn't matter. Yes it did. What should they do? "I don't know!" he screamed into the room, his own anguished being reverberated back at him.

He spent hours rocking, thinking and crying, questioning everything. He was going crazy with the silence. He spoke out loud for a while, trying to keep himself calm, trying to break the silence in the room. He stopped when he realised that the room was seriously getting to him. He was talking to himself. It was ridiculous. You went through stages in this room. You start scared, you work yourself up, and then you go into denial. You think that you're imagining it. Then you accept it, you try to distract yourself. That's was when the terror returns to you.

This was the stage Phil had reached when Sarah came in, holding a paper plate with his dinner on it. Of course, you couldn't have a proper plate in this place, and Phil could understand why. He'd happily knock himself out to make this all just go away. He took the plate from Sarah without looking at her. This was why you drew into yourself. In care homes, you had to be tough. Normal people opened themselves up to bullying by showing weakness, but it was so much worse if you came from one of these places. When you showed weakness you convinced yourself and others that you were different, broken, that you couldn't cope with the outside world. Could he? You couldn't interact with people. You couldn't risk that they would hurt you while you were down, that they would see the anguish you tried to hide, that they would see your thoughts, your doubts. He just stared at the floor, waiting to hear the door click as she locked it. Waiting to hear that sound that sealed his fate, that told him he was stuck, that he would always be stuck in his past. Instead he heard a voice. "Dan's eating outside. He's been sat out there all day, refusing to move. Dave told me to tell you that you'll be out in an hour." Phil just stared at the floor and whispered "I wasn't relapsing, I shouldn't be in here. You can touch me, see? I'm fine! I didn't mean it like that." She ignored him of course, and she left, locking the door. That was another stage, the begging, the pleading. They were taught to ignore it. Phil tried to hold onto the sound of another voice, but it was already fading. He only had one other thing to hold onto during that hour, and it made it marginally better.

Dan was waiting for him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Who cares? **

Phil watched as the door creaked open slowly, and Dave slid into the room. Phil craned his neck, trying to catch a glimpse of Dan waiting outside, but Dave kept the door as closed as possible. When he was in the room he shut the door before turning to face the mess that was Phil. "I'm sorry Phil, ok? You know how much I hate putting people in here." Phil just nodded, looking away. Dave couldn't see how broken he was, nobody could. It would hurt them. That meant they couldn't look at his face, his eyes. He couldn't hide the pain there, not now. He knew it got easier to hide, it got easier to fake smiles, until eventually you managed to push this place to the back of your mind. Not completely, but enough that you could continue with everyday life. Enough so that you wouldn't have to fake smiles. Enough so that people could look at you without flinching. You never forget though, you never forget the terror, the anguish, the hate. This would be the place that would follow Phil from his childhood. This would never fade. Dave stood there in silence, watching him, waiting for him to look over, to say something. Eventually Phil said quietly "Can we please leave now?" Dave sighed and replied "We need to talk Phil, you know I can't just let you out of here without checking you're ok." Phil still didn't look at him. He meant to sound angry, but the anger sounded half hearted. Phil didn't have it in him to be angry anymore. He'd been stripped down to the bare minimum. He'd gone from living, to existing. "You mean you have to check that we haven't gone insane. Well I'm afraid that I can't promise you anything till I'm out. I always feel insane in here." Dave took a small step closer and said just as quietly "No. There is a reason to this room, no matter how much I hate it. You have to think. Now you need to tell me what you thought about so we can work through it." Phil sighed, exhausted, and replied "Yeah, you're definitely training to be a shrink." Dave didn't laugh, just stared at Phil, waiting for a awnser. Phil could feel the eyes drilling into his back, red hot with the pain Dave was obviously experiencing after seeing Phil, who was normally so happy, so bright and bubbly, so kind, acting like this. He shuffled slightly, uncomfortable. The feeling of being watched just made this place worse.

He decided he might as well just say something believable, to get out. He couldn't stand being in here one minute longer. He didn't like to lie, so he stayed as close to the truth as possible. Normally he wouldn't have got away with it, it was easy to tell when he was lying. After you've been broken like this place broke him however, who was to say you were lying. Who was to say that this just wasn't the affect of the room? Phil still didn't look at Dave though, just in case. "I thought about my dad. I thought about how I'm becoming like him, about how I don't want to, ok? Is that good enough for you?" Phil heard Dave take another step forward, and he realised Dave was testing him. He remembered when he first came here, he remembered one of their tactics for making him better. They would take steps closer while trying to distract him, by talking to him or putting a film on. They tired to see how close they could get before he would freak out. Phil spun around quickly to face Dave, but stayed looking at the floor. Before he could make it clear however, that he knew what was going on, Dave spoke again. "What conclusion did those thoughts lead you to?" Phil sighed again and replied cautiously "I'm not going to let myself become my dad. I'm not like him. At my age he was already beating people up, physically and mentally. I try to do the opposite. I may lose my temper every now and then, that doesn't make me him. It just puts me in danger of becoming him if I'm not careful." Phil spewed out what he knew Dave wanted to hear, but he didn't believe it. He just wanted out. He couldn't conclude his thoughts properly in here anyway! While he had spoken, Dave had taken two more steps forward. "Dave, I'm not a little kid anymore. I know what you're doing. I haven't relapsed, I never did. I just said it without thinking ok, I didn't think. Can't I even talk like a normal person now without my sanity being questioned?" he took a deep breath, trying to show Dave that he was calm. "Look, you can touch me. I'm fine. Can I please leave now?"

Phil had stood up and placed a hand on Dave's arm, trying to prove that he was fine. Dave studied the contact for a moment, before sighing and moving away from the door. Phil removed his hand and walked quickly towards the door, trying not to run. He didn't say another word until he was outside that place and wrapped safely in Dan's arms. They stood there for what felt like an eternity, Dan rocking Phil comfortingly while Phil whispered to them both "It's fine, it's over, I'm fine." When they finally pulled apart, Dave had already walked past them and disappeared.

A while later they were both sat in the empty living room. All the other kids had gone to bed, and it was way past curfew, but the others didn't seem to care anymore. Dave had walked past the doorway and seen them on his way to bed, and he opened his mouth as though he was going to say something, and then closed it again. He just shook his head and continued past. There Dan and Phil sat, in silence, hands intertwined. Dan was waiting, not wanting to push Phil into telling him before he was ready. He had noticed how Phil wouldn't look anyone in the eye, how his posture was slightly hunched, head done. He looked like a twisted, broken, damaged doll. Dan sat there, waiting, hoping that Phil realised Dan was there, that he wasn't going to leave him.

Phil sat, hand intertwined with Dans warm hand, and thought. He didn't want to look over, didn't want Dan to see how broken he was. He didn't want to scare him, to worry him. He didn't want him to leave him alone. He slowly realised though that eventually he was going to have to look at people, to get along with life again. He was out now, it was over. Things could get back to some form of normal. Anyway, he'd seen Dan broken, crushed destroyed. He'd seen hints of it when he spoke about his mother, his past care homes, the friends he could barely remember before his life was turned upside down. He'd seen it completely when he'd stormed out of therapy, the terror behind his eyes. It's difficult, when your past is so bad it scares you, because you can't run away from it, can you? It's always there, lurking in the corners of your mind. It can ruin everything, even if you only think about it for a split second. Dan knew what it was like to be completely broken, he understood. Phil could trust him. He turned slowly to face Dan, letting the younger boy take it all in.

Dan hated seeing him like this, hated it. Not only were his eyes red and swollen, his hair messy, his cheeks stained with tears, but it was his expression. His half closed, his eyebrows knitted together, his mouth in a straight line. At first glance it would come across as un-feeling, cold, but Dan knew Phil to well. He could see the pain in the eyes, the confusion, the hatred aimed towards himself. He could see that it was un-feeling, but more, feeling too much. He had experienced it, the mind destroying overwhelm of feelings, the way you feel like the only thing you can do is close yourself of. You can't take anymore thoughts, emotions, so you close yourself off. You try to shut everything out; you try feel less, just because you've reached your limits. He also knew from his experience that it didn't make things better, it just put things off. It let things build until it broke the boundaries, until you no longer had any other option than to face it. He knew Phil knew this, but he also understood that knowing and doing, knowing and understanding, were two different things. He understood that in this state, you do not care that things will be worse in the long run, just as long as you don't have to deal with it now. The short term is all that matters. He waited, knowing that eventually, Phil would come a little more back to him. Not completely, but enough to see what he was doing wasn't going to help.

Phil watched Dan's face, how the minute he turned to look at him, pain shot through it. He managed to keep his expression soft, normal, but his eyes hardened with the weakness, something only pain could achieve. Then they warmed, and it took Phil a minute to understand. That's exactly what it was, understanding. He saw the resignation in the lines next to Dan's eyes, the resignation to waiting. Phil took a deep breath. He wanted to talk, he just didn't know how. "I'm ready, I just don't know where to start" he said, his voice steeled with an edge of desperation, of panic. He felt Dan squeeze his hand slightly and he smiled. Not his perfect grin, but a sad, pained smile. A smile that said _I know, I understand, and I'm not going to leave you alone. _"Start from the beginning, what did they want to talk to you about?" Phil sighed, unsure of how Dan was going to react. "They, um, wanted to talk about us. I'm still not sure what they wanted. It was almost like a warning, I think. It seemed like they'd already made up their minds, that it was already decided that we were bad." The only sign that Dan had even heard him was the slight furrowing of his eyebrows. That was all Phil needed though, to know that Dan wasn't happy. He also knew, he didn't know how but he did, he just knew, that Dan wasn't angry with him. He wasn't even really angry with Dave. He was angry with how things had turned out for them, he was angry at life, at circumstance. He also knew that he was holding it back for now, putting helping Phil first, and he appreciated it. He'd experienced enough shouting from his mouth and his head today.

"Ok" Dan nodded, still smiling at Phil."So you… shouted?" he continued, sounding unsure. "I shouted, I swore, I… just felt so angry!" Dan nodded and replied quietly "I know the feeling." Phil returned the smile, hoping it showed his understanding; his anger at the fact Dan did understand when he shouldn't have to. "They don't send you there for shouting though, Phil, otherwise I'd live there." Phil shook his head and explained "I would have been fine if I hadn't made a stupid mistake. Typical me though, I have to just go that little bit to far by accident." Dan nodded at him, urging him to continue. "Dave reached out to touch me, I don't know why. I reacted without thinking. I told him not to touch me. He thought I was relapsing. I wasn't though!" he said, slightly panicked. "I wasn't, I just said it. It's a figure of speech!" Dan nodded and said softly "I know Phil, its fine. He was stupid to think that." He looked at Phil worriedly before continuing "I can't be angry at him though, he was just trying to help." Phil nodded in agreement. They sat for a few more minutes in silence before Dan whispered "Are you ready to talk about being in there, or…." He tailed off, unsure. Phil nodded and thought for a moment, trying to put it into words. "I just… broke. I mean I…. I…. it just…" he couldn't do it, he didn't know how. It didn't matter though. Dan just nodded and said slowly "It was overwhelming. It was scary and sad and it made you angry, it made you terrified, it made you desperate and confused. It was too much to take in. It was unnerving, the silence, how could everything be so quiet when your head was so loud?" Phil nodded, grateful. "Yeah. It makes you think, being in there. That's what it's for." Dan nodded and asked gently "What did you think about?"

Phil had to be completely honest, and it was hard. He just tried to focus on his cold hand in Dan's warm one, tried to focus on how it might help to talk about it. "I thought about my Dad for a bit. I thought about how angry I got. I never shout, I never swear. I try to be the person I wish my dad would have been. I thought about how I might end up like him, a horrible person who is just anger. Nothing but anger. I know I'm not as bad as him, but what if I become like that. What if I suddenly become him? I don't want to be him." Phil's voice broke, and he felt more tears well in his eyes. He blinked them back, surprised he could still cry. Dan hugged him tightly, whispering in his ear "You will not be like your dad. You couldn't be if you tried. You're too good, to amazing, to… you. It doesn't matter what your parents were like, you're still your own person. You are you, and you don't want to be like that, so you won't. It is that simple." He pulled away, and they went back to holding hands. Phil thought about what Dan had said. Could it really be that easy? He'd been doing alright so far, until today. He realised quickly though, Dan wasn't saying it was easy. He was saying it was a simple choice to make, and for Phil it was. He was saying that as long as Phil made that choice, he would be able to work with it. He would have it to hold onto, and with work, he would do it. "Thank you" he whispered to Dan, and continued "After that, I thought about what we should do. I think they want us to stay away from each other, to carry on as though this never happened. I can't do that." Dan grinned at him, this time a real smile, a smile of a happiness and said softly "Good, because I can't either. So we won't." Phil smiled back at him and said "What should we do then?"

Dan thought for a long time. What should they do? They weren't going to do what they wanted. Not only could they not do it, Dan didn't see why they should. Just because Harry was a homophobic twat. Just because people would assume things, it shouldn't mean they should change. They shouldn't have to sneak around like they had been; they hadn't been doing anything wrong. "Phil, I think we should just be open. I think we should just openly date, they know now anyway. We need to show them that we're proud, that they aren't going to stop us. It makes us happy, and that's all we need to be. Anyway, if we're open about it, then they can open about telling us what they want. They can openly watch us, make sure were never alone so we can't do anything wrong. We'll just carry on like we have been while were alone, but just in public. Just like any other normal couple, who cares what idiots like Harry think?" Phil smiled at him, and squeezed his hand.

"Ok." 


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Hey guys, I just really wanted to say thanks for all the reviews, follows, favourites and all that jazz, you guys actually do not realise how much it means to me :P They really are appreciated and I try to reply to all of them to let you guys know, but in case I somehow miss you, this is a collective thanks. You guys really seem to appreciate the regular updates but it's you guys that keep me updating, so it's all thanks to you! When I first started uploading on here (less than a week ago, can you believe!) I really didn't expect anything like this, and this is getting really long so I'm going to say bye now before I make you all sick with my gushing. Thanks! Free llama shaped malteasers for everyone! **

**Chapter 15: Kinda normal **

So they carried on, settling into this new kind of normal after a few days. They were happy showing each other off and not hiding anymore. They were happy being themselves, something they felt like they hadn't done for a while. The first day had been hard though.

Dan padded out of his room after Harry had banged on it so hard that Dan was truly surprised he hadn't broken it. "Get up!" he screamed through, jolting Dan from his happy half sleeping half waiting state. He started walking towards the bathroom, towel on arm and toothbrush in hand, thinking about the upcoming school day. He wandered past Oliver's open bedroom door to see him already dressed and packing his bag, Phil helping him find the right books. Dan wandered in and called happily "Morning Ollie!" Oliver turned around, flashing Dan a happy but sleepy grin before running to his bed. "Phil, I want to take Tom to school for show and tell!" Phil chuckled slightly and said back "I'm sure everyone will love it." Tom was Oliver's teddy bear. Dan wandered over and hugged Phil. When they pulled away Dan noticed dark circles under his eyes, and his brow furrowed slightly in worry. Not wanting to draw attention to the fact he was worried in front of Oliver he turned to the little boy and said "Did Phil get you up really early today? You're already dressed!" Oliver nodded and yawned slightly, making Dan laugh. Dan shook his head at Oliver and rolled his eyes before saying "Hey that means you have time for a proper breakfast! Why don't you go downstairs and see if Dave will make you some toast?" Oliver jumped up and down excitedly, tiredness forgotten and ran from the room. Dan turned around to face Phil and raised an eyebrow. Phil smiled weakly at him before saying hoarsely "I couldn't sleep properly". Dan understood. They'd sorted out the problems, talked it out, but it was still going to take a few days. It wasn't an experience you could just talk away, Phil was going have to get through it. He was making eye contact though, and he was already back into his routine, good signs. He hugged the older boy again and whispered "It'll be fine, you just need a few days". Phil nodded, tucking his head into Dan's chest. They stood like that for a minute and then Oliver walked in. They pulled apart slowly, not worried, and just smiled at the young boy. He returned their grins and said happily "Dave's making me toast with JAM!" Phil laughed and said "Great, you better go downstairs and eat it then, take your bag with you." Oliver ran over to his bag and then shot from the room again. "At least someone has some energy!" Phil laughed and continued "You better go get ready Dan, don't worry about Lucy, she's already downstairs and ready." Dan shook his head in amazement and said jokingly "Wow, poor kids. Just because you can't sleep they have to get up early!" Phil stuck his tongue out at him, looking adorable as always, although the exhaustion on his face ruined the picture slightly.

Dan brushed his teeth quickly and jumped into the shower. He was trying to be quick so he could go and see Phil downstairs, but he couldn't rush the shower. He let it relax the muscles in his back and sighed contentedly. Eventually he turned it off and stepped into the cold air, drying himself with the towel and throwing his pyjamas back on for the short walk back to his room. Once there he changed quickly, knowing he needed to blow dry and straighten his hair. He threw on his blue skinny jeans and a plain white T-shirt before sitting down in the corner to dry his hair. Soon it was dry and straightened, hobbit hair banished for the day as long as it didn't rain. He chucked his books into his bag along with his PE kit and threw the backpack over his shoulder. Phil was waiting for him in the corridor, and Dan grinned at him. He was nervous, butterflies in his stomach, but he was excited to. He gave Phil a quick peck on the lips and whispered to him "You ready?" Phil grinned at him, his tongue poking out slightly, and replied "Of course I am. You're gorgeous and you're all mine!" Dan chuckled and pulled the ugliest face he could, cross eyed, mouth gaping, and Phil said happily "Still gorgeous." They took each other's hand, entwined their fingers tightly, and walked down the stairs.

They walked into the living room hand in hand, and Phil made an effort not to look at the floor. He worried that the damage from yesterday was still clear on his face, but standing with Dan made him feel invincible. He saw Harry's expression change quickly from shock to fury. It was almost comical the way his face turned bright red. He half expected steam to start blowing out of his ears, and he smirked at the knowledge that there was nothing Harry could do about this. He wasn't the only one that noticed Harry's anger, it was hard to ignore. The atmosphere in the room suddenly felt tense, and Phil glanced over at Dan nervously. He automatically calmed down when he saw the wide grin on his face, he couldn't help it. He loved how he was so comfortable in his own skin. He looked around the room nervously and saw Jay, Emily, Jake and Zeena all staring at them. He felt the warmth on his cheeks and knew he was blushing. Great. Sam opened his mouth to say something, but he was quelled by a look from Dave. Dan turned to Phil, squeezed his hand slightly, and then walked over to their seats hand in hand, both smiling.

They sat in the back as usual, but not as normal, because Dan had his arm around Phil's waist. It was pretty normal though, under the circumstances. Oliver and Lucy nattered on about school and their dreams, just random stuff like that. Dan and Phil laughed along with them, chatted as though it was a normal day. When they'd dropped the littlies off, they sat on their own in a comfortable silence, just grinning at each other. Dan was thinking this might actually go well, that everything was going to be fine. He didn't think about what would happen when they weren't surrounded by adults. Sarah dropped them all off in the car park and drove away. Dan and Phil turned away, started walking hand in hand to the school, but were stopped by Jake, Jay and Emily stepping in front of them. "Erm, excuse me" Dan said, trying to be polite, and they just smirked at him. Jake was the first to speak, in a tone that suggested he was trying not to laugh. "Ah, the perfect couple." He turned away from Dan and said to Phil "You're causing a lot of trouble these days Lester. Try not get into too many fights, or you'll end up back in the quiet room." Phil flinched at the word fight, and Dan felt anger surge through him. He knew that Sam didn't know about Phil's past, but he honestly didn't care. Even if he hadn't known how much it would hurt Phil, he still said it with the intention of causing the perfect creature pain. "Shut up Jake!" he said, teeth clenched. There were plenty of worse things he wanted to say, but he knew how much Phil hated conflict. He squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him. Emily smirked, pearly pink lips on bright orange make up covered skin, and hissed "Look who's getting angry, watch out Jake; he might bring out his handbag." Dan sniggered slightly and said "No, sorry, I'll have to borrow one from you." He pretend to sniff the air, and continued, pulling a disgusted face, "Remind me not to borrow your perfume while I'm at it." Like a typical girly-girl, the type who things she's perfect, this stupid comment really got to her. She opened her mouth, probably to start screaming, but was interrupted by her sister growling "At least she's normal." Dan smirked and replied "Good for her. Come on Phil." He pulled his boyfriend gently away from them and they walked away, ignoring the shouts behind them.

"Who cares what they think" he said to Phil, trying to reassure him more than himself. Phil smiled at him and leant over to peck him on the cheek. "I'm fine" he told the brown haired beauty simply. Dan heard the click of heels running behind them, and turned around to tell Emily to just leave them alone, when he stopped in his tracks. It wasn't Emily, it was Zeena. She caught up to them and stood next to them. Dan studied her, he saw her swallow and avert her eyes and realised he was making her uncomfortable. "Sorry" he murmured. She seemed to be bigging herself up to do something, and she said quietly "It's ok. I'm happy for you two; I know what it's like for people to think you're a freak." Dan was shocked. Her voice was high and sweet, but not fake. She sounded like a little girl. He recovered himself and said "Thank you" gently, wondering if she was going to say anything else. She just smiled at him, and all of a sudden, Phil had let go of his hand. He gave her a quick, awkward hug, un-able to speak for fear he might start crying. He pulled away quickly, clearing his throat, and whispered a quick "sorry" before stepping back and taking Dan's hand again. She just smiled at him, nodded quickly, and then walked towards the school without looking back. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Phil breathed "That was so nice!" Dan just smiled and then they started walking towards the school.

Now Phil had completed his art he had a free period first, so he decided to wait for Dan outside his form room and walk him to his first lesson. He gave him a quick peck on the lips outside the school face, receiving funny looks from many of the people milling around them, and pretended to walk towards the sixth form. He carried on walking until he was out of sight and waited for a few minutes before walking back and heading towards his form room.

Dan walked to his form room on his own, head down, going over the morning in his head. He wasn't sure what to think anymore if he was being completely honest. He was happy because Dave hadn't said anything, hadn't tried to stop them. He wasn't so happy with the way the others had reacted, but he decided he could live with that. It wasn't like they had been his friends beforehand. He was more happy for Zeena than for him and Phil about her talking to them. In a strange way, he felt proud of her. He was happy to be with Phil in the open, and he decided that happiness was all that mattered in the end. He walked a bit straighter, looking ahead, grinning. He reached his form room quickly and took his seat at the back of the room, waiting for the teacher and the others to arrive. This wasn't unusual; his teacher was always late in the mornings. His form were pretty used to spending the first 15 minutes of the day without supervision. Of course it caused a lot of trouble, but that wasn't really his problem. It looked like his form tutor was going to miss it again when he still wasn't there 5 minutes later. Dan shrugged to himself, relaxing into his chair waiting for the bell to go for first lesson. He closed his eyes trying to hold onto this happy feeling until he could see Phil again. "Oh, Dan!" he heard a voice call, and he opened his eyes slightly. A boy, Dan couldn't remember his name, was stood in front of him, a smirk on his face. Dan just raised his eyebrows, waiting for the boy to continue. "Did I see you kiss a boy earlier?" Dan sat up a bit straighter, feeling the whole classes' eyes on him. Stay calm, it's fine, he told himself. "So what if you did?" he asked lazily, leaning back into his chair. The boy sniggered as whispers travelled around the class. "Oh, I was just wondering, I had a bet you see. I always thought you were bent." Dan shrugged his shoulders and said "Ok, enjoy your money." The belt went and he stood up, throwing his bag over his shoulder, and sauntered from the room.

Phil saw Dan saunter from the room, a bored look on his face, but there was something else that took Phil a few seconds to identify. It was discomfort. Phil stepped forward and Dan saw him, a smile breaking across his face "Hey you! Shouldn't you be in lessons?" Phil smiled at him and replied just as cheerily "I have a free hour, I've finished art. He stepped in a bit closer, pulling Dan into a hug. The corridors were still quite empty, so they hadn't caused a traffic jam. "You ok?" he whispered before pulling away. Dan smiled at him and said "Yeah, of course I am." He knew there was no point in lying to Phil though, so he sighed and told the truth. "Honestly, I am fine, it didn't bother me. Some kids in my form saw us this morning, but that was the point of this, to get it out in the open, so it's fine. I knew some people in the school would be idiots about it" he smiled again, trying to reassure Phil. Phil returned the smile and reached out, taking Dan's hand in his. "Allow me to walk you to your first appointment sir?" he asked in his best posh voice. Dan giggled and said "Shut up you goon!" before dragging him in the direction of his first lesson, ignoring the staring and the whispering.

Break that day passed in a happy, blessed out state. Dan and Phil wandered down empty corridors, hand in hand, talking about random things. Dan discovered he really liked saying "Placenta" at random times, partly because it sounded funny and partly because he loved Phil's innocently disgusted expression whenever he said it. Of course the 15 minutes passed quickly, and Dan and Phil had to go their separate ways.

Phil walked towards his health and social care class, remembering the cute expression of cheekiness on Dan's face whenever he was about to say that word. A voice shook him out of his reverie. "What you smiling about Lester?" Phil sighed locking eyes with Matt, the golden boy. The boy who was the favourite by all the teachers, and knew how to work it to his advantage. He was the boy who enjoyed beating people up for the hell of it, without a reason, so Phil's fate was sealed, because one of his mates was about to give him an excuse. The blonde boy, Phil didn't know his name, snickered before saying snidely "Probably his boyfriend!" Matt turned to face his mate, who continued "We saw him kissing some kid by the gate. He's in the secondary, dirty little perv." Phil just watched the exchange; there was nothing he could do. He wouldn't even try to run, he'd be caught, and then the beating would be worse. "Always thought you was a straight as a roundabout, never ticked you as a perv though." Matt said, glaring at him. "It isn't like that" Phil said sullenly "Unlike you, I don't bang 14 year olds." He'd landed himself in it now, but he found that he didn't care.

He was thrown onto the wall, his face being pushed into it. He felt blood starting to trickle down his face, but felt no pain. It was probably the adrenaline, he thought to himself. That meant he would hurt later. He smiled to himself, he was being beaten up and here he was thinking about adrenaline. "Why are you smiling? God, you really are a freak. Obviously you want more." All of a sudden he was lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. He felt feet connecting with his sides. Great, the others were joining in. One boot slammed into the side of his head, another stamped on his stomach. He didn't know how he did it, but somehow he managed to just lie there, not feeling anything, not even making a noise. The good part was that meant they got bored quickly, and wandered off laughing to each other. Phil lay there for a few minutes, adjusting. The whole thing had felt like a dream, but now the pain was creeping up on him, and it was feeling more and more real. He sat up, groaning quietly, and stayed like that for another minute, trying to catalogue his injuries. Blood was still trickling down his face from his nose, so something was definitely wrong there. He had the startings of a headache, but he wasn't dizzy or tired, so he wasn't concussed. There was a pain on both sides, like a dull ache. He also thought that he was probably going to have a few bruises on his stomach. He stood up slowly, wincing slightly at the pain it caused his sides, and limped towards the nearest bathroom.

He slowly cleaned away the last of the blood, and his nose wasn't even swollen, although it was tender, probably bruised, it definitely wasn't broken. It was a good thing that he'd done that basic first aid course as part of health and social care. He lifted up his shirt slightly, and realised the ferocity with which they must have kicked him. He didn't bruise easily, and by the time a bruise normally appeared he had completely forgotten how it came to be there. That was not the case now however, as his skin was already starting to discolour. He poked around his ribs gently, flinching at the pain, but everything felt stable. He was alright, just a lot of bruises. He leant against the sink for ten minutes, hoping the waves of pain were going to subside, but they didn't. They remained as bad as ever. They stopped coming in waves though, they just stayed. Constant pain, constant aching. That made it easier to adjust, easier to force it into the background. He sighed and walked out of the bathroom, trying not to let the pain show on his face, realising that he was just going to have to get on with it. The pain wasn't going to fade anytime soon.

Dan faced with his back to everyone, facing the wall, as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. It was fourth period, PE. He tried to ignore the whispering, the feeling of being watched. However, what wasn't as easy to ignore were the people barging into him on purpose. He pulled his T-shirt on over his head, already wearing his shorts. He turned around to leave the changing room as quickly as possible when one of the boys yelled "Sam, he's looking at you! The fags got a crush on you Sam!" Oh, Sam, the long ago bully, the one Phil had terrified. He was back to his old terrorising, ways, the nostalgia. Without even thinking Dan snorted and said under his breath "As if." Sam stepped forward and snarled "What did you say, gayboy?" Dan rolled his eyes. He was sick of people thinking they could walk all over him because of this! "Such an original insult. You looking to get your ass kicked again, cretin?" Sam looked slightly confused, probably didn't know what cretin meant. He was shocked out his confusion though, when one of his friends asked "What's he on about Sam?" Dan watched as panic crossed his face quickly, before he said "Nothing. He thinks he's tough." Dan felt bad for a moment, he pitied Sam. It must be difficult when the only way you had friends, the only way to earn respect, was to bully others. He decided to act as though Phil hadn't beat him up. It might make it easier anyway; maybe Sam would leave him alone.

Dan was too nice.

"Nothing" he muttered, trying to walk past Sam to leave the changing room. Suddenly he was thrown against the wall and two of Sam's mates were holding him there. He struggled half heartedly, already knowing he wouldn't be able to overpower them. Sam didn't waste any more time talking, maybe worried that Dan would use another 'big word' or that he would say something else about Phil beating him up. He went straight for Dan's mouth, a full on punch. "Have fun kissing your boyfriend now!" he taunted. Dan leant forward slightly, spitting a stream of blood out of his mouth. He looked up just in time to see another fist coming towards him. He leant his head back slightly and it missed its intended target, the side of his head. Instead it scraped his cheek, Sam's nail catching it. It scratched him, and Dan felt a faint trickle of blood down his cheek. He lost track of the punches and kicks after that. They just became one big blur of pain. Eventually the two boys dropped him, and he slid to the floor. Sam spat on him before walking out, and everyone followed.

Dan wiped the spit off his cheek with the back of his hand, and stood up slowly, leaning against the wall as he was overcome by dizziness. After a few seconds it passed and he stood up straight, wandering towards the bathroom that was attached to the changing rooms. He stood in front of the mirrors, looking at himself. He had a split lip that was trickling a little blood along with the scratch across his cheek. He rinsed his mouth out a few times until he was spitting it out clear and the taste of blood was gone from his mouth. He carefully probed around his mouth with his finger, worried that a tooth might be loose, but it was fine. The source of the blood was a deep cut on the inside of his cheek. He guessed that when Sam had punched him his tooth had scratched across his cheek or something. He didn't really care to be honest. He wiped the blood away from the scratch and the split lip, wincing slightly. The rest of him seemed alright, although he thought he'd probably have a few bruises. He sighed and got changed back into his normal clothes, deciding to skip PE today.

He couldn't believe he'd pitied that idiot.

He walked towards the giant oak tree outside, where he and Phil had agreed to meet at lunch. He really hoped Phil wasn't going to freak out when he saw him. He hated it when Phil got upset, and he really didn't want him upsetting himself about someone as pathetic as Sam.

Phil saw Dan sat on the floor, leaning against the oak tree. He really hoped that Dan wouldn't get angry. He didn't want Dan to try and take on Matt, he'd just end up hurt. He wandered over to the tree and sat down next to him, not looking at him. After a minute, they both turned to face each other; mouths open and looks of apprehension on their faces. Phil stared at the split lip, the scratch across his cheek, the faint start of a bruise across his cheekbone. Sam. He knew it. He was about to say something, but then he saw the look of worry in Dan's eyes. He didn't want Dan confronting Matt, and Dan obviously didn't want him confronting Sam. Instead he just pulled him into a tight hug, ignored the pain that told him his ribs were protesting.

Dan saw the yellowing bruise that covered Phil's nose, and he felt like he might be sick. Who had done this? Then it hit him. He didn't need to know. He and Phil were so alike, and if he didn't want him knowing it was Sam, he wouldn't want Dan knowing who had done this. He knew that it wasn't only his nose that was bruised by the way he hugged him. He was stiff, trying not to bend. He pulled away after a moment and whispered "We need to promise each other that if it gets bad, if we need the other persons help, we will tell them ok?" Phil smiled at him, understanding, and just wrapped his pinkie around Dan's before whispering "I promise." They sat like that, pinkies entwined for a while before Dan said "You show me everywhere you're hurt and I'll do the same." Of course, they both tried to down play it for each other. Phil smiled at him and said quietly "My nose, my ribs are a bit sore, and I have a little bit of bruising on my stomach." Dan frowned slightly and lifted his shirt a little. He saw a hint of the bruising that was there before Phil pulled his shirt down. Dan looked at him and whispered "Phil that looked really bad." Phil just shook his head, and motioned that it was Dan's turn to speak. "Um, my cheek, my lip, I have a small cut in my mouth, and a few bruises." Phil frowned slightly and asked "How on earth did you end up with a cut in your mouth?" he thought for a minute before gasping "He must have really whacked you one! Do you feel OK?" Dan sighed and chuckled slightly. Phil smiled at him and said quietly "Sorry, force of habit." Dan leant into him, snuggling into his chest before saying "I guess you're not hungry either" Phil replied "If I ate I'd probably puke." He laughed, and then clutched his ribs. "Laughing is not a good idea" he muttered.

The worst thing was that when they got home, it felt as though Dave no longer cared. He just glanced at them, saw the bruises on both of them and said half heartedly "Do you need me to ring the head teacher?" They both shook their heads, and he just shrugged his shoulders and walked off.

That had definitely been the worst day. Now things had died down, they were still teased mercilessly, but they could cope with that. That was Ok because they knew that this was right. They weren't beaten up everyday anymore. They were shoved and tripped in the corridors, but they coped. They laughed it off when they saw each other, because they both felt that their own suffering was worth it as long as they had each other. Neither of them asked for the others help, but they didn't lie to each other either. They didn't make out that everything was ok.

They loved not having to hide anymore, it was worth it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: The visitor**

Dan and Phil were sat in the garden when it happened. They were lying on the grass; Dan had his arm around Phil, who was snuggled into him resting his head on Dan's chest. They were just watching the sky, passing the time. It had been three months since Dan had arrived on the doorstep, and no matter what had happened since, he was happy that he had arrived. He was happy he'd given this place a chance. He felt sick imagining what life would be like if he hadn't. He'd be in some other care home, hating it. He would never have met Phil. He would never have wanted, as though people cared. He tightened his arm around Phil and whispered to him "Thank you" Phil chuckled slightly are replied "For what?" Dan grinned and said "Oh wow, this is going to sound really cheesy." Phil giggled and teased "Now I really have to hear this!" Dan sighed and said softly "Thank you Phillip Lester, for existing." Phil didn't reply, he just buried his head further into Dan's chest. Dan smiled, he knew Phil to well. He was trying to hide a blush. Now it was his turn to tease. "Happy now?" Phil chuckled slightly and Dan felt it vibrate through him, making him grin." Phil put on his high pitch girl voice and said "My kind sir, you are making me blush!"

A while later Dan heard the glass door that lead to the garden slide open, but he didn't think much of it. _It's probably just Lucy or Oliver coming out to play_ he thought to himself. He didn't care; he couldn't be bothered to move. He was happy where he was. He heard Dave call his name, he sounded urgent. Dan sat up slowly, his head clouded slightly. You know when you're just so relaxed, so comfortable, so happy, and you just can't find the energy to care? You feel like you're living in a dream and if your head clears you'll wake up and you just don't want to? He felt like that. He turned his head, sighing, to see Dave stood in the doorway. Even from where he was Dan could see the look of panic, of worry… of interest on his face. Stood next to him was a man, but Dan couldn't tell much about him from where he was. He just knew he didn't know him. He felt Phil sit up next to him, and heard him call out to Dave "What is it Dave?" but it all sounded so far away. Maybe this was the dream; maybe he would wake up to find himself still lying on the grass with Phil? No, that was stupid.

A weird feeling overcame him as he watched Dave and this strange man walk towards him. It felt as though his thinking was wrong, this man wasn't strange. He knew him, of course he knew him. But he didn't. Dan knew he had never seen this man in his life, but he still knew him. They stopped about a meter away from them and Dave cleared his throat slightly before saying "Err, Dan. This is…. Um, well this is Colin. He's uh, your dad."

_Your dad… _It echoed through his head, and his first thought was _I don't have a dad_ but of course he did. No, he didn't, not really. He had a father, not a dad. There was a difference. He had a father, someone who was biologically related to him. He didn't have a dad, someone who raised him, was there for him, someone who cared. He was snapped out of his reverie by talking.

"Hi son" the man said gruffly. Dan's first reaction was to tell this stranger he wasn't his son. You earn the right to have a son, Dan believed. You didn't just get one every time you impregnated someone. You couldn't just come and go as you pleased. You couldn't play with anyone like that, especially not a child. He decided not to voice this however. His mother had told him that his dad had left when he found out she was pregnant. He left because he was scared, because he wasn't ready for a kid. Maybe he had changed now, grown up. After all, it wasn't his fault that he hadn't seen Dan all these years. He had told social services not to contact him. He decided to give him a chance. He studied the man for a moment. He was balding, the little hair he had left was brown, but not like Dan's. It was dark, dull. He had watery, pale eyes, Dan wasn't sure what colour. He was pot bellied, wrinkled and his skin was blotchy.

"Right, well if you two would like to step away into the office so you can have a chat" Dan shook his head. This was weird enough without making it more formal by sitting in a room. Dave sighed and said "Ok. Well, I'll be going in then. Come find me if you need anything Dan." Dan just nodded and then glanced at Phil. He wasn't sure whether he wanted him to stay, to be there for him, or to leave him alone with this man, his father. The choice was made quickly when Phil smiled at him and said "I'll go play with Oliver and Lucy in the living room. See you later Dan" Dan smiled back. Phil walked away, and Dan panicked slightly. No, he needed to grow up, he needed to do this. He turned to face this man and said "Hey" quietly. They stood for a few more minutes in silence before this man, Colin? Spoke. "I'm sorry about your mum, she was a great woman." Dan nodded and replied quietly "Yes she was". The man, Dan couldn't even bring himself to think of him as Colin, coughed slightly. "God, I'm gasping for a fag. Do you think they'd mind?" Dan replied quickly "Yes, they would. You know, there are children here." The man chuckled slightly "That's right; you put me in my place. So, do you like it here" Dan nodded solemnly, but said nothing. The man stood for a while longer before saying "Why didn't you let the social workers contact me?" Dan shrugged his shoulders and said coolly "I didn't want to bother you." The man smiled slightly before saying "Well, I'm here because my girlfriend, her names Jane, I'm sure you'd like her, well, she wants a kid but can't have one. I figured because I already had you…" Dan interrupted quickly "You can't just take me you know." He didn't want this man to take him. He didn't even want him by the sound of things; it was this girlfriend of his. He talk as though Dan was of no importance, as though he was just something he 'had'. "Obviously" he said before changing the subject "So, how's school? What year you in anyway?" Dan replied uncaringly "it's all right, I'm in year 10. I haven't started my GCSE's yet, but their hoping I'll be able to by the end of this year. I missed a lot you know, moving so much." The man nodded, searching for another topic he thought a father and son would discuss. "So, you got many mates here?" Dan sighed "Three. You just saw one of them, Phil." The man nodded again, not seeming to worry about this lack of friends. "Any ladies on the go?" he asked curiously. The way he spoke about people disgusted him. Not 'are you dating?' or 'do you like anyone?' he spoke as though they were just things to be played with. Was that all his mum had been to this man, a woman on the go? Dan said casually "No. I don't have a girl on the go" The man grunted, one eyebrow raised. "I saw that, you may not be dating, but you like someone! Go on who is it? Do they live here? You cheek kid, they do! I can tell." Ugh. This man thought he knew him. Time for a culture shock. "Oh, I'm dating. Just not a lady. I've been dating Phil for a while now." The man fell silent and Dan waited for him to say something. The man looked genuinely confused "You are Howell, right? They haven't sent me to the wrong place?" Dan nodded "Yeah". The man shook his head and said "There's no way my son is gay." Dan started to walk away, back towards the house, and called over his shoulder "Well, maybe you should have brought me up."

He don't know why he said it, he didn't want this man to have brought him up. He was just looking for a way to hurt this man, to lash out. What had his mum been thinking? He walked into the living and approached Dave, who was sat on the sofa, and said calmly "I never want to see him again ok? Take him off my visitors list." Dave just nodded, watching him. An felt his heart jump as he realised that he was trying to figure out if he was having an episode. Did he really think that something, someone as insignificant as that small man would affect him so largely? He walked towards the stairs, towards his room without another word.

Phil watched Dan walk away and stood up quickly, moving to follow him. Dave put an arm in front of Phil to stop him and said quietly, voice low "Leave him alone for a bit Phil, ok?" Phil shook his head and replied calmly "No Dave. I know Dan, and I know the comfort he's going to need right now. He's going to want someone to talk to you. Honestly Dave, I just want whats best for him, and if I believed you were right I'd leave him alone. But you are wrong." Dave just dropped his arm, sighing, and Phil followed Dan up to his room.

Soon they were both sat on the bed, this time Phil's arm was around Dan. He was just sat there, staring into space, and Phil waited. Eventually Dan just sighed before saying "Well, he was a twat." Phil chuckled slightly before kissing Dan quickly on the head. "Good thing you're nothing like him then!" Dan smiled at him and whispered "You think so?" Phil stared at him in amazement before exclaiming "Is that what this is about? Dan, of course you are nothing like him! Would I be with you if you were?" Dan shook his head still smiling and said "That was a bit of it, yeah. I guess the other part of it was why the hell did my mum date him?" Phil giggled slightly and said "Why do you date me? I'm way below you. The awnser, my dear young friend, is love." Dan sighed and said "You are not below me. Even if it is love, I chose right and she chose wrong." Phil just pulled Dan into a hug and whispered to him "You never have to see him again". He felt Dan smile into his neck and he pulled away. "Too right. He really was disgusting. He talked about people like they were nothing." Phil smiled again and said "Definitely nothing like you. What's wrong, I can tell your still thinking about something." Dan wasn't looking at him completely, his eyes were unfocused. He thought for a minute before saying softly "It's not really a thought. It's just… I guess he was the last bit of family I had. He was the last tie I had to my mum, to my past." Phil pulled him into another hug, nuzzling into his hair. He thought for a moment before whispering "Maybe it's time we both stop thinking about our pasts."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17: Phil's mum **

Phil rolled around on the sofa, laughter bursting from him. Not just chuckles, not just giggles, complete, full hysterical laughter. Dan had stood in front of him, talking about going out later, when it happened.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to go look in the charity shops after lunch, I know how much you ARGH!" He cried out as Oliver and Lucy completed their plan. Phil had seen them sneaking up behind him, and was shocked that he'd actually managed to keep a straight face. The two kids had snuck up behind him slowly, cautiously, huge grins on their faces. When they were directly behind him Lucy quickly lifted up the back of Dan's shirt and almost simultaneously Oliver shoved the huge pack of ice underneath. It was well planned, well executed, and completely hilarious. It was made more hilarious by the look on Dan's face. His eyebrows had shot up eye, his eyes popping out of his head, his mouth open in the perfect 'O'. Phil tried to calm himself, but when he looked up to see Dan chasing them around the room, ice in hand, growling "Think that was funny, huh?" he lost it again.

Eventually Lucy and Oliver escaped, running from the room and Dan turned to face his boyfriend. His face was still bright red, cheeks wet from the tears he cried with his laughter. Dan just pouted slightly, distracted by the how uncomfortable the wet patch on the back of his shirt was. He chucked the ice pack to Phil, grinning, and said "Put that back in the freezer while I change my shirt!" Phil grinned back at him, standing up. Dan walked from the room and headed up the stairs, and Phil wandered into the kitchen. He decided to try and find the two younger kids, to congratulate them on their victory. He had a feeling they were probably in their new hiding place that only Dan and Phil knew about. They had discovered the empty broom cupboard at the end of 'Dave's corridor' as they called it. Phil walked towards it slowly and swung the door open, hoping to make them jump, but they weren't there. Huh, weird. He started walking back to the living room, but paused outside Dave's office. He could hear the buzz of his voice, but he couldn't make out what he was saying. He sounded worried, and then Phil heard his name. He stood, shocked for a few minutes, before he realised Dave had stopped talking. Why was Dave talking about him in the first place?

He heard a sigh from in the room and he decided he wasn't going to wait for Dave to come and find him. He knocked gently, weird enough in itself because Phil was used to just walking in. He heard a quiet invitation and he walked in, noticing the shock on Dave's face. "Oh, hi Phil. I was just coming to find you" Phil just nodded and sat in the chair opposite, waiting for Dave to continue. Dave sighed again, this time he was obviously trying to prepare himself. "I really don't know how to say this…" Phil smiled at this and said jokingly "Just say whatever it is, unless you're going to confess your undying love for me or something. Keep that to yourself." Him and Dave had always got on well, teased each other, much like brothers. Phil had always seen him like that, like an over protective brother or maybe even a father. He regretted saying it though, when he saw the look of sadness cross his face. He hated seeing Dave sad, because he knew how much effort the man put into being happy.

When they thought Phil's aversion to being touched may have been a sign of depression, Dave had decided to talk to him. He told him about how when he was a teenager he'd been abandoned. He turned to drugs, but when that didn't fix anything, he turned to self harm. He didn't cut himself, or starve himself. He just mentally abused himself. It wasn't your average "I'm fat, ugly and nobody will love me", the thoughts that everyone has about themselves time to time. It was a lot worse. Phil never knew the details; all he knew was that whatever it was it must have been bad, because it lead to a 2 year stay in a mental health institution. That's what had made Dave decide to become a care worker; he wanted to help others that felt like they were alone. He had told Phil he wanted to "prevent suffering, whether it is caused by others or yourself." He had to work hard for it, do a lot of mental health checks, and he still has regular inspections to check that he's capable. Dave is constantly happy because he's "trying to make up for all the time he spent being miserable". He always looked on the Brightside, thought happy thoughts, and all that stuff that Phil never believed actually helped until he met Dave. He hated seeing Dave sad because it brought to life the irrational fear inside himself that he might relapse. That was when Phil finally understood what had made Dave put him in the quiet room. No matter how much you tell yourself there's no way they're going to relapse, you still worry.

Dave tried to smile at the joke, but it was so obviously fake that Phil just shook his head at him. Dave stopped trying to smile and just continued in a dull voice "I just received a call from the authorities. Oh g… Phil, your mum's passed away. She died last night in the local hospital." He took a deep breath and continued "I'm sorry Phil, it was suicide." Phil stood up and left the room.

He saw Dan stood in the corridor outside, he wasn't sure how he knew he was in there but he didn't really care. He could already feel the tears streaming down his face, and he saw the look of shock and worry on his face. Phil wanted to stop, to let Dan hold him, but he couldn't. His feet kept moving and he just sobbed quietly "Please."

Dan turned to follow the crying Phil, trying not to let the tears behind his eyes escape. He hated seeing Phil like this, it hurt him. He didn't even know what was wrong, what had happened, but he didn't care. He suddenly found someone blocking his path, and he looked up to glare at Dave, but his expression softened when he saw that Dave had started to cry. "Dan, just give him time." He whispered hoarsely, but Dan just shook his head and said "He needs to know I'm here for him." He squeezed past the older man and started to run. He wasn't completely certain whether or not Phil wanted him, but Dan knew that even if he didn't, he would be there. He wouldn't force himself on him, but he would wait. He finally reached the older boys bedroom door, which was shut. He could hear sobbing from behind the door, and Dan sat on the floor. He sat facing the smooth wood and called out softly "I'm here when you need me, Phil. I'm not leaving."

Phil curled up in a ball on his bed, crying and crying, although he wasn't completely sure why. She hadn't come to visit him the whole time he'd been in care, she hadn't even called. The last time he'd seen her had been when she was slumped over a brandy in the kitchen and he was saying goodbye before going to his friends for the night. The last thing she said to him was "You were the mistake which ruined everything." Phil was used to it, used to being blamed. Why was he crying? She hadn't loved him. Maybe he had loved her? He didn't know. She'd killed herself and he wondered why. What had happened to lead up to it? Maybe it was his Dad, maybe he'd finally left her, moved onto a new, younger, better looking punching bag. She never had been able to cope when he left for days on end. Phil had ended up looking after her like a baby, and getting abused for it.

Eventually he stopped crying. He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself, to gather his thoughts. He didn't succeed, and he knew why. He couldn't work through anything on his own. He needed Dan. He took a deep breath to keep his voice steady, and called "I'm ready." Dan walked in quickly and sat next to Phil on the bed, putting his arms around him. Phil leant in, enjoying the comfort, the warmth. After a moment he sighed and said bluntly "My mum killed herself." Dan's arms tightened around Phil and he whispered "What do you need?" Phil smiled to himself, Dan knew him so well. No sorry, no 'it'll be fine after a while'. He knew it wouldn't make him feel better, he knew it would just come across as a lie. Phil whispered into his chest "Listen?" and he felt Dan breathe out "Of course."

Phil didn't know what he wanted Dan to listen to, but he felt better already knowing that someone was going to listen. "I don't know why I'm so upset" he said eventually and he continued after a few more minutes "I guess it's because I never got to sort anything out with her. I'm never going to know what the rest of her life was like, whether she ever thought about me, why she never came to visit. I'm never going to know if she actually loved me." Dan didn't say anything, just held him. Phil knew it meant that he didn't know. He would rather stay silent than lie, than say that she loved him. He just held him, and after a while Phil whispered into his chest "Thank you" and Dan replied immediately "Anytime."

It's incredible how quickly things can change. From laughter to tears to whatever this was. It's incredible how long it can take for you to realise something important. It's incredible how long you can go without thinking about someone, and it's incredible how quickly things you don't even know matter suddenly do.

It's incredible how suddenly you gain someone who never existed to you before, no matter how long they were there.

It's incredible how suddenly you can lose someone who you just always assumed would be there.

It's incredible how long it can take a person to realise that's what life is all about, the gain and the loss, the incredible things, the things that can go un-noticed for a long time.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18: The park **

They sat on the bench hand in hand, legs swinging backwards and forwards. Dan leant back, head tilted up slightly. He loved the care home, it was great, but staying in the same place, with the same people, with the same routine can get a bit suffocating. Especially when people are constantly whispering and staring. He liked escaping into the outside world with Phil every now and then. He liked the feeling of the cool air on his skin and he liked the calmness of the park. He felt like he could breathe here, be himself completely without getting angry and defensive. Phil was watching him as he stared up at the sky, smiling. Phil loved seeing him outside, when he was completely relaxed and happy. This was the true Dan, funny and caring and honest. He would turn to Phil and come out with random, sweet, even poetic things. Earlier he'd stopped watching the branches sway slightly in the trees and asked him simply "Have you ever liked the wrong person?" Phil had just raised his eyebrows and then said "Yeah, some girl in like, year 10?" Dan smiled and said "Did it upset you when you broke up?" Phil sighed and said "I guess, a little bit. It doesn't bother me now though. Why?" Dan just snuggled into Phil's chest and said "It's ok. If you didn't fall in the love with the wrong person every now and then, how would you learn to truly appreciate the right person?"

Phil squeezed Dan's hand slightly and said "I can't believe it's been a whole four months since you first arrived" Dan turned his head and grinned, his dimples causing Phil's head to flutter. "It's a good thing I decided to give the place a chance!" Phil leant forwards and pecked him quickly on the forehead before replying happily "Sure is!" They fell back into their companionable silence and Dan went back to staring into the tree branches, sighing contentedly. Phil watched as some kids, roughly Dan's age, maybe a bit older, wandered into view. He thought he caught a glimpse of someone from their school, but brushed it off quickly. Nobody from their school came here, they normally 'hung out' or as Phil put it, got off their faces, at the city centre. He leant back into the bench, relaxing.

Dan saw someone walking in their direction out of the corner of his eye, and he turned to look. It was starting to get dark, and he couldn't really work out who it was. He shrugged his shoulders slightly; he probably didn't even know them. He still watched them however, un willing to look away. The boy came within a few feet of them, and then called out, and Dan recognised the voice. "Alright? Dan wasn't it?" Dan sat up a bit straighter and smiled slightly before saying "Yup, you're Owen right?" The boy chuckled, walking a bit closer and replied "Yeah, you remember me!"

Of course Dan remembered him, he was from care home number… 9? He paused for a moment, thinking. Yeah, it was Ramden gate. Dan had hated it there of course, got moved for running away. He couldn't forget Owen either, he was another Sam. He didn't hit people, but somehow that made it worse. You felt like you were weak, because he wasn't physically hurting you. You had no proof either, just your word, not that Dan had ever told. It was the same everywhere, you don't rat people out. This was back when Dan actually went through the whole 'coming out' process before giving up on it entirely. Owen had been bad before that, but he got worse after. Before it was stuff that Dan could cope with because it wasn't personal. Nobody knew why Dan was there, so he couldn't really do anything to hurt him. It was just the generic 'your parents don't want you' which was utter bullshit in Dan's case. He didn't care about his dad and his mum had loved him. F course there was the 'nobody loves you, you're worthless, kill yourself' which hurt a bit more, but Dan could cope.

After though, it got worse. Things like 'no wonder you're here, your parents must hate their faggot son'. Maybe he was right, maybe his mum would hate him if she could see him. He was worthless, he always knew that. Then there was 'you're going to be alone for the rest of your life' which scared him. He hated being alone, he couldn't bear the idea of living like he was for the rest of his life. This idiot had him believing he was nothing, he would never amount to anything, he'd be better off dead and that things were never going to get better, something he had clung to. Now here he was acting as though they were old friends.

"Yeah, you remember me!" Phil felt Dan stiffen next to him, and he observed this boy. He was obviously someone from Dan's past, and Phil thought it was safe to say Dan didn't like him. He felt Dan's hand tremble in his ever so slightly, and Phil realised it wasn't just that he didn't like this kid, but he had been hurt by him. Dan seemed to recover quickly though, and he replied "Yeah, Ramden gate." The guy nodded and said quickly "Yeah, it still sucks. You ran away and they sent you to… ash something?" Dan nodded "Ashbrook, yeah." The kid smiled, taking another step forward. It didn't seem friendly though, more threatening. "How is it?" he asked, obviously not very interested and Dan replied, just as un interested, although Phil could still feel him trembling, "It was just as bad as Ram, I've been to a few since there though." The boy shrugged and turned suddenly to Phil before asking "What's your name?" Phil replied quickly, happy to hear his voice sounded normal "Phil." The kid shrugged again and opened his mouth to say something else, when his eyes connected with their intertwined hands. "Well Howell, what do we have here? Did you actually manage to persuade someone that you were worth the oxygen?" Dan flinched as though he had been hit, and looked at the floor. Phil glared at the boy, gave Dan's hand a reassuring squeeze and said calmly "Well it was nice to meet you Owen. You can go now." The boy sniggered and through a smirk in Phil's direction before turning back to Dan. "You never could stand up for yourself. I came over for a reason though." He gestured to the group of teenagers who Phil suddenly noticed were watching them. He continued "See, my friends say you've been giving them some trouble at school." Dan looked at Owen, but kept his eyes slightly averted and said "They've got it wrong. They've been causing us the trouble." He hoped his voice would sound normal, but it came out weak, quiet and tired. He couldn't believe that just the memory of Owen had done this to him.

He smirked and without removing his eyes from the two of them he called "Hey guys, come on over, I want you to meet my friend." Dan jerked again slightly. He was not this idiot's friend. Soon though, he was surrounded by his friends, and Dan started to panic. He couldn't have taken Owen in a fight, never mind Owen and the 6 friends that surrounded him. This wasn't school, he couldn't escape by hoping a teacher was going to come along, or he could escape at the end of a class. He didn't know what they were going to do, and he was scared. Owen watched him, and Dan didn't doubt that all of this was showing on his face. He stood up quickly, hanging onto the slim chance that they might be able to run for it. Phil stood next to him, and Dan felt a little better. Phil was here. Then, suddenly, he felt sick. _Phil was here. _What if they hurt Phil?

Phil watched as panic, pure terror, crossed the younger boys face. That was when it hit him. Dan was 14 for gods sake! He'd already gone through far too much in his 14 years of life, and now he was having to deal with idiots like this. Nobody, especially not a 14 year old, should have to cope with this. He was amazed, inspired. Dan hadn't broken, hadn't let it get to him. He hadn't become turned twisted and bitter like many other people would have. He had matured, grown wise beyond his years. People say that bullies have probably been bullied themselves, and that's why they do it. Dan had suffered so much more, and he was so much better. He was perfect, and he wasn't going to let these people, or anyone else, ruin it.

"You got anything to say? We all know what's coming." Dan swallowed, and Phil squeezed his hand. He didn't know what to do, but he wasn't going to let Dan go through this on his own. Suddenly, one of the other boys launched at Dan, tackling him to the ground. Phil hadn't been expecting it, he thought Owen would make the first move, but he had just stepped back to watch. This angered Phil, he wouldn't even do his own dirty work! Phil quickly pulled the boy off Dan and pulled him up. Before he could say anything, he saw, as almost in slow motion, a fist swung towards Dan. He did all he could think to do, he stepped in front of it.

Dan watched as the fist connected with Phil's cheek, heard a sickening crack and watched as he fell to the floor, clutching his door. He remained silent, and that worried Dan. He watched, frozen, wanting to do something but not knowing how, as the ape like boy raised Phil's head by the hair and slammed it back down on the edge of the bench. He let go, and Phil's head fell to the floor with a dull clunk. He didn't move, his arms fell to his side limp. Dan suddenly came to life, and screeched loudly, voice twisting with pain "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" They turned back to Dan, and one of them laughed. "I guess you don't like waiting. Well don't worry; it's your turn now." Yes, his turn. That was good, they would leave Phil alone. There was only one thing Dan knew to do in this situation, and that was to not fight back. They got bored quicker if you didn't fight back. He was on the floor, and his face was repeatedly meeting the concrete. The only thing he did was force himself to remain conscious. He couldn't risk falling asleep, Phil was in no state to be left alone. He stayed aware the only way he could think of, by focusing on the pain. He focused on the pain, not allowing himself to fall asleep, no matter how much he wanted to. Eventually they left his head alone. He felt pain flower in his stomach as boots connected with it. He concentrated on each burst of pain, until eventually, he heard them walk away. He lay there for a few minutes, feeling woozy, and then sat up.

He didn't feel anything anymore, but he didn't really notice. He was too busy looking at Phil, watching as blood pooled from under his head.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19: Please don't leave **

Dan ran over quickly, instincts taking over. He knelt down next to Phil, ignoring the blood seeping through his clothes. The boy was even paler than usual, he looked completely white. It contrasted sickly with his dark hair which was sticky with blood. His eyes were closed, and he looked almost peaceful. Dan took a deep breath through his mouth, not wanting to smell the blood, and then examined the wound. Phil's hair had fallen back, showing the large, deep gash across his forehead, still oozing blood. Dan ripped off his shirt quickly, bunching it up and pressing it hard to the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. He didn't know what to do, they were about 10 minutes away from the care home, but he didn't want to leave Phil alone.

Idiot, your phone! He pulled it out of his pocket quickly, but it wouldn't turn on. Whether it had just ran out of battery or it had broken in the fight, he didn't know. He searched through Phil's pockets quickly, but he couldn't find his phone either. "Shit!" he muttered under his breath, and then felt something wet on his hand. He glanced back up and saw that the t-shirt was already soaked with blood. He pushed down harder, knowing he had to get the bleeding to stop. He was scared of hurting Phil, but he knew it would be better that he hurt him and didn't bleed to death on the concrete. "Help! Somebody please help!" He called weakly, desperately, but nobody came. There wasn't anyone around; otherwise they would have come to the boy's aid when the fight started. Or maybe they wouldn't have. He didn't know what to do, Phil was the one who was good in an emergency, he'd know how to look after someone in this situation. Why couldn't it have been Dan? He did the only thing he could think to do. He begged, he cried, he hoped.

"Phil, please don't leave me alone. Please, not after everything we've been through. I'm so sorry for dragging you into this; if I hadn't arrived on the doorstep you'd be fine. I just ruin everything! Please Phil, you're strong, you can get through this. Why couldn't it be me? If I died it wouldn't matter. Oh god Phil, please don't die" his voice broke and his small frame shook with his sobs. He knew he couldn't do anything without Phil anymore; he'd got so use to him being there, helping him. He remembered what he'd said to Phil earlier, about appreciating the right person. Why hadn't he appreciated Phil properly? Why hadn't he told him how much he meant to him? Now it might be too late. "Please Phil" he whimpered. "You mean so much to me, you're my world. You make me so happy, and I hope I do the same for you. You have so much to live for Phil, you're getting out soon. You have to live so you can prove everyone wrong, remember? You said you wanted to make something of yourself, you wanted to prove that 'care home kids' deserved a chance. We were going to do it together! Please Phil…" his voice trailed off as he gave up.

He gave up because he was worthless, and weak and there was nothing he could do, because he was stupid and cursed. He gave up because if Phil was dying, then so was Dan. He gave up because he realised that he wanted his last moments with Phil to be happy and carefree. He didn't want Phil to die with Dan bent over him, crying and begging. He leant forward and placed his head on Phil chest, listening to his heart beat. He knew that soon it was going to stop, and he just wanted to be there, comforting him when it did. He wanted it to be as peaceful as possible. Phil wasn't alone, and that was the most important thing. He found himself thinking about Phil meeting his mum again in whatever was after your heart stopped beating. He imagined them hugging, making up for all the lost years, and he smiled slightly. Phil's talent for always looking on the bright side seemed to have rubbed off on him. He felt a few more tears leak out of his eyes and slip onto Phil's shirt. Then he heard a week voice.

"Dan?" Phil whispered, eyes fluttering open. Dan sat up quickly and words rushed out of his mouth "Oh god Phil, are you ok? I didn't know what to do and I tried to stop the bleeding but it wouldn't and I was so sad and I thought you were going to die!" Phil smiled weakly and said quietly "I don't know if I'm ok." He groaned and said "My head hurts…" Dan quickly felt the panic overwhelm him again and he said quickly, voice strained "Phil, tell me what to do!". Phil stayed silent for a minute and then spoke, his horror and panic finally starting to break through into his voice "Dan, where are we? What happened?" Dan felt his heart hit the floor and he said uncertainly "Don't you remember?" Phil shook his head and then winced. Dan held back the tears that were threatening to overflow and said "Don't move, ok? We're at the park, some idiots started beating me up and you tried to…. tried to protect me. You have a lot of injuries, I think… you have a huge cut on your forehead, but I think it's finally stopped bleeding." Phil bit his lip and said quietly, desperately, his horror now clear in his voice "Dan… I'm scared." Dan took his hand as said, in what he hoped was a reassuring tone, but it just sounded worried to himself, "Don't be scared. I'm sure your memory will come back, maybe it's the shock?" this was utter lies and he knew it, but he continued "Maybe we should get you back home? Dave will know what to do. Do you think you can walk?" Phil nodded weakly, knowing he didn't have much choice.

Dan helped him stand, and already he could see how Phil's legs were shaking, barely able to support his weight. Dan quickly wrapped an arm around Phil, pulling him to his side to support him. He noticed that this small movement had re-opened the cut on Phil's forehead and it started to bleed again. He leant Phil against the nearest tree and quickly wrapped the already blood soaked t-shirt around his head and tied it tightly. He wrapped his arm around him again and started to walk slowly, trying not to cause Phil anymore pain. He saw him wince anyway, and Dan suddenly had a bad feeling that Phil was seriously hurt on the inside, where Dan couldn't see, and that moving might make it worse. He couldn't think of anything else to do though, so he just tried to make sure that he didn't jostle Phil too much.

They were out of the park and walking along a deserted street when Phil finally had to stop for a few minutes. Dan took this opportunity to check through his own injuries. He gently prodded his stomach, and winced. Yeah, that was definitely bruised. He decided not to look right now, not wanting to worry Phil. Dan knew he was in a much worse state than he was. He had lost consciousness, and the serious suddenly hit Dan. He heard of people suffering serious brain damage a while after waking up. Shit! Phil had already lost his memory. This wasn't like the other fights they'd gotten into, this was serious. He needed to get Phil back. He took a breath through his nose, and winced. _That fucking hurt_ the thought to himself, but didn't say anything. He knew what Phil was like; he'd be more worried about Dan. He couldn't shake the feeling that Phil was in serious danger and he said worriedly "Phil? Are you ready to carry on?" He watched as the older boy nodded weakly, and he suddenly felt sick. He was so exhausted he could barely manage that small movement. Dan set of again, and eventually they reached the path that led up to the building, and Dan was practically dragging Phil. The older boys head had drooped, and Dan found himself whispering "Please don't fall asleep Phil."

He dragged his partner up the stairs, strangely reminding himself of when he first arrived. Only this time, the dead weight was not that of his suitcase, but of his injured companion. He banged on the door loudly with his free hand, and yelled "OPEN UP!" desperation taking over. After what felt like an eternity but was less than a minute Zeena opened the door. She took one look at them both and ran, yelling at the top of her lung "Dave! Dave hurry up, Dan and Phil need help!"

Phil faintly heard Zeena yelling, and he tried to concentrate. Everything had drifted so far away now, it had all become so dull, and he couldn't bring himself back. He didn't want to. In this in-between place he could still feel the warm comfort of Dan next to him, but he couldn't feel the pain. He found himself drifting further, and all he could think to himself was 'good old Zeena, always willing to talk when it's needed.'

Dan leant against the door frame, trying to support the weight of Phil and not let his own exhaustion take over. It was tempting now they were back, now there were others to help, but he couldn't. He watched as Dave ran in, saw the boys, and turned back to Zeena and demanded quickly "Get Sarah, tell her to bring the car keys. Harry and Sonia will have to look after you lot." Zeena nodded and ran again and Dave walked over and took Phil away. "No!" Dan found himself saying, panicked. "No, he needs me to look after him." Dave smiled at him and whispered quietly "You've done a good job Dan, but now I'll take over."

Suddenly they were in a car and the engine was roaring as Sarah drove as quickly as she could. Dan couldn't remember getting in the car, but he found that he didn't really care. Dave was sat next to him, supporting a now completely unconscious Phil. Dave turned to face Dan, and in a voice that was obviously meant to be calm said "Tell me what happened." He didn't sound calm though, he sounded panicked, guilty and maybe even a little frightened. Dan knew that Dave needed to know, and that many others would also need to know, so he might as well get it over with. "Me and Phil were at the park and a boy from one of my old care homes was there with a bunch of others, I think some of them were from my school…" his voice drifted as he realised the faces had become fuzzy. Dave coughed to get his attention and he carried on "The boy from my old care home, he started talking to us. I can't remember exactly, I think he said something horrible to me and Phil stood up for me. He called his friends over and they started beating me up." Tears welled his eyes as he remembered what had happened next, how Phil had tried to help him. "Phil stepped in front of one of them, trying to… trying to protect me." He took a deep breath, knowing he had to be exact here. They would need to know exactly what had happened to Phil. "They punched him across the face, and he fell to the floor. They picked him up by the… by the hair and they slammed his head down on the bench. They let go and his head hit the concrete. I was frozen" he had started to cry now, sobs distorting his voice "I couldn't do anything. I was frozen, I was scared. It was all my fault! He was trying to protect me, and I couldn't even do the same for him!" Dave reached forward and squeezed Dan's shoulder before saying quietly "It was not your fault Dan, you did your best. What happened after?" Dan sighed and said "They beat me up a bit" but he stopped when Dave gave him a look, obviously looking for details. Dan couldn't see why, his injuries weren't important, but he back tracked anyway. "They um, they tackled me to the floor I think, and they banged my head on the floor a few times. They kicked and punched me a bit, and then they left. I got up and I saw… the blood coming from Phil's head. He was asleep and I didn't know what to do. I just, I didn't…. he woke up and we had to walk back because there was nobody there and Phil didn't have his phone and mine wouldn't work and…" he stopped and watched as a tear slipped down Dave's cheek. He was crying.

"I knew I should have contacted your school" he mumbled, more to himself than anyone else. Dan shook his head quickly, ignoring the pain that shot through his nose. "This wasn't your fault either Dave. The kid who started it wasn't even from our school." Dave just nodded and Dan tried to distract him with the question that was niggling in the back of his mind. "Dave? Should we let him sleep, or is that kind of dangerous?" Dave took a deep breath and said quietly "He shouldn't really sleep when he's had a head injury but… I can't wake him up."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N Thanks for reading this so far guys! I never realised how long this was going to be, and we still have a way to go yet, so thanks! I had to go out and socialise today, and it helped me come to the conclusion that I was definitely created for internetting and not socialising! I am like a socially awkward llama, so it's no wonder I update so regularly! Hope you guys continue to enjoy this, and free internet cupcakes for you all! **

**Chapter 20: The hospital **

It felt like they had been driving for an eternity when it had actually been less than 10 minutes. Phil was still dead to the…. He was still out of it, and Dave was supporting his head trying to make sure he didn't move. No-one was sure what sort of damage had been done, but we figured it couldn't make anything worse. He was also putting pressure on Phil's cut, which was still bleeding but at a much slower rate. This meant Dave had no free hands, so Dan had to call the hospital to let them know they were coming.

"Hello?" a female voice on the other end of the line said, almost questioning. Dan replied quickly with "Hi, I'm calling to let you know about two males that will be arriving shortly." He didn't know where the formality had come from, but he was grateful for it. Now really was not the time to be stumbling over his words. "What's the emergency?" the voice asked briskly, and he heard typing in the background. "Two teenagers suffered from an assault, I'm aware but the other one is unconscious." Dan's voice cracked slightly as he was forced to think about how serious the situation was. "Ok, what are your names, ages and injuries?" Dan took a deep breath and reeled off "I'm Daniel Howell, I'm 14 and I just have a few bruises and my nose is sore." He was actually pretty sure it was broken but he tried to brush it off. He needed them to focus on Phil. "The other boy is Phillip Lester, he's 18 and he has a deep cut on his forehead, I think he has a lot of bruises and cuts as well. He…. He can't… he can't remember anything." His brave demeanour broke, and he found that he was still a scared, stupid little kid he wanted comforting. He tried to reign himself back in. _Stop being selfish _he told himself _if anyone needs comforting, it's Phil. _He heard more typing on the other end of the phone for a few seconds before the voice said "I need to confirm your records. You're both members of Greenridge children's home?" Dan replied quickly "Yeah that's us." The woman continued speaking and asked "How long do you think you're going to be?" Dan repeated the question to Sarah, and he replied quickly to the woman "About 8 minutes?" She replied quickly "Ok, we will have a team waiting for you. Come straight to the front desk when you arrive" she hung up.

Soon they were there, and Sarah let them out before finding a place to park, promising to find them in there. Somehow Dave and Dan managed to support Phil between them and dragged him to the front desk. The woman glanced up and asked quickly "Daniel Howell and Phil Lester?" Dave nodded quickly and she called loudly "Daisy, they're here!" A young woman rushed around the corner, pushing a wheelchair, which Dave and Dan quickly eased Phil into. She started wheeling him down the corridor, and Dan and Dave started to follow, when Dan felt someone grab his arm. He turned to see a dark haired male who said "Come on, I need to treat you separately." Dan pulled his arm away quickly and replied "I'm NOT leaving him." He was determined and he continued quickly "If you want to treat me, you'll have to do it with him." The man sighed and Dave said quickly "Dan, go with him. I'm come find you when there's news." Dan just shook his head and followed Phil without another word.

He winced as the man prodded his nose. He was in Phil's room, and it had been about half an hour since they had arrived. Dave and Sarah were sat on one side of the room, and Dan was sat on the other. He was sat close to Phil's bed, holding the older boys hand. He was still asleep, and they hadn't heard much yet. The man had come in and tried to persuade Dan to come to another room, but had eventually given up and agreed to treat him there. He murmured under his breath for a moment and then said "I'm going to have to have a closer look at that. Let's sort out the rest of you first though." Dan smiled slightly and replied "Thanks." Before he could stop himself he continued "Do you know what's wrong with Phil? Is he going to be alright?" The man glanced over at the still unconscious Phil and said "I'm not treating him, but I'm sure he'll be ok." This is what Dan hated, people lying. They lied, thinking it would make people feel better, but when they were wrong, it just made it hurt more. Dan was frustrated, he didn't understand why people were looking after him more than Phil. Phil needed the care, Dan was fine. The man lifted his shirt and Dan caught him wincing. He sighed and said jokingly "That bad huh?" the doctor just nodded, grinning and replied "You've been through the wars." Dan glanced down and realised that the pain he had been feeling was nothing compared to how it looked. His whole stomach was purple; there wasn't a patch of clear skin. It got better towards his ribs, where there were just a few yellow bruises. The man prodded around his ribs for a moment and concluded quietly "Not broken." Then he took his stethoscope and placed it on Dan's stomach and he flinched at the coldness. After a minute though, the coolness actually started to feel good on his aching skin. After a minute the man pulled away and smiled before saying "You've been lucky, there's no internal bleeding. I wish I could say the same about your nose, it's broken." Dan nodded, he had suspected as much. He asked quickly "What do you have to do?" the man replied quickly, a grimace on his face "I'm sorry to say it won't be pleasant. We have to set it back into the right position. I can give you some painkillers and do it here, or I can give you some proper anaesthetic and do it while you're under in a different room. Dan shook his head and replied quickly "It's fine here." After all, how bad could it be.

The man was soon back with a needle, and Dan tried his best not to look. He'd always hated injections, especially after his mum was taken into the hospital. He remembered watching as they gave her all those injections, the panic in her eyes. He swallowed and when he felt it pierce his skin, he flinched slightly. He felt a bit sick. They had to wait for another half an hour for the pain killer to take effect, and then they were ready. The man placed a hand both side of his nose and looked into Dan's eyes. "Ready?" he asked, but before Dan could awnser he had already pushed his nose to the side. The pain was excruciating and Dan heard himself scream from far away. It hurt more than breaking it. It felt as though someone had taken a hammer to all his nerve endings. Pain burst across his face, but it stopped quickly. The man smiled at him and said quietly "I hate that. You need to make sure you don't touch it, and don't run into any walls or anything ok? It needs time to heal." Dan grinned slightly and then winced at the pain that flashed through his nose again. "I try not to make a habit of running into walls" he said quietly.

The man left after gently taping a bandage to Dan's face and giving Dave a prescription for some strong painkillers. He turned back to Phil and smiled to himself, how had he slept through the racket he'd been making? He wished he hadn't, he just wanted him to wake up. A while later, although Dan wasn't sure how long they'd been there, and woman walked in. She introduced herself as Dr Nash and told them that she was going to be Phil's doctor. Dan listened to her as she explained "He's lost a lot of blood from the wound on his head and smaller wounds on the back of his skull. We've run a few tests and he seems to be functioning well on his own, and internally he seems fine. He's fractured his jaw in three places, but that should be fine, we'll give him some strong pain killers. His going to have a lot of bruises, but I think he's going to be fine." She smiled at them, and Dan felt a huge relief flow through him. Dave opened his mouth to speak but he didn't get the chance, Dan spoke quickly "Why couldn't he remember anything?" the woman bit her lip slightly and said "We think it was just short term memory loss from the shock and adrenaline, but we won't know for sure until he wakes up." Dan asked another question quickly "When will he wake up?" The woman carried on biting her lip, and said slowly "We're not completely sure, but it shouldn't be long."

Dan didn't pay attention to anything else, one thought just echoed through his mind.

_Soon. His Phil would be awake soon. _


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21: Waking up **

"Come on Dan" Dave said tiredly, and Dan snapped his head up to face him. They'd been in the hospital for a long time now, Dan wasn't sure how long. He'd just sat there, holding Phil's hand in his, and waiting. He watched his face, looking for any sign that he was waking up, the movement of an eye behind the lid, a twitch in his face. So far there had been nothing, but that was ok. Phil's hand was warm in his, and Dan was sure that everything was going to ok. The doctor came in every few hours to check on them and to make sure there were no changes in Phil's condition. Last time she came she placed some small pads over him, and after a few minutes of watching a monitor, told them that he was close to waking. Dan said quickly "What?" and Dave stopped walking towards the door. "You need to come back. You haven't slept for two days." Was that how long they'd been here? It didn't feel like it. Dave and Sarah had left now and then to go check how Sonia and Harry had been coping, but Dan thought they were just being cautious. Two days. "I'm not leaving." He said, determined, and Dave shook his head. "You need to sleep Dan. You need to get changed, and you're missing school." Dan shook his head in shock and replied "You really think I'm going to go to school with Phil in the hospital? I'm not leaving him." Dave became angry, and Dan almost wanted to leave. He'd never seen Dave angry before. He wasn't sure whether it was just because Dave was tired, or worried, but he was angry. "Dan!" he exclaimed and continued "You are going home. Now." Dan knew that no matter how angry Dave got, he couldn't leave. He needed to be here when Phil woke up. He just shook his head at Dave, and his eyes widened. He opened his mouth to speak, but a timid voice from the corner interrupted him. "Dave, just go. If he wants to stay, let him. Just bring some clothes and stuff with you when you come back" Sarah said, looking at the floor. Dave glanced over and opened his mouth again, as though he was going to shout, but then he shut it and shook his head with defeat. He walked out quickly.

Dan glanced over at Sarah and whispered a quick "Thanks" before going back to watching Phil. He squeezed his hand gently, hoping for a response, but got nothing. He couldn't believe that Dave had thought he would just go back, go to sleep and go to school while Phil was in such as state! He tried to stay calm, focusing on the fact he didn't have to leave. Phil would wake up soon, and everything would be fine.

After a few hours Sarah stood up quickly, making Dan jump. He stared at her, and she seemed to remember that she wasn't the only person in the room. Dan understood. It had been so quiet; they had just been sat in silence. The only noises were the steady beat of Phil's heart monitor and the squeaking of shoes as people walked past the room. Dan had been so engrossed in the silence and in watching Phil that he'd forgotten Sarah was there. She nodded in apology and said quietly "Um, I'm going to go find the doctor and see if there's any more news. I'll go find us some food as well." Dan opened his mouth to tell her he wasn't hungry but she continued quickly "I don't really want anything to eat either, but we have to have something. Neither of us have eaten since yesterday." Dan just nodded and turned to look back at Phil.

He heard the click of the door closing, and he released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He watched Phil for a few more moments, willing him to open his eyes. He wanted Phil to wake up, but a small part of him was scared about what might happen when he did. What if he still couldn't remember anything? What if he'd gotten worse? He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind. He remembered the doctor telling them that he might be able to hear them, and he coughed slightly. "Erm… Hi Phil." Hi. Hi. What was he saying hi for? God he was so stupid. He chuckled to himself thinking about was probably running through Phil's mind if he could hear him. Probably something about Dan and his social awkwardness. "That made me sound stupid didn't it? Oh well, if anyone hears me they'll think I'm stupid anyway, talking to myself. You better hurry up and wake up and talk back, or when you wake up you might find me locked in the mental health ward." He took a deep breath and continued "Please wake up Phil. Even if you can't remember anything, we'll get through it. I just need you to wake up, to know you're ok. This is all my fault isn't it? I wanted to go to the park. I didn't help you quick enough. I just stood there while… while.. they. Oh Phil, why did you have to jump in? They might have left you alone."

Everything was black, but it wasn't flat. It almost seemed to swirl, as though the darkness had different depths. Phil felt quite ill watching it, as though he was being spun round quickly. Everything seemed distorted, strange. Then he heard a voice, reaching out through the darkness. It sounded strange at first, pitch and volume distorting, constantly changing. It settled down after a few moments though and Phil recognised it quickly. Dan. Suddenly, everything came flooding back to him. He watched as the scene played out in front of him, around him, taking up the darkness. He watched as someone tackled Dan and he pulled him off. He was watching as though he was a passerby, not from his own perspective. Watching him get his head slammed against the bench was surreal, like an out of body experience. Suddenly everything went black again, and he could just hear Dan's voice. It felt as though it was pulling him, pushing him, calling him. Everything was becoming brighter as he listened to the voice. He suddenly thought to himself _I better not be dying. If I die Dan will kill me. _He couldn't even bring himself to laugh at his internal joke, he was too worried. What would Dan's life be like if he died? Could the young boy take losing someone else?

He found himself relaxing anyway as he listened to the voice, unable to stop it from pulling him in. "I just need you to wake up, to know you're ok." Phil called out into the darkness that he was ok, that he didn't need to worry, that he missed him. The voice didn't change though, Dan couldn't hear him. Phil hated that Dan was worrying about him. The voice continued "This is all my fault isn't it? I wanted to go to the park. I didn't help you quick enough. I just stood there while… while.. they. Oh Phil, why did you have to jump in? They might have left you alone." Phil suddenly felt anger surge through him. How could Dan blame himself? He had done nothing wrong! How could he think that Phil would have done anything else? Of course he was going to help! He wouldn't have just left Dan! As the anger rushed through him, everything got brighter still. It suddenly felt as though a huge, pressing weight had been lifted off his body, and he knew he was awake. He could move, he could talk. A part of him didn't want to though; he didn't want to face the world again. Then he felt a hand squeeze his, and he opened his eyes.

"Dan?" he croaked out, and Dan jumped back, ripping his hand from Phil's. He stood there for a few seconds, heart pounding, breathing heavy. Eventually he managed to get out "Phil! You're awake." The boy lying in the hospital bed chuckled slightly, but he could see the pain in his eyes. Dan's first thought was that his head was hurting, but then he realised. He was across the room, and he had ripped his hand from Phil's. How must that have looked to him? He couldn't bring himself to walk back over though; he knew that once Phil understood, he'd no longer want anything to do with him. He whispered quietly "Do you remember everything?" The dark haired boy just nodded, and Dan sighed with relief. His memory was fine. He leant against the wall and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. Phil was fine. He was going to hate Dan, but at least he was fine. He knew he was going to have to say something, and he decided to dive straight in. He didn't want Sarah to walk in, so he spoke quickly and quietly. "I'm so sorry Phil. I know that doesn't fix anything, and I know that you can never forgive me, but I am so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. You were happy before I came along, and I've ruined everything. Look at what I've put you through! You're in hospital because of me! If I hadn't existed, you wouldn't be here. If I hadn't made you go out, you wouldn't be here. If I hadn't been such an idiot, if I'd helped you, you'd be fine. This is all my fault…" before he could continue, he was interrupted by Phil shouting.

God, the boy was an idiot. It was his nature to blame things on himself, even if it wasn't his fault. He couldn't bare the idea that Dan was blaming himself though. He had to stop him. "DAN! LISTEN TO ME!" he realised he was shouting, and he took a quick breath. He spoke again, keeping his voice quiet, worried Dan might think he was angry. "Look Dan. Stop blaming yourself, alright? It just makes things worse. It wasn't your fault. I didn't know the meaning of happy before I met you ok? So all this is worth it. Sure, I wish it didn't happen, but there's nothing you could have done about it. I'd go through it all again in a heartbeat, and I wouldn't change a thing. I'd still step in to help you" he shot a quick glare over at the younger boy before continuing "even if you think I shouldn't have. I am NOT in hospital because of you; I'm in hospital because of those idiots that think its ok to do this to people. If you hadn't helped me, I probably wouldn't be here. I'd be in the morgue." He saw Dan flinch slightly at the thought, but he had to continue before Dan had a chance to doubt what he was saying. "None of this is your fault." He opened his arms and whispered "Now come here."

The young boy quickly walked back over to the bed and hugged him gently before sitting back down and taking Phil's hand in his. They sat like that for a few moments before Phil asked "Where are Dave and Sarah?" and Dan smiled slightly. "Have you ever seen Dave angry? It's quite scary. He tried to make me go back, but I wouldn't, so he's gone without me. Sarah went to find the doctor and get some food." Phil smiled slightly and said "He got angry! Why? Is you missing one curfew really that big of a deal?" Dan frowned slightly, and he suddenly looked very uncomfortable. When he spoke, he sound worried. "Um, Phil. You've been asleep for two days." Phil stiffened. Two days? How could he have been asleep for two days? There was no way… Wow. He really had been out of it. How hard had they hit his head? Dan looked at him for a minute before saying quietly "Do you want to know what's wrong with you?" Phil just nodded, fearing the worst. Dan swallowed and said "You lost a lot of blood. I think.. I think you nearly died. When we were in the car we couldn't get you to wake up. You have the cut across your forehead" Phil reached up slightly to feel it. The skin felt puckered, and he winced slightly. It was sore. Dan smiled at him and continued "They stitched it up. They also stitched up some more cuts on the back of your head. You've got a lot of bruises, mainly on your stomach and face." Phil groaned inwardly, he probably looked like a patchwork quilt of bruises. "And you've, um… fractured your jaw in three places." Phil's eyebrows furrowed slightly and he said quickly "It doesn't hurt". Dan smiled at him and said "Yeah, I think your body is 90% painkillers!" They both laughed and Phil squeezed his hand.

After a while he asked Dan quietly "What about you?" Dan just smiled at him and said jokingly "Well someone finally managed to break my nose. They fixed it and said I should still be sexy, so it's fine." He grinned, but Phil saw him wince slightly at the pain it caused his nose. Phil asked quietly "How did they fix it?" Dan swallowed and couldn't keep the pain off his face as he remembered "Um, they gave me an injection and then they had to set it in the right place" he knew there was no point in lying to Phil so he added onto the end "Hurt like hell." Phil smiled at him and started rubbing comforting circles on the back of Dan's hand with his thumb. Dan stuck his tongue out and continued softly "That's about it really, I just have a few bruises across my stomach, but they're healing now." Phil nodded slightly and said "Ok." And then Sarah and the doctor walked in.

"Ah Phil, you're awake!" the doctor said cheerily before walking over and writing down some notes from the monitor. Phil just nodded slightly and the doctor continued "how do you feel?" He shrugged his shoulders and said "Fine, I guess. Nothing hurts so…" the doctor smiled at him and said quickly "How's your memory?" Phil smiled quickly at Dan before replying happily "Fine, I can remember everything." She smiled at him and ran him through some quick tests. When she was done she said "I'm happy with his progress. I want to keep him in for another night just to monitor him, but he should be able to go home tomorrow." Dan smiled at her and she left the room. He squeezed the hand of his best friend, of his boyfriend and whispered happily "tomorrow!"


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22: Another night **

Dave had finally managed to persuade Dan to come back to the home for the night. It took a long time though.

"I'm not leaving." Dan said, trying to stay calm, but everyone could hear the hint of anger in his voice. Dave took a deep breath through his nose and said "Dan, you need to sleep." Dan just shook his head and replied quickly "I can sleep here." Dave opened his mouth to speak again, but was interrupted by Phil's tired voice. They'd been arguing about this for at least 45 minutes now, and it was really starting to annoy Phil. Of course he wanted Dan to stay, but he could see where Dave was coming from. He didn't like the idea of Dan sleeping in the hospital either. Dan hid it well, but Phil could tell that he really wasn't comfortable in the hospital. He was a bit more stiff than usual, and his eyes darted around whenever he heard a noise. Phil guessed it had something to do with his mum, and he also knew that Dan wouldn't want to talk about it here, especially when he was still worried about Phil. "Look, Dan, I'm fine. You can go back and get some sleep ok? Your no good to me here if you're to tired to watch the TV" he grinned at Dan before continuing "You can come back first thing tomorrow." He quickly turned to face Dave before saying "Can't he?" Dave sighed and eventually said "Fine. You can come back tomorrow." Dan smiled and squeezed Phil's hand before whispering "You sure?" Phil just nodded, returning the smile. Dan turned to face Dave before saying "Fine, I'll come back tonight. I'm not leaving Phil in till 8 o'clock though, and I'm coming back here at 8 tomorrow. If you're not awake and ready to take me I will walk." He said firmly, and Phil had a strong feeling he wasn't joking.

Soon 8 o'clock came around and it was time for Dan to leave. He leant over the hospital bed and gave Phil a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. Phil turned his head slightly and pouted at Dan, who giggled and leant forward again. They kissed, and as their lips moved in time, Phil ignored the protesting of his now slightly sore jaw. He felt Dan smile into the kiss, but it was ended quickly when Dave coughed loudly. They yanked apart quickly and then they both started laughing. Dan stuck his tongue out cheekily at Dave, who smiled slightly, and then turned back to Phil. He grinned and Phil was embarrassed when the heart monitor showed his reaction to Dan's dimples. Everyone could hear how those adorable dimples made his heart beat quicken and the butterflies started a marathon in his stomach. He felt the warmth of his cheeks and realised he was blushing.

Dan watched as the redness crept across Phil's pale cheeks, and his grin grew wider. Phil was just too cute. He did his usual awkward wave and said happily "I'll be here tomorrow ok?" Phil nodded, smiling, and just before Dan turned around he moved his arms. He brought his hands up to his chest, over his heart, and made them into a heart shape. Dan mimicked the gesture, laughing, and then turned and left the room, quickly followed by Dave. They reached the car quickly, and Dan climbed in the back without saying a word. He did up his seat belt and stared out of the window in a bit of a daze as they drove. After a while he was jolted from his hypnotic, sleepy state by Dave saying to him quietly "Why did they do it Dan? And don't give me any of that 'it's just what people do' stuff ok?" Dan sighed and stayed quiet for a few minutes, thinking. Eventually he took a breath and said "I honestly don't know Dave. The one from my old home, he didn't physically hurt us, but I guess he started it. He just seems to gain enjoyment from bullying people." Dave glanced at im in the mirror before saying quietly "Something must have triggered it Dan." Dan sighed again and said quietly "He said that they said we were causing them trouble at school. We hadn't done anything, but kids at school just don't like us because we're gay. I guess that probably had something to do with it." Dave smiled and they fell back into silence for a few minutes. Dave swallowed as though he was trying to build up to something, and Dan tried to give him time. He realised how hard these last few days must have been for him. He honestly cared about them, and it hurt him to see them like this.

After a few more minutes he said "Dan, I'm really proud of you. I'm proud of how truthful you are, of how well you cope and how much you care about others. I'm proud of how well you're doing and how well you've grown up. A lot of kids your age would have become selfish and bitter, but you haven't. I'm proud of how proud you are, and I just wanted to say thanks. You've made Phil happier than we ever managed to, and you've looked after him better than we've ever managed to. He wouldn't be here if you hadn't been strong and caring enough to keep going, even when things felt helpless. I want to thank you for showing us what it is to be a good person." Dan didn't say anything, unsure of what he should say. This was what Phil was good at, the whole 'putting things into words'. That was one thing that hadn't changed about Dan. Apart from when he was talking to Phil, he'd much rather keep his thoughts and feelings to himself.

He knew he had to do something though, and soon they were back. Dan glanced at the building he had set eyes on in just over 2 days, and he smiled to himself. He had missed this place, even though he'd never admit it. He missed the energy, the normality. He missed Oliver and Lucy. He'd still rather be at the hospital with Phil, but being here wasn't that bad. He opened the door and hopped out, closing it behind him. He waited as Dave climbed out, and when he'd locked it, he stepped forward quickly. He gently wrapped his arms around Dave, and after a moment he felt Dave relax into the hug. He returned it, and then they both pulled away. Dan looked at the floor and whispered "Thanks" before walking past quickly and entering the house.

When he walked into the living room he'd been swamped by Oliver and Lucy jumping on him, bombarding him with questions. He managed to walk over to the sofa, and was relieved to see that the rest of the room was empty. Dave was leaning against the door frame, smiling as he watched them. Dan slumped onto the sofa tiredly, and allowed the children to climb up next to him. Oliver on one side, Lucy on the other. He took a deep breath, he had Phil had already decided not to soften it for them. "Ok. I've broken by nose, but it's fine now. I have a few bruises on my stomach, but I'm absolutely fine. You just have to be careful not to touch my nose or my stomach. Phil…" he took a deep breath and continued "He's got a big cut on his forehead but they've stitched it up, so it just hurts a little. He's got a few bruises too, and he has a few cracks on his mouth bone" he chuckled slightly at how he was explaining it "he has a bit of a sore head, but he's going to be fine. He's going to come home tomorrow, and you just have to be really gentle with him and try not to make too much noise ok?" Oliver nodded and snuggled into Dan's side. He glanced over at Lucy, but she wouldn't look at him. She was staring in the other direction.

He glanced at the clock and said "right you two, its bed time. Come on!" He went through the normal routine and decided to tuck Oliver in first. He finished quickly and walked into Lucy's room. She was already in her pyjamas and in the bed, back to him. For a minute he wondered if she'd already fallen asleep, but he could see her shaking. He sat on the edge of her bed gently, and said quietly "What's wrong Luce?" She stiffened, but after a few minutes she rolled over to face him. There were tears rolling down her face, but that was all Dan had time to register before she was on his lap, her head buried in his chest. She mumbled quietly, and Dan only just managed to hear her, "Phil's dead, isn't he?" Dan stiffened and peeled her away slightly so he could look at her face. "No!" he exclaimed "He's fine. Why would you think that?" She just shook her head. He held her for a while, rocking her backwards and forwards, unsure of what to do. After a while she crawled out of his arms and slid herself back under the covers. She looked at him for a moment before whispering "When my uncle was looking after me, he had to go to the hospital. They promised he was coming out the next day, but he died. You said that Phil was coming out tomorrow, but I thought that you meant…" she tailed off, staring at the mattress. Dan pulled her into a quick hug, and when he pulled away he said gently "I promise you that Phil is ok, and he is coming home tomorrow." She smiled sleepily at him and whispered "Ok. Night Dan" He stood up, whispered "Night Luce" back, before turning the light off and wandering to his room.

A few hours later he was lying in his bed, still wide awake. He couldn't shut his brain up, which wasn't unusual. He couldn't stop thinking about what Phil had said to him at the hospital about how it wasn't his fault. He had gone a long with it, pretended that he understood, but he couldn't shake this guilty feeling. It weighed down on him, making him feel heavy. He couldn't stop thinking about how Phil's life would be without him. It would be so much easier. He wouldn't constantly have to be on the alert in case someone decided to beat him up. He wouldn't feel so uncomfortable sometimes. He knew Phil didn't mind, didn't blame him, thought it was worth it, but that didn't stop him from feeling guilty. He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind. He was happy with Phil, and Phil was happy with him, and that was all that mattered. Forcing those thoughts to the back of his mind caused others to be pushed to the front. He hated hospitals. Whenever he was there he couldn't stop himself remembering being taken from his mum, being dragged down the long corridors kicking and screaming as he heard his mother crying, calling him. He couldn't help but picture his mother, all alone in one of those cold empty rooms, scared and worried, unable to do anything. He couldn't help but think she must have felt abandoned. He couldn't help but picture her feebly searching through the cupboards and bags, finding the pills. He couldn't help but imagine her last moments, alone a terrified in one of those places.

Phil jumped and stared at the door as he heard footsteps. They passed his room quickly and he relaxed, telling himself to calm down. They aren't going to find you he kept telling himself. He'd been worrying all night even though he knew it was stupid. He worried that somehow, for some reason; they would come and find him. Come and finish the job they started. Phil always did this, freaked himself out, but this didn't compare to all the other times. The other times he'd watched horror films and been afraid to go to sleep, but in his heart he knew it was all fake, he knew he was safe. That wasn't the case now. That had all happened, and it could happen again. He glanced over at Sarah, and worry flitted across his face again and he started to shake. What if they came, what if they found him, what if they hurt Sarah? So many what ifs. Phil wished there was a way to know, not just this but all the what if's in life. He hated the unknown, it was his biggest fear. That was why he was afraid of leaving. Then it hit him. Even if they didn't come and find Phil, what if they went after Dan? Why did he ever agree to let them be separated?

Neither of them slept that night. 


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23: Police **

"Dave!" Dan banged on the door loudly, yelling as loud as he could. "Dave! Get up! If you are not in the car in 10 minutes I am walking!" Someone tapped him on the shoulder, and he spun around, fuming. Dave was stood there in his typical jeans and a t-shirt, one eyebrow raised. "You called?" he said sarcastically, and Dan sighed, looking at the floor. "Sorry." He said quietly "I assumed you were still in bed". Dave chuckled slightly before replying "You're not the only one who wants to see Phil you know! Now come on Dan, or we'll be late!" he said in a whiny voice. Dan laughed slightly and walked towards the stairs without saying another word.

Soon they had arrived at the hospital and Dan and Dave were walking quickly in a comfortable silence to Phil's room. They were walking along an empty corridor when Dave spoke, still looking straight ahead. "So Dan, I guess you didn't sleep well last night." Dan glanced over at him questioningly and Dave chuckled before adding on "You look like the walking dead." Dan smiled and turned his head away before saying quietly "I think to not sleep well, you'd have to actually sleep." This time it was Dave who glanced over at Dan, and said worriedly "want to talk about it?" Dan just shook his head.

Soon they reached Phil's room and Dan walked in smiling, followed by Dave. Phil was sat up, smiling at them both. He glanced over at the clock and said happily "ten to eight Dan! You're early!" he motioned over to Dave before continuing "How'd you manage to get him out of bed?". Dan just laughed and walked over to the bed, gave Phil a quick hug, and sat down next to the bed. He gently took Phil's hand in his before grinning and replying happily "Didn't have to. Apparently I wasn't the only person that wanted to see you." Phil flashed Dave a quick grin before turning back to Dan, noticing the distracted look on his face.

Dan studied Phil's face. He had dark circles under his eyes, which didn't sparkle as much. His hair was all over the place, as though he'd been tossing and turning all night. His skin was pale, and he just didn't seem like himself. Dan guessed he wasn't the only person that didn't sleep.

The distracted look on his face didn't stop Phil from noticing the tiredness that was showing all over his face. His eyes were drooping slightly, and they were swollen. His body was slumped slightly, as though he didn't have enough energy to hold himself up. His night obviously hadn't been much better than Phil's.

Dan squeezed Phil's hand gently and said off handily "How was your night?" Phil smiled at him, and it was obvious he knew what Dan was up to. "Long" he said, exaggerying this with a small yawn. Dan yawned too, and Phil giggled. "My yawns still infectious?" he asked innocently. Dan laughed and nodded his head before asking "Why didn't you sleep?" Phil shrugged his shoulders slightly and replied "Thinking. It doesn't matter though, I slept for two days straight!" he followed up quickly with a question "What about you?" Dan smiled at him and said quietly "Yeah, thinking." He paused for a long moment before whispering "About my mum." Phil just nodded bringing Dan's hand to his mouth, kissed it quickly, and then placed their intertwined hands back on the bed.

A while later Sarah wandered in, looking a little panicked. Dave seemed to notice this too and he said under his breath "What's up?" She turned to face him and then wandered over to the chair next to him. She took a deep breath, bracing herself for the reaction she knew was coming, and said "The police want to talk to Dan and Phil about the incident. They're talking to the doctor at the moment, and after that they want to talk to us" she motioned to herself and Dave "and then you two. They reckon they're going to be about 20 minutes." Dan's first reaction was to say no. It was law, you didn't rat people out, especially not people like Owen. He opened his mouth to say this, but glanced over at Phil. His eyebrows were furrowed and he had a look of concentration on his face. Dave and Sarah had obviously been expecting an outburst, and were shocked by the silence that met the news. Dave stood up quickly and said to Sarah "Do you want to wait outside for them?" She just nodded quickly in reply and they both left the room.

Dan turned to face Phil and asked quietly "What do you think we should do?" Phil stayed quiet for a few minutes. Eventually he replied "You probably won't like this, but I think we should tell them." Dan stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. "It's just… I wouldn't say it if this was going to be the end, but I don't think it will. Not just with us. We might never see them again, but they might do this to someone else. All I can picture is Oliver or Lucy being teenagers, this happening to them. I don't want them to be able to do this to anyone else." Dan thought for a few minutes, but it wasn't a hard decision to make. Just the faint idea of something like that happening to Oliver and Lucy, the mere idea of them having to go through that, the image of them stumbling up the steps, covered in blood and bruises… he knew Phil was right. He took a breath and said quietly "Ok. We'll tell them." Phil squeezed his hand slightly, and he knew he was doing the right thing.

Phil meant everything he'd said, he'd just played some of it down a bit. He hated the idea of them getting away with it, being left to do this to someone else. That wasn't it though. He was worried for him and Dan. He still, even in daylight, felt like they might come running in. They were doing the right thing, but was it for selfish reasons? Even if it was, did it matter? They were still doing the right thing, helping others. Did it really matter that Phil was… scared? Not that he'd tell Dan that.

It felt like only a few seconds had passed when Dave opened the door to let the police in. He shut the door again, without saying a word, and Dan studied the intruders carefully. One was a woman, with long red hair. She had green eyes and was slim, and she just seemed… happy. Maybe it was something to do with the grin on her face, or the way she stood, straight and calm. The other was a man, and he seemed much more like your typical police officer. Slightly round belly, slightly balding. Looking at the floor, not making eye contact, watery blue eyes, nothing like Phil's. He was stood formally, hands behind his back. He was the first to speak, and it took Dan a few moments to tune in. "and we were hoping we could ask you some questions." Dan nodded stiffly, and the woman seemed to notice how uncomfortable he was. She flashed her grin at him before saying gently "It can be hard sometimes, but you need to tell us. We can't let people get away with these things." Dan smiled quickly and nodded again and he heard Phil say quietly "Ask us what you want." The man said gruffly "Did you know any of your attackers?" Dan felt Phil squeeze his hand, and he nodded. He cleared his throat loudly before saying "Owen… I can't remember his last name. He goes to Ramden gate children's home." The man noted something down and continued briskly "Any others?" They both shook their heads and Phil said quickly "I think some of them went to our school, but I'm not sure who they were." The man nodded, still scribbling. The woman directed a smile at Phil this time before saying gently "Did they say anything?" Phil glanced over at Dan anxiously, and Dan smiled sadly at him. He turned slightly to face the woman and said quietly "Owen did all the talking. He likes to unnerve you, make you question yourself. He didn't physically touch us, but he started it all. He tried to pretend we were friends, but he didn't mean it."

They asked a few more questions, but all Dan heard was a buzzing in the background. Phil answered the rest of the questions, and they left. Dan slumped further into his chair, thinking. It felt strange, ratting people out. He just hoped that Owen didn't find out what they'd done, because Dan knew how determined he could be. They were in for it.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24: That was quick **

Phil sighed, tapping his fingers on the desk. The room was empty apart from the teacher. Phil was sat at the very back, glancing at the clock every now and then. So, this is what pure boredom felt like. He'd only been here for 15 minutes! He still had another hour to go. He sighed again, changing the rhythm of his tapping, staring at the desk. He heard a slight cough, and he glanced up to see that teacher staring at him, irritated. Phil just raised his eye brows and smiled innocently, bright blue eyes twinkling. He continued to tap, not caring that the teacher was outwardly glaring at him now. He was sick of being good all the time, what did it get him? Black eyes and bloody noses because he wouldn't fight back. Well, not until now. Detention was so boring.

He'd been wandering the corridor, bored. He had a free period, and he was at a loss of things to do. He'd normally sit in the common room, doodle, or watch some YouTube videos on his phone, but he didn't want to go in there today. They were doing orientation for the year elevens that were considering joining, and Phil really did not want to get drawn in by the teachers to tell the kids how 'great' this place was. He turned into another empty corridor, and stopped at a window. He felt the weak sun hitting his face, and was tempted to go outside, but he decided against it. He didn't equally like going into large open spaces by himself anymore. He knew it was stupid, but that didn't stop the tightening of his chest when he did it. After a few more minutes, he pushed himself away from the window, and continued to walk. He turned into another deserted corridor, yawning. He was walking down at a slow pace, trying to relax. He heard a door open next to him, and he glanced to the right. Matt. Phil glanced the other way quickly, not wanting to make eye contact with him. He hadn't beaten him up since that first day, but that didn't mean he'd left him alone. He had been pushing him, tripping him, hissing insults at him out of the corner of his mouth. Phil could cope with it, but it was starting to get really annoying. He didn't understand why people couldn't just leave them alone. Why couldn't people just stay out of it? He carried on walking, but he suddenly felt pressure on his shoulder as he was spun around violently. "Hey, cock sucker." Matt said, smirking. Phil just stared at him, waiting, unsure of what Matt was going to do. After a long pause he sighed and said, agitated, "What Matt?" he didn't know why he said what he did, but he didn't really care either. He thought it was quite funny actually, that it was him saying, not Dan. It definitely seemed like something the younger of the two would do. "Do you want me to ask you out or something? Because I'm sorry, but you're not my type."

Of course, he found himself pinned against the wall by his throat. Matt didn't say anything, he was obviously too overwhelmed by anger. He just raised his fist, and Phil knew that he was about to be punched in the nose, hard. He snapped. He thought it probably had something to do with the hand around his throat. He couldn't breathe properly; there was a rush of adrenaline and sudden survival instincts kicked in. It wasn't just that though. This wasn't the first time he'd been held by the throat. His father had held him like that once. It was one of the few times Phil had fought back, so he knew how to get out of it. He snapped his head to the side quickly, trapping Matt's hand. He reached out and grabbed his arm, twisting quickly. He heard Matt let out a sharp cry and reflexively pull the arm away. The other hand loosened its grip and Phil managed to duck under the other arm, slipping out of the hold. Matt spun around, snarling like a wild animal, and lunged towards him. Phil ducked instinctively, adrenaline still pulsing through his veins. When he straightened up, Matt was staring at him in awe. Phil didn't know what it was, but he wanted to burst into laughter. Did these idiots really think he couldn't fight? Just because he chose not to, just because he let them walk all over him, didn't mean he couldn't fight. Matt launched at him again, but Phil could see the apprehension. He obviously wasn't going to give up, and Phil sighed inwardly. He ducked again while reaching out with his arms. He quickly placed one hand on his shoulder, and the other on the opposite side, where his ribs were. He pushed backwards on the shoulder, while pushing to the left with his other hand. Phil wasn't very strong, so he knew how to use speed and momentum to his advantage. If Matt hadn't been already moving, if he hadn't been launching himself at Phil, it wouldn't have worked. Phil wasn't strong enough. Matt's body twisted and he fell, landing flat on his back. All the wind was knocked out of him.

Phil hadn't done enough to hurt him, just to shock him. He took advantage of his shock, and knelt over him, a leg either side, preventing him from moving. He sat there, unsure of what to do or say. He didn't have to think of anything however, because that's when a teacher came round the corner and yanked him off. Phil could understand how it looked, Matt helpless on the floor, Phil leaning over him. Well, Matt wasn't exactly helpless. He could easily have thrown Phil off, he just hadn't because he was still in shock. He tried to explain, to tell them that it was self defence, that Matt wasn't even hurt. They didn't listen. Why would they? Matt was the golden boy that everyone trusted, and Phil was just a care home kid. Of course he would cause trouble.

That had been yesterday, and now he was in detention. He had detention everyday for the next two weeks. He also had to spend the next two days in seclusion. He'd been in there all day today as well, to make sure he didn't 'attack that poor boy again'. It hadn't been too bad; it's just a room where you have to sit in silence at a desk on your own. It's split into separate cubicles so you're closed off from everybody, and you just have to sit there, do the work that's sent up for you. It really isn't that bad, in fact, Phil sort of preferred it from school. At least people couldn't trip him, push him, insult him. They think the quiet is horrible, enough to keep you out of there, but they haven't been in the quiet room. You could hear the ticking off the clock, the sighing of the bored students and teachers, the breathing, the sniggering as people read the rude jokes that have been scrawled on the walls. They have posters on the cubicle walls! That place is like heaven compared to the quiet room. Detention was worse, but it still wasn't as bad as people always made out. There was still the ticking of the clock, the breathing, the tapping of Phil's fingers. This wasn't driving him crazy like the quiet room, this was just pure boredom.

Dan sat next to the teacher, the paper in front of him, trying to concentrate. He had finally caught up on the basics for science, but he was trying to keep it quiet. He was now catching up on the GCSE stuff and he wanted to surprise everyone when he got to sit the exam this year. He needed to work hard though; otherwise he wasn't going to catch up quickly enough. His mind drifted slightly, wondering how Phil was coping in his detention. He remembered walking into the living room with Phil the day before to find Dave fuming. He had raged at Phil, but he finally stopped long enough to listen to what Phil had to say. Once he had explained that he hadn't been bullying that idiot, beating him up, Dave's anger increased. Now it was directed towards the school. Eventually Phil managed to calm him down, persuaded him he didn't care about detention and that he preferred seclusion to school. Dave was still angry, still wanted to call the school, but Phil knew how to get to him. "Dave, I don't want to cause any more trouble. I just want to have an easy life for at least a week, ok?" Dave's face had softened instantly, and he agreed not to call the school. Dave was too easy to get around and everyone knew it. Phil still wouldn't tell him his name, but at least Dan knew he could take care of himself.

He pulled his attention back to the science in front of him, and flipped the paper over quickly. He turned to face the teacher, and waited for a question. She studied his face for a minute, seeing the determination there and went straight into the high grade questions. "What are the two stages of photosynthesis?" Dan didn't even pause; he jumped straight in with his awnser. "The first step is a light reaction, where light splits water into hydrogen ions and oxygen, which is then released as a waste product. In the second stage the carbon dioxide reacts with the hydrogen ions to form glucose." The teacher nodded, impressed, before saying "Last question. What are the accessory pigments and what do they do?" Dan took a deep breath and said "Chlorophyll b, carotene and" he paused he, not because he didn't know, but because he was unsure how to pronounce it. "xanthophylls." His teacher nodded, and he carried on. "They absorb different wavelengths of light from the spectrum and then pass the energy onto chlorophyll a." The teacher gave him a quick high five, and Dan grinned. This is why he was finally caught up with most of his science. This teacher didn't care where he came from, didn't care about his background, and didn't treat him any differently from anyone else. A ll she cared about was that Dan was polite and worked hard. It encouraged him to do just that and it proved to him that he was capable. He wasn't stupid. She returned the grin and said happily "That's great Dan. Most of the kids in your class still probably can't awnser those questions. Not only are you catching up, but you're catching up with the kids in the top of the class. I think you'll be able to do the higher paper! That's the biology unit finished, and you've already done the physics, so that just leaves the chemistry. Once we've done that, you'll be able to sit the exam." He asked anxiously "Do you think I'll be ready to sit it this year, with the others?" She nodded and said "Yeah, definitely! I would start with the chemistry now, but it's already 4:15, you better go!" He grinned again and grabbed his bag before calling "Thanks miss!" and walking out the door.

Eventually, finally, it was 4:15 and he could go. He stood up quickly, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. He quickly walked from the room, but was called back. He sighed, turning around and walking back in. The teacher was sat there, his head resting on his hand. He didn't even know this teacher; he'd just seen him around school. "Yeah?" he asked, itching to get out of the school. The teacher studied him for a minute before saying "Why did you do it?" Phil sighed quietly and a silence fell across the room for a minute. Eventually Phil spoke "Why does it matter? I've told the truth and nobody believes me." The teacher didn't reply, just watched him, waiting. Phil sighed again, louder this time and said "He had me up against the wall, he was holding my throat. I freaked, managed to escape, and then he lunged at me. He ducked; he tried again, so I threw him on the floor and stopped him from moving." The teacher motioned for him to come closer, and he did cautiously. The teacher stood up, hands raised to show he wasn't going to do anything to hurt him. Phil chuckled slightly and said "I'm not a scared little puppy, and I'm not going to lose my mind when people come near me. I only snapped yesterday because it's been going on for so long." The teacher laughed and said "I just want to look at your neck."

Phil raised an eyebrow but moved his collar away from his neck. The teacher peered and said after a moment "Don't see how they can't believe you; they just have to look at your neck." Phil let go of his collar and tilted his head, questioningly. The teacher smiled slightly and said "It's pretty badly bruised." This shocked Phil. He didn't realise how tightly Matt had been holding him. He shrugged and turned to leave when the teacher said quietly "Do you want me to speak to him? Or the teachers?" Phil just shook his head, smiling slightly. He chuckled as he said "No, its fine. I'm used to it. After all, not everyone see's us like you do." He left the room smiling, wondering who the teacher was.

Phil wandered into the car park to see that Dan was already there. He walked over grinning, and they hugged tightly. Phil pulled away, still grinning, and Dan chuckled slightly. "Aw, Philly's tongue!" he exclaimed, and Phil automatically raised his hand to cover it. He hated his smile. Dan gently removed the hand and said happily "Don't, it's adorable" Phil dropped his hand which was now intertwined with Dan's. They leant against the wall, waiting. When anyone had to stay after school, Dave would pick them up in the car. "Wonder what's taking him so long" Phil mused "He's normally here by now." He felt Dan shrug next to him, and he smiled to himself. He slid down the wall slightly and rested his head on Dan's shoulder. They stood like that for 10 more minutes before Dan asked "How was detention?" Phil chuckled slightly before replying "Pure, undiluted boredom. Apart from that, it was fine. The teacher was actually pretty cool, I regret annoying him with my rhythmic fingers." Dan chuckled slightly and then replied "Your fingers are not rhythmic. You have no rhythm. I've seen you dance!" Phil stuck his tongue out at him cheekily, and Dan continued "Why, what did the teacher do?" Phil smiled slightly and said "Tried to pull a Dave. He saw my neck…" he immediately regretted saying this and tried to smooth over it "he just wanted to help me out, talk to the kid or the teachers." Dan studied him for a long minute and then said quietly "Let me see your neck Phil." Phil sighed, knowing there was no way out of it. He pulled his collar away for the second time that day, and heard Dan gasp. He let go of his collar quickly and turned to him before saying "How bad is it?" Dan shook his head and said hoarsely "The bruises aren't that bad, it's just… they're the exact shape of… of hand prints."

They fell back into their silence, and after about ten minutes they both jumped when Phil's phone rang. They laughed at each other before Phil took the phone out of his pocket. They both glanced at the caller ID. Dave. Dan raised his eyebrows questioningly, and Phil shrugged before answering the phone. "Hey Dave." Phil said, and Dave replied quickly, sounding panicked. "Phil! The car won't start and Sarah's taken everyone in the minibus to the centre for that crafts thing. I'm going to have to walk there to get you, so I'm going to be about 20 minutes." Phil sighed and said quickly "Dave, you don't need to walk here to get us. We can walk ourselves." Dave replied quickly, sounding determined "Phil. I'm coming to get you."

The conversation went on like this for a while, Phil trying to convince Dave he didn't need to walk all the way there. Dan managed to pick up from Phil's side of the conversation that the car wasn't working and Dave wanted to walk to the school to collect them. Dan listened for a while, but eventually he became irritated. He motioned for Phil to hand him the phone, which he did, looking slightly confused. Dan brought the phone to his ear and said exasperated "Dave. We know why you don't want us to walk. You're worried about those idiots, but we will be fine. The walk goes through estates, there's going to be people around. Me and Phil both have our phones too, so we can call you if we need to. It's daylight. If we have to wait here for you for 20 minutes, we're probably in more danger considering we think some of them go to our school." The other end of the phone was silent for a long time, but eventually Dave said "Fine. Keep your phones on and don't take any short cuts. Don't wait for them to start talking to you. The minute you see one, ring me. If you are not here in 20 minutes I'm coming to get you." Dan replied in quick agreement and hung up the phone. He grinned over at Phil, and they set off hand in hand.

Dan knew they were going to be after them, but he didn't think it would be this quick.

**A/N I was going to fit the whole up and coming incident into this chapter, but I think it's already long enough! So sorry, you have to wait for the next chapter to find out! Thanks for reading, lots of flying llamas that produce rainbows from every orifice for all of you! **


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25: Don't let me lose him. **

They walked hand in hand past the houses and Dan glanced up at the sky. "Phil, we better hurry up or we're going to look like we've gone for a swim." Phil glanced up at the sky to and grinned quickly before squeezing his hand. They both sped up, glancing up at the darkening sky now and then. It was a grey, flat and dull sky, contrasting the brightness of the houses. They were proper houses; ones that made you think that nothing could go wrong in there. Of course that was rubbish, and both boys knew it. They'd both lived in houses like those once. Phil stared at some of the houses and broke the silence with a sigh. Dan glanced over at him, and putting on his best Miss Miles voice said "Tell me whats on your mind." Phil chuckled and then replied "It's just… It's going to be weird living in a place like those again. It'll be so… calm!" Dan giggled and asked "Isn't that a good thing?" Phil stayed quiet for a long time before replying "I don't know. I'm so used to it." He sighed and continued "It'll just be different I guess." Dan nodded and said, trying to comfort him "You'll settle down with someone, have loads of kids." Phil stared at him, stopping in the middle of the street. After a few seconds he started walking again, but he still stared at Dan, one eyebrow raised. "Dan, I'm going to have to live in a silent house for a while, considering you don't get out for another two years." Dan sighed, but didn't say anything.

He'd been feeling insecure about that for a while now. He couldn't stop thinking about Phil's friend, PJ, and how he stopped visiting. Would Phil really want to stay with Dan once he left? He'd be meeting new people, he'd realise Dan wasn't good enough. He'd meet someone his own age. Even if he didn't, he wouldn't want to have to come to the care home all the time to visit. He wouldn't want to have to see his boyfriend in certain hours. He was going to want to move on with his life, he was going to leave Dan behind. It was so close now; his time with Phil was running out so quickly.

Phil studied Dan's face, unsure about what he was thinking about. He looked distracted, and Phil could have sworn he saw a flash of pain in those beautiful chocolate pools. His eyes were normally so warm, so welcoming, but they just suddenly turned dull. He didn't say anything; he just thought to himself _he'll tell me when he's ready. _He tried to stop staring at him, to give him space to think. He glanced behind him instead. He saw a quick movement out of the corner of his eye, and he glanced back again. _Weird _he thought to himself. It looked like someone had darted into an alleyway between too houses. He was probably imagining things, but he brushed that thought of. He hadn't been imagining it. _Probably someone going in through a side gate or something. _

They were about 5 minutes away when Dan said quietly to Phil "Phil, is there somebody behind us?" his hushed whisper was so low that Phil could barely hear it, and that worried him. Dan was seriously scared. Phil glanced over his shoulder casually and saw what he assumed to be a man. He was walking with his head down, hands in his pockets. He was wearing dark jogging bottoms and a dark blue hoodie. Phil turned back and replied quietly "Yeah." He watched as Dan took a deep breath and asked quietly "What's he wearing?" Phil squeezed his hand before replying, trying to keep his voice low, "Dark trackies and dark blue hoodie." There it was again, that flash of fear in his eyes, and he whispered, voice trembling "Was there a yellow cuff on one arm of the hoodie?" Phil stayed quiet for a moment, thinking, picturing him in his head. After a minute, he nodded. He saw Dan stiffen reflexively, and then Dan whispered quickly, urgently "Limited edition. It's Owen. Get your phone out, call Dave. Stay on the phone to him till we get there. Don't walk any faster, and don't tell Dave whats wrong, he's not stupid, he'll know." Phil nodded quickly and removed his phone from his pocket.

Dan had heard the footsteps following them for about ten minutes, and he had become paranoid. Now he knew who it was, he felt his heart rate increase and his body tense, ready to run. Owen wouldn't have come on his own, the others were somewhere. He watched Phil remove his phone. Dan didn't know where the instructions he had just given had come from, but he knew he was right. Dave needed to know, but if they walked any faster Owen would realise they knew and Dan did not want to see how long it would take Owen to get the others. If Phil was on the phone at least Dave would know if something happened, and Dan and Phil wouldn't be left to cope on their own this time.

Phil placed the phone to his ear, and Dave answered after the first ring, giving Phil the impression he'd been waiting by the phone. He tried to keep his voice up beat and happy when he said "Hey Dave! We're under 5 minutes away, ok?" Dave sounded confused. "Ok?" he said, making it sound like a question. "Yeah, you told us to call so we thought we better."

Dave listened to Phil, and he realised quickly what was going on. He had told them to ring if they saw them, and that was exactly what they were doing. He asked urgently "Are they there Phil?" he heard Phil laugh at the other end and he replied "Yeah, that's a typical Oliver." Yes. He didn't need Phil to tell him, he could hear it in the laugh. Anyone else would have been fooled, but Dave had known Phil for years now. He could hear the strain in his voice. "Phil. I'm coming to get you. Keep walking and stay on the phone." Phil replied quickly"Uh-huh, Dan's test went fine. How was your day?"

They rounded the last corner and they could see Dave starting to walk out of the gate. They both waved, and Phil hung up the phone, sliding it into his pocket. They walked towards each other and met about a meter away from the gate. Dave spun on his heel almost comically and started walking back towards the house. None of them said anything. They had just walked through the gate when it happened.

"Hey Dan, Phil!" The trio spun round quickly, and Dan opened his mouth to speak, but someone else beat him to it. "So, it's safe to assume you're Owen?" Dave spoke loudly and clearly. Dan was shocked; he never knew Dave would do this. He didn't even sound scared! Owen removed his hood and raised an eyebrow before saying "You guess correctly, although I don't know how." Dave smirked slightly before replying "Well, you've been following them for a while, but haven't tried to hit them. So I assumed you've got to be the wimp." Owen returned the smirk and walked towards them briskly.

Phil wasn't listening to what was being said, he was too busy watching as people removed hoods and started crossing the road and walking towards them. It looked like something out of a bad horror movie. He heard Dave say loudly but calmly "You two, inside, now." Him and Dan both replied loudly "No!". He bought his focus back to the scene in front of him. Owen had also removed his hood, and he was stood less than 3 feet away. He watched, frozen, as Owen launched himself at Dan.

He didn't stay frozen for long.

He launched himself at the boy, and managed to knock him out of the way less than a second before he would have touched Dan. Owen was on the floor; Phil sat on top of him, breathing heavily. Why had Owen tried to hurt Dan? He didn't fight. Phil could tell why, he was weaker than Phil! Suddenly, he was yanked off.

Dan flinched as Owen leapt towards him, but no impact came. He opened his eyes to see a sight which chilled him. Phil was restraining him; Owen was lying on the floor. This wasn't what terrified him though. He knew that Phil wouldn't hurt him, not properly. He knew that he could look after himself against Owen. Well, he would be able to if it was fair, but it wasn't. He wasn't thinking about the others, the fact they were outnumbered. He was staring at the glint of metal in the weak sunlight.

Phil could take Owen.

He couldn't take a knife.

Dan did the only thing he could think of. He ran forward, grabbing Phil roughly by the shoulders and pulled him away as hard as he could. He dragged him backwards, his eyes never leaving the weapon. He hissed at the other two "Inside. He's got a knife."

_Knife. _For some reason Phil didn't feel scared, all he could think was _huh, that's why he tried to attack Dan. Wait. He tried to attack Dan. With a knife. Oh god. What would have happened if he hadn't tackled him? _He heard Dave telling them both to get inside. "No." he said straight away "I am not leaving you out here." Dave gave him a stern look and replied harshly "For once will you two do as I say? It's my job to protect all of you, and I can't do that if I'm trying to make sure you two don't get hurt." Phil watched in surprise as Dan nodded and turned to Phil quickly. "Come on Phil." Phil shook his head in disbelief. "You need to go Dan, I can't risk you getting hurt. I am not leaving Dave." Dan stared him in the eyes, and time seemed to slow down. He seemed to be staring into those pools for eternity. They didn't need to say anything, they both knew. Dan wasn't going to go in without Phil. Phil wasn't going in without Dan. They both wanted the other to go in for their safety. Phil sighed, and they both turned to face Dave. He smiled sadly at them both before saying "I knew you'd make the right decision, but I can't come in with you. I'm going to stand right outside the door, ok?"

Soon they were both being shoved inside and Dave slammed the front door behind them. They both turned around to find Sarah stood directly behind them, eyes wide. Phil suddenly found himself lurching back into action. "Sarah, do you know where Dave put the number of the police detectives?" she stared at him for a moment, shocked, before nodding. Without another word she walked away. Phil turned to Dan and said quietly "You stay here, watch and… help if you need to. Just make sure you don't get hurt, ok?" Dan nodded quickly before asking hoarsely "What are you going to do?" Phil smiled at him before saying "I'm going to find the others, get them all in one room, and make sure they're safe until this is over." They stared at each other for a moment.

_What if I lose him? Don't be stupid. You're not going to lose him. They are not getting in the house. Everything will be fine. _

_Please don't let me lose him. _

They pulled themselves together, and hugged each other tightly. Eventually they pulled away, and they turned away without another word. Dan wandered over to the window, and Phil darted up the stairs.

Both of the boys had silent tears dripping down their faces.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26: It's finally over **

Dan stared out the window, heart racing as he watched the events unfold. They were all there now, every single one of them. He could see that Phil had been correct; at least 3 of them went to their school, all though Dan didn't know any of them. They weren't the usual tormentors. He had a feeling some of them were in sixth form to, but he couldn't be sure. He didn't pay much attention to the others, apart from to ask himself _why are people we don't even speak to at school out there? Do people just enjoy watching others terrified, watching other people hurt? _He just didn't understand why people that had nothing to do with them, people who had never said one word to them, would be doing this. He didn't even understand why people at school were horrible to them in the first place. He couldn't understand what Owens problem was. That was who Dan was paying attention to. He was watching Owen. He was watching the knife.

Phil ran through the corridor, banging on every door. He reached the end of the corridor, and spun around. _Where was Lucy and Oliver? _He had to get to them first. They were the youngest, they wouldn't be able to protect themselves, they wouldn't know what to do. He yelled loudly "Lucy! Oliver!" and started to run back the way he had come. He had just reached Oliver's room again when they burst out of the bathroom, grinning widely. Lucy asked innocently "What do you want Phil?" but he didn't reply. He just grabbed them roughly by the arms and started dragging them up the stairs. He heard Oliver whimper "Phil, you're hurting me!" and Phil realised what he had done. He stopped and let go. This was not going to help; this was just going to make this worse for them. He took a deep breath, and tried to sound calm, but even he could hear the shake in his voice. "There's, um… there's people outside, ok? Everything's going to be fine, but we need to get everyone together in one room, just to make sure." They both nodded and ran up the stairs without another word, Phil following closely behind them. Normally the others all stayed in their rooms apart from to come downstairs to eat, so he hoped today would not be any different. They quickly reached the middle floor, and Lucy and Oliver banged loudly on Emily's door while Phil did the same on Jays.

She opened the door after a few seconds and Phil could tell that she was fuming. "Phil what the-" she started but Phil interrupted her quickly. "Jay, there are people outside" he lowered his voice quickly so that Oliver and Lucy wouldn't hear "with weapons, ok? We all need to get in the same room, we need to stay together." She raised an eyebrow and sighed "whatever." And she started to close the door. Phil quickly put his foot in the way and hissed "Jay, I am not joking. Why would I? Dave is outside trying to protect us, and I will not let him get fucking hurt for nothing." She raised an eyebrow and swung the door open again before saying "You. Cursed. Phil Lester cursed. OK, I believe you." He just sighed and headed towards Emily's room. She was arguing with Oliver and Lucy, but Phil was not going to waste anymore time. He glared at her for a second before saying "Emily. I am not lying, and neither are they. If we do not get everyone together, someone could get hurt. Do as I say." She stared at him for a moment before glancing at her sister and sighing. She motioned for them to go, and the five of them quickly reached the top floor, with Emily muttering the whole way. "If you're joking Lester…" Phil ignored her.

"You guys get Zeena, she won't argue. I'll get Jake. When you've got Zeena go straight into my room. Don't wait for us." He saw Emily raise an eyebrow and he explained quickly "We need to know what's going on and my room has the best view of the front." She nodded, and without saying another word, walked towards Zeena's room. Oliver and Lucy followed, but he grabbed Jay's arm before she could. He whispered urgently "Don't let Ollie and Luce watch, it'll just scare them." She nodded quickly before asking timidly "Is it really that bad?" He just nodded before letting go and running to Jake's door.

When Jake opened the door, Phil felt that familiar rush of anger, the one he always tried to repress. He couldn't stop thinking about how most of the people out there knew Jake, were friends with him. Phil didn't care that Jake probably didn't even know what was going on. He just hissed at him "Your friends are outside with _knifes_ so we all need to get into my room. Now." Jake stepped out immediately, but instead of walking to Phil's room, he stopped. He turned to Phil and just said simply "Tell me." Phil sighed and gave him a condensed version. "Owen followed me and Dan home. All of them are out there, and Owen has a knife. Dave's outside trying to stop them from coming in." He watched as something, Phil was unsure what, dawned on his face. When he spoke again, he sounded furious much to Phil's surprise. "IDIOTS! Why would they… right. I have to stop them. I will not let them hurt any of you." Without another word, he turned around and darted down the stairs. Phil considered following him for a moment, but he decided against it. It may sound cold, but he had to protect as many people as he could. He couldn't try to stop Jake and put the others at risk. They wouldn't hurt him anyway, would they?

Dan opened the window a crack, desperate to hear what was going on. They were all stood around, and Owen seemed to be saying something to Dave. Before he had a chance to listen, Sam ran past him in a whirlwind of action. He was out the front door before Dan could do anything. He didn't know what to do. Should he go out and help? What was Jake doing anyway? He was drawn out of his thoughts by Jakes voice. "What are you doing!?" Jake yelled "This is my house, my family! How dare you? What is your problem." He heard people yelling back, the noise overlapping and creating a mess which was hard to understand. He caught little snippets, stuff like "What's up Jake? You sound like a poof. Ahh Jakey, do you have a crush on the old dude? Ha, family, he doesn't have one! They don't want him." Dan felt anger slowly boiling inside him. He didn't know why Jake was doing this, but he already knew that nothing was going to happen to Jake or Dave. He wouldn't let it. He caught a glimpse of something out of the window that knocked the breath out of him as though he had been physically kicked. He felt cold all over, and his heart which had been pounding came to a sudden and painful stop. He saw the glint of metal near Dave, he saw the contact on skin and he saw the scarlet blood. He was shaking and the whole world was spinning, twisting, turning and Dan felt as though he should be sprawled on the floor. Instead, he was running out the front door.

Phil was the pressed against the glass of his window, trying to ignore his reflection that was staring back at him. Red rimmed eyes, sickly pale skin contrasting with the messy black hair. He looked how he felt. Terrified. People were jostling, trying to get better views of what was going on, but he wasn't going to move. He had to watch, no matter how much he hated it. He had to make sure everyone was ok. It was like when you watch a horror film, and your terrified and worried and grossed out, but you can't take your eyes away. His heavy breathing was fogging up the window and he wiped it away, agitated. He couldn't make out much, the sky was darkening. He could see silhouettes, abstract shapes. The one closest to the door had to be Dave, and he was almost certain the one closest to him was Owen. Suddenly he saw the glint of the knife. Definitely Owen. He was waving his arms around, he seemed to be saying something. Not saying, shouting. He suddenly felt something crash into his back and pull on his shoulders. Before he had time to register what was happening, Lucy was watching over his shoulder. He shook her off immediately, but it was still too late. She fell to the floor and stared up at him, tears in her eyes, and whispered "was that a…" Phil looked at her pleadingly before looking anxiously over at Oliver. She understood right away, and just crawled quickly over to his pile of soft toys. It took him a moment to realise what she was doing. She pulled the cat out and crawled to her corner like she always did. She didn't whisper to it though, or try to brush its fur. She just cuddled it into her chest and bent her head over it. After a few seconds, Phil heard the broken sobs escape her lips. He knew suddenly, he didn't know how, but he did. He knew he needed to comfort her, to help her, not watch. It's what Dan would want. He wouldn't want him to terrify himself by watching the events unfold below. He'd want him doing what he thought he did best. Care.

He walked over to her, and slumped next to her, using the wall for the support he so desperately needed. He wrapped an arm around and whispered quietly "its fine Lucy, everything's going to be fine." He looked up to see Oliver staring at them intently, confused, tears slowly running down his face. Phil smiled slightly. Oliver had always been one to care too much, a bit like Phil really. He often started crying when he saw others upset, before he even knew the problem. He lifted his other arm, inviting Oliver over. He darted across the room quickly, sliding under the arm, and Phil pulled him close. He kept up a quiet stream of comfort. "It's going to be fine, it'll be over soon, everything will go back to normal. We're safe, everything's fine, it's all going to be fine." He was interrupted by Oliver looking up at him, wide eyed and wet faced, asking him quietly "Promise?". Phil pulled them both into a tighter hug, but didn't reply.

He was soon darting from the room however. The others were still watching, giving a commentary on what was happening outside. Phil wasn't listening, he didn't want to know. However, three simple words got his attention and had him running for the front door.

"Dan's out there."

Dan had just ran outside, and he realised he didn't have a clue what to do. He stood frozen on the top stair, the noise hitting him. People were shouting, screaming. He remembered what had made him come out, and his head snapped quickly to Dave. He was stood straight, yelling at Owen, but he was clutching his arm tightly to his chest. He took a quick step forward, unsure what to do. He couldn't focus, couldn't think. All the noise and the adrenaline was just making everything a huge jumbled mess in his mind and he couldn't think couldn't stop couldn't breathe couldn't stay calm couldn't stop everything from spinning and turning and… Then Phil came up behind him. He placed a hand on Dan's shoulder, and he relaxed. His chest loosened and his mind became clear again. They glanced at each other before quickly and determinately walking to Dave. They had another time to register that there was a lot of blood before the flashing lights and sirens span round the corner.

They watched from upstairs as a group of policemen rounded up all of them, hand cuffing them, identifying them and shoving them roughly into the back of vans and cars. Of course they all tried to run, to hide, but the police had surprised them. They managed to catch them all quickly without too much hassle. Turns out, not only did Owen have a knife, but someone else had a crow bar and many of them were carrying what the police called 'offensive weapons' that would normally be looked over. Stuff that suited a house setting, like peelers and scissors. As they all watched, they all wanted to do the same thing, but they knew they had to wait. They watched, and glanced over at Oliver and Lucy every now and then. They knew that they owed Phil, that things might have gone different if he hadn't cared so much. They knew they had to return the favour. They knew he wouldn't want Lucy and Oliver out there until it was safe.

As they rounded them all up, Dan and Phil slowly started to asses Dave's injury. He had a large gash on his arm, but that was it. In an attempt to try and calm them down he said jovially "I'm an easy bleeder." The smile disappeared off his face when he saw the look he received. They peeled off his jacket, which was already covered in blood, and used it to put pressure on the wound, the whole time Dan making sure he didn't stare at the one pale scar that crossed his wrist.

Eventually all the police were gone, and they grabbed Lucy and Oliver, dragging them out of the room. They quickly reached the front door and flung it open, running out into the cold night air.

They carried on putting pressure on the wound, waiting for the ambulance that the detectives had called before they left to arrive. Dave had been adamant that he didn't need one, but one of the policemen had convinced him he would need a few stitches and it was better to do it now than when he was weak from blood loss. Suddenly, they felt a wall push against them, and turned just in time to see the faces of the others before they were enveloped in a giant hug. They were all there, and they were all crying silently. They all had huge grins on their faces, and their eyes were bright with that happy feeling you get after a bad thing, when you think everything's ok again. Before you know that good things don't last, especially when you had the luck of most of these kids.

As they were enveloped in the warm embrace, everyone laughing hysterically, Dan's eyes met Phil's. They stared into each other's eyes for a long minute, basking in the happiness they felt. They were both still here. They hadn't lost each other. They hadn't lost anyone in this mismatched family of theirs. They thought about Jake, and realised that they'd actually been bought closer to their family. Fresh tears welled in Phil's eyes as he whispered, pure happiness showing through his voice "It's finally over."

Dan tried to ignore the voice in the back of his head taunting him.

_Things are never going to go your way. You're never going to be happy. You're going to lose him. _


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N Believe it or not what you've read so far, I hadn't even planned on when I started writing this! Now however that little tangent has finished and we go back to the planned storyline! I realised recently I've been using fanfiction as some sort of therapy. I don't even know what has suddenly come over me, but I just only seem to feel happy and like myself now when I read/write fanfiction, watch youtubers, read, perform or draw. That means I'm not going anywhere soon! *happy dance* I just want to say thank you for reading this for, thanks for sticking with me and for all the PM's and reviews! I love you all :D **

**Chapter 27: Explanations**

A little time passed, but not much changed. Everyone went back to ignoring Dan and Phil, the only difference being that's all they did. They just ignored them now. They didn't corner them, try and tell them they weren't good enough. They preferred this though. No one was really sure what to think about that moment of closeness, that bonding they all experienced after the incident. That moment where they were one huge family. Jake hadn't said anything about his role, the way he reacted. They didn't bring it up. It was great to know that everyone cared about each other, and that they were willing to help each other, but it was strange too. It just wouldn't feel comfortable; feel right, if they all suddenly acted like one big happy feeling. So instead, they fell into this state. School was different too. Everyone gave them a wide berth after they heard about the incident. They weren't sure whether this was because they were worried about getting involved in crime, if they didn't want to be seen near them, or if they were just plain scared. They didn't care either. A ll they ever wanted was for everyone to leave them alone, let them be happy, let them be themselves.

Dan was still paranoid, about something else happening and about Phil leaving. He felt like he should calm down, that he should try and fall back into 'normality'. After all that had happened, that was an abstract concept to Dan. Normality. He tried to settle back into what he thought was normal, but he struggled. He found himself looking around constantly, panicking whenever Phil wasn't with him. Whenever Phil was somewhere else, even if it was in the next room, Dan felt like he should text him, call him, make sure he was ok. Yeah, he was paranoid.

They were in Dan's bedroom, back in their space behind the curtains, when Phil's voice brought him out of his reverie. "Dan?" he asked quietly, watching the younger boy from above his sketchbook. He jumped slightly and turned his head to face Phil before replying quickly "Yeah?". Phil bit his lower lip, trying to think of the best way to say what he wanted to say. Dan studied him and he could feel the atmosphere tense. What did he want? Why was it taking him so long? Oh god, he was going to break up with him. Dan held his breath, trying not to show the panic on his face. The moment seemed to stretch forever, Dan's mind whirring, watching Phil's face, trying to work out what was going on in his head. Eventually, Phil decided to just ask. "What's wrong?" he inquired quietly, and he was sure he saw Dan release a silent breathe, before replying "What do you mean?". Phil fell silent again, trying to think of how to put his thoughts into words. "It's just, you've been acting… off lately. You just seem so tense, and well… protective. I was just wondering why." This time, it was Dan's turn to create a silence, but this one was more comfortable, natural. After a few minutes he sighed, before deciding to tell the truth. Well, as much of the truth as he thought he could get away with without upsetting Phil.

"I guess, I still feel… not scared. More… paranoid I think. I just find myself worrying about everything. I think I just sort of forget that everything's fine again and I worry too much. I've always been like that though. Even if I don't show it, I care about things too much." Phil smiled slightly, one corner of his mouth twitching upwards. He gently took Dan's hand in his and rubbed soothing circles on the back of his hand with his thumb. They sat like that for a few minutes before Phil shut his sketchbook with his free hand and leant backwards, closing his eyes. He whispered happily "You're right. Everything is fine. Sometimes I feel like it won't stay that way" This struck a chord with Dan, and he felt the stinging pressure of tears behind his eyes. He always worried that even if things were ok now, that would change. Things weren't going to be easy for them. Phil continued "but even if it gets bad again, I think we've proved we can get through it together. I just try to enjoy the good times while we're here." Dan smiled at him, even though he couldn't see, and replied gently "Yeah. I just need time." They both fell silent again, trying to savour the happy moment.

Eventually their moment had to end, and dinner passed quickly and uneventfully. Harry still stared at them, hissed things under his breath, but they found that after everything else, they truly did not care. A while later Dan and Phil had retired to Phil's room along with Oliver and Lucy. They seemed to have completely forgotten all about the attack, neither had mentioned anything about it since the day it happened. They both seemed like their normal, happy selves. It soon became obvious however, that they hadn't forgotten completely. They had both sat down happily in the corner as usual, and Dan and Phil were lying on the floor, sharing headphones to listen to a new band Phil liked. Dan was snuggled into Phil's side, his head on his chest, and their hands twisted together. Phil was humming under his breath, and Dan couldn't help but smile. Soon however, it was removed from his face by the innocent voice of Lucy.

"Dan? Phil? Why did those people hate you so much? Why does everyone treat you both different now?"

Dan automatically let go of Phil's and sat up a bit straighter. What were they meant to say? How were they meant to explain it? What did they want to hear? He was never good with kids on a normal basis, never mind with these sorts of discussions. Heck, he wasn't good with these sorts of discussions with anyone. He was mentally cursing his social awkwardness when Phil calmly sat up beside him and took his hand back, resorting to his silent comfort of rubbing shapes onto that back of his hand. Dan felt his muscles automatically relax, and he felt a rush of calmness flow through him. How did Phil do this? He tried to concentrate on what the blue eyed boy was saying.

"Luce, Oliver. Do you remember when Dan was talking about how everyone is different?" they both nodded solemnly, sensing the seriousness of the concentration from Phil's tone. "Well, some people don't understand that, and the only way they can think to react to different people is by being mean." How could he do this? How could he explain things so simply, so calmly? He continued, although he frowned slightly. "They have their opinions, and although that's ok, sometimes they show them in the wrong way. Well, some people do. Some of them just have violent tendencies and use their opinions as an excuse for their violence. You too know better though, and that's all that matters. You guys understand that people are different and that doesn't mean their bad and you should treat them like everyone else, with respect and kindness." They nodded again, and after a moment Oliver piped up curiously "What's different about you though? What don't they like?" Phil grinned and raised their intertwined hands before speaking. Dan felt his cheeks reddened, embarrassed by the fact he couldn't explain things, nowhere near as good as Phil. He was thankful though, he couldn't imagine having to do what Phil was doing. "Some girls like boys, like Jay and Luke." Dan smiled slightly at this, remembering the previous week when Jay had brought her boyfriend back. That's a loose interpretation. She actually tried to sneak him in, but was caught by Sarah. "Some boys like girls. Some girls like girls and some boys like boys, like me and Dan. Some people think that only boys and girls should date, like Jay and Luke. It doesn't matter though. No matter what you think, it's fine, you just have to be sensitive to other people, which those 'bad' people" he used Oliver's word for them "were not." He concluded.

Oliver seemed to consider this for a moment before pulling a disgusted face and saying determinedly "I don't like girls at all, apart from Lucy, but I wouldn't kiss her. I wouldn't kiss a boy either. I wouldn't kiss anyone, it's gross!" Phil smiled happily at him and replied "Stay like that for as long as you can!". Lucy giggled slightly, looking at their hands, before saying seriously "are you going out?" Dan nodded, giving her a small smile. She stuck her tongue out at him quickly before turning back to the cat teddy and singing to herself "Dan and Phil sitting in a tree…"

Phil turned to Dan and gave him a quick peck on the forehead, smiling. When Oliver and Lucy had fallen back into their game Dan whispered quietly "Thanks". Phil raised an eyebrow questioningly and Dan replied to the unspoken question. "For explaining. I couldn't have done it. How do you do it?" Phil smiled slightly and replied quietly "I probably couldn't have done it either, if it was anyone else. I just know how accepting Lucy and Oliver, especially at their age. They don't see things in the complicated ways everyone else sees things. The world's black and white to them. The good people, who are nice, and the bad people, who are mean. We complicate things when we get older. If people kept some of that childish mentality, the world would be a better place. Everyone would be a lot more accepting." Dan just grinned and squeezed Phil's hand in reply.


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N Hey guys! Sorry, I know I haven't uploaded in the last few days, but I have a geography exam tomorrow and I figured I should stop procrastinating and revise. Considering I'm here, you can guess how that went! At least my last exam is Friday and then DOBBY IS FREEEEEEEEE! So, yeah! If you guys have had exams recently, I share your pain and I hope they went well! If they didn't, then we can always just stay together and spend our lives writing fanfiction! Can't we?... Please? **

**Chapter 28: Defining moment **

There they sat, in Dave's office, both wondering what the hell was up now. At least they were in there together this time, so they'd be together in whichever punishment they were given for whatever they had done. They were waiting for Dave to finish, well, give up, on making Lucy do her homework without Dan. Dan turned to Phil, sighing dramatically before saying "Is it really too much to ask for an easy life?" Phil chuckled adorably, his tongue making an appearance. Of course he automatically brought his hand up to cover it, and Dan shook his head, smiling slightly. Then Dave walked in.

It was one of those moments where the whole atmosphere can change to mimic one person's mood. The air seemed to get heavier, the room more silent. Everything seemed to move slower, and it felt as though the walls were pressing in on them. Dan's breath caught in his throat, and he felt cold. After what seemed like an eternity Dave was sat opposite them on the other side of the desk. They stayed quiet for a long time, and Dan took in the expression Dave was wearing so clearly, not even trying to hide it. He didn't try to hide it because he didn't want to give them any false hope. Dan and Phil could both see the pain, the worry, the… regret in the newly created lines on his face. His eyes seemed slightly sad, but more hard than anything else. It reminded Dan of when Phil came out of that _place_, when he shut himself off, not wanting to feel anything, to seem weak. Dan's chest tightened at the memory. A deep silence settled in the room, but it was eventually broken by a deep sigh from Dave. Dan shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, taking Phil's hand gently in his, looking for some kind of comfort.

"So" Dave started, before falling quiet again. The lines in his face deepened in confusion, maybe a little anger towards himself. He hadn't meant to start it like that, so casual. He cleared his throat slightly before starting again the best way he could think to do it. He knew that no matter what he said, it wasn't going to be taken well, and he knew there was nothing he could do to make it better, but that didn't stop him from trying. "After… everything that's happened" he brushed over it, not wanting to remind them, not wanting to bring back bad memories. Not when new ones were about to be made. "Obviously the board had to get involved. Ask questions, judge." He sounded disgusted, and it was obvious he didn't agree. "They decided that something needed to be done. They don't feel like it's safe here anymore." He took a deep breath, he'd stalled long enough. "They're moving Dan to another care home. Well actually, it's an institution but…" he fell quiet, studying the two boys in front of him.

Dan stiffened in his chair and he saw Phil glance over at him, his worry clear in his piercing eyes. Those beautiful, sparkling eyes. Dan wanted to move, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure what he would have done if he could move if he was being honest. Run? Cry? Re-assure Phil and act like everything was ok? He felt the familiar, the ominous tightening of his chest and he tried to breathe. His longs felt as if they had turned to stone, hard, stiff and unmoving. He felt the feeling of weakness taking over him as his body started craving the oxygen, but all that happened was his chest continued to grow tighter and tighter and tighter….

He stood up quickly, a quick, short, sharp breath of air filling his gasping lungs. It wasn't enough, but there was nothing he could do about that. He was no longer in control. It felt as though he was outside, watching it happen. He could see how stiff his body was, he could see the rapid movement of his chest as he tried to breathe, he could hear the quick pants accompanied by the loud, rapid thumping of his heart. He still felt the sudden rush of anger through his body; he became aware of the shudders rolling over him as he tried to control himself. He was weak though, weaker than this state he had entered. He couldn't stop it. He'd never been able to. He was vaguely aware of a voice, Dave's, saying urgently "He's having an attack". He saw, as though looking through a thick mist, both of them leaping from their chairs, approaching him cautiously, hands raised. He was so weak, so tired, he couldn't hold his ground anymore. He released control, and fell into the cage he drew into whenever he had an attack.

He went from still and stiff, to shaking in a matter of seconds. Phil's heart was beating quickly, partly in response to the news they'd just been given and partly in panic at watching what was happening to Dan. Then he heard the words he'd been dreading.

"He's having and attack"

Next thing he knew, he was standing and Dave was next to him. Before they could do anything Dan became a being of sound and movement. Phil wasn't sure what they would have done anyway, but that didn't matter anymore. He watched, his mind blank with worry and panic, his heart rate increasing until it was a constant hum of movement. Dan's hands had been brought up quickly to hold his head, and his eyes were screwed shut as he yelled. "I'M NOT LEAVING! NO NO NONONONONO! You can't make me! I hate you! I hate everything! I WILL NOT LEAVE". Dave grabbed his arms quickly, holding them behind his back. Phil's panic was showing on his face, and Dave said quickly, trying and failing to reassure him "I don't want him to hurt himself." Then he left the room, pulling the struggling Dan with him. He was pulling, yanking, trying to throw Dave against the wall. Phil followed, his feet moving without even thinking about it. He was faintly aware of Dan's continued shouting, but he could no longer hear what he was saying. It was just a wall of noise, and his body became a blur of movement. The aggression was radiating off him. Suddenly he stopped, grasping his chest, and his eyes filled with pain and panic. It was his Dan back. Dave carried on leading him, and Phil realised quickly where they were going. He heard Dan's faint whispering "my chest, oh god, my chest. I can't breathe." Phil reached out and touched his arm cautiously, slightly worried that the other one would come back, and touched him gently on the arm. "I know Dan, I know." He whispered gently. Dan looked at him, desperation filling his eyes, and Phil watched as tears fell slowly and steadily from his eyes.

There was something else there to. His face was still slightly scrunched, as though he was experiencing pain that wasn't caused by his chest. It was as though he was fighting a battle that nobody could see. Phil realised quickly, he was trying to hold the _other _Dan back. He was trying to control himself. The thing that scared Phil was how hard he had to work to do it, and how scare the younger boy seemed to be. It broke his heart. He hated seeing Dan in any kind of pain, especially when he didn't know how to stop it, how to help. All of a sudden Dave was pushing him into the quiet room. Phil ducked in immediately, not giving Dave a chance to shut him out. Dave opened his mouth but before he could say anything, Phil turned to him with pleading eyes and a pleading voice.

"Please just let me help him calm down. Please."

Dan just shut his mouth and stood in the doorway, averting his eyes as if to say _I'm not here, I'm not seeing this. _Phil would have laughed if this wasn't such a serious situation. He'd never coped with serious situations well. He tended to ignore them, shove them to the back of his mind and pretend they weren't happening. He couldn't do that know though. So he turned back to Dan, who was slumped on the floor. He was sat with his legs crossed, leaning over, his hair hiding his face. Phil could see the sharp and quick rise and fall of his shoulder blades. He sat down quickly and placed a comforting arm around his shoulder. He quickly placed his free hand on his chest, after tilting his head up to look at him. He didn't know how he knew what to do, but he did. He stared into his eyes, and said in his most calm and comforting voice "Dan, follow me. Breathe like I breathe, ok? This is going to be fine. You are going to be fine; you just need to slow down a bit." Dan nodded slightly and Phil continued with this new found, totally random plan. It was probably completely wrong, and he would probably make things worse, but it was worth a shot. He took deep breathes, never moving his eyes from Dan's, and moved his hand on the younger boys chest in time with his slow, deep breaths.

It took a long time; at least it felt like that, but eventually he was breathing normally. Phil pulled him closer and said quietly "how're you feeling?" Dan thought for a moment before replying, voice hoarse "Ok I guess. My chest still hurts, but apart from that." He realised how bad his voice sounded, and then it hit him. He couldn't remember it very well. He must have shouted a hell of a lot though, his throat felt like something had been clawing at it, the raw pain was so bad. His heart still felt like it was placed in a tight clamp, but he could breathe again, which was better than panting. He couldn't relax his muscles, and he couldn't stop the slight shaking, but it was better than the complete attack he'd been experiencing earlier. _Phil saw him have an attack and he was still here. How did he even know what to do anyway? _ _He was the first person to ever be able to calm him down. _

Dan did the wrong thing, drawing into his mind, asking himself questions. What he should have been doing was relishing his time with Phil. He should have been focusing on the warmth of the older boy pressed against him, because all too quickly it was taken away. Dave walked in and pulled him up gently, saying "Phil, you have to leave him alone now." He could tell that Phil didn't want too, but they both knew there was no choice. Dan smiled sadly up at him, and he was soon stood in the doorway, returning the smile as the door closed. Then it hit him.

His time with Phil was numbered. He should have enjoyed his company, because he wouldn't have it for much longer.

_He was going to have to leave Phil. _

There was the sharp _click _of the lock, then nothing.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N GUYS! I only just realised I don't get an e-mail every time you review! OH NOES! So after I've written this chapter I'm going to go through them and reply to anyone I haven't replied to! I'm so sorry; you will all get your replies EVENTUALLY! I want to say thank you to the mysterious guest who likes to call themselves Savanna W, I really enjoy reading your reviews :D I seriously don't even know how many more chapters this is going to take, but you don't seem to mind, so YAY! Much love :3 And guys, I know this is overly angsty for Dan's birthday, I'm sorry! **

**Happy birthday Dan! We love you, although I wish you would stop aging! Seriously, can you guys imagine Dan and Phil properly old? Like grey a wrinkly? I just imagine them at like 70 years old still playing on the x-box :P **

**Chapter 29: Losing my mind **

_He was going to have to leave Phil. _

The realisation sunk in slowly, as though it knew it wasn't welcome. Dan brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, holding on tightly. It felt as though he was holding on for dear life, holding onto reality. It hurt, but the pain kept him sane. It stopped him from falling into the dark abyss that were thoughts of life without Phil. He held his knees close, putting pressure onto his still tight chest. He wasn't sure why, but the combination of pain and discomfort caused by the tightness in his chest was better than just the discomfort. He dug his fingernails into his leg, focusing on the pain. The dull ache in his chest, the sharp pain of his nails, the pounding of the coming headache in his temples.

_He was going to have to leave Phil _

It finished intruding his thoughts, it became fully present. Suddenly tears were spilling down his cheeks and soaking his jeans. His shoulders were shaking, and his whole body was beginning to ache. The pain didn't help anymore though; nothing could keep him where he was. He fell into the thoughts, his future. He remembered what life was like before, the mind straining aloneness. The constant small ache in his chest that was nothing compared to the roaring emptiness that was there now. He remembered the sleepless nights and the empty days. It wouldn't be like that again though, he knew. Back then, he hadn't known what he was missing. He hadn't known how happy he could be. He thought he'd be stuck like that forever, but he'd been proved wrong. That made it worse. He could have continued on like that, but not now. Not after Phil. It would be worse now.

He would be constantly craving, needing the comfort, the happiness that Phil brought him just by being in the same room. He'd fall into the past and be unable to leave. He wouldn't want to leave. Why would he? It was obvious that he would choose to stay in his happy memories than try to move on. To fall back in the routine of moving from home to home, hating school, the routine that had once been his life.

It wasn't just Phil either, although that was the biggest part. He was truly happy here. There was Lucy and Oliver, the feeling of joy they brought him as they smiled up at him. The feeling of pride at his achievements at school. He was starting to have a normal life, and he loved it. He had finally become comfortable with just existing, without questioning, without worrying. He had finally found somewhere where he belonged. He had believed, for the first time ever, that he had found somewhere to stay. He was happy thinking that he was going to stay here, that this place wouldn't become another in the long list of care homes. He had a home again, the first in a long time. No matter where they sent him, that wouldn't change. This would always be his home.

That's when the anger returned, strong and burning. They were taking him away from Phil and away from his home. His veins burned with the pure rage rushing through them, and he stood up quickly. His head spun slightly, but he didn't care. His chest hurt, it was getting worse, but he didn't care. The silence was suffocating, but he didn't care. He stumbled over to the wall, panting slightly, and raised his fist. The need to punch, too kick, not to hurt others, but to hurt himself, overcame him again. He punched the wall with all his strength, and quickly raised his other fist to do the same. He punched the wall over and over, yelling and screaming as he did so. He didn't even know what he was saying. His mind was overflowing with thoughts about Phil, his mum, the way nothing was ever going to go right for him.

The anger left as suddenly as it had arrived, and all he could feel was the pain in his knuckles. He kicked it, frustrated, and felt a sharp pain shoot through his toe. "Fuck" he murmured under his breath, before turning around and sliding down the wall. He stared into space for who knows how long, but was brought back by the pain in his knuckles. He glanced down, holding his hands out in front of him. His eyes widened as he saw the red contrasting his skin. The skin that stretched tightly over his knuckles was shredded and ruby blood was seeping from the wounds. He sighed and placed his hands gently in his lap before twisting slightly to look at the wall. Yep, it was covered in red streaks. How had he not noticed? Oh that's right, he did. He just hadn't cared. He slumped forward slightly, exhaustion finally taking over his body. He was still panting, but there was nothing he could do about it, so he tried to focus on other things.

That's when the silence hit him.

He was gasping for more air, his panting the only thing he could hear. It seemed out of place, wrong. The silence was pushing in on him, and this did not help him relax his breathing. It was pressing in, it felt like his ear drums were going to burst. He did all he could think to do. He started to sing.

_If I could find a way to see this straight_

_I'd run away _

_To some fortune that I should have found by now_

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down_

Of course he couldn't see things straight. He never had been able to, he was pathetic. Whenever anything got serious he had a stupid attack. It was obviously how he coped, because he was too much of a kid to work through his problems like… Phil. He'd found his fortune. Now he was being taken away from it.

_Life's too short to even care at all_

_I'm coming up now, coming up out of the blue _

_These zombies in the park, they're looking for my heart _

_A dark world aches for a splash of the sun._

He hated that expression. _Life's too short. _Life was long and unforgiving, and caring was all it was filled with. Caring about people, which lead to pain. Caring about what people said. More pain. Life was long and full of caring, full of pain. Those idiots in the park, they caused this. If they had just left them alone, Dan would be happy and have something to look forward to. They took his heart and destroyed it. The world was a truly dark place, with very few people like Phil out there to act like splashes of sun. His voice, which had swelled to fill the room, which had destroyed the silence and the pressure along with it for a short while, died in his throat. The room did not fall back into silence however. It swelled with the sound of his gut-wrenching sobs.

He had no clue how long he was in there, but his sobs did not stop. He was still shaking, panting and sobbing when the door swung open. He'd been crying so loudly that he didn't even hear the door being unlocked. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed by warmth and he was being held tightly, the smell of peppermint and chocolate bring him back slightly. Phil was holding him tightly and Dan whispered into his hair "My heart is mangled." He wasn't sure what made him say it and he didn't get a chance to think about why before Phil replied "I still want it. It's too beautiful to be abandoned. We'll fix it." He pulled away and his jacket accidently brushed against his hands, causing Dan to wince slightly. Phil glanced down and Dan watched as sadness sprung into his eyes. He gently took one of Dan's hands in his and whispered "What did you do to yourself?" Dan didn't awnser, just flicked his eyes in the direction of the wall. Phil saw the blood streaks, and it didn't take him long to piece it together. He helped him stand gently and then they both faced Dave, who was stood awkwardly in the doorway. Before they could say anything, Dave was talking, pleading "Guys, if there was anything I could do to fix this, I would. I tried convincing them, but they won't listen. It's up to the higher powers." Dan chuckled quietly and said weakly "Sounds like you're talking about something from buffy." Phil giggled slightly too while helping Dan out the room and whispered creepily "Ohhhh, the master!".

A long while later they were slumped in a hallway, holding hands in silence. Dan was slightly annoyed that he couldn't feel the warmth of Phil's skin on his because of the stupid bandages on his hands, but he was pulled out of these thoughts by Phil asking gently "Do you want to talk about it?". Dan stayed quiet for a while, before whispering

_I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control. _

Phil smiled slightly and replied "I pretty sure we both lost our minds a long time ago".


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N Hey guys! I think I've replied to all your reviews now, if I've somehow missed you feel free to rant in the reviews, or PM me yourself: D Do you guys know that some of you have the coolest usernames ever? Not really surprising though, considering how creative you all are" Seriously, these usernames would make Dan and Phil proud to be our leaders :3 **

**Chapter 30: Let's play pretend **

Dan sat in the garden with Phil, using the older boy for support by leaning heavily on him. He couldn't speak; he was too busy replaying the moment in his head.

_Jake wandered into the living room, holding a large, official looking envelope. He headed straight over to Dan and Phil, who were meant to be doing homework, but were instead just staring at each other. He cleared his throat slightly before saying awkwardly "Urm, Dan? This is for you." He chucked the envelope at him, and it fell heavily into his lap. He spun around quickly and left the room, but Dan could have sworn he'd looked at him almost… pityingly. It was the day after Dan had 'the quiet room experience' and everyone knew that Dan had to leave, mainly from his shouting. He sighed, and glanced down at the envelope on his lap, the clinical white contrasting with the black of his jeans, reminding him of the contrast of Phil's pale skin and dark hair. He probably should have been curious, but he honestly didn't have it in him anymore. He just stared at it for a moment, feeling Phil's eyes burning into the side of his head, but he couldn't see the older boy because his stupid hair had flopped across his eyes again. He flicked it away, irritated, and threw a quick glance at Phil before ripping open the envelope and starting to read. _

_Dear Daniel Howell_

_Due to your connections in the many incidents that have come to pass at Greenridge children's home it has been decided that you shall be relocated to a new location. We have found a place for you at an institution we think is well suited to your needs. It has been decided that you shall not know the name or location of this institution until you arrive. _

_The institution is designed for troubled young people that suffer from mental illnesses. You will have to stay in this institution until you reach the age of 16, when you will then be evaluated and any further decisions will be made. The staff are well trained in how to cope with mental illnesses and are able to provide medical care. You will be given more information when you arrive. _

_You will be collected from your current place of residence at 2:00 PM on Friday 17__th__ April. You will need to be packed and ready to leave by this time. When you arrive at the institution your belonging will be searched, and any other protocols will be carried out. _

_Ian Evans _

_Head of the board of Full time care for young people _

Phil had watched the younger boy's eyes scan the paper in front of him, and he saw the faint tremble of the paper as his hands began to shake. He wordlessly helped they younger boy up and led him outside, he knew Dan wouldn't want to be watched while he processed whatever the letter said.

Dan shook his head slightly, dispelling the memory. He needed to focus on what it meant. He glanced back at the paper to find that he had screwed it up, and was holding it in fist. He loosened his hand slightly, and stared at the wrinkled paper in his hand as though it was an alien species. He studied it for a while, but was distracted by the gentle pressure on his hand. He glanced into the deep pools of sparkling colour that were Phil's eyes, and chocked out "Two days. I leave in two days Phil." Phil didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. He just placed an arm around Dan and pulled him closer, nuzzling into his smooth hair. There was a long silence. It was comfortable, but there were underlying tones of sadness, desperation. The silence was eventually disturbed by Dan's shaky voice asking "What are we going to do?"

Phil had never heard him sound so helpless. Dan was the confident one, the one who always had a plan, who knew what to do. Phil thought for a moment before replying "Run away?". Even he could he how unsure he sounded. He watched as Dan shook his head almost instantly replying "Been there, done that. They'd find us and send me away." Phil sighed, his warm breath soothing on the back of Dan's neck. Dan chuckled slightly and squirmed before protesting "Don't violate my neck!" He could sense Phil's smile, and he felt a grin spread across his face. They fell back into the silence, both thinking hard. Dan knew there was nothing they could do though. They couldn't run, and there's no way they would listen to their protests.

After a long time, Dan sighed, deciding to resort to his back up. "Hey, Phil?" he asked, and the blue eye boy hummed in reply. "Can we just… play pretend? Just act like it's not happening? There's nothing we can do about it, and I think I just want to enjoy my last days with you." Phil lifted his head and Dan turned quickly to look at him. A single tear was sliding down Phil's perfect pale skin, but he smiled at Dan, before replying hoarsely "Yeah. It's only three weeks anyway. Three weeks and I'll be out, and I can come find you." Dan smiled sadly and replied, voice straining with the effort of holding back the tears he could feel welling in his eyes "I don't want to go three weeks without you." 

Phil pulled him in to a tight embrace as more tears spilled down his face, and he whispered "Me neither."

They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other. The sky began to darken, and one of their few remaining days came to an end. 


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N Hey! Did you miss me? Longest two days ever! Sorry, I was doing a fundraiser today, so on Friday I was baking like a gazillion cakes and biscuits and today I was selling them and running the raffle thing :D And yes, my social awkwardness did make an appearance, of course *yay* but it's over now. I WON A MICROWAVEABLE DINOSAUR! I can't microwave it because my microwave is broken (I can't cook, so I am determined to get a new one as quickly as possible so I can stop living off crisps), but I decided to name him Sir Jeffery Phillip Daniel, don't judge me ok? Well, as always I hope you like this chapter and I would like to say thank you to the guest reviewer who calls themselves sarathellama (awesome name) and I think you'd be sick of me if it was 200 chapters! Thanks anyway :3 **

**Chapter 31: Our first and last night **

Dan sat on the edge of his bed, holding his head in his hands and trying not to scream. He didn't want to go. He hated how he had no choice in anything that happened to him. He didn't get to choose what happened to his mum, he didn't get to choose the places he ended up trapped in and he didn't get to choose who was in charge of his adolescent life. He certainly didn't get to choose whether he went to this _institute. _He thought he'd experienced all the stupid care system had to offer, but nope, no _institutes. _One of the few things he got to choose, who he cared for, who he dated, who he spent his time with… that was being taken from him as well. He grabbed his pillow and screamed loudly into it, no longer caring if he woke anyone up. He'd be gone soon anyway.

This was his last night at home.

Why? Why didn't he have any say in his own life? He just wanted to be normal, to have a _normal life. _

_No he didn't. If he had a normal life, he wouldn't have met Phil. _

If he hadn't met Phil, he wouldn't be hurting so much right now. If he hadn't met Phil, his heart wouldn't feel like it was being ripped in two because he was being forced to leave the dark haired boy.

_Doesn't matter. _

He knew he wouldn't change it. He'd rather have some happy memories to cling onto with Phil than to never have met him. He would rather have Phil, even for only a little while, than have a normal life. He sighed, and threw his pillow against the wall. It connected with a dull thunk and slid to the floor. He felt a few stray tears, ones he couldn't hold back, slide down his face. He wiped them away with his sleeve quickly, and scolded himself. He'd done so well these last few days. He had gone on like normal, acted like nothing was wrong. He'd had movie marathons with Phil, met up with him on lunchtimes, laughed and talked and almost been happy. Almost. He hadn't been though, because he couldn't lie to himself. It was always there in the back of his mind. He could hear it, like a countdown. 36 hours left. 27 hours left. He had started to panic when it reached 24 hours, and his heart had broken around 16 hours.

It was almost audible, and he certainly felt it. It ripped in two and two again, and continued until his chest was hollow. When it was hollow, it didn't become numb like it should. It just became a dull ache that never left. It was still there now, taunting him. 12 hours.

He heard the door slowly creak open, and after wiping his eyes quickly again, he turned to face it. Dave was stood there, a nervous smile on his face. He glanced quickly at Dan and then over at the pillow slumped by the wall. He came in slowly, cautiously, and when Dan said nothing, he lowered himself gently onto the bed. Dan said irritated "I'm not having an attack." Dave chuckled slightly and replied quietly "That's good, because that was one of the most terrifying things I ever witnessed, but I didn't think you were. Just because you're 'troubled kids'" he said this with his eyebrows raised, and Dan threw him a grateful smile "doesn't mean you're crazy. You can feel normal emotions without having attacks." Dan sat there in silence for a moment before whispering dejectedly "I don't want to leave." He sounded like a little kid. He sounded like his younger self after being told his mother had died and he had to go with those two strangers. _I don't want to leave. _

_Well to bad Dan, nobody cares about what you want. _

Dave replied sadly "I know, and we don't want you to go. Believe it or not Dan, we actually really enjoyed having you here. I'm going to miss you, and no matter what people say, you and Phil are both good kids. None of this is your fault. Sometimes we just have to make the best of what we're given and when you get the chance, Dan, you prove them wrong. Look at me. I'm proof you can break the boundaries that life puts on you. Phil's proof you can destroy the judgements people make. Look at his dad, and look at him. He is one of the nicest people I will ever meet." Dan smiled and nodded, but Dave continued. "Make the best of it, ok? There's not point in spending your whole life miserable." He stood up, grinning at Dan, and walked towards the door. Just before he left he turned around and said "Do you want me to tell you one of the best feelings in life?" Dan just nodded, face serious.

"Being able to look back and think about all the people that thought you'd never amount to anything, who thought you were just a trouble maker, and know you proved them wrong."

Dan thought about what Dave had said for a while. He wanted to make the most of everything, he just didn't see how to anymore. He was tired of everything. How was he meant to make the best of this? It would never be as good as his time here, so what was the point? He was determined though. He wanted to experience that feeling, to break the boundaries. Right now though, he was just going to break a small one.

He soon found himself outside Phil's room, knocking gently on the door. He heard a faint mumble and took it as an invitation, so opened the door quietly. "Phil, it's me. I'm sorry for waking you up" Phil sighed slightly, and in the dark Dan saw him motion to come in and shut the door. He did just that, and when he turned around Phil said clearly "I was awake. Did you really think I'd be able to sleep tonight?" Dan didn't reply, just walked closer to the faint outline that was Phil in the bed. He saw the outline shift slightly and heard Phil say quietly "We better whisper, or Harry will be in here. Come here." The covers rose and Dan climbed under them, thankful that Phil wouldn't see him blush in the dark. "You're blushing" the older boy chuckled and Dan exclaimed quietly "How do you know?". Phil reached out, pulling him closer, and whispering "because you're you." Dan shook his head slightly and rested his head next to Phil's on the pillow. He felt better, still worried, scared, but better. It was the comforting smell of mint and strawberries, of chocolate and just… pureness that enveloped him. The smell of Phil. Quickly the skinny arms of the older boy wrapped around his waist, and Dan sighed at the touch. He heard Phil chuckle slightly, and determined not to be the only one embarrassed he said teasingly "Still using Zeenas strawberry shampoo I see." Phil whined "heeeyyy it smells nice!" and Dan giggled replying "yup."

After a comfortable silence Phil started to rub comforting circles on his lower back, and Dan smiled before whispering "I wish we could just freeze this moment. I don't want to leave tomorrow." Phil sighed, and much to Dan's panic, when he spoke it sounded like he was about to cry. "I wish. I wish we could stay like this without worrying about you leaving, or me leaving, or other people. Nothing seems to work out for us, does it?" Dan sighed and whispered "I know, I wish we could just have normal lives. OK, obviously we wouldn't be completely normal, because… well we're us. I'm just sick of always having to fight." Phil stayed silent for a moment before whispering "It'd be boring. Normalness leads to sadness." Dan chuckled slightly, that was such a typical Phil thing to say. They fell silent, just embracing. At some point tears started to slide silently down both of their cheeks , but all they did was hold each other tighter, Phil still rubbing soothing circles on Dan's back.

All they could think was _this is our first night together. _

Neither of them slept that night, but throughout the whole night both could feel the other staring into their eyes. They were both trying to take in as much as they could, to savour the moment. They were determined to hold onto this until they saw each other again. Eventually the room was tinged red as the sun rose, but they did not move. A few hours later they heard movement, and they both sighed, knowing their time was almost over. Dan whispered quietly "You rarely blink, do you know that?" Phil giggled slightly nodding his head. He gave Dan a quick peck on the lips and rested his fore head against the younger boys. After a long silence he whispered, his voice hoarse from the silent crying throughout the night "I love you."

It hit Dan quickly. That was the first time either of them had said that. Sure, they'd talked about love, but it was in the abstract. It was a thing neither of them had felt in a while, and to most children in the places, it became a cherished, important and rare thing. It hit him soon after that he loved Phil. He didn't like him, fancy him. He loved him. It made him feel excited and proud. In that moment, it washed away all the fears about what was become. All that mattered was he loved Phil and Phil loved him back.

"I love you too, no matter what."  
About half an hour later there was a faint knock on the door, and Jakes voice called through "I heard Dan come in last night, it's time for breakfast you guys." He paused and then said, slightly quieter "Do you want me to get them to bring some food up?" Dan shook his head quickly, and then realised Jake couldn't see him. He called "No thanks, we'll be down in a bit." He sat up and ran a hand through his hair, groaning inwardly. It was sticking up all over the place and… ugh… it had somehow managed to curl over night. There was no way he was leaving the room like this; he would have to borrow Phil's straighteners. Phil saw the look of utter disgust on his face and giggled before teasing "Awwww, you have the most adorable bed hair." They heard a faint chuckle from outside the room and then Jake said jokingly "As long as it's not sex hair." They heard his footsteps as he walked away, and they both burst out laughing, rolling around on Phil's bed, clutching their sides.

It seemed like Jake was starting to break a few boundaries too.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32: Leaving **

After Dan had finally stopped fussing with his hair, both the boys headed downstairs. They were sat in their usual seats at the table, both with an untouched bowl of cereal in front of them. Dan shuffled uncomfortably in his seat and Phil glanced over at him, smiling sympathetically. He knew what was wrong. Almost everyone was watching them out of the corner of their eyes, and Dan never had been one to enjoy attention. He'd prefer people to just leave them alone, especially on a day like this. He found it harder to pretend it wasn't happening, to push it to the back of his mind, with everyone watching. He sighed and pushed his bowl away before standing up, but before he could walk away Phil caught his hand. He stood up quickly, and they both walked into the living room and slumped on the couch, hands intertwined. Dan rested his head on Phil's shoulder and closed his eyes, wanting to block it all out. He wished they had run away, even though he knew they would have found them. They just played make believe, but they couldn't do it anymore. It made it harder. He could have learnt to accept it, even just a little bit, but he didn't. Now he was facing up to one of the worst things in his life, with no idea what to do.

Soon after everyone filed into the living room on their way to school, and Dan felt the eyes staring at him again. He shuddered slightly but opened his eyes, finding Lucy and Oliver's confused expressions. Dan and Phil had decided not to tell them what was happening, it would just upset them. Lucy's quiet voice piped up "Why aren't you going to school today Dan?" Dan didn't know where the awnser came from, but he smiled reassuringly and replied "They decided to give me a day off to revise." Oliver pouted slightly and mumbled something about it not being fair, and Dan chuckled. Phil stayed silent throughout the exchange, and Dan could feel the tension radiating from him. "Hey" Dan said quickly "why don't you two race to the minibus?" The kids laughed and shot out of the room, their footsteps pounding to the front door. He felt Phil squeeze his hand in thanks, and he smiled slightly. Everyone else left the room silently, until only Jake and Zeena were left. Jake just gave them both a quick nod and said awkwardly "see you Dan" before following the others. Zeena took a few shy steps forward and stretched out her hand, which Dan took. They didn't shake, just stayed like that for a few moments. "I'm sorry Dan, I hope the place isn't too bad." She whispered, and Dan just nodded. She dropped his hand and turned to leave, but Dan quickly untangled himself from Phil and stood up, placing a hand gently on her shoulder. She spun back around slowly and Dan said, sounding slightly choked "Thanks." She nodded, but before she could turn again, Dan spoke, too low for Phil to hear. "Keep an eye on him for me?" he asked, not removing his hand from her shoulder. She nodded again and threw him a sad smile before leaving. Dan slumped back on the sofa and quickly returned his hand to Phil's, desperate for the contact. He was going to enjoy this time with Phil, and he needed to memorise everything, how it felt to hold his hand, how his steady breathing had such a calming effect.

The peace was shattered quickly when Harry walked into the room. He glanced over at the two, and a dark look quickly fell over his face. His eyes hardened and darkened, his lips turned down slightly and his shoulders straightened. "Phil" he barked "Go to school". Phil kept silent and just shook his head disbelievingly. Harry raised an eyebrow and growled " ." Before Dan could do anything, Phil was already standing, back straight and shoulders broad, staring Harry in the face. "Do you seriously think" he said quietly, menacingly "that I am going to leave HIM on this day? I am going to spend it with him, and I am going to support him." He raised his voice until he was roaring "AND THERE IS NOTHING ON THIS EARTH YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT." Dan stood up, a look of pure shock on his face, and stepped towards Phil. Dave ran in and seemed to assess the situation in milliseconds. He turned to Harry and hissed "Just drop it, ok? He doesn't have to go in today." Harry just shook his head and stormed towards the doorway, but not before sneering at them and hissing venomously "Disgusting."

Soon after, they were alone again, and Dan was just holding Phil in his arms as they rocked on the spot. After a while, Phil pulled away and smiled sadly at Dan, who whispered "It's ok to stand up for yourself, especially against twats like that." Phil stuck his tongue out and replied "I know. Doesn't make it any easier though." Dan tried to diffuse the situation by replying "You sound like a lion when you shout." Phil chuckled slightly and exclaimed "Lions!" They fell silent for a few seconds and then Phil spoke again. "I just need to sort something out; I'll be back in a bit ok?" Dan just nodded and Phil left the room. Perfect. Dan had something he needed to do.

It was about half an hour later when they were both back in the living room, pressed together under a blanket, just staring. Eventually Phil asked quietly "Are we still pretending this isn't happening?" but Dan just shook his head in reply. They fell back into silence, which was broken by Dan whispering "I don't know what I want to do, but I don't want to pretend." Phil nodded, swallowing back his tears. He was not going to cry. He refused to make this harder for Dan. "Hey Phil?" Dan asked, and Phil nodded, not wanting to speak. "Can I see your sketchbook?" Phil's first reaction was to say no, but then he realised he wouldn't see Dan in a while. Sure, it might be embarrassing, but how could he deny Dan that small thing. There were so many other things he would do, much worse things, if it would make Dan happy. There was nothing he wouldn't do to make him happy now. "Yeah" he said, surprised at how steady his voice sounded. Dan's face broke into a grin, his famous dimples making an appearance. Of course this made Phil smile and he quickly brought up his hand to cover his tongue. Dan pulled it down gently and whispered softly "Don't, just for today." Phil nodded and gave him a quick smile before leading Dan up to his room.

They walked in, and Phil had a weird feeling. He wasn't sure what it was, it just felt different, like someone had been in here. He scanned the room, but nothing looked different, so he shrugged it off quickly. He walked over to his chest of drawers and knelt down, sliding the sketchbook out from underneath it. He stood up, taking a deep breath and turning to face Dan who had taken a seat on his bed. He clutched the sketchbook tightly to his chest, feeling the rough leather underneath his fingers. He took another deep breath before saying "Look, Dan. I started this when I first came here, so…" his voice died in his throat. Dan nodded, smiling comfortingly, before gently sliding the sketchbook out of his arms. Phil sighed and slumped next to him on the bed, resting his head on his shoulder.

Dan flicked the book open, and felt a sharp pain in his chest when he saw the first drawing. It was a rough charcoal sketch, drawn with quick, thick, harsh lines. It showed a head and neck, but the normality stopped there. The head had two faces, both facing opposite directions, both screaming. One seemed to be screaming in pure anger and frustration, whereas the other seemed to be screaming in sadness, desperation. The background was full of scribbles, but Dan was sure he could make out strange shapes in those scribbles. Broken bottles and huddled shapes. He placed the book on his lap so he could wrap one arm tightly around Phil and turn the page with his free hand. The next sketch was of a small boy huddled in the corner. This was only a small part of the picture however; it was drawn as though you were watching the boy through a key hole. Dan turned the page quickly, very aware of the shaking body next to him. He glanced quickly over to him, and saw he was staring into space. The next drawing was of a silhouette, looking small in front of the giant drawing of the front of the care home. There were shadows lurching in from all sides, twisted arms reaching out to touch him. Dan turned the page quickly, swallowing. There was a sketch of a curly haired boy leaning against a wall, a guitar resting on his knees. Dan smiled slightly and nudged Phil, whispering "Who's that?" Phil glanced over and a small smile crossed his lips and he replied quietly "PJ". Dan smiled at him and then turned his attention back to the sketchbook. He turned the page to see another drawing, this time of Oliver and Lucy, grinning widely as they tried to cross the monkey bars, Sarah looking worried in the background.

The next sketch was the back of the curly haired boy as he walked into a hazy blue. The floor behind him was completely black, the only light the boys white shadow. Stuck to the corner of the drawing, making the page slightly thicker, was a piece of ripped up letter. The writing was slightly smudged, and the paper had started to yellow with age, but Dan could still read parts.

_Leaving_

_You'll be fine_

_Visit _

_Call everyday _

_Miss you _

_Good luck_

Dan shook his head, glanced over at Phil who had resumed his staring, eyes misty, and turned the page quickly.

There were a few more sketches of Oliver and Lucy, doing everyday things, watching TV, eating dinner. There was one of Oliver peeking his head round a door, spying on the people inside, and another of Lucy playing with the cat. It looked the same as the plush toy she played with, but Phil had brought it to life, turned it into a real, living and breathing cat. There was a colourful painting of Phil, Dave, Oliver and Lucy all grinning, cat whiskers drawn on their faces. Written in bright ink at the top of the page were the words

_Normalness leads to sadness _

Followed by the date and names of everyone in the drawing. When Dan turned the page, a huge grin on his face, he found the photo taped to the back of the page. He chuckled slightly and said "I wish I wasn't leaving; now I'll never get to tease Dave about having cat whiskers on his face!" He heard Phil chuckle weakly beside him. The next drawing widened the smile Dan was wearing. It was of a tall, lanky boy stood by the front door, leaning slightly against his suitcase, his face obscured by his fringe. Written above the drawing were the words _Daniel Howell. _The style of the drawings started to change after that. They became even more colourful, and were drawn in a more amine style. There were drawings of him watching the tv, him helping Lucy with her homework, him with wide eyes as ice was poured down his back. One that caught his eye was him slumped in his alcove, eyes gazing into the distance, earphones in his ears. He looked almost… magical. He smiled and pulled Phil closer, so their sides moulded together. He turned to the last sketch, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to hold back the tears that were threatening to overflow. It was similar to the last drawing of PJ, but there were a few differences. Dan was walking into a haze of blue and red, and he had one hand outstretched to the side. He was holding hands with a white space that made the silhouette of another person; Dan assumed it was meant to be Phil. There was one small detail that stopped the tears that made him smile instead. In the drawing, his pants were sagging. That small detail, the thing that always made Phil smile, the thing Phil used to tease him.

"Why haven't you drawn yourself properly?" he whispered into Phil's hair, and felt the boy shift a little beneath him. He heard a faint sigh, and then Phil replied "I hope it's me, but it might not be. You might find someone else before I find you again. You might share your future with them." Dan laughed loudly, causing Phil to stare at him, hurt and worry not hidden in his eyes. He couldn't believe that Phil was worrying about _that. _He didn't need to worry; Dan was the one who needed to worry. Worry about Phil finding someone else, or just deciding Dan wasn't worth the time. _The hassle. _It took him a moment to come back to his senses, but when he did, he saw Phil averting his eyes to the floor and he had pulled away slightly. Dan quickly pulled him back and gently placed a finger under his chin, tilting it up so he was looking him in the eye. Phil closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them again he whispered "Why'd you laugh?", and then he averted his eyes again, so he was looking over Dan's shoulder. "Hey" Dan whispered, smiling, "I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing because you thought I'd leave you! As if I'd find someone else. Even if I found someone who would have me, they'd never match up to the perfection that was Phillip Lester" he cringed slightly, realising how corny that sounded. "Anyway, you're the one that'll find someone else. Even if you don't, when you live without me, you'll realise I'm not worth all the trouble. I'm not worth all the fights and the bullying and the arguments. You'll realise you don't need me."

Phil's eyes widened and he looked Dan in the eyes again, this time not shying away from the intensity. "If I realised that" he whispered hoarsely "I'd be wrong. I'm sure you'll find plenty of people who are much better than me, who would love to date you. I found out a long time ago that I'm not worth being loved and I can't believe I was given you. Even if I lose you, at least I had you. You were worth everything and more, and none of the trouble was your fault anyways." He couldn't continue because he was pulled into a tight embrace, but he wasn't complaining. He wasn't sure what he'd have said anyway. He still wasn't sure where that had come from. He felt a slight tickle as Dan whispered into his ear "You are worth love, you always have been, and you always will be. I can't believe I got the chance to love you, and I'm never gonna stop. I promise I'll wait for you." Phil smiled and felt a quick shiver travel down his spine, but he ignored it has he whispered into Dan's hair "I promise I'll find you. 3 weeks and I'll see you again, ok?"

They had just finished lugging Dan's suitcase down the stairs, and now they were leaning on each other for support as they panted. "Never…again" Dan gasped "I think I'm going to have a heart attack." Phil stayed silent for a moment, before turning around and pretending to bang his head on the wall. "What?" Dan asked, still slightly out of breath. "We could have used the elevator!" Phil exclaimed. Dan stared at him for a moment, before bursting into exhausted peals of laughter. They dumped the suitcase by the front door and then wandered into the living room. As they sat down, Dan glanced at the clock, and wished he didn't. He had finally managed to stop that stupid countdown in his head, but now it was back. _10 minutes. _He shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts, then turned to Phil. He gently took both his hands in his, holding them tightly. "I love you" he whispered and Phil smiled widely. "I love you to, you big softy." Dan stuck his tongue out and wiggled it, eye brows raised. Phil giggled and began to raise his hands, but felt Dan's grip tighten on them, and he lowered them again.

That's when they heard a knock on the door.

All of a sudden, Dave was stood in the doorway, and he wasn't alone. There were two men stood next to him, in black uniforms and sunglasses. Dan opened his mouth to say something about the cliché, but then he remembered the situation. These were the people that had come to take him away. They were both large and well built. One had longish brown hair, and the other had extremely short, blonde hair. Dan felt his chest constrict and his throat tighten. He was leaving, he was really leaving. He didn't remember moving, but he and Phil were standing up, wrapping their arms around each other. He was shaking slightly, and he felt moisture dripping down his cheeks. His breath was catching in his throat and his hands were clutching Phil so tight his knuckles were pure white. He could hear faint talking in the background, but he couldn't bring himself to listen, to understand what they were saying. He pulled another loud breath of oxygen into his lungs, his head spinning slightly. He heard the faint words "Time to go" and tried to let go, he really did. But he couldn't. He couldn't make his hands loosen their grip, he couldn't peel his body away from Phil's, and he couldn't remove his head from his shoulder. Then he felt a strong grip on the back of his shirt. He heard a faint whisper, and he realised it was him, he was whispering, over and over.

"Please don't make me leave."

_Please don't make him leave. _Phil could feel the warm, stable body of the Dan pressed to his chest, and he could feel the hands gripping his back so tightly it felt like they were stuck there permanently. He was so solid, so there, it was unimaginable that he wouldn't be there forever. There were the slight signs though, that things weren't right. Phil could feel the dampness on his shoulder. Dan was crying. He could feel the younger boy shaking slightly in his arms, and hear his shallow breaths. Phil was determined he was going to be strong, that he wouldn't break down in front of Dan. He had realised earlier, while watching Dan slumped on the sofa, that this boy had always been the strong one. His whole life, he'd been strong, coped with things nobody should have to cope with this young. He never let it stop him. He carried on, no matter how much pain he was in, or how much pressure he was under. He was so much better than everyone else and he proved it every day. Whether it was looking after his mum, or standing up to people, or just working hard to catch up in school, he had proved he was better than everyone. He was determined that he would not add another stroke of pain to his life; he was going to be strong. He was going to be strong so Dan didn't have to be. He leant forward and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and then he was suddenly yanked away.

Phil was shocked by the sudden absence, but he managed to grab Dan's hand. He stared at him, and he had to put even more effort into staying strong. Dan was crying silently. Huge, clear tears sliding down his red face, following the contours of his face. Travelling down the curve of his cheeks, catching on the corners of his lips. He looked completely broken, and Phil could understand why. There's only so much one person can take. Phil tried to smile, but even he knew it looked more like a painful grimace. He whispered, staring into Dan's eyes, trying to ignore the redness that surrounded them, "I love you. It's only three weeks, and then I'll be with you again, ok? I promise."

Dan clung to Phil's hand, no longer trying to stop the flow of tears. What was the point? He'd held in all his pain for far too long. He couldn't stop the tears, but that was the only satisfaction this people would get. His tears. He would never show them what was going on in his head, the pain that had increased by tenfold when they had pulled him away. "I love you too" he whispered, his voice shaky. Then the pressure one again increased on his t-shirt, and he had just enough time to give Phil's hand a tight squeeze before he was pulled harshly away again. His hand slipped out of Phil's, and then he was being propelled along the corridor. He saw one of the men grab his bag, and then the cold air hit him. They were outside, and there was a car waiting at the bottom of the stairs, doors already open. He stumbled down the steps, the two men still breathing on his neck, and he was shoved roughly into the car. Dan managed to catch a quick glimpse of Phil and Dave stood in the doorway before the door was slammed shut. They were driving away, and Dan craned his neck to see Dave and Phil waving, and as they got further away, Dan could still see Phil leaning on Dave for support. Then they turned the corner and they were no longer in sight.

Phil leant on Dave as he waved no longer trying to smile. He was biting his lip, hard, trying to stop the tears. _Just a few more seconds._ The car disappeared around the corner, and Phil suddenly felt hollow. He'd do anything to have Dan back here. He didn't even realised he'd run forward until Dave grabbed his arm, and then he started to struggle. He was lurching forward, swinging his arms, tears darting down his face as he sobbed loudly, trying to break free. "I need.. I need to go… I have to go get him. Let go of me! I have to stop them.. I have to.. I have to bring him back" he babbled incoherently as he tried to break free. As quickly as he had started, he stopped. He just stood still, felt Dave let go of him, heard the door shut. He half sat, half collapsed on the top step. He didn't try to wipe away the tears, just held his knees as he whispered into the still air

"Goodbye" 

**A/N Sorry guys, I know it's been long! I promise I have a good reason though! I have lit-ra-lly, I kid you not, been working on this chapter since the night I uploaded the last chapter. It took me that long to write this. I don't know why, because I knew exactly what I wanted to happen, so it wasn't writers block or anything, I just sort of struggled to write it. I didn't feel like I was doing it justice. I'm finally happy with it though, so I hope you guys like it. This Saturday I'm going to a wedding reception and staying in a hotel (for the first time ever!) and they have wi-fi, so I'll try to write and upload from a hotel! I'm really excited :3 I've also started a blog! All the details are on my profile, along with a link to it, so you can check that out :P I should be updating it Sunday/Monday about my hotel experience, so yay! It's basically a chance for you guys to laugh at everything that happens to me, and a lot seems to happen to me, so yeah. Thanks for all the reviews and support, I seriously love you guys! Free cookie dough or placenta ice cream for everyone! **


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N Hey guys! Sorry I didn't upload earlier, turns out I had like no spare time while I was at the hotel. I sung Valerie at a packed wedding reception… I honestly do not know what came over me, and I hope it never comes over me again, although it was quite fun. Someone told me at breakfast the next day that I should go on Britain's got talent, so I'm certain they were still drunk from the night before :P Anyway, I've planned the rest of the story out chapter by chapter, and I'm thinking it's going to be another 27 CHAPTERS! I don't even… how? I used to write like 3 chapter stories, and if anything was more than that I got bored and never finished it! I don't know what this website has done, but I'm writing like novels! So yeah, don't worry guys, you're not losing me anytime soon! Yay! Also, I'd like to say thank you to gemstone for the review, and don't worry! I thought about the two guys from Lilo and stitch, so yeah. I'd like to say thanks to DannnandPhilll as well, seriously, you make my day :D **

**Chapter 33: He's gone **

Phil sat on the step, the cold working its way through his body as he cried. Tears spurted down his cheeks and his body shook with his loud sobs. Every now and then he felt a presence behind him, but Dave never spoke. He just let him cry. Eventually his tears slowed, and his sobs disappeared, leaving silence behind them. Phil curled up tighter as he tried to control his breathing. He finally began to feel the cold, but he didn't care. He couldn't bring himself to go back inside, to see all the places Dan had once sat. He didn't want to at the table, an empty seat next to him. He didn't want to watch as they painted over Dan's walls again, ready for the next kid. He just wanted to sit here and wait. Wait for what he didn't know. Wait for things to get better, wait for Dan to somehow come back, wait for everything to stop. He didn't know.

Time passed quickly, and Phil was pulled out of the depths of his mind by the familiar rattle of the minibus. He didn't look up, not wanting to see their faces. The pity, the meanness. He heard the hissing as the door opened, and footsteps that seemed to echo from a faraway place. Phil just stared at the floor, studying the patterns in the gravel, trying to distract himself. He heard people walk past him, felt their eyes staring at him, heard their thoughts. _Pathetic, worthless, nothing, waste of space, Dan's better off without him, he's probably already having a better time wherever he is. _Phil dug his nails into his knees and screwed his eyes shut, trying to block out the voices. They were familiar. They were the ones that spoke when his mum was crying, or when he was locked into his room. They were the ones that told him that everything was his fault, that everything would be ok if he wasn't there. He felt someone pause next to him, but he kept his eyes shut, trying to clear his head. Then he heard a faint voice whisper "Is he ok?". _Oliver_. The name rang through his head as he heard another small voice reply "I don't know." That was Lucy. It slowly came back to him. _They don't know. We never told them. _

He slowly dragged his head up to look at them. It took what felt like an eternity. His head was heavy, and Phil didn't feel like he was in control of it. He wasn't strong enough. Eventually he was able to look up, but he couldn't bring himself to look them in the eyes. Lucy glanced around and then whispered to Oliver "Dan will know what to do." She raised her voice and asked worriedly "Wheres Dan, Phil?". Phil's head slumped again, and he didn't try to stop it. He couldn't do this. After a few minutes of silence, he felt them both sit next to him, and one of them leant into his side. He had to tell them. He took a deep, shuddering breath and whispered, his voice cracking "Those people… who didn't like us. Well all that stuff happened and…" his voice died out. He felt a red hot clawing in his chest, and he tried to force it down. He wanted to shout, to scream, to find those idiots and… and. It was all their fault. He couldn't lose it though; he couldn't, especially not in front of Oliver and Lucy. He took a few more deep breaths and chocked "People decided… He's gone."

He was sat in the corridor, leaning against the cold wood of Lucy's bedroom door. He could hear them both sobbing inside, and the loud bang from the slamming door was still resounding in his head. He shook and closed his eyes before calling out "Guys, please let me in." Of course, they ignored him. He couldn't blame them. They felt betrayed, couldn't understand why Dan and Phil had lied. They felt abandoned. He honestly didn't know what to do, what to say. He had always been good with them, understood how to cheer them up and make them happy. He didn't know anymore. Everything had changed. He didn't know what to do, what to say. He really was useless. He sat outside the door for a while longer, staring at the wall in front of him. Suddenly Dave was stood in front of him, one hand out stretched. Phil stared at it for a few moments before his mind caught up, and he slowly reached out and took it. He was pulled up gently, and he leant against the wall for support, sure his legs were shaking too much to keep him standing. They stood there for a long time in silence, just watching each other. Eventually Phil sighed and said "I can't do it." He ran his hand through his hair quickly before walking away without another word.

His voice had been so emotionless, and that worried Dave. He watched as he turned towards the stairs, and then he turned his attention back to the task at hand. He knocked gently on the door and called softly "You two, it's me. Let me in?" After a moment he heard the creak of bed springs, and then the door creaked open slowly. Lucy's head peeked through the crack, and Dave smiled at her. She watched him for a few more seconds before opening the door and running quickly to her bed. Dave walked in slowly and saw them both huddled on the bed. Oliver was curled into a small ball and Lucy was curled slightly around him, her arm holding him against her. They both had red rimmed eyes and wet streaks marking their faces. Oliver's eyes flitted towards him and then away again. Dave walked over quietly and gently sat down on the edge of the bed before speaking. "Dan's gone to another home" he said quietly, and was shocked when he received a quick, loud reply. "They didn't tell us. They're just like everyone else, they think we're kids. They don't care, not really. Phil doesn't even want to talk to us anymore." Lucy growled. Dave had never heard her sound like that, so… angry. Not even when she first arrived. Not when she was dropped off by her parents and told they were leaving her there because 'they couldn't look after her.' She wasn't even this angry when she discovered this was a complete lie because her sister still lived with them. Not when her mother gave birth to her baby brother and she was denied visiting rights. Not even when she realised they was not real reason why she was there, not one Dave could find anyway.

Dave took a deep breath and whispered "Luce.." but he was interrupted by her spitting out "Lucy". He took another breath and started again "Lucy, Phil still likes you. He's just trying to cope with Dan leaving, ok? He just needs time." She just shook her head at him and stalked from the room, muttering something about going to dinner. Dave sighed, rubbing his temples, and then turned to face Oliver. He was sat on the bed, legs crossed, staring at Dave, eyes sparkling. He seemed to consider something for a moment before asking quietly "Why does everyone leave?" Dave smiled at him and replied simply "They grow old enough to look after themselves, or they move to a different place." They both knew that wasn't what Oliver had meant, but neither knew what to say. After a moment Oliver nodded before hopping off the bed and walking quickly out the room. That's when Dave gave his real awnser. He whispered quietly, into the emptiness of the room, eyes pricking slightly

"I don't know. I just don't know."

Phil was one of the first people to be sat at the table, and he just stared at the cutlery in front of him, saying nothing. A while later he heard someone slip into the chair opposite him. He glanced up to see Lucy, messy hair and red eyes ruining the effect of her fake smile. She caught Phil's eyes and the smile quickly slid off her face as she turned her head to look the other way. Phil felt a sharp pain in his chest and opened his mouth to say something, but was distracted by Oliver running in and sliding into the seat next to him. Phil smiled cautiously at him, and the smile was returned. Oliver stared at him for a moment before saying simply "I'm going to miss Dan." Phil was taken aback but he still managed to whisper "Me too."

There was the clinking of cutlery, but that was it. Dinner was normally a rowdy affair, but nobody seemed interested in talking today. Phil was painfully aware of the empty space beside him, a constant reminder of who he had lost. He just stared at his plate, unsure of what to do with the food on it. Everything seemed like so much effort now, and Phil just didn't have it in him. He glanced up from his plate, the idea of eating making him feel sick, and saw Lucy again. She wouldn't meet his eyes, just stared at her hands. He watched her for a moment and she glanced up, eyes narrowed. Before she could yell, or look away, or do whatever she was going to do, Phil opened his mouth. His voice died in his throat, so instead of talking e just mouthed "I'm sorry." She stared at him for a long time, not moving, before she suddenly disappeared. He felt movement under the table and a few seconds later she slid into the empty chair next to him. He smiled sadly at her, unsure of what to say. She returned the smile slowly and reached out to grab his hand. She squeezed it tightly before letting go and leaning forward to throw a smile at Oliver.

Everything had changed now Dan was gone. Things were never going to be the same. It was time for everyone to adjust to another kind of normal.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34: New arrival **

The minute Dan could no longer see Phil, was the minute he lost it. He was throwing himself against the window, hitting it with enough force to make his knuckles bleed. He was screaming and crying and shouting, but it was all unintelligible. Dan wasn't even sure what he was saying, all he knew was that he needed to get out of this car and back to where he belonged. He was NOT going to let these people take him away. Who said it was their choice anyway? Why were these people, who had never met him, allowed to make choices about his future? This wasn't fair, and he was sick of it. He heard shouting that wasn't his own, and then he was being pinned harshly into his chair. He felt the fingers digging painfully into his shoulders and he tried to twist out of the man's grasp. Of course he was unsuccessful, he wasn't strong enough. Eventually his yelling quietened, his thrashing lessened, and they let go of him. They quickly strapped his seatbelt around him and sat straight in their seats. He considered trying again, but one glance at the door told him it was useless. It was obviously locked, there was no way to wind the window down, and the glass must be shatter proof. Another glance, this time at the men, enforced this feeling of uselessness. They would have no problem restraining him again, and the way they were tensed made it obvious that they would be able to move quickly to stop him. There was no element of surprise, there was no way they were letting their guard down.

He knew he gave up to easily, but he was just so tired. It wasn't just the sleepless nights either, though they definitely played apart. He felt like he had been broken down so many times and he was sick of having to keep building himself back up time and time again. He no longer had the energy, or the passion to do it again. He no longer cared. What was the point in constantly rebuilding to be destroyed again? He was just going to stay at the bare minimum, the base materials. Breathing and moving. Existing, not living. That's what he focused on for the journey. He stared out the window, focusing on controlling his breathing. Trying to keep it slow, even, trying to dispel the tightness in his chest. He didn't think about what he was leaving behind, or what he was heading towards. He focused on the current event, on the breathing and the passing of scenery outside the window. Eventually the passing slowed, until they came to a stop outside a large, grey building.

He was ushered inside quickly, a firm grip on his arm telling him not to even attempt escape. He didn't, just let them force him to where they wanted him. He watched as they looked through his luggage, and then he was forced through some kind of machine. He had a faint memory of being patted down and searched, and then being shoved into another room. It was empty apart from two chairs, one of which was already occupied. Dan wandered aimlessly over to the other, his footsteps echoing through the large room. He tried to slide his chair to sit on it, but it didn't budge. It didn't take him long to realise it was screwed to the floor. What was this place, juvy? He shoved that thought out of his head quickly. Baseline Dan did not think, because thinking lead to feeling, something he really did not want to do at the moment. He robotically sat down in his chair, and stared at the blank wall over the woman's shoulder.

"Daniel Howell?" the woman asked, voice a bored monotone. Dan gave a jerk of his head that resembled something of a nod, and the woman took it as such. "Well, I'm Miss Jones, I run this institute. Welcome to the Jones behavioural institution, where we aim to use therapy and medical techniques to improve behavioural tendencies in young people." She sounded so bored, like she was reciting a speech she'd learnt off by heart a long time ago. Well, she probably was. "You will be escorted to your room shortly, once your luggage has been thoroughly checked of course. You will be given precisely an hour to settle down, and then you will be introduced to the other patients. Bad behaviour will be punished, and the type of punishment depends on the crime. Curfew is automated. Visitors will not be permitted for the next week, and once the week incubation period is complete, visitors will have to book their meeting 3 days in advance. You are expected to keep your room neat, and it will be checked every day. Any questions?" Dan hadn't moved or spoken throughout the speech, and he didn't now. He just remained staring at the wall, trying to quell the desperation that was tearing at his chest.

A few seconds later another person, dressed in a navy blue uniform, entered the room, pulling Dan's suitcase behind them. Miss Jones raised her eyebrows questioningly and the man spoke in a low voice "We confiscated a pair of hair straighteners and some posters, but that's it. His rooms already prepared, do you want me to take him up there now?" The woman just nodded, face blank, and then stood quickly and walked out the room. Dan watched her leave and then trained his eyes onto the man in the uniform. He was tall and skinny, nothing like the men that had brought him here. He turned his head so not to make eye contact with Dan, picked up his suitcase, and left without a word. Dan stood up and shrugged his shoulders slightly, assuming he should follow. He had to jog slightly to keep up with the man, who was walking briskly, banging his suitcase against the wall. They walked through a maze of corridors that Dan would never be able to make sense of, and the man halted suddenly outside a room. Dan came to a quick stop next to him and watched as he entered a code into a keypad. The silver, steel looking door slid open with a quiet hiss, and the man placed his suitcase just inside the doorway.

Dan took a few tentative steps into the room, looking around slowly. It didn't take long to take it all on. In one corner there was a bed, with a table next to it. On that table, which was screwed into the floor, was a small black box. It looked like a small speaker. In another corner was a small chest of drawers and in another corner was a sink and a small cubicle. Dan poked his head into this cubicle to see a toilet and small shower cubicle. There was no lock on the cubicle door. Yup, this place was definitely like juvy. Seriously, why couldn't he have a lock in this stupid makeshift bathroom? He strolled quickly back over to the bed and sat down heavily, ignoring the loud creaking of the springs. He glanced back over to the door to see the man still stood there. He was staring at the floor, and after a few minutes of awkward silence he cleared his throat. When he spoke, his voice was low and gravelly. "I'm Nurse Wilson" he said quickly "I'm going to be your main supervisor. I'll give you a proper tour later, but there isn't much. The only places you need to know are the medical bay, the therapy rooms and the rec room, why you can hang out with some of the other kids." Dan nodded slowly, and Wilson continued "You should start unpacking, I'll go get your uniform." He walked away without another word, and Dan sighed quietly. This was going to be hell.

He trudged over to his suitcase, dragging it further into the room. He stopped moving it quickly when it started to screech on the hard floor. He pushed it onto its back and quickly undid the zip. The first thing he did was remove his phone from the hidden pocket and place it gently on his table. That phone was his lifeline. It was the only way he could contact Phil. He needed to tell him where he was so Phil would know where to come. First though, he had to actually figure out where he was. Why hadn't he paid attention on the way here? He walked quickly back to his suitcase, wondering if Wilson would tell him where this place was. He could see right away that all his posters and his straighteners were missing. Great, hobbit hair. He smiled to himself, figuring that would make Phil happy. He always told Dan that he loved his hobbit hair and that he shouldn't straighten it. _No_ he scolded himself _Don't think about him. It's just going to make this harder. _He tried to distract himself by grabbing a few bits of clothing and tossing them on the bed to pack away later. When he lifted up a black t-shirt he could a glimpse of brown and white, and shoved some more flimsy fabric out of the way to get a better look. His heart started to race as he lifted the small item from the suitcase. It was Phil's totoro. Dan felt himself collapse back onto his bed as he stared and the cuddly toy in his hands. Phil loved totoro. Why was it in Dan's suitcase? He caught a glimpse of bright yellow and tugged at it. He pulled away a post-stick note, but it took him a few minutes to focus on the words scrawled on it.

_Dan, remember you're superamazing! _

_I love you! _

_Phil _

The scribbles quickly blurred again as tears filled Dan's eyes. He tried to swallow, but he throat was too tight. His whole body was trembling slightly. He could feel a small smile tugging at his lips as he tried to hold in the tears. There was no way he could stop thinking about Phil, he shouldn't have even tried. The raven haired, blue eyed boy would probably be the only thing that kept him sane in this place. He'd probably also drive him crazy, but Dan found that he didn't care. It's strange, when the thing that keeps you sane could also drive you crazy. Remembering Phil would make him happy, and sad. Remembering Phil would make this time a little bit brighter, keep him sane. Remembering Phil but not being able to see him, never knowing if he'd see him again, that could push him over the edge.

"You must- is that a teddy?" a new voice echoed through Dan's room from the open door. It was a boy's voice, and it rumbled. Dan could hear the sneer in the voice. He glanced up, fingers digging tightly into the totoro as he put all his effort into not crying. A boy, roughly Dan's age, was stood in the door way. He was smirking at Dan, one eyebrow raised. He had dark brown eyes and blonde hair, and he guessed people probably found him attractive. He was well built and average height, with muscular arms, and was dressed in a grey uniform, similar to the nurses. He stood with confidence, something Dan wasn't used to seeing. For a brief moment, Dan wondered what was wrong with him, but quickly decided that he didn't really care. They boy took a large step into his room, eyebrows still raised as he spoke again, louder this time. "Awww, does ickle baby need a teddy?" he teased, and Dan just stared at him. He watched as he took a few more steps into his room, picking up some of his stuff as he went. Dan stiffened as he got closer, and his eyes involuntarily darted to his phone. Of course, he noticed this, and he wandered casually over to it, picking it up.

"You got permission to have this? They don't normally let us have any contact with the outside world." Dan nodded his head quickly, but he knew it was pointless. They both knew he wasn't allowed to have it. The boy turned it over in his hand a few times before looking back up at Dan, a new glint in his eyes. "I think I'll keep this" he mused out loud "I'll use it for a few days, and then I'll give it back." He turned his back on Dan before adding "maybe." He shouldn't have turned his back. Dan tossed totoro behind him before launching at the boys back. He wrapped his arms tightly around his chest and tried to wrestle the phone out of his hands. He wasn't losing his lifeline. That phone was Phil, it was his way out, it was everything to him now. They boy twisted in Dan's weak grip and shoved him away. Dan hit the wall, hard, and all the air was knocked out of his lungs. He gasped quickly, trying to get it back, but he was thrown quickly to the floor. The boy clambered on top of him and waved the small device in front of his face, just out of his reach. Dan didn't struggle, just tried to get his breath back. When his breathing was back to normal- well, sort of- he made his move.

He twisted his shoulders roughly, using the momentum to throw the other boy off. They rolled, and Dan was sat on the others chest. He tried to reach for the phone, but the boys arm moved, as if in slow motion. Dan watched as it arced, fingers loosening, his phone flying through the air, hitting the wall with a loud thud, falling apart before it even hit the floor. It was gone. Suddenly, anger was rushing through his veins, burning away all reason in an intense inferno. He turned back to the boy and threw a punch at his cheek. It hit home, but Dan didn't notice. He carried on throwing punches, not paying attention, just letting the anger flow through him, trying to ignore the tightening in his chest. All he could hear through the roaring of his ears were his own screams of "No! No no no no no no!". He could see the others boys mouth moving as he shouted, twisting, trying to get out of Dan's grip. Then there were other shouts, they sounded far away. Cries of "fight! Get him off him! First day! Wilson!" He ignored them, not really aware, not really caring. Then he felt a sharp prick in his arm, and the inferno was dulled. He could feel something rushing through his veins, but this wasn't anger. This was cold and harsh, and it was making his vision dim.

They had drugged him.

He was thrown roughly off the other boy, and he lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling, all of a sudden too weak to move. His vision was still dimming, the edges now completely black. He just lay there, listening to the faint voices. "Dylan are you alright?" There was silence, and for a moment Dan thought he had gone deaf. Then there was a reply of "Yeah. I was just talking to him, being nice, and he just attacked me." Dan was too tiered, to alone, to feel any indignation. He no longer cared. He turned his head slightly, and stared at the pieces of broken plastic that used to be his phone. He no longer cared what happened to him here. He was alone. There was no Phil to talk to, no Phil to rescue him. A small flash of yellow in the darkness spreading through his vision caught his eye. He reached slowly, weakly, for it, and clutched it in his hand as everything went black.

When his eyes opened again, he had a pounding headache and everything was blurry. He groaned and rolled over; waiting for Dave to bang on the door and tell him it was time for school. His vision became clearer and he was met by a strange room. Panic hit him, but it was quickly lost in a wave of sadness as he remembered. He wasn't there anymore. His eyes moved slowly around the room as he tried to ignore the pounding in his head and the aching in his chest. This room was even smaller, and there was no sink or cubicle in the corner. There was no table next to his bed, and no chest of drawers. There was just the bed he was lying in, and in one corner of the room was a large speaker and a camera. The door had a small window, covered in bars, and what looked like a small cat flap. He stood up slowly, and wandered unsteadily towards the door. His limbs felt weird, like they were still asleep, not under his control. He struggled to walk the short distance, and he had to lean against the door when he reached it, so his shaking legs wouldn't buckle underneath him. He stared out of the small window, twisting his head to try and get a good look of outside the room. This place must have been in a completely different place, because the corridor was empty. It was long, and there were no other doors in the whole corridor. He could see cameras dotted down the corridor, and he chuckled slightly to himself, wincing as it cut through his head. He wasn't running away from this place.

After a while he wandered back to his bed, using the wall to make sure he didn't fall. He collapsed back into the bed, closing his eyes to try and calm his head. That's when he noticed that he was clutching a piece of paper. He opened his eyes slightly and peered through to see the yellow bit of paper. He smiled to himself, remembering vaguely finding the paper, reading a note from Phil. He closed his eyes again, rubbing the smooth paper under his thumb. He had started to feel nauseas when his eyes shot open again. No, he wasn't imagining it. There were footsteps echoing in the corridor. He quickly shoved the paper under his pillow and turned his head to look at the door, trying to ignore the wave of sickness that overwhelmed him. After a moment some eyes peered at him through the bars, and the woman spoke. It was the woman from earlier, Dan couldn't remember her name. Had she even told him it? He couldn't remember much of earlier to be honest. He remembered shouting, and being breathless, but not what had happened. "Oh good, your awake." The woman started "You're in isolation for fighting and having a contraband item." Fighting? Contraband? Oh. He remembered. "You'll be allowed out in a few days if you behave. Until then, there are scheduled bathroom breaks and meal times. You need to get changed into your uniform." She slid a red uniform through the flap and walked away without another word. Huh, the other boy was dressed in gray. It must be different because he was in 'isolation', the joys. Driven mental by the silence and his own thoughts in isolation. He had a feeling he would prefer this to human interaction these days though. He could just sit here and revel in his thoughts of Phil.

He looked at the uniform for a few moments before sighing and rolling over in the bed, closing his eyes. Whatever they had given him was strong and besides

He'd never been a morning person anyway.

**A/N Hey guys, sorry this took me so long. I started writing this a few days ago, but my friend had some problems and got kicked out of her house and straight into a police cell (nothing serious, she was out the same day), so she's been staying with me and I've been helping her out. I didn't really get a chance to finish it until yesterday. Then my computer decided it hated me and wouldn't let me open the document or save anything. I ended up losing this whole chapter and I had to re-type the whole thing out of memory! Anyway, I finally got it too you, so I hope you enjoyed it! I'm hoping to write and upload the next chapter tomorrow, so you shouldn't have long to wait! If you haven't figured it out yet, the next few chapters are going to alternate between Dan and Phil, so we'll be catching up with lion boy next :D see you on the other side! **


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35: I miss you **

Phil had been staring at the ceiling for hours, unable to sleep. He finally began to stir as he heard movement outside his door and someone called "Phil, time to get up!". He couldn't be bothered to reply, and after a few seconds he heard footsteps as they wandered away. He considered lying there, refusing to go, but he quickly decided against it. He had to go. He had to bring some normality back into Oliver and Lucy's days. They had fallen back into their routine, they had played, they had laughed, but it just didn't seem… right. They were unsettled, and Phil needed to take things back to normal. Plus, he was really worried about Lucy. She seemed to be taking the worst. She refused to do her work, not only here, but at school too. Her teacher had called, told Dave that she was refusing to do anything. Phil knew she missed Dan, missed him helping her. He was always so good at helping her, making her feel normal no matter what others said. That was what Lucy wanted, to be normal, and Dan was the only one that could give her that. Besides, he was nearing the end of his A-levels, but there was still a lot of work to do. He couldn't afford any more time off.

He still laid there for a few minutes though, trying to gather the energy to move. He hadn't slept at all, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. There were very little that he actually cared about now. Oliver and Lucy, and finding Dan. That was it. He couldn't find Dan until he'd left though, so he had to focus on the other two.

Eventually he heard doors opening and two lots of footsteps trudging down the stairs. At least he wouldn't have to fight for the bathroom. Sure, he'd miss breakfast, but he wasn't hungry anyway. Actually, the idea of food was making him feel sick. He sighed and swung his legs out of the bed and stood up, grabbing his phone from the side as he did so. He trudged to the bathroom, resisting the overwhelming urge to look at his phone. He'd been awake all night, if Dan had text him he would have heard. He tried not to worry, told himself that Dan was probably just settling down, but that didn't stop his heart from pounding. When he reached the bathroom he quickly put a song on, not listening to what it was as it blared out of the speakers. Something loud, which was good. It could drown out the stupid thoughts in his head. The thoughts telling him that Dan had finally realised that he was happier without him. The thoughts telling him he'd got into some sort of trouble, that he was hurt. The thoughts telling him something was wrong. He brushed his teeth quickly and splashed some cold water in his face before turning on the shower. He let the water warm up while he threw his pyjamas into a corner.

He slid quickly into the shower, wincing slightly as the needles of hot water hit his skin, but he didn't bother to turn the temperature down. He stood there for a few minutes, listening to the rhythmic patter of water hitting the bottom of the bath, before sighing. If he didn't hurry up, Dave would be banging on the door telling him to hurry up. He grabbed the shampoo and lathered it through his hair, rinsing it out quickly. He did the same with the conditioner before reaching for his 'girly' shower gel, trying not to think about how much Dan had liked it. When he was done he switched of the water and climbed out, shivering slightly as the cold air hit his bare skin. He quickly pulled his pyjamas back over his red skin and rushed back to his room. He dressed quickly, music still blaring, not paying attention to what he was wearing or listening to. He rushed to the other side of his room, grabbed his hair dryer and plugged it in. He sat on the floor, leaning against the wall, and brought it up to his head before switching it on.

There was a strange noise, and suddenly everything was white. Phil inhaled quickly, shocked, and then burst into violent coughs. He had breathed in some sort of powder. Eventually he came to his senses, and switched the machine of quickly. Flour. His hair, his clothes, his carpet, all covered in flour. He saw bit of yellow on the floor, contrasting to the bright white. He picked it up quickly, and turned it over, his eyes scanning the note.

_Phil _

_I bet your flour hair looks nicer than my hobbit hair. See you soon, I love you. _

_Dan _

Phil felt a small smile tug at the corners of his lips, and he chuckled slightly. Ok, it came out as more of a chocked sound, but there was nobody to hear it, so it was ok. He grabbed his phone quickly, only half paying attention to what he was doing. So that's what he'd been doing when Phil snuck off. Putting flour and a note inside his hair dryer. He stopped the music, not even noticing the complete silence that was left behind. He fired a quick text to Dave, telling him to make Sarah take the others, he was going to be late and he'd walk. When he was done, he contemplated his phone for a few minutes. Should he text him? Would Dan want him to? What would he say?

He tossed his phone away quickly. He couldn't text him, and having hold of the phone was too tempting. He wasn't going to force Dan to talk to him. Dan would text when he was settled. Dan would text when he was ready. Dan would text.

Hopefully.

He stared at the note, ignoring the powder that surrounded him, tickling his nose. He stared at the note, moving it away from him slightly. He didn't want his tears to spill onto it, to smudge the perfect writing. This was just such a… Danish thing to do. Of course he'd done something like this. There was a hidden meaning. Dan was telling him to smile, to laugh, to be happy. Dan always seemed to think laughing could fix anything, no matter the problem. It was his last resort. Laugh. Forget about everything, and just laugh. A huge grin broke across his face as tears dripped down his face, mixing with the flour on the floor. Stupid Dan. Amazing Dan.

He stared at Dan's name for a long time, at the words he had written.

_I love you. _

"I miss you" Phil whispered into the stillness of the room, still crying, still smiling. Still laughing.

**A/N I know this is really short, I'm thinking I'm probably going to upload another chapter today :3 Now, here go the shout outs for you amazing people. Seriously, you're like, amazingphil amazing :P **

**Hannah: Aww, thank you :D this makes my day, seriously! **

**Guest: (:OMG this is amazing! *wipes away tear*) Thank you! And I'm sorry about your tears, it'll all be worth it in the end. That's phan, a rollercoaster of emotions :3 **

**Gemstone: I think everyone cries when little kids get emotional! It's actually worrying, Lucy and Oliver have actually started to become real in my head. Like, I'll think to myself 'oh, Lucy and Oliver would love that game!' and then I'm like… oh yeah… fictional. I should probably get help for that. Oh well, writing is my therapy :P **

**Guest: (:l honestly can't function because of you) I'm sorry! I don't want to stop you from functioning normally :( I promise It'll get better! **

**Dansdelia: I love the name :D I'm sorry, please function normally! I'm sorry about your inner fangirl! I promise I'll update as much as I can, and I'm sending your inner fangirl some chicken soup :P **

**Guest: (:l I can't wait for more! :3 POST MORE SOON! IT'S SO FLIPPIN GOOD!) Thank you, I'm going to try and post more regularly :P Phil would be proud of that language ;) **

**Blair: I bring you more :P Hope you liked it :D **

**Just a shout out to gemstone, llamas-like-socks and potatoes are not for sex, seriously, you guys are the best! Also Savanna W (I'm sorry if I spelt it wrong!) your great too! My friend says thank you btw :P So I hope everything's going well with you all, and I'll give you another chapter soon :3 (This was a really long A/N! I f you read itr all, have some cookies. Huh, even if you didn't read it all, have some cookies!) **


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36: Sort of first day **

It was Dan's first full day in this place, so he figured he should try and make a good impression. He also knew he probably wouldn't, because he honestly did not care anymore. He wasn't going to pretend that everything was fine, and he wasn't going to put effort into making anyone here like him. Why would he? Every time he got close to someone, he was ripped away from them. Plus, his rude awakening had already put him in a bad mood.

He wasn't asleep, not properly anyway. He could think, even if it wasn't clearly. He just couldn't bring himself out of this drug induced state. He was just watching the swirling darkness as his mind babbled about random things, like the itchiness of the blankets, or the fact he couldn't help Lucy with her homework anymore. Then a loud siren pierced through the room, and his eyes shot open. The noise was slamming into his ears, cutting through his still sore head. He groaned and rolled over to stare at the door, covering his ears with his pillow. It was an attempt to muffle the noise, and it was an attempt that failed. It felt like it carried on for 10 minutes, but it was probably only 1 or 2. It eventually stopped and he let the pillow flop back into position. He saw that the red uniform was still in a puddle by the door, and then he once again heard footsteps in the corridor. He knew right away that it wasn't the woman, the footsteps were to slow and heavy.

A moment later another face was watching him through the window, and he just gave them a piercing glare. The person spoke, and Dan realised it was Wilson. "Good, you're awake. We thought we would have to take you to the medical bay. We gave you a pretty high dosage, but you were still out for a long time." Dan stayed silent for a moment before asking "How long?". It was the first time he'd spoken, and the combination of the sort-of-sleep and the effects of the drugs made his voice hoarse. Wilson replied quickly, and Dan could have sworn there was a tint of worry in his voice "Well, you got here on Monday afternoon. It's Wednesday. You woke for a brief period yesterday morning, but that's it. You should only have been out for half a day at the most." Dan raised his eyebrows in disbelief. What had they given him? Wilson continued, his voice taking on a dull monotone "Get into your uniform and then stand in the far corner so I can come in." Dan rolled his eyes. The way they were acting, you'd think he'd committed mass murder, not got in a fight.

He grabbed the scarlet uniform and wandered over to the corner, changing quickly. The clothes hung off him, and the trousers were too short in the leg. He turned back to face the door and called, annoyed "I'm in the corner." He heard the door click and it swung open a crack, which Wilson slid through, closing the door quickly. He stood by the door, watching Dan for a few moments. Dan raised his eyebrows and leaned against the wall casually, before saying "Nice place, huh?". Wilson just continued to stare at him, and Dan shrugged his shoulders. He was obviously making Wilson uncomfortable, but he wasn't sure why. He also wasn't sure why he was enjoying it so much. It was just nice, to be the one in control for once. Wilson slowly took some small packages out of his pocket, and Dan nodded towards them questioningly. Wilson cleared his throat loudly before saying "Your daily medication. There are three tablets you have to take, three times a day. One anti-depressant" Dan interrupted him quickly "I'm not depressed." Wilson sighed and replied quickly "Well, when a therapist confirms that, you won't have to take it. One is a simple supplement to help with your fatigue" Dan found himself interrupting again "Fatigue?" Wilson shook his head and spoke again; sounding irritated "Your files mentioned you struggle with sleeping." Dan murmured under his breath "I'm coping fine." Wilson ignored him and spoke a bit louder "The last one is to help balance your hormones a bit… better." What? What did his hormones have to do with anything? He was seriously confused.

He asked Wilson why they needed to 'balance his hormones' but Wilson ignored him, too bust popping the pills out of the packages. When he was done, he took a few cautious steps towards Dan, his hand outstretched as he stared at the floor. Dan shook his head violently and spoke, louder than he expected, but he didn't care. "No." Wilson glanced up at him, and then back at the floor quickly before asking "No?". Dan shook his head again "Plain and simple. No. I don't need any of that stuff, and I don't swallow tablets anyway." He could have sworn he caught a smirk travel across Wilsons face, and Dan scowled in return.

Wilson looked him in the eye, and Dan met his piercing gaze, slightly shocked at Wilson's new found confidence. "There are other ways" he spoke quietly, slightly threateningly ton Dan. He cleared his throat slightly and spoke louder "Guys, I need help!". Suddenly the room was a flourish of movement. People rushed in from the corridor, grabbing Dan, pinning his shoulders to the wall. He was struggling, throwing himself against the wall, bringing his legs up to kick them away. He was screaming, shouting, swearing. "What are you doing? Fuck off! Let me go! Let me out of here! I don't need any shitty medication, I'm fine! Phil!" Why did he call out for Phil? He wasn't here, he couldn't help. That was a good thing. He didn't want to see Phil hurt. His arms were flailing, and he felt his fist connect with something, heard a crunch. The pressure on his arms was doubled. He wasn't strong enough. The drugs were still affecting his system, and even if they hadn't been, he doubted he could fight these guys off. Even if he did, what then? He was stuck. There was nothing he could do.

_It was nice to be in control. _Should of enjoyed it while it lasted. He would never be in control. He would never be in control of his life, what happened in it. He gave up then. He gave up on struggling, gave up on hoping for a better future. He watched helpless as Wilson walked towards him, needle in hand. Dan focused on repressing the memories swimming to the surface. The memories of his mother's pain and terror as the doctors used her as a living pin cushion, the way she would shake after every injection. He couldn't stop the memories. He wasn't strong enough. Just like he wasn't strong enough to stop the doctors from hurting her. He felt a painful prick in his arm as he stared into his mother's terrified eyes. Another prick as he watched his mother shake in terror. Another, more painful prick as he watched his mothers eyes close, heard the resounding beep.

He crumpled to the floor, everything becoming dim again. He watched as they all filed out of his room, and Wilson stopped in the doorway. "Tut, tut Daniel. I think I'll have to have another word with" Dan interrupted him, screaming through his raw throat "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ANYMORE? I'VE ALREADY LOST EVERYTHING, YOU IDIOT! DO WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT. I GIVE UP, OK?" Wilson walked out without another word, leaving Dan to cry in the corner.

A while later another voice spoke, through the stupid speaker. It was crackly, and Dan didn't recognise the voice. He quietened his load sobs in time to hear the voice say "permanent isolation. This will become your permanent room, and you will live by a strict routine. Someone will be along with your lunch shortly." There was a loud squeal as the speaker cut out. Great, now he was never getting out. He'd probably never be allowed visitors either.

"I miss you Phil. See you soon, I hope."

**A/N Another short one! I'm pretty sure the next one will be longer :P I'm hoping to write and upload that one today as well :3 But first, I have to go do chores! *Yay sound effect* See you guys soon, don't forget to review :D **


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N Would you believe how long my chores took? Lit-er-rally. I'm writing this while babysitting :P Is it bad to let small children watch Van Helsing? Oh well. Hope you guys enjoy it, as always. *Phil's Mario voice* here we go! **

**Chapter 37: The call **

Dave was sat in his office, head in his hands, trying to block out the shouting of the kids that echoed throughout the old building. It sounded like Oliver had been caught spying again. Dave waited for a moment, waited to hear Phil's voice telling them to leave Oliver alone, but it didn't come. He sighed, the volume of the voices increasing, and stood up wearily, ignoring the aching in his limbs. He was so tired. He rolled his shoulders slightly, trying to wake himself up, not wanting the kids to worry. He walked quickly out of the room, his ears straining to hear the source of the yelling. He located Lucy's yells pretty quickly, and found a group of the kids in the front hall.

Jake had Oliver slung over his shoulder, and Lucy was pounding her small hands against him, having no effect whatsoever. They were all shouting, voices overlapping, creating a confusing, nonsensical mess of noise. Dave darted over quickly, gently pulling Oliver out of his grasp. He held the small boy, seeing the tears streaming down his red face. He had scratches up and down his arms, and Dave restrained him quickly. He thought he'd been getting better, but obviously not. How could he not of noticed? He was useless. Why was he even doing this, he wasn't what these kids needed. They deserved so much better. If he'd been a better care worker Dan would still be here, and Phil, Oliver and Lucy would all be happy. He should have protected them; he should have done his job properly. There were so many things he could have done. He could have called their principle when it all started, he could have made them wait for him that day. He should have protected them.

He heard the small boy in his arms whimper, and he realised he was holding him to tightly, his fingers leaving white marks on his red arms. He loosened his grip slightly, but didn't let go. He turned to Jake, noticing the shivering ball on the floor that was Lucy. "What the hell?" he asked quietly, staring at the tall boy. He shrugged his shoulders slightly before exclaiming "He was trying to get out the door. I figured I should stop him, make sure he didn't get hit by a car." Dave's eyebrows shot up and he asked, even quieter "Are you being serious? What happened?" Jake started towards the stairs, talking as he went. "I came downstairs to look for… nevermind. When I got down here he was climbing the door, but he kept falling. I pulled him off and he started screaming, something about finding him, then Lucy came out and tried to make me put him down" he started climbing the stairs, two at a time. "I wasn't going to put him down in case he made a break for it, so, here I am. Bye." He sprinted up the rest of the stairs, and Dave sighed.

He placed Oliver quickly on the stairs, and held a hand out to Lucy, who reluctantly took it. She looked at him for a moment, glanced over at Oliver, and nodded understandingly before disappearing through a door. This is the exact opposite of what Phil had always wanted. She shouldn't understand that Dave needed to talk to Oliver alone, that Dave had to assess his mental health. She should have been demanding her share of attention. She should have been acting like a normal child, but she couldn't. Neither of them could. They had their childish times taken from them a long time ago, and it wasn't fair. He didn't have time to dwell on it now though. He spun around quickly, to find Oliver already tearing at the soft skin of his underarms. He ran forward and jerked his hands away, holding them tightly in his as he knelt down. He stared at the small boy for a moment, revelling at how a small fragile body could contain a much older soul. More tears started to spill down Oliver's cheeks. "Hey, hey" Dave soothed, "What was that all about?" Oliver stared at him for a long time, completely still, and Dave could tell that he was resisting the urge to free himself and start at his arms again. His eyes were glistening with tears, and eventually he whispered "I need to find him." Dave smiled at him sadly, before asking quietly "Who?" Oliver looked unsure, but after a moment he whispered "My dad." He took a deep breath before adding on "And Dan."

Dave held the now sobbing boy, waiting for the moment to pass. At least he hadn't curled into a corner in silence. Getting it out was better. Even if it didn't seem like it. He hated this. Hated it. Nobody should have to feel like this, Dave knew it. He shook his head quickly. This was about Oliver, not him. After a while the small frame stopped shaking, and the sobs turned to hiccups. Dave turned him around slightly, so he could look at him. He gave the boy another small smile before reminding him "Your Dads in a better place, Oliver. He's happy now, he's where he wanted to be." He could understand why Oliver found it hard. He found his Dad drowned in a bathtub. Suicide. He certainly didn't look peaceful when Oliver found him, so he could understand why the small child struggled to believe that he was peaceful now. "Dan's fine to, ok? He's just somewhere else, but it's fine. Nothing bad is happening to him, I promise. He's happy and safe". He wasn't sure if he believed his own words, but he kept his uncertainty out of his voice. Even if it wasn't true, it's what Oliver needed to believe to get better.

After a moment Oliver nodded, and Dave stuck out his tongue in a weak attempt to make him smile. It didn't work. Phil was better at this stuff. He gently took one of his arms and whispered "Let's take a look at you. When I've fixed you up you can go spy on the others, ok?" Oliver nodded, a small smile spreading across his face. He murmured to himself "make sure they don't do anything bad." Dave ignored this, focusing on the small boys arms. Rivulets of ruby blood were sluggishly trickling down both his arms from the worst scratches. Both his arms were severely red, and the smallest touch from Dave was leaving small white marks. There were lots of red scratches, criss crossing each other like a small child's angry scribbles on paper. His medical training kicked in, and he made a quick plan in his head. The scratches would have to be disinfected, and he would wrap bandages around them for an extra measure. That would give them a better chance at healing. He had just stood up, ready to carry Oliver to the nearest medical kit, when his eyes caught a flash of black. Phil was stood a few steps above them, watching with a blank expression on his face. Dave caught his eye, and the pale boy spoke gently. "I'll sort it" he said, nodding towards his arms. Dave raised his eyebrows, questioning him. It wasn't that he didn't trust him. He knew Phil could sort Oliver out, but he was worried that Phil needed someone to sort him out. Of course he did. He'd just lost another person he cared about. Phil just nodded and hefted Oliver into his arms, walking towards the bathroom with a faraway look in his eyes.

Soon Dave was back in his office, rubbing his head as though that would make everything go away. He was like a little kid. A little kid that thought saying sorry would just fix everything. He knew that this wasn't going away. He had just collapsed into his chair when the phone rang, the sound echoing loudly through his head. He grabbed it quickly, fumbling to bring it up to his ear. "Hello" he mumbled into the receiver, trying to ignore the pounding of his temples. He heard a faint reply, and the voice continued speaking, becoming clearer as Dave concentrated. "Hello, I'm calling on behalf of State Penitentiary." Why the hell were the prison calling him? "One of prisoners, a Mr Lester, has a son in your care. He's requested contact." Dave felt his eyebrows shoot up and he managed to choke out "W-what?" The voice replied coolly "He wishes to contact his son. Would you like to speak to him?" Dave felt a slight burn in his chest. How dare he want to contact Phil after all this time? Look at everything he put the boy through! "Yes" he growled down the phone, and there was a faint rustling noise.

A few seconds later a gruff voice was growling down the phone. "Let me speak to my son." Dave's mouth downturned into a frown as he spat out "Why?" The voice stayed quiet for a moment, and when he spoke he sounded taken a back. Dave was sure no one had ever stood up to him before. Phil's mum certainly hadn't. "I want to speak to him. Find out how he's been doing and all that." _And all that. _He didn't care about Phil. Dave didn't know why he wanted to speak to him, but he was certain it wasn't good. He was brought out of his thoughts by the man growling "Put him on the phone." Dave's eyebrows knitted together and he replied in a hard voice "No. I'm sorry, but while he's in my care I can prevent certain… visitors if I believe it's going to cause him to regress into a negative state. You are not permitted to visit him." Of course, that was a lie. He was over 16, those rules didn't apply to him. He just hoped he didn't know that. He probably didn't know he was older than 16 anyway. The burning in his chest increased slightly and he hissed down the phone "You don't deserve him as a son." He slammed the phone down quickly, ignoring the pain this caused his head.

He placed his head in his hands, pushing on his eyes, trying to lose himself in the swirling darkness. Had he handled that correctly? Would Phil have wanted to talk to him? Should he call back? Should he tell Phil? No, a voice in his head yelled. He couldn't tell Phil. It would just hurt him more, and Dave refused to do that. He was breaking all the rules, but he didn't care. He would not put Phil through anymore. He wouldn't want to speak to him anyway. Would he?

He sighed, reaching for the phone again. He was useless at the job, but it still needed doing. He needed to organise more therapy sessions for Oliver.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N Hey guys, I gift you with another chapter for being amazing. ESPECIALLY YOU JONATHAN. And also Amanda. , llamas-like-socks, alltimelions (seriously cool name!) playwithlife (also known as the coolest person ever!), Fiona, Phanfictionz (I know, poor Dan :() and all the guests that reviewed. Also, you all owe Dansdelia the biggest amount of love and hugs and meowing cookies because they requested a sequel. A SEQUEL. And even though this is nowhere near finished yet, it has been decided. A SEQUEL SHALL BE GIVEN. I already have the idea, and it's sort of planned out, so look forward to that when this is finally over. I'M SO EXCITED, IT'S MY 16****TH**** BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY! I'm not doing anything special, me and my friend are going to go see Despicable me two (who am I kidding, that is special. And amazing.) So I figured that you guys should know some more about me, so leave questions in the reviews and I'll awnser them on Friday. Ask anything. It can be to do with this story or any others, even future ones I'm writing. It can be to do with me, or it can be completely and utterly random like most of us are. Ask as many as you want, and I promise to awnser ALL of them. It'll keep me entertained on my birthday. If you don't want to leave a review, PM me with questions :3 I love you guys :3 **

**Chapter 38: An accident that becomes everyday **

The first week past in a haze. A haze of tiredness and memories. A haze that may have been caused by all the drugs, or the intense sadness that had taken up permanent residence inside Dan. He was sad because he was alone. He was sad because his skin was more purple than it's usual tan shade. He was covered in bruises. He'd stopped fighting back now, but that didn't stop them from holding to tight, from throwing him against the walls to 'restrain' him. He'd stopped falling asleep after the injections now. He wasn't sure why. He hoped they'd adjusted the dosage. He really didn't like the idea that he might just be adjusting to the chemicals rushing through his system. There were so many injections, he wasn't even sure how many he had each day anymore.

He was in Phil's room, in Phil's arms, but voices were drifting through to him. Harsh male voices, sharp female voices. They didn't belong here. The only voice that belonged here was Phil's. His gentle voice, his quiet chuckles. Then he was back. He was in that room, lying on the bed, clothes crumpled. Then he was under a cold stream of water and men were watching him. Then he was back on his bed. He couldn't remember moving. He couldn't remember talking. He couldn't remember much.

It started to get clearer though. He became more aware. He was pulled away from his time with Phil, until it was those memories became a haze. That should upset him. He knew it should. But it didn't. He felt a faint sadness, but it was suffocated under layers of not caring. He just couldn't bring himself to care about that time anymore. The feeling of sadness, of anger, of love, disappeared more and more each day. 

**It disappeared more and more with each injection. Not that Dan realised. Not that he figured out what that hormone injection was for. **

Things became clearer. Towards the end of the week, he was aware of everything. It just didn't feel… right. It didn't feel like him. He felt like that haze was still there, stopping him from doing what he wanted. It was hiding him. He was able to watch what was going on, but not make choices. He wasn't in control of his body. His eyes fluttered open to another morning alarm, screeching through the corridors, echoing in his head long after it stopped. He rolled out of bed, placing his feet on the cold hard floor. He knew it was cold, but he couldn't feel it. He slowly wandered over to the pile of clean clothes by his door. This felt normal. It was routine. It was every day. He just didn't remember it. It had been hidden by the haze. His movements were jerky, robotic, automatic. But of course, this was Dan. Even when he was robotic, automatic, he was clumsy as fuck. He tripped over his own feet. He went down, barely registering what was happening.

His wrist hit the lip of the cat flap thing on the way down. His body hit the floor with a thump, and pain burst down his arm. The sharp feeling bloomed in his wrist, shooting quickly and repeatedly down his shaking arm. It was painful, it was sharp, it was quick and it lasted forever and it was … feeling. It broke through the uncaring layer. He could feel, but he didn't have to feel sad. He could feel pain. It was nice. It was amazing to be able to feel. It was the only way he could feel. Nothing could break through the haze, nothing but pain. Pain was the awnser. Pain was great. Pain was part of his everyday routine now.

It was just little things everyday. Smashing his wrist against the bed frame. Smashing his elbow against a wall. 'Accidently' stubbing his toe. Falling over in the shower and banging his head. He revelled as the pain bloomed like small flowers. He tried to keep a grasp on it as it slipped away, like small flowers dying in the winter. He watched as small bruises flowered in the place of the pain. These were the bruises he could control.

Anything for pain.

Anything for control.


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N GUYS, I CANNOT BELIEVE WE REACHED 100 FREAKING REVIEWS! I went back and read all 100 of them, and you guys made me cry. So thanks for that :P Remember to ask me any questions you guys have :P oh, and my nan has found this account. MY NAN. I bet she didn't listen to me when I told her to run when she sees the words smut or slash either… great. Oh well, her problem. Congratulations to the hundredth reviewer, the amazing Mimi von Unruh, and I hope your exam went ok :3 I had my German exam a few weeks ago, wouldn't it have been cool if we could have just swapped languages? **

**Chapter 39: I don't care**

"Dave, I don't care."

"Phil, you need to." Dave took a deep breath before continuing, avoiding Phil's eyes. He couldn't do this anymore. He felt like he was going to blurt it out, but he had to control himself. Anyway, this was more important. "You need to work on you're a-levels, ok? It's only a little bit left. You've already completed art, it's just your health and social coursework, and you need to finish editing your final piece for media. You need this stuff Phil-" He was interrupted again by Phil's steady monotone. "I don't care." Dave closed his eyes for a moment before speaking again, his voice strained as he tried to stay calm. "Phil, what do you plan on actually doing when you leave here?" He received a quick, less robotic reply this time. "Find Dan" Phil said simply, although his leg was starting to shake slightly. Dave stayed silent for a minute before saying "Phil you know I-" but he was interrupted again. This really wasn't like Phil. He'd always been so polite, letting others finish talking before putting his point across. He didn't think he'd ever heard Phil say he didn't care about anything, especially not school work. "I know you can't tell me where he is" Phil said, irritated. "That doesn't mean I won't find him." Dave shook his head slightly, before whispering "I know, but Phil, after you found him, you need to get a job, and somewhere to live. You need you're a-levels Phil. Dan would want you to try your best."

Suddenly, Phil was shouting. The anger, the annoyance, the hate was all clear in his voice, the way he spat out his words as though they were poison. "Maybe this is my best now Dave. Did you ever think about that? He brought out the best in me, and now he's gone. This is all I have left. I don't care anymore damn it!". Dave felt anger begin to rise in his own chest. Did Phil really think he would believe that? He knew this was not Phil's best. Did Phil really think he was nothing now? Phil had been fine before Dan had come along. Dave was happy Dan had arrived, that he had made Phil so happy. He didn't blame Dan. He just couldn't see how Phil could have changed so much now he was gone. "I've been getting calls from your teachers!" he exclaimed. Phil opened his mouth to interrupt, but Dave carried on quickly, not giving him a chance. "Phil, you are the only kid here whose teachers never called. You are great in school, why are you letting that change? They say you just sit there, not listening or working. Or you just tell them no. You just turn around and tell them that you aren't going to work. That you don't care. Well Phil, you should care. I'm not going to stand by and let you throw your education, your future away over a boy." He knew he'd taken it too far, the minute the words left his mouth. He hadn't meant it like that, but he knew that didn't matter. Dan wasn't just a boy.

Phil's head snapped up quickly, and he hissed "get out" his eyes piercing Dave's. His eyebrows were knitted together, and the lines in his face showed Dave something he never thought he'd see. Sure, when Phil first arrived, they'd been anxious about it, but it was clear their worries were stupid pretty quickly. It was actually happening. Phil was going to lose it. Like completely lose it. It was clear on Phil's face that he was trying to hold it back, but he was losing the battle quickly. Dave stood up quickly and left the room without another word. He knew Phil wouldn't want him to watch, so instead he shut the door, and sat against it, waiting.

When Phil heard the door click shut, he slumped backwards into the bed, clutching at his head. He tried to ignore the pounding in it, that matched the stabbing pain in his chest, but it was difficult. He dug his nails into his scalp, trying to distract himself, but it didn't make a difference. He wanted to yell, to scream, to punch something, someone, to transfer this pain to them. His eyes were clamped shut, but colours started to swim in his vision. He could hear a faint voice, but he couldn't tell who it was, what they were saying. He laid there, trying to concentrate on the voice rather than the pain. Was that… was that Dan? A small part of his brain was telling him that he had lost it, finally gone crazy. He didn't care. He listen closely to the voice. The warm, familiar, caring voice. How had he not recognised it straight away? He could never forget Dan's voice. He couldn't forget anything about Dan.

It was Dan's velvet voice reassuring him. "You will not be like your dad. You couldn't be if you tried. You're too good, to amazing, to… you. It doesn't matter what your parents were like, you're still your own person. You are you, and you don't want to be like that, so you won't. It is that simple." How could Phil forget? He felt the pain decrease slightly, enough for him to think clearly. He needed to do something. He couldn't just lie here, he had to do something. Whatever had happened had caused a huge rush of adrenaline to course through his veins, and he needed to move. There was still an overwhelming need to punch something, but he tried to ignore it. He stood up quickly and he was shooting out of the room and down the stairs, his heart pounding.

Dave threw himself out of the way quickly when he thought someone had run into the door. Suddenly, Phil was running past him. Dave managed to catch a flash of wild, tear filled eyes, before he was gone. He followed the echoing footsteps down the stairwell, but when he reached the bottom, Phil was nowhere in sight. He wandered towards the living room quickly, but when he got there it was empty apart from Jake. Jake glanced up at him, and shook his head, exasperated. He sighed loudly before saying "Things are going a bit crazy round here, aren't they? He ran into the garden." Dave threw him a grateful smile, before heading out into the garden.

Phil was locked in the shed, and he'd piled some equipment against the door just in case. He needed to be alone, to think. He leant against the wall, squeezing his hands into tight fists while he waited for the last remnants of pain to subside. Only then did it hit him how close he had come to loosing it. He had been so close to hitting Dave when he was sat there. Dave, who had always cared for him, who had become a father to him. He had never really thought… sure, it had worried him, but he never knew it would be like that. He never knew it would hurt so much. He never knew how badly he would want to do it. To hurt someone. He was proud though. He was proud that he had controlled himself. He was scared, scared that he had come so close. He was…confused. Why did everything have to be so complicated?

He sat there and thought for a long time. Sometimes, when he just couldn't think anymore, he would just close his eyes and recall memories. Dan helping him paint this shed, Dan laughing at something on the TV, Dan's face as he looked through Phil's sketch book. Dan telling Phil he loved him. Then he would have to start with the thinking again. What did all that thinking get him? Nothing, except maybe more confused. He was no good at figuring stuff out on his own. He needed Dan to talk it through with him. Before Dan, he'd had PJ, but neither of them were here anymore. Phil had to cope on his own, and he wasn't doing very well. After a long… long time all he had decided to do was to make more of an effort. He was only doing it out of guilt if he was being honest. After almost hitting Dave, he figured he owed him. When Dave had been talking to him, Phil had felt guilty. He was worrying him, and he didn't want to do that, not when Dave had done so much for him.

Dave heard a few scraping noises, but ignored them. He'd been sat outside for more than 3 hours. He was sat against the cold wall, all though it didn't feel cold anymore. He was numb. He only moved when he felt something nudge his feet. He glanced up to see a pale faced, worried looking Phil. He threw him a quick smile before saying quietly "Sorry Dave. I promise I'll make more of an effort at school, ok?" Dave just nodded, shocked. Phil turned and started to walk away, but Dave called out after a second. He had just realised something. "Hey Phil" Phil spun around quickly, letting Dave know he was listening. "What happened? There were no loud noises or anything from your room or the shed. I figured that I'd hear you beating up your furniture." Phil chuckled slightly and replied simply "I didn't beat up my stuff." Dave felt his eyebrows shoot up, and he asked curiously "How?" Phil knew what he was talking about. There was no doubt in his mind that it would have been obvious to anyone what had been on his mind when Dave left. What he had felt like doing. What he had needed to do. What he had somehow managed to control.

He shrugged his shoulders and replied happily "Oh, just something Dan taught me." He spun around again and started wandering towards the doors, whispering "Even if he didn't know it."


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N GUYS I'M SORRY, REALLY! (HOW LONG'S IT BEEN, 4 DAYS?) I will give a full explanation at the bottom if you want to know why, but just know I'm sorry, ok? If I ever disappear again, just know that I will never leave you for good :D I am always coming back! On another note… **

**TWITTER: I have made a twitter account. I am cookiesthatmeow :P follow me and I'll follow back, and we can talk and laugh and everything will be magical, I promise! I love you guys :3 Then you can know when I'm writing, uploading, and I'll do some interactive stuff too :P **

**Chapter 40: Zack **

Dan turned his arm slightly, revelling at the different shades that decorated his skin. It was a mural of purples, yellows and browns mixing together in a patchwork of bruises. He pressed down on one of them lightly, wincing as a dull ache resonated through his arm. There was a loud _clunk_ as that stupid cat flap fell shut, and Dan's head shot up. His eyes were underlined by dark circles and his skin was pale. He looked nothing like the boy who had first arrived here. He had been struggling to sleep, so he didn't most of the time. Sometimes he'd fall into a slight slumber in the early hours in the morning to be awoken after about an hour by that stupid alarm. He had to pretend to sleep though. He'd learnt that if he was awake when they checked on him, he'd earn another injection. One that granted him sleep, but a fitful one. He would suffer terrible nightmares, mostly about his mother. Her telling hi, she was disappointed in her faggot of a son, that he needed to be fixed. He'd tell her that Phil meant nothing to him, that it was a mistake. That was easy. He just felt… distanced from Phil now.

He was getting better.

The worst thing about it was the fact he couldn't wake up. The mediation kept him under. He had to live through nightmares again and again throughout the night, just to wake up feeling as tired as always.

His eyes darted around the floor, and then he spotted it. A folded up piece of paper, the pure white contrasting the dirty grey floor. He stood up a stumbled over to it, trying to ignore the pain that shot up his back as he bent over. He slumped by the door and slowly began to unfold it, smoothing out the deep creases. When it was completely unfolded, he allowed his eyes to scan the black marks on the paper, allowing them to form into words, and then into coherent sentences.

_Hi Daniel. My names Zack, I'm your new nurse. Just thought I'd introduce myself so you didn't freak out later when some stranger came to give you your meds! _

Dan stared at the words for a few minutes. They seemed so nice, so happy. He didn't know how he got that from a note, but he did. He felt a sharp stabbing in his chest, and he quickly realised why. Nice, happy, Phil. That was just the natural path his mind took. Nice and happy reminded him of Phil. He shook his head quickly, and something else caught his eye, distracting him. A pencil. They'd put a pencil through the cat flap. Did they want him to write back? He had spoken to anyone, communicated with anyone, since he arrived. He just stayed quiet. Why would he want to talk to them? These people didn't care about him. He held the pencil between his fingers, staring at it, noticing how it shook in time with his trembling hand.

A while passed before he put the pencil to paper. What the hell, writing back couldn't hurt. He could always stop. They couldn't make him communicate. That was one of the few things he had control over. He had control over this decision to write back, and he had control if he decided to stop. He scribbled a quick reply, trying not to over thing things.

_Call me Dan. Don't worry, I wouldn't have had an episode or anything, I don't really pay attention to who's giving me the meds. _

He didn't know what else to write, so he dropped the pencil, watching it fall the floor with a clatter. It fell still and silence settled over the room once again, but it was broken by the _clunk _of Dan posting the note back through the flap. He didn't expect a reply. He figured the dude had probably moved on to another patient or something. Nobody would wait around for Dan to reply. He was just a stupid, troubled teenager after all. He leant back into the wall, his head tilting upwards as he tried to summon enough energy to walk back over to his bed or something. He heard a faint shuffling outside the door, and he glanced over towards the cat flap to see a large, calloused hand sliding the paper back through the flap. Dan's hand darted out quickly and he pulled the paper and pencil back towards him. He eagerly scanned Zack's reply.

_Ok, Dan it is. Episodes? _

Dan raised his eyebrows before scribbling a quick reply and shoving it through the flap, rumpling it slightly in the process.

_Oh, didn't get a chance to read my file yet? _

A few seconds passed and then the paper appeared again, and Dan could have sworn he heard a slight chuckle as he watched it flutter to the floor. He smiled slight, reaching for the now crumpled paper.

_I don't like reading files. I read enough to know the basics and the reasons for all the meds, but that's about it. All I know is that you were moved here from another unit due to 'intimate relations with another child in care'. I don't like to impose on things, so I don't read files cover to cover. I must have missed out the episodes. _

Should he tell him? What the heck. Even if he didn't tell him, even if he didn't read the file at some point, it wouldn't take long for him to find out. Another nurse would tell him, or one of the other kids. His head trembled more, so Dan had to put more effort into making sure his terrible handwriting was legible. He re-read the message a few times, unsure why he was so nervous. Why did he care what Zack thought? He was just another nurse, another person who didn't care. He slid the message through the cat flap quickly, before he could change his mind.

_I was dating someone, and some people didn't like it and targeted us. They decided that I should be sent here to protect everyone else. Sometimes I have this episodes where I just go a bit crazy. _

He decided to leave everything else out. He didn't want the one person here who seemed capable of civil conversation to abandon him when he realised what a freak Dan was. Sure, he'd find out pretty quickly, but until then Dan could enjoy the company. A moment later the note once again slipped through the flap, and Dan caught it before it hit the floor. His eyes flowed across the paper, reading the reply.

_Well, they suck. Some people are just idiots. I know it doesn't seem very fair that you got sent here because of those idiots, but sometimes we have to take whats given to us, no matter how stupid it is. Everyone needs to go a bit crazy now and then, so I can't blame you. Anyway, I have to go now, but I'll be back in a few hours to do meds and stuff. Bye Dan _

Dan scrawled a quick bye and slid the paper back through the flap. He listened as footsteps moved away from his door and down the corridor. Dan tilted his head upwards once again to stare at the ceiling. Slowly the tremors that had been rocking through his body stopped, and only then did he realise how nervous he had been. Why was he being like this? Sure he missed human contact, but still. Was he really that desperate, that lonely? The silence in the room answered him. Ok, maybe he did miss Phil. No. He just missed people. God his head hurt.

He was still sat there a few hours later when Zack returned. The crumbled piece of paper slid through the flap, and simple _hi_ written on it. Dan smiled slightly and reached for the pencil next to him. He paused for a second before scratching away on the paper, wincing slightly as he leant on the paper. Stupid bruises. He went to slide the paper back, but stopped. Why were they doing this? Why didn't they just… talk. Ok, sure, it scared Dan a bit. He didn't want to mess this up, but surely Zack thought it was weird that they had to communicate through notes. He balled the paper up and tossed into the corner before he could change his mind. He cleared his throat quietly and called out "Hey Zack, time for meds huh?" His eyes narrowed in embarrassment. He hadn't spoken for days, so of course his voice sounded strangled. There was a few seconds of silence before Zack replied. His voice was low and calming as he said "Yeah, sorry. " There was a faint rustling noise as a small plastic tray was pushed through the flap. Dan took it, ignoring the rattling of the little pills. He reached forward a took the small cup of water that Zack was holding through the flap. He placed it on the floor gingerly, not wanting to spill it.

He stared at the medication before him for a few moments before saying nervously "Um, Zack. I can't swallow pills." He heard another faint chuckle outside the door, but instead of feeling offended he just smiled slightly. Zack replied, and Dan could hear the grin in his voice "I have the same problem. I have just the thing." There was more rustling and then a small plastic bag was pushed through the flap. Biscuits. Dan raised an eyebrow but shrugged his shoulders, pulling the bag towards him. He grabbed a biscuit out of it, and without giving himself time to think, he bit into it and threw a tablet in his mouth. He grabbed the water and swallowed quickly, wincing slightly as it scratched his throat.

He took the second tablet in the same way, and then paused to give himself some time to recover. He swallowed some more water to soothe his throat and asked quickly "So, what made you want to work here?". After a few seconds Zack replied "I guess I just wanted to help people. I wanted to make people who didn't have the best start a bit happier, or something." He chuckled awkwardly. Dan replied quickly, not wanting him to feel awkward. "Very admirable kind sir" he teased, and then reached for the next tablet so that he couldn't say anything else embarrassing. After a minute he managed to swallow, and he automatically reached for the fourth pill. When he couldn't feel it, he glanced down at the plastic tray, and his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Erm, Zack?" he called, and he received a quick "Yeah" in reply. He took a deep breath and said "Wheres the fourth tablet? I normally have four jabs and stuff so…"

There was a nervous cough from the other side of the door, and Dan's eyebrows furrowed even more. He waited in silence for Zack's explanation. When nothing came, he continued, slightly worried "It's not like I'm complaining or anything, I mean I hate taking them but…" he trailed off and he heard a faint sigh before Zack replied. "No, it's fine.. just. Did they ever tell you what the hormones were for?" Dan bit the inside of his lip as he pushed gently down on a bruise on the inside of his arm and he replied quietly "no. I asked, but they never told me." He heard a more irritated sigh this time, and when Zack replied, he sounded annoyed. "I didn't think so. I was pretty sure you had no idea, or you wouldn't have taken them." He fell silent again, so Dan tried to lighten the mood. "Well I didn't really have a choice" he joked, but Zack didn't laugh, he couldn't blame him really.

"Dan, they were using an experimental treatment. The hormones they were meant to… well they were meant to make you straight."

"Oh." Dan said quietly. Oh. Yeah, it was lame, but it was all he could think to say. He guessed that was why he felt so distant from Phil. They hadn't grown apart, they'd been forced apart. By chemicals. "Oh" he repeated. Zack spoke after a few seconds, sounding worried "Dan? You ok? Look, I've taken you off the meds, ok?" Dan swallowed and asked quietly, so quietly he wasn't sure how Zack heard him, "So will I… um… start having feelings for him again?" There was a long silence, and Dan started to wonder if Zack had left. He jumped slightly when he finally replied.

"Did you ever stop?"

Another silence fell. Dan thought. When Zack had told him, a small part of him had been angry, outraged even. It had just been smothered by the part that felt nothing. On the rare occasions he thought about Phil, he still felt faint pangs of sadness, of loss, of… love. "No" he said, a lot louder than he meant to. He continued, quieter "I never stopped, it just got buried under… nothing. That makes no sense does it? Of course it doesn't." Zack's voice interjected quickly, before Dan could continue rambling "Who cares if it makes sense? As long as you know how you feel. Oh god, that sounded too deep…" he trailed of, and Dan was shocked to find himself laughing. "Glad to see I'm not the only one who doesn't do deep and meaningful." He choked out, still laughing. Zack's laughter joined his, the noise mingling until it died down, both managing to calm themselves. "Yeah, well, while we're on the deep and meaningful, I have something for you." There was the familiar click of the flap opening, but it didn't clunk shut. A hand was reaching through it, holding…

"TOTORO!" Dan exclaimed, excited. He didn't think he'd ever see it again, Phil would kill him. He pulled the plush from his hand, which remained in the flap, and held it tightly too his chest. He inhaled deeply, but was disappointed to discover it didn't smell like Phil. He heard more chuckling and then Zack said happily "Yeah, it was in the office, the others were laughing about how you were too old to have a teddy. I snuck it out, figured it probably had sentimental meaning or something." Dan laughed lightly, his chest feeling lighter than it had in a while. "Phil gave it to me" Dan informed him, a huge grin breaking across his face. Zack replied cheerily "So I was right, sentimental value. I guess Phil was your boyfriend" Dan nodded, then remembered Zack couldn't see him. "Yeah" he sighed, rubbing the soft fluff of the plushie. He heard shuffling outside and saw the hand move slightly as Zack said "I'm gonna have to go soon, but I'll see you later, ok?" The hand started to draw out of the flap, but Dan slid forward and managed to catch it before Zack was gone. He ignored the pain as the flap fell shut on his wrist, probably adding another bruise to the patchwork. He gave Zack's hand a quick squeeze and whispered "Thanks" before pulling his hand back and sliding away from the door.

There was a slight pause, and Dan felt heat in his cheeks as he blushed. Had he really just done that? Great, he just creeped out the one friend he had. Then Zack spoke, his voice worried. "Dan, what's wrong with your wrists?" Dan felt his heart race increase, and he stuttered "Oh- uh, they weren't th-the nicest when giving me the injections. They had to- to restrain me and uh…" his voice trailed off, and after a moment of silence Zack spoke again.

"Ok, if you're sure. See you."

"See you."

Dan listened as the footsteps echoed down the corridor, then stood up and wandered over to his bed, sitting precariously on the edge. He rummaged under his pillow for a moment and then withdrew the yellow paper, staring at the writing sprawled across it.

_I love you _

Dan felt a small twinge in his chest as he read those words, and he whispered to himself "I love you too". The bruises that covered his wrist drew his attention away from the note, and Dan found himself thankful that Phil was not here to see that.

"I love you too, no matter what they do."

**A/N So yeah, why did I abandon you guys. Well it was my birthday, and people forgot. Not that big of a deal, but yeah. So I was busy with stuff like that, and then I hit… existential crisis! Yes, I had the amazing exisitential crisis number… I don't know I lost count a long time ago. I think it was mainly triggered by the fact I've changed my A-level choices about 6 times, and I still don't know if I'm happy with them. I was all excited about chemistry, but I did a taster and that is seriously the hardest thing ever, especially because I'm a procrastinator. I'd been wanting to swap out geography (even though I needed it for my uni course) for media, but I decided to swap chemistry for media instead. I went to a media taster and it was really fun but also amazingly difficult, and considering I'm also doing biology I figured I wouldn't be able to cope. I'd also gone to a health and social care taster and it seemed really interesting, and there's no exams because it's a BTEC so… I've settled on Biology, Drama (the only thing I'm genuinely excited about), geography and Health and social… I think. But a lot of people aren't happy with my choices and I get a feeling me in general, so I'm still fielding that. This all lead to the typical questions- do I really want to do this? Am I wasting my elife/talent/creativity? I also had a Minnie crisis where I realised that the few friends I have aren't really my friends and just… ugh. I got overwhelmed I guess :3 So I tried to distract myself in many (mostly stupid and plain bad) ways. One of the good things I did though was read the fault in our stars, something I'd been planning to do for ages, and I'm now addicted. I read the whole book in one sitting, and cried. And cried. You get the picture. I've now moved on to looking for alaska, so yeah. Loads of other things happened that you guys don't want to know about and I reached the point of refusing to leave my bed and just lying there because I didn't want to have to face people, but I'm back. This just happens sometimes, but I always come back guys! I'm really sorry once again! I love you guys, kay? (less than three) **

**If any of you guys have got problems, PM me ok? One of the things I'm actually proud of is that I'm good at helping others, even if I can't help myself. No-one's ever alone, I guarantee someone is going through the same thing, or has gone through it and come out the other end. Plus, you would actually be helping me by letting me focus on other people's problems rather than mine for a while. **

**So yeah, you guys are awesome (especially papayallama, your review was amazing just like you, and just, yeah. I don't think Dan would read this, it's a bit long!) Also, merlin lover, I'm sorry about making you cry :'( I hope this chapter made you feel a little better! Gemstone, cry when you wish my dear, we don't need you to explode all over this lovely site! I might send this to a publisher, I never would have but then I watched nerimon and found out that 50 shades of grey was FREAKING TWILIGHT FANFICTION so yeah, maybe. Alice, THANK YOU you wonderful human being! I promise it won't hurt when we finally reach the end :3 I pinky promise you all from the bottom of my heart that I won't stop updating :D **

**So yeah, if you read that till the end you are literally my best friend. Follow me on twitter and all that jazz so this amazing friendship can blossom! **


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N If you follow me on twitter, you'll know about my mouse crisis. My cat is now addicted to mice, not cat nip. She brought today's second mouse in, but it was still alive. I had to catch it in a shoebox, and it is now safe with bread in water. I just hope it doesn't chew through the cardboard and attempt a GREAT ESCAPE, or my cat will probably get it again. I called him Thomas, I wonder if Phil would like him? **

**Chapter 41: Help**

Phil banged his head on the desk, trying to make himself concentrate. God, he was useless. He couldn't even keep one simple promise. He'd never found school hard, he just couldn't seem to do it anymore. The loud ringing vibrated through his ears, and he sighed as he stood. Too late now, school was over. He'd have to try again tomorrow.

He slung his bag quickly over his shoulder and he was the first out the room. He stood in the corridor for a moment, disorientated. It took him a minute to remember what lesson he'd just had, and how to get to the car park from there. After a minute he started trudging slowly towards the staircase, mind wandering to the phone in his pocket. Dan still hadn't text him.

He heard a loud noise, but before he could register what he was, there was a sudden and fleeting pressure on his side, which caused him to call out in pain. He hit the wall. Hard. His head was thrown back and collided with the hard surface, causing pain to flourish quickly through his head. He groaned quietly and his eyes fluttered open slowly, to be met with the cold eyes of another. Who the hell was that? Phil slowly came back to his senses, and he looked around slowly, wincing at the pain in his head. He was surrounded by a group of guys, none of which he knew. He recognised them, they hung out with Jake a lot, but he didn't know any of their names. He recognised a few of them from the sixth form, but he figured most of them were from the lower school. He let out another involuntary groan, and someone on the left sniggered. He brought his gaze back to the front, hoping the stinging in his side would subside.

The boy in front of him had dark brown hair which largely contrasted the clear green eyes. They weren't a nice green. They reminded Phil of poison. A quick smirk fluttered across the boy's lips and he spoke in a brittle voice. "Wheres you boyfriend now fag?" he taunted "I heard he got taken away. Probably for his own safety, pedo." Phil swallowed, everything was starting to spin slightly, and he did not want to be sick in front of these idiots. "I-it doesn't matter w-where he is, he's still my boyfriend" he stuttered weakly as his legs began to shake. More sniggers, hissed insults that Phil couldn't really hear. The bang to the head had caused his ears to ring. The boy in front of him said something, but his voice sounded faint and far away. Then they swarmed.

He felt fists and feet connect with his face and ribs, and his head was smashed repeatedly into the wall. Everything was dull, and Phil found himself thinking about his mum, and how it must have felt to be treated like this every day, whether he'd see her again…

Jake walked quickly through the corridors, tapping away at his phone. He glanced up every now and then to make sure there were no teachers. He didn't fancy having his phone confiscated until tomorrow. He rounded a corner quickly, typing out a quick text to his best friend, but he glanced up suddenly when he heard shouting. There was a huge group of people, mainly consisting of his 'mates', and they seemed to have someone against the wall. He glanced back down at his phone quickly. He normally would have joined in, but he just didn't feel like it at the moment. Bullies have a good time in the moment, when they punch, kick and shout, but they didn't see the aftermath. Watching Phil these days well… it hurt to look at him. No matter how much he tried to hide it, it was obvious he was hurting a lot. The idea that a bunch of bullies had caused that… well Jake didn't want to make anyone feel that way anymore. He was just going to walk past, leave them to it. Hope they didn't notice him.

He was just sneaking round the back of the group when he heard a weak and broken voice whispering "I miss you." Jake heard the faint clunk as his bag hit the floor. That was Phil. He'd know that voice anywhere. After all, he'd lived with him for god knows how many years. He elbowed his way harshly through the crowd, hoping he'd just heard it wrong. It wouldn't be Phil. He was in the car park right now… no he wasn't. The skinny boy was right in front of him, eyes shut, crumpled as though he was about to collapse. There was blood trickling lightly out of his nose, and his hair was matted with scarlet. Jake shoved another person out of his way and spun around quickly, planting his feet in front of Phil.

"What the fuck?" he yelled loudly, voice strong. There was a short silence as everyone revelled in what was happening, and then someone stepped forward. John. His best friend. "What's wrong?" he asked a small smirk on his face. Jake's eyes widened in disbelief and he replied angrily "What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't you think he's gone through enough?" He watched as John raised his eyebrows, smirk growing wider as he replied "Since when did you care about the queer?" Another small silence as Jake considered his reply. Did he care, really? Why didn't he let them continue? He felt ill at the thought. He decided quickly that he cared because he'd put Phil through enough himself, and Phil really didn't need this shit right now. "Since I realised he's a nice guy who doesn't deserve shit from YOU" he answered sincerely, before continuing "Now all of you piss of before I have to use violence" he said kindly, sarcasm coating his voice.

Everyone drifted off slowly, murmuring to each other. Jake turned around quickly and reached out to Phil, amazed that he was still standing. He pulled the trembling boy to him and slid his arm over his shoulders, supporting him. He turned around slowly, trying not to jostle him too much, and he almost dropped him. John was still there. "What do you want?" he growled, but didn't give him a chance to reply. "Why would you do this? Did I ever say it was OK? No. You're such a twat! Why?" It didn't take John long to reply. That stupid smirk was still painted on his face as he replied carelessly "He's a fag." Jake felt heat flood through him as he tried to keep calm. He couldn't launch himself at him when he was holding Phil up. Phil who was quietly groaning beside him. "I was wrong. There's nothing wrong with it, ok?" Another damn silence. This silence was longer, heavier. Jake's words hung in the air.

Eventually it was shattered by John's teasing tone. "If nothing's wrong with it, you won't mind if I call you a queer." Jake stayed silent, focusing on holding the older boy up and not dropping him to punch the idiot he'd thought was his friend. The silence stretched out for a few seconds before John chuckled and said "I never would have guessed." Jake tried to ignore the intense heat that had overwhelmed every other sense. After a few more seconds he managed to hiss "Just leave." He watched as John shrugged his shoulders and began to walk away.

He spun around quickly, throwing a forceful punch into Phil's gut before sprinting down the corridor. Jake quickly wiped his eyes and was filled with the urge to chase him, but he was quickly distracted by the retching noises coming from next to him.

Phil had been spinning in darkness, even though he could feel a steady body next to his. Everything was a dull ache, but it was all starting to come into focus. He could feel the different aches and sharp pains all over his body, feel the warmth of something trickling down the back of his neck. Then a sudden pain bloomed into a huge ache in his stomach. His eyes snapped open as he felt a burning travelling into his chest. Before he could take anything in the burning flew up his throat and he was vomiting all over the floor. He felt a gentle squeeze on his shoulder, and he retched a few more times before straightening up slightly. He felt himself being led gently backwards and he slid down the wall. His ears were finally starting to stop ringing, and he glanced over at the person next to him. Jake? Yeah, Jake. Wow. He was talking, a phone pressed tightly against his ear.

"Yeah, OK. Outside room 17. Thanks Dave, see you soon."

Phil looked straight ahead again, quickly. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't really sure what had happened, but one thing was obvious. Jake had stood up for him. He had his lips pressed tightly together, unsure of what to say. After a few seconds the voice next to him said quietly "Dave's probably going to want to take you to a hospital." Phil replied quickly in a whisper, voice hoarse. "It's fine, he'll be able to fix me up." Jake touched the back of his head gently, but Phil still winced. When he pulled his hand away, it was startlingly scarlet. Phil shrugged slightly, wincing again, before saying calmly "head wounds bleed a lot, it's fine." Jake chuckled slightly before saying "Always with the reassurance. Always with the analysis." Phil flashed him a small smile before replying awkwardly "Uh, yeah. I guess." Jake gave a small chuckle, but when he spoke again, his voice sounded timid. "Look, Phil. I, uh, just wanted to say, don't listen to what they say. They're idiots ok? I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have done what I did. After watching what people like me can put others through, well, it's disgusting." His voice trembled slightly "And I'm sorry, ok? Really, really sorry. You were both a lot better than most of us. So yeah, just don't listen to them. Or me, for that matter." Phil grinned slightly and replied quietly "It's fine Jake, seriously. Thanks by the way, for all this, you're not that bad really. " He tried to lighten the mood by tacking on" The words are fine, it's the punches that I can't ignore!"

Jake didn't laugh. His phone buzzed after a few seconds and he glanced at it before saying quietly "Dave's nearly here."

**A/N In response to Mimi's response: I would like to thank YOU for just being amazing! And I agree, reality is awful. I easily prefer all you guys to the *shudders* real world. And don't worry, my whole rooms a tip, not just the desk :3 I can't even remember when I left school, it was months ago :P so I'm amazed my writing has stayed neat :3 **

**Alice: Thanks for the review you great person! I would never leave you guys, why would I? You're all so amazing :P I've nearly finished looking for Alaska and I haven't actually cried yet! YAY! **

**Gemstone: Thanks for the birthday cake, it was beautiful :D And thanks for the support lol **

**Guest: Sorry about your tears D: And the story would happily marry you :D AND I PROMISE, I COULDN'T BEAR TO WRITE IT OTHERWISE! I won't just end it, don't worry :P **

**Also, a HUGE THANK YOU to Katethecrazy for being hugely supportive and great. You guys should check out her youtube channel :D And another huge THANKS to papayallama because she came up with the most creative idea for this story ever, which I have changed slightly and decided to incorporate in the sequel, so YAY YOU CREATIVE PERSON! **


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N Hi guys, this is a BONUS CHAPTER! I never planned this chapter in, but after starting this whole Jake thing, I need to continue it. WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM! So yeah, you guys get an extra chapter. So after this one, there are 20 (planned!) chapters left :3 also, I have a 4 HOUR dress rehearsal for Oliver today. I'm going to be exhausted. And I'll probably die of heat exhaustion. **

**Chapter 42: Changing **

Jake yawned loudly as he grabbed his towel and a change of clean clothes before heading lazily out into the corridor. He could hear shouting on the floor below as Dave tried to wake everyone up. He could have sworn he heard one of the littles whine "don't want tooooooo" and he chuckled quietly. He glanced at the clock on the wall. 7:00. He couldn't hear Phil's voice, so he was probably in his room. That meant he'd gotten up early again, and the kids were already prepared for the boring day ahead. Poor Dave would have to keep an eye on them until it was time to go. He started towards the bathroom with another loud yawn before yelling "Phil, you better not still be hogging the bathroom! Straighten your hair in your own room!" He pushed lightly against the door, and it didn't budge, proving his suspicions. Someone had beaten him to the bathroom. Damn Phil. He leant against the wall, exhausted. He really needed to stop writing well into the night, but there wasn't any other time when he could do it without being discovered. He heard a creak and he glanced through his fringe, which had grown much too long, to see Phil poking his head out of his room. He glanced at Jake and poked his tongue out quickly before shrugging his shoulders and calling back "Not me! Zeena must be in there!". His head disappeared back ibnto his room, and Jake breathed a sigh of relief. Phil looked bad.

He had a yellowing black eye, and his nose still looked swollen to Jake, even if he was adamant it wasn't broken. There were a few purple bruises along his cheeks and neck, and Jake could have sworn he saw a small cut on his shoulder. Phil had refused to go to hospital, so Dave had done his best to fix him up. They'd managed to find some surgical tape to fix the cuts on the back and side of his head together to stop the bleeding. Jake was worried he might have been concussed, but he seemed fine today. Well, better than he was yesterday. He'd watched discreetly through the small window in Dave's office door while he fixed Phil up. He needed to know what those assholes had done! Anyway, throughout the procedure, no matter how hard he obviously tried, he couldn't keep the look of pain, of pure agony, off his face. There were moments when he opened his mouth as if to call out, but he snapped it shut again quickly, allowing no noise to escape.

He definitely looked better than he had yesterday.

Jake banged loudly on the door and whined "Zeena, hurry up! Or you can clean my piss of the floor!" A few seconds later the door swung open slightly and the small girl bustled out, staring at the floor. She didn't glance at him once. She was just reaching for her door handle when Jake, who hadn't moved an inch, spoke. "Everything alright?" he asked, trying to sound gentle. She glanced up, startled, and Jake was reminded of a deer caught in headlights. She nodded quickly in response before leaping into her room and closing the door. Jake shrugged his shoulders slightly before thinking _note to self, keep an eye on Zeena._ He stumbled tiredly into the bathroom and dumped his stuff carelessly onto the floor. He brushed his teeth quickly and swilled mouth wash around his mouth, grimacing at the taste. He showered and threw on his clothes, not caring that they were crinkled from being on the floor. He grabbed his now damp towel and jogged the short distance to his room. He tossed his towel into the washing basket, eyes still half shut in tiredness, before turning and glancing around his room. The piles of paper that were scattered next to his bed caught his attention immediately, and he felt his heart rate increase. He was such an idiot! He must have fallen asleep before he could put them away.

_Did I leave the door open? Did anyone see them? Who cares? I fucking do. _

He grabbed the crumpled pieces of paper quickly and shoved them behind his desk, before glancing around to make sure he hadn't forgotten any. He was such an idiot. It took him a moment, but finally his heart rate slowed again, and he was able to think. _Even if they saw the paper, they wouldn't be able to see what was on it. Not unless they came in, and nobody here would do that. _He took a deep breath before shoving his school books into his bag and walked nervously towards the staircase.

When he got to the dining table, everyone was there apart from Phil. He slumped into a chair, tossing his backpack under the table before reaching for a piece of toast. He slid it onto his plate and stared at it, not really hungry. He thought about the night before, and realised some of that paper needed to e tossed. He hadn't been thinking to clearly last night, especially when it passed four o'clock in the morning. Some of the stuff he'd written was terrible. He'd look at it all and toss it when he got back.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been staring blankly at his toast when he heard someone stumble. He glanced up to find a slightly blushing Phil who was holding onto the back of his chair for support. He managed to blush through bruises. He sat down quickly and glanced up, meeting Jake's eyes. Jake flashed him a quick grin before glancing at the clock. 7:55. They had to go in 5 minutes. What had taken Phil so long? He was dressed at 7. Jake glanced over at him again, and although the bruises were plainly visible, contrasting his pale skin, you couldn't see any of the cuts on his head. Had he seriously spent almost an hour straightening his hair so that nobody would be able to see the tape? Who was he kidding? He spent his time hiding pieces of paper.

Soon they were all being herded into the minibus, and he saw Emily motion him to sit in his usual seat. He wasn't sure why, but his legs kept on moving until he was at the back of the bus, and he plonked himself down next to the dark haired boy. He was staring at his lap, his hair hiding his face. When he felt Jake sit next to him, he glanced up and raised his eyebrows slightly. Jake gave him a small smile to let him know… what? That he wasn't going to start taking the piss out of him? He'd told him that was he doing? He shook his head slightly, trying to distract himself.

"Soooo, how's school?" Jake asked quietly, hoping to fall into a normal conversation. Phil stayed quiet for a moment before replying "It's alright. Boring, but it is school." Jake chuckled slightly before asking "When do you get your results?" Phil's eyebrows furrowed slightly. He replied after a minute with a quiet "August. I don't even know were I'll be living then." Jake through him a sympathetic smile before asking "You excited about leaving?" Phil returned the smile before saying nervously "Not really excited I guess. I'm, you know, happy to be going. Everyone has to leave eventually; it's just… scary I guess. I'm looking forward to finding Dan and to not being under constant surveillance, but… I don't want to leave." Jake laughed again, eyebrows raised in disbelief. "I can't wait to get out of here!" he exclaimed, and watched as a grin broke across Phil's face. "I remember feeling like that. Everyone's really excited, before it actually happens. It doesn't feel like reality at your age. You know it's coming, but you don't ever think it will. When you get close, that's when it hits you. I don't want to scare you!" he reassured quickly "I'm sure it won't be that bad. It's just different. You have to do everything yourself. Cook, clean, clothes washing, pay rent, go shopping… how am I going to remember it all?" Jake stayed quiet for a long time.

Eventually they'd dropped Oliver and Lucy off, and they were on their way to school. Jake cleared his throat slightly before whispering "You're responsible and mature and all that, you'll do fine" before Phil could reply, Jake's phone vibrated in his jeans pocket. Jake slid it out quickly, feeling awkward. He typed the pass code in quickly and glanced carelessly at the message.

_Where are you, ugly faggot? There's a lot of people who want to talk to you._

Jake swallowed slightly before looking at who sent it. John. He had such a good taste in friends. Violent idiots whose only hobbies were smoking, drinking and fighting. He quickly reminded himself that he was one of those idiots. He started to type out and angry reply, and was just about to hit send, when Phil spoke. "What's up?" he asked, and Jake was startled to hear that he sounded concerned. He glanced up at Phil, who continued quickly "I mean, you just looked a bit annoyed, that's all." Jake's mouth formed into a small half smile before he shrugged his shoulders carelessly and replied "It's nothing". Phil raised his eyebrows questioningly, but turned to stare out the window again. Jake was glad he didn't ask any more questions. What would he have said? Oh, yeah, my mates hate me and want to beat me up because I stood up for you and now they think I'm gay? No. He knew what Phil was like. He'd blame himself, and it was now obvious to Jake that Phil already had a lot on his plate. He glanced back down at his reply, and remembered the advice he'd given Phil. _Don't listen to them. _He deleted his reply and had just slid his phone in his bag when they pulled up in the car park.

He wandered aimlessly through the busy corridors, head down, unsure off where he was going. He didn't have any money to buy a snack, so there was no point in going to the cafeteria. He'd spent his break money on a packet of ciggies which he couldn't smoke because his damn English teacher confiscated them. There was nothing to do during breaks in this damn place. No way was he going to sixth form! He couldn't wait to get out of here. He started to wander towards a door, figuring he could just sit outside, when someone stepped in front of him. He glanced up to be met by John's piercing stare. _Great. _"Move" he mumbled, before glancing down again. He really did not want to be doing this. John arched one long eyebrow, eyes glittering and his typical smirk on his lips. The smirk Jake knew so well. "So, you fucking the Lester kid now then?" he asked, pure hatred dripping from his voice. Jake bit the inside of his lip. Hard. He needed to stay calm; he needed to get out of this situation without losing it. If he lost it, he'd say something he'd regret. He took a deep breath before replying "You shouldn't make assumptions John." He watched as John burst into huge, loud peals of laughter, and Jake just stood there, waiting. That's when he realised that it wasn't just John.

He heard more laughter, and glanced around quickly. Everyone was there, all of them. All the people he used to call his friends. He quickly turned his attention back to John, and focused on his breathing. Eventually his 'best friend' stopped laughing and said "I must admit, I never had you down for a queer. If I did I never would have let you stay round my house! You better not have looked at me you freak" he spat. Jake smirked and replied "I'm looking at you right now, aren't I? Don't worry though, if I was gay I'd have a better taste in boys." Huh. Some of Dan's sarcasm must have rubbed off on him. Then he was shoved backwards roughly. He glanced around, looking for a gap in the circle. Nope. They'd done this to many times. They were good. He sighed, he knew what he'd have to do.

He waited, watched as John approached him, his mouth moving ferociously as he screamed insults at him. Jake wasn't listening. He waited until he had just stepped within his reached, and then his arm shot out quickly. It was a quick, sharp and simple jab to the jaw. It was enough to startle him. He heard the flurry of movement around him, and he flew quickly into action. He grabbed John's shoulders and pushed him down, bringing his knee up. He gave him a quick knee to the stomach to wind him so that he couldn't chase him. He tossed him to the floor, and turned to the others. He was going to have to wing the rest of this, there was too many.

After a few minutes of throwing fists, kicking and doing anything really to break out of the crowd, he was out. He darted outside and paused for a few seconds, breathing heavily, before deciding what to do. A few minutes later he had managed to wander into a bathroom without running into anyone. He took a deep breath before turning to look at himself in the mirror. His nose was gushing blood, it was dripping off his chin. His face was covered in scratches, and he was pretty sure his eye was starting to swell. "Fuck" he murmured. He had history next, they wouldn't miss him. Heck, none of his teachers would miss him. He sighed, grabbed some tissue, held it over his nose, and headed out.

By the time he reached the nurses office, the pure white tissue was drenched in blood. He walked in without knocking, and tossed it into the bin before turning to face the nurse. She sighed when she saw him, and motioned for him to go sit on the bed. He gave her a weak, unsure smile before sitting down. She rolled her eyes as she grabbed a thick wedge of gauze and placed it under his nose. She tilted his head back and pinched his nose, a bored look on her face. They stayed silent until the bleeding finally stopped, and then she moved away, getting something else from her kit. Jake prodded his nose gently, and winced. Sore, but everything felt normal. She came back over and started rubbing something into the scratches, making them sting like hell. "So, did the poor kid actually get you back this time then?" she asked, voice irritated. Jake furrowed his eyebrows before asking quietly "what?". She shook her head disbelievingly before replying "We all know you and your mates like to beat people up. I had that pale sixth former with the dark hair in here less than 20 minutes ago." She stepped away, wiping her hands on a bit of tissue, and staring at him accusingly. He shook his head quickly before replying "No, this time I was the victim. I've ditched all those so called mates, and I guess I'm sort of mates with Ph- with the sixth former now, which they don't like." She studied him for a minute before granting him a small smile and nodding her head. "Well, good for you. Now off to lessons, and try not to get in anymore fights." He nodded at her before leaving.

The bell rang, signalling that it was time to lunch. Jake sighed, and with his bag hanging loosely off his shoulder, he started towards the cafeteria. A few minutes later he slumped into a chair at an empty table, and glanced around. It was almost completely empty. He shrugged, pulling his lunch out of his bag. Suddenly, he glanced up from his food to find the canteen packed, noisy, and a group of people… John was there, staring at him. Shit. He'd blanked. Fuck, he hadn't done that in ages. He thought he'd finished with that, he couldn't be… he stood up quickly, grabbing his bag. He started walking through the canteen, when he saw someone familiar. Zeena. He started heading towards her, remembering his promise to keep an eye on her. When he got closer, he saw she was sat at a busy table. Everyone was giggling and joking. She was smiling at them all. Even if she wasn't talking, she was still included. She was happy. He turned around again quickly, and started wandering in a different direction. He had nobody.

He continued to wander through the maze of tables until he was finally free of the dangerous labyrinth that was the canteen. He leant against the wall for a moment, trying to concentrate. He would not blank again. It was those stupid moments that had landed him where he was. He needed to talk to somebody about it, but he had no-one. He knew he should tell Dave, but he didn't want to end up back in a medical ward. Ok, he wouldn't tell anyone. He just couldn't be alone right now. He had no-one.

Who could he go to?

He knew someone who he could go see, but he didn't know whether that would be weird or… he sighed, and headed towards the sixth form. At least he could ask him who had beat him up.

He stood nervously in the doorway, looking in on the sixth form common room. His eyes scanned the room, and a finally he caught a glimpse of raven black hair. He headed over, staring at the floor. He glanced up when he reached the table Phil was sat at. He was alone. "Erm, hi Phil." He said nervously, fiddling with the sleeves of his t-shirt. He flicked his hair in front of his face, hoping to cover the swollen eye. Phil glanced at him a smiled before saying "Hi! Wanna sit with me for a bit?" Jake nodded gratefully and sat down, still fiddling with his sleeves. He heard Phil cough slightly but he didn't glance up. "You ok Jake, you just seem a bit… off?" he asked cautiously, and Jake replied quickly "What do you mean?" He heard a stifled chuckle and then Phil explained "Come on, you're the opposite of me. You're confident and all that, so why are you all of a sudden acting like me? Not talking, making eye contact, just staring at your hands. Jake, I've been doing all that stuff for years, I can tell something's up." It was Jake's turn to stifle a laugh as he replied "maybe it's time I act a bit more humble." Phil laughed properly this time, before giving up on the questioning with a quiet "fair enough".

They talked about Phil's school work for a while, Jake still staring at the floor. Then Jake's phone buzzed. He reached in his bag, trying to be discreet. Once he had extracted it from his earphones, he glanced wearily at the message.

_I hope you die, pathetic faggot. _

Fair enough, Jake thought to himself. Just because you hope something, doesn't mean it will happen. He wanted to text back, but he forced himself to toss his phone back in his bag. He sighed, and Phil asked quietly "Whose texting you". Jake forgot for a moment, and made the mistake of glancing up. He saw Phil's eyebrows raise in surprise and he gasped out "Did your mates do this to you?" Jake shrugged and replied quietly "Well, they're not really my mates anymore." He watched as Phil processed the information, and a look of guilt spread quickly over his face. "Because you protected me" he stated quietly, and Jake shook his head quickly "No, because I realised that we were all idiots, and now they think I'm gay" he shrugged his shoulders again. He saw Phil swallow and then he whispered, voice hoarse "Have they been texting you stuff to? I swear if you shrug your shoulders one more time.." Jake grinned and chuckled lightly before replying "Yeah, but like I said to you, just don't listen." He was desperate to stop talking about this, so he turned it around quickly by continuing "speaking of you, the nurse says you were in a fight too. Who was it?" Phil smiled sadly before replying "Just some idiots in sixth form. And a 'fight' suggests I fought back. I was beaten up" he laughed nervously. Jake bit his tongue, not wanting to shout.

"What can I do?" he asked simply, but Phil shook his head quickly. "Nothing. I leave soon anyway, I don't have to deal with it for much longer". Jake scanned his face quickly, but the only new injury he could see was a scratch across his cheek. He nodded slowly, dropping it.

Finally it was the end of the day, and Jake and Phil collapsed on the back row. Oliver and Lucy were already there, very hyper and perky, bouncing in their seats. The minute they sat down, Oliver turned to Jake and spoke happily, but quietly. "When we get home I'm going to hide in the cupboard and watch…." He carried on talking and Jake half listened, nodding his head and throwing Phil small smiles every now and then. Phil was just watching in awe, amazed at how Oliver was adapting to everything. At some point during Oliver's little speech, Lucy had dragged her homework out of her bag, and was trying to read a sentence. Jake heard her stutter and stumble with one word, and curiously glanced at the sheet. Without saying a word, he pointed out a letter that she was missing out, and she gave him a quick smile before working her way through the word once more. Eventually they arrived home, and as they climbed out the bus, Jake could have sworn he heard Lucy whisper "I like Jake". When he turned around, Phil had a huge grin on his face.

That had been one hell of a day. Jake had wandered up to his room as soon as he could, and he was sat on his bed, head in hands. He took a deep breath before standing up and walking determinedly over to his door. He shut it quietly, and then dragged a small but heavy bookcase over to the door. He then wandered to his wardrobe, opened it and dug around for a second before pulling out a battered guitar case. He unzipped it and pulled out a shiny guitar and closed the case again. He reached behind the desk, searching blindly for a few minutes, before pulling the paper out. He scanned over all of them, ripping a few up before tossing them in the bin. Eventually he was done, and he began to strum, his fingers moving nimbly over the strings.

He felt himself disappearing into the sensations. The vibrations of the strings, the strong and smooth sounds, the feeling he got deep in his stomach whenever he sang. He didn't normally do this unless he was home from school, sick, but he needed his release, and he really didn't feel like writing at the moment. He wanted to play. It had been too long.

Darkness was falling outside when he finally stopped, his fingers sore and red, but the rest of his muscles were relaxed. He let out a long sigh before returning his guitar and songs to their hiding place. He pulled the bookcase back into place, and was about to open the door when he saw something white on the floor. He picked it up and unfolded the small piece of paper. Written on it with neat hand writing were the words

_You're good._

He didn't know who had heard him playing, and whether they were being sarcastic, but he found he didn't care. He'd worked so hard to keep it a secret; it had taken a bit of the joy out of it. Maybe he'd tell somebody about it, someday. Until then, he was certain he was going to be fine. They weren't stupid; they wouldn't try and fight him again. He could cope with name calling, especially after today. He just felt as though… he sort of had a family here now. Oliver and Lucy liked him, and so did Phil, even if he was leaving soon.

He was going to be Ok. He had a family again.

**A/N I have prom today :D Now to reply to you amazing people! But first, HUGE shout out to mariaelzaholly for being the NICEST and most AMAZING and understanding person ever! You made me smile :D and I'm glad you like the story :3 **

**Leah: Thank you, glad you like it :D My twitter is cookiesthatmeow :3 **

**Potatoes-are-not-for-sex: I seriously only have to see your username now and I smile:D thanks for all your amazing reviews! I hope your feels don't break, that would make me sad, and then my feels might break :P **

**Papayallama: I love you too you stranger! I promise that we will eventually get to some more Phan love, ok? I'm sorry for making you wait, I'm mean like that :D **

**Alice: I'm thanking you again, you awesome person! :P IT'S GOING TO BE A MOVIE? Apparently so is another one of his books, I think it's called paper towns? or paper houses? Something to do with paper :P I finished looking for Alaska, and felt like a horrible human being because I didn't cry :) it did make me sad though, especially when they all blamed themselves, and when he thought it was a prank :( **

**Amanda. : Thanks, you are amazing! I can't remember if I replied in a PM, but thank you for the review! It is one long rollercoaster, but thanks for saying it's worthwhile :D **

**Mimi von Unruh: Jake was secretly my fave character too, so I had to give him his little moment and let him redeem himself! I don't even know why I liked him that much, I just did! :D I love out little german chats on twitter, if only we'd done this before my exam, it would have classed as revision! **

**So, I guess I'll see you guys soon! Hopefully Friday! I'm busy at the moment, today is prom, Friday and Saturday I have a performance and Sunday I leave to stay with my dad. I might not be able to upload while I'm at his, it depends if there's a computer I can use! If there isn't I will write loads of chapters in my notebook and type them up when I get home, so you'll get like 3 chapters in one day! But I should update before Sunday anyway! See you soon! :D **


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43 : Come in**

Dan stared at the door, absentmindedly stroking totoro as he waited. Small parts of his body were throbbing dully, and he had the beginning of a headache, but he was still. The only movement was the steady rise and fall of his chest, showing that the boy was indeed alive. One of his sleeves was rolled up slightly, displaying the scattering of old and new bruises mottling his skin.

Eventually the body stirred. His head rose slightly as he watched a small piece of pale dance to the floor, and a slight smile broke across his face. He stood up slowly, wincing slightly as his arm brushed against the bed frame. He stumbled over to the paper, and picked it up, blinking rapidly.

_Hey, do you want to talk today or… _

He chuckled quietly to himself before wandering slowly back to his bed. He smiled again before coughing quietly and calling out, voice slightly hoarse "Yeah, we can talk. When we pass notes I feel like I'm back in school." There was a loud laugh outside the door, and Dan sighed quietly before slumping back onto the bed and wrapping his arms around totoro. There was a quick reply, the voice loud and steady. "Speaking of school…" Dan interrupted quickly, voice a little stronger "I'm still thinking about it. I don't want to have the lessons with the weird tutor dude. Your… urm… you're the only one I talk to here, so…" his voice trailed off but he picked up the sentence again quickly, not giving Zack a chance to interrupt. He hoped he'd been talking to fast for him to hear what he'd said. "I'm thinking about taking my science exam though, if it's not to late, because my teacher thought I'd do well. I'm still thinking about it."There was a quieter chuckle outside, and when it died a heavy silence settled.

After a few minutes Zack spoke again, quieter this time. "Dan, that's not what I meant by the note…" his voice trailed off, showing his nervousness. He wasn't sure whether this was crossing the boundary, but it was something he needed to know. Partly because it was his job, partly because… well…

Dan buried his head quickly in the softness of the plush, before mumbling, just loud enough for Zack to hear "I know what you meant." The silence fell again, and Dan swallowed nervously. He hated silence, it was too uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what to say. He just wanted to break this damn silence. This had never happened with Zack before, they had an easy friendship. That was something Dan hadn't really experienced, at least not in a while. He might have had friendships like that before his mum died, but he couldn't remember much from back then. It's like his life started when his mum died. He couldn't remember anything before that, apart from looking after her, worrying about her. He'd lost his childhood a long time ago, and it wasn't coming back. It was strange, how he'd developed this friendship, this bond, with someone he'd never even seen.

"Hey, Zack?" Dan asked nervously, his nails digging into totoro. There was a faint "yeah" from outside the door, and Dan continued, speaking quickly "Do you, um, want to come in? I mean like, um, only if you want to." he felt himself blush furiously as he stumbled over his words, but he relaxed slightly when Zack replied with another casual "Yeah." He breathed a silent sigh of relief and repositioned himself so he was sat on his bed, feet curled underneath him, totoro balanced precariously on his lap. He had just finished shuffling around when he heard the lock click and the door swing open. He stared at the plush in his hands, nervous about looking up. He patted the space next to him on the bed quickly, still not looking up. After a few seconds the bed creaked and he felt a solid weight sit down gently next to him, as though they didn't want to startle him.

Dan drew a long breathe in through his nose before glancing up quickly through his long eyelashes, hoping Zack wouldn't notice. He was tanned and huge. Like Dan's height, but he wasn't long and gangly like he was. He wasn't like a body builder, but he was filled out. He had strong features, and the strength of his appearance was increased by the short hair that was cut short. He had dark brown eyes, and a warm smile was plastered across his face. Dan glanced back down quickly, hoping Zack hadn't noticed. He felt the bed shudder slightly as Zack coughed quietly, breaking the silence, before asking quietly "So, do you want to talk?". Dan drew in another breathe through his nose before looking up and twisting slightly to face him. He paused for a minute before shrugging his shoulders. When Zack just raised an eyebrow at him he whispered "Erm, I guess? I don' know, just…" He watched as Zack's eyes glowed warmly as his chuckle echoed around the room. "We'll start simply, yeah?" he asked, a grin spread across his face. Dan threw him a grateful smile before nodding his head and glancing quickly at the floor. When Zack spoke again, his eyes were drawn back to him.

"How are you?" he asked casually, his eyes scanning Dan's face. Dan started to nod, and automatic reaction, but stopped quickly. He didn't want to lie, but what could he say? His eyes were drawn automatically to the newest bruise. It was huge covering a large paprt of his forearm and snaking along his elbow. It was a mixture of mottled purple and yellow, and was shaped suspiciously like the bars on his door. Then it hit him. He had his sleeve rolled up. He had his sleeves rolled up, and Zack was in his room.

Shit.

He glanced up quickly, hoping Zack hadn't noticed, and replied with a quick "Same as always." Well it wasn't a lie anyway.

Zack watched as Dan's eyes flickered down, and he followed his gaze, wondering why the boy had jerked his head so suddenly when he spoke. He bit his tongue quickly when he saw Dan's arm. There were overlapping bruises, and even a few scratches. They were all different colours, creating a messed up pattern of purples, yellows, brown, blues and reds. It was impossible to make out separate bruises, separate patterns, to think of a story for them all. It was just a nonsensical flow of colour, of pain. He felt Dan's eyes on him again, so he glanced back up quickly as Dan said, nervousness clear in his voice, "Same as always." Zack raised his eyebrows in disbelief before replying sarcastically "So this is usual, is it?" Dan opened his mouth quickly and replied with a quiet and shaky "I don't know what you mean." Zack could tell he knew. He sounded unsure, as though he knew there was no point in pretending. But he decided to do it anyway.

Dan hit himself internally. Why did he lie? Why didn't he role his sleeves down? He was such an idiot. He was going to scare off the one person that spoke to him. He was going to lose his one friend because he was a twat. A twat who nobody could like. Who deserved all these bruises and more. That was the one thing he was in control of, his punishment, and he couldn't even do that right. He stared to the left of Zack to nervous, to scared to look at him. He didn't want to see the look of disappointment, of disgust on his face. "Dan, don't play dumb. How did you even do it? I thought these cells were meant to be fucking safe." Dan was shocked slightly by the anger, the malice in his voice. It didn't seem to be directed at him though.

"I'm sorry, I just…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say, of what Zack wanted to hear. He fell silent again, his fingers digging into the bruises on his arm. He jumped slightly when Zack reached forward quickly, and pulled his hand away. He smiled apologetically in Zack's direction, still looking at the floor. After a moment, Zack spoke again, quieter this time. "You don't have to apologise, just… talk to me. Or someone else." Dan glanced up quickly, shocked by the expression of… hurt? Sadness? Something indefinable on his face. Zack's warm eyes caught his and his gaze held Dan's, not letting him go back to staring at the floor. After a moment he managed to stutter out "I'd um… rather talk to you. I mean, uh… I only talk to you. I've spoken to therapists" he was making himself sound worse, crazy, stupid, but he continued "but it didn't go very well so, um, yeah. You, I guess."

He could have sworn a smile flashed across his face, but it disappeared so quickly Dan was sure he'd imagined it. Zack just gave a solemn nod, letting him know to continue. Dan took a deep breath, his eyes still held by Zack's, before speaking. His voice trembled and his eyes pricked with tears that he was determined not to shed. "I don't really know what you, um, want to know. I just, you said these were meant to be safe. I…" he trailed off, unsure if he should tell Zack this. What if they moved him to a different room? Restrained him? Did something to stop him? It wasn't like he was really self harming. He wasn't slitting his wrists or anything. He wasn't doing it because he was depressed. He was just doing it for the control. He was doing it because he could. He didn't need help, right? But if he didn't need help, if it wasn't a problem, why was he so worried about not being able to do it anymore. Maybe this wasn't healthy. Maybe he needed to let go. He couldn't though. He needed some kind of control. He couldn't control this situation though, and he knew Zack would force it out of him.

"I just like, scratch myself. And bang my arms against the bed and stuff." His eyes were finally released as Zack's flashed to the bed they were sat on. Dan looked in the opposite direction. He knew Zack's eyes were scanning the rest of the room, looking for sharp edges, blunt objects, things Dan could use. He was planning out ways to make it safer. He was plotting to take away his release. He couldn't. Dan spoke quickly, hoping to distract him. "I do it because I like control." His voice was stronger now. He knew what he was talking about, why he did it. This was his best defence. "I don't control much, where I go, what happens to me. I mean, for god's sake I had unwanted chemicals being forced into me every day! I couldn't even control what was going into my body! So what's wrong with being able to control something? It's not doing any permanent damage, and it's only me anyway…" He was interrupted by a calm, warm voice saying slowly "Not doing any permanent damage? Only me? It's damaging you. It's teaching you that this is how you deal with problems, that this is right. It's not. It's teaching you that it's ok to do this to yourself, that the physical can replace the emotional. It can't. One day it will make you numb. One day you'll be doing it to feel something." Dan decided not to mention that was the reason he started. He chewed the inside of his lip, trying to ignore the tightening of his throat, the pain in his head, the feeling of guilt rising quickly through his body.

Zack continued without pausing for breath. "Only me? I wish I could get Phil here right now. Sure I 'd love for you to see him, to make you happy. But this wouldn't make him happy. I wish he was hear so he could tell you all this, because you might listen to him. After all, I'm just your nurse. I wish he was here to tell you you're not an 'only'. You're a 'something', you're a 'somebody'. You're important to people." Dan swallowed, trying to hold everything back. Zack was not making this easy. His voice was hoarse again when he whispered a faint reply. "I wish he was here to, but not to see me like this. I'll listen to you though, because you're not just my nurse. Your Zack." He wasn't even sure what he meant, but it was the best he could do. "I guess you want me to stop?" Zack gave a small simple nod, but it was better than anything else Dan had received. At least he was smiling this time. Dan returned the smile sadly before whispering "I can't. I'm not going to lie to you Zack. I really can't. I need to be in control." Zack stayed silent for a moment before replying thoughtfully "I just want you to try. Look at it as control. You're controlling yourself by not doing it. You're controlling your actions and emotions." Dan thought about it for a moment. He didn't really believe it, think it would work. But he was willing to try it. Maybe Zack would surprise him. He nodded slowly before whispering "I promise I'll try."

Zack gave him another smile, this one more happy, more genuine, before sighing. "Dan, I have to go." He said sadly, glancing towards the door. Dan mimicked the action before nodding, giving what he hoped was a happy looking smile. "Sure" he said, hoping his voice didn't sound too loud, too fake. Zack sighed again as he pushed himself off the bed, and after a quick bye, the door was clicking shut behind him. Dan glanced back down at his arm, unable to summon any more anger for his stupidity. He didn't want to be numb again. He glanced over to the corner of his bed, and fought to draw his eyes away. He stared at the totoro in his hands, resisting the urge to push on his bruises, to scratch a pretend itch. It was so tempting.

He had promised. He was going to try. He was going to try for Phil, for Zack, for himself. But it wasn't going to be easy.

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm so sorry, I know I should have updated on Saturday, but family stuff came up pretty much the minute I got back from my dads. Plus, I read through the stuff I did while I was away, and realised when I was writing I was either being nagged by children, melting in the heat, or half asleep because I decided to stay up all night three days in a row having a Saw movie marathon. This lead to it all being… a pile of poo. So I'm now typing all the stuff up and improving it as I go. But it is so bad, this means I'm pretty much re-writing every chapter, so it's taking a while. So yeah, sorry. I'd rather feel guilty because I'm making you wait though, then hand you a pile of rubbish. So yeah, I'm happy with this chapter, so here we go. You should be receiving a steady flow of chapters throughout today once I've improved them, so yay! I'm about half way through editing the next one, so that should be up in a few hours. :D **

**While I've been away I've been to Alton Towers (which was amazing), been to the cinema to see Pacific Rim (which was Ok, I guess) and monsters university (which was amazing), seen rocky horror show in the theatre (which was SUPERAMAZING and I wish it never ended) and eaten vimto candy floss (which was tasty) and apple jellybean soda (which was disgusting). **

**What's your favourite drinks/sweets/chocolate/candy/anything? Because we've got a new sweet shop, and it's full of stuff from all around the world, and old fashioned sweets, and I honestly don't know what to try! So, any recommendations? **

**Also, in the next few chapters, I'm going to respond to the reviews I got when I was away! So *Mario voice* here we go! **

**Goin-crazy22: DID YOU READ THIS WHOLE THING IN ONE SITTING? HOW? I think you may lit-er-rally be magic! I don't mind long reviews, I love them :3 I'm sorry about your feels, and I SERIOUSLY MADE YOU CRY? Sorry, I'm like that whenever anyone says I made them cry. Like, really? I feel happy, but I'm sorry about your tears :P One of my aims was to make people get attached to the characters, so I'm glad to see it's working :D **

**Mimibolt: HELLO FWEND! I created him and even I'm not sure why he's such a douchebag, let's follow you and blame his past :3 And yeah, I figured I'd give you guys some happiness so gave Zeena some friends, and I also did it so Jake would have to go to Phil, because they all need some friends :D And stop trying to guess what's coming! You'll ruin it for yourself ;) maybe Jake will play, maybe he won't :P **

**Papayallama: Don't worry, Jake can cope with the bullies **** he's strong! I will never give up writing it, I pinky promise :3 **


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44: The day before **

Phil had been gazing at his phone for a few minutes… or hours. He couldn't pull his eyes away from the screen. He swallowed anxiously. One more day. No texts from Dan. One more day, a matter of hours. Never any texts from Dan. One more day until he left. His phone vibrated and let out a long, dull beep. The ordinary sound caused his heart to rise as always. Even though his mind was telling him it wasn't Dan, it would never be Dan, his heart still swelled, still leapt to his throat. His stomach still got butterflies and a anxious smile still spread across his face. It shrunk again, fell to the floor, his stomach just felt queasy. The smile drifted off his face. It was just an e-mail. An e-mail confirming his tickets. He was leaving for London the next day.

One more day, only a matter of hours, and he didn't have a clue what he was doing. He didn't have a clue what he was doing when he got there, where he was going to go. He felt as though every fibre of his being was being pulled apart. He just wanted to stay. He didn't want to leave, to have to look after himself. He didn't want to have to worry about food, and washing, and living. He didn't want to grow up. He and Dan had always joked about it, about how they would never grow up. They'd spend the rest of their lives watching TV, playing sonic. But now, the prospect of growing up was imminent. Phil had been lying to himself, fooling himself. Everything was not going to be OK. He had nowhere to live, no job, no idea what he was doing next.

He pulled himself quickly away from those thoughts. It was too late to do anything about it, so what was the point. He started on the next train of thought, even though it wasn't much better. Why hasn't Dan text? Maybe he didn't want Phil to find him. Maybe he'd realised that he could do so much better. Maybe he was with some other guy right now. Someone tanned, good looking, someone who was good enough for him. Who wouldn't let him just be taken away. That's what he'd done. Let him. He should have done something. He should have fought for him. He bit down on his lip, hard. He was drifting back into that pool of self-hatred, where he dwelled on everything he'd done wrong. It had been happening to much for his liking recently. He would sit somewhere, staring for hours, biting the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood. He would think about how much Dan _must _hate him for letting him go, for not doing something. He would think about how he never really did as well as he could have in school, even before Dan left. He was nothing, in the grand scheme of things. Just a little blip that would be forgotten quickly. In two years, he would be a faint memory to everyone here. Oliver and Lucy would just remember 'that guy who was nice'. Maybe they'd remember the cuddly toys, the painted room, the cat whiskers. Maybe, but probably not. His dad had probably completely forgotten about him. It wasn't like he paid any attention to him when he lived there.

Phil was pulled from his reverie by a warm and sympathetic voice saying "Maybe he's not allowed a phone? Or maybe he broke it? I wasn't even his friend but I could tell how clumsy he was." He snapped his head up quickly, wincing as a sharp pain shot up his spine, exploding in his neck. He didn't sleep anymore, at least not during the night. Falling asleep in lessons, at a desk, didn't exactly do wonders for your back. Jake was stood in his doorway, pyjama's crumpled and towel in hand. Jake flicked his hair out of his eyes, a warm smile on his face. Phil gave him a small smile before raising his eyebrows questioningly. Jake chuckled and continued "It's not hard to figure out what you're thinking about. You were staring at your phone with a sad look on your face. Since they don't text you your results…" he trailed off, and Phil chuckled slightly. "Do you really think I'm going to do that bad?" he asked, chuckling again as a faint blush crept across Jake's cheeks. He shook his head quickly and replied "No, now hurry up and get your ass out of bed. I'm being nice and giving you the first go in the bathroom, so hurry up before I change my mind." Phil grinned in response before exclaiming "I don't have to go to school until 1! Why should I get up now?" Jake returned the grin before teasing "Because you need to pack!" he took on an expression of sudden seriousness before continuing "Plus, it's not like you're going to sleep. You can't trick me or Dave for that matter. You look like a panda." Phil nodded, averting his eyes, and when he glanced back up Jake had wandered into the corridor.

Phil dropped his phone onto his bed before grabbing his stuff and following Jake into the corridor. He turned to shut his door, but paused for a moment, staring into his room. He was once again pulled back by Jake's teasing. "Awww, are you having a moment Phil? Only one more night in that room." Even though his voice was teasing, there was an undertone of sympathy. Phil shut the door and turned around, moving his hair out of his eyes. "Nope" he chuckled, "I was looking at the mess. You just reminded me I have to pack all that tonight. Stupid procrastination." His room had never been that messy. He was normally a pretty tidy person. Now he could barely see his floor under the piles of clothes and cuddly toys. He should have started packing weeks ago; he had just… stopped caring. He couldn't be bothered to pack, to clean. Jake laughed, hiding his face behind the towel. He spoke, voice muffled "Procrastination? Good luck with your results!" Phil stuck his tongue out at him, and turned to open the bathroom door, before pausing. "Jake, you don't have to let me go first. You have to get to school!" Jake shook his head, chuckling. "Always too nice Lester. I'll wait out here. After all, age before beauty!" He gave him a quick wink before slumping loudly to the floor and pretending to fall asleep, his loud snores echoing down the corridor. Phil shook his head before turning around and wandering into the bathroom, trying not to let his mind wander back to his phone.

He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment. Jake was right, he didn't know how he hadn't noticed. He looked terrible. The dark circles under his eyes contrasted his pale skin, making him look like a cold corpse. Honestly, he looked dead. He moved his messy hair so it covered his eyes as best as it could, and wandered back to his room. On the way he past the still 'snoring' Jake, and nudged him with his foot. When there was no response he chuckled slightly, and left him to it.

He sat on his bed, head in hands, unsure of what to do. Now, later, tomorrow. He chuckled slightly as Jake gave a particularly loud snore. There was something wrong with that kid. Part of him wondered if he had always been like that, and Phil had never realised because he avoided him like the plague. They'd never been friends, and he wasn't sure if they were now. He thought they were but… either way, e doubted Jake had ever acted like this before. If he had, he would have lost the 'cool' status a long time ago. Why did he ever want to be cool anyway? He didn't seem that bothered now that he'd lost it. The only time he'd shown that it got to him was when his best fr- old 'best friend' had ignored him. He didn't know Phil had seen that though. He'd tried to talk to him in passing in the corridor, but the kid just shook him off. When Jake turned around, for a second, he looked… shocked, upset, crestfallen. Then it was gone, and he looked calm, not-bothered. Phil felt a slight pang of sadness. He had just made a new sort-of friend, who was going through some obvious… stuff, and he wasn't going to be there to help. He wouldn't even get to see how it panned out. He was never going to see what happened with him. Whether he made new friends, went back to the old ones. Whether he ever played the guitar out of his bedroom.

Phil shook his head quickly, sighing. It was funny, well, sort of. He had other things to worry about. He was getting his A-level results today, tomorrow he was leaving, and yet here he was thinking about Jakes problems. He was never very good with coping with his own issues. There was no Dan to help him now. So he distracted himself instead. He thought about Jake's problems, his future, how different he was now. How much he reminded hi of himself. Of Dan. He shook his head again, needing to focus on something else. He glanced quickly around his room, and decided he didn't want to think about packing either. He was putting that off as long as possible. He weaved his way through the piles of clothes and stuffed animals to his open wardrobe. Sometimes he missed totoro, but it was nice to know Dan had something to remember him by. Even if he didn't want to remember Phil. He wished he could make his brain shut up. Why did he have to start worrying about all this stuff now? It all had to come at once, to overwhelm him. All those times he'd distracted himself, told himself not to worry about it, it had all lead up to this.

He flicked through his clean clothes before pulling out one of his chequered shirts and a pair of black skinny jeans. He pulled them on quickly, trying not to fall over the piles that made up his floor as he hopped around on one leg to get the skinnies on. When he was dressed he gazed down at the pile of stuffed animals once again. Was he packing them? Should he take them? He was growing up, he really shouldn't… "but… lion" he whimpered pathetically into the empty room. Then there was that calm voice again. "What's up?" Phil glanced towards the door, even though he knew who it was. A now fully awake and dressed Jake, school bag slung over his arm. He paused for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and deciding to tell him. After all, he thought they were friends, and even if he laughed, who cared? He would be gone tomorrow. "I don't know whether to pack my teddies or not." He watched as Jake was silent for a moment, a look of pure concentration taking over his face. After a few minutes he said, a small smile on his face "They're your childhood. Just because you're growing up, doesn't mean you have to leave your childhood behind." Phil smiled, but before he could reply, Jake had gestured to the floor and left with a simple "Have fun packing all this." Phil turned back to the pile and groaned as he fell face first into it.

A few minutes later he wandered into the kitchen, hair all over the place. He didn't have to go in until 1 to collect his results, so he still had plenty of time to get ready. He slumped into his chair, flashing a quick smile at Jake before grabbing a glass of orange juice. Breakfast passed quickly, and Phil was thankful for all the noise. Nobody noticed that he didn't eat anything, that he barely spoke two words to Oliver or Lucy. He was thankful when it was time for everyone to leave, and he slumped further in his chair as he murmured a quick "bye" to everyone. A minute later he glanced up and was surprised to see Jake stood casually in the doorway, watching him. He straightened up a bit when Phil caught his eye and whispered a quick "Good luck" before leaving the room. Phil sighed loudly and slumped forward, laying his head on the table. The was a silence, but it was soon broken by the sound of pounding footsteps. Someone was running towards the kitchen.

Phil tilted his head to the side just as Jake came panting through the doorway. He took a few deep breathes before gasping "My lunch is at… one… I'll come find you… ok?" He was wheezing, and Phil found himself wanting to reprimand him for his smoking habits, but he just replied "Yeah, ok." Jake nodded and turned to leave, but came face to face with a confused looking Dave. "Jake, shouldn't you be on the bus?" he asked, confusion colouring his voice. Jake flicked his hair out of his eyes and sprinted out the door, a faint call of "I'm going" reaching the kitchen. Dave chuckled lightly before turning back to Phil, who gave him a small smile. He sat down next to Phil and started to tap a calm rhythm on the table, a warm smile on his face. After a moment he spoke, voice calm. "So, what are you doing tomorrow?" he asked curiously, before tagging on a quick "Not that I don't trust you or whatever, I'm sure everything will be fine" Phil interrupted him quickly, knowing if he didn't he would carry on babbling forever. "I'm off to London." He blurted, and watched as Dave raised his eyebrows. "And why's that?" Dave asked curiously, and Phil felt a blush beginning to colour his face, so he stuttered out a quick "Erm, n-no reason. I just always wanted to go to London I-I guess."

Dave raised his eyebrows but didn't question him further. After a minute of awkward silence Dave said "So, what are you doing when you get there?" Phil shrugged his shoulders, trying to look like he wasn't worried. Dave gave him a reassuring smile before saying "We'll talk more about it once you've got your results, but I've got some stuff that should help you out" Phil nodded gratefully, before staring at his lap. He didn't feel comfortable having this conversation with Dave. He didn't want him to worry, not like Phil was. He didn't want him to realise that he didn't have a plan. He didn't want to disappoint him. Dave interrupted his train of thought by asking "Is there anything you need to do?" Phil nodded his head, groaning inwardly. It was time. "I need to pack" he replied, and Dave rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Well, you better go pack!"

Phil shut his door and glared at the room, letting out a low growl and then chuckling to himself. He pushed his way to his wardrobe and dragged out his two suitcases, before gazing around again. After a moment he reached back into his wardrobe and pulled out his duffel bag. He had collected a lot of stuff over the years, and it wasn't all going to fit into two suitcases. He let out a sigh before getting to work. He piled all his plushies onto his bed, deciding to start with those. They were the most important thing he owned. He put them all gently into the duffel bag, and then a few more into one of the suitcases. Then he packed his clothes systematically, not caring that they were crumpled. After about an hour of this, he was exhausted and no longer cared about being neat. He shoved the rest of his stuff into his bags, just managing to zip them shut. He dragged them over to an empty corner, and then stared at his desk. His straighteners, phone, charger and pyjamas. He would pack those in the morning. The only other thing on there was his sketchbook. He picked it up, flicking through the pages, not really taking them in.

Should eh pack it? It contained a lot of memories. But were they really things he wanted to remember? He had spent so much time on it, poured so much of himself into it. Shouldn't you take the bad with the good? He just, couldn't bear to part with it. Even if it wasn't pleasant, it was a part of him. You have to accept your past before you can move on to your future. He had to start the future tomorrow, and he just… needed something to cling to. He slid it into a zip compartment and left quickly, not wanting to spend any longer in the empty room.

Phil's leg jiggled for the whole ride in Dave's car. He tried to ignore the trembling of his hands, the worry tightening his stomach and throat. He tried to take deep steady breathes, but they came out strangled. He never thought he'd be this nervous. It's just some letters, really. Some letters that could affect the rest of his life, but still. He tasted blood, and realised he'd been chewing his cheek again. Soon his whole mouth would just be scar tissue. Then they were there, and Dave was wishing him luck, and his voice sounded faint and far away, and Phil was climbing out the car even though he just wanted to stay and go home and not leave and

He was startled when somebody suddenly stepped in front of him. He stepped back quickly, and it took him a moment to realise it was Jake. He raised his eyebrows accusingly before reprimanding "It's not one o'clock yet!" Jake stuck his tongue out and replied "Missing 10 minutes of geography isn't going to kill me. Unless they announce there's an imminent earthquake or something." Phil chuckled, shaking his head, and started walking towards the sixth form. All too soon he was stood outside the doors, being pulled into the common room by the bustling crowds. He glanced to the side to see Jake walking, stooped, head down. Phil nudged him gently and Jake glanced up and whispered "Sixth formers only. I'm meant to be in lessons right now!" Phil shook his head disapprovingly again, before shoving Jake into a seat.

There was the typical speech going on, but nobody was listening. People had already started queuing for those brown envelopes and Phil joined them quickly, before the line could get too long. He just wanted to get the damn results and go. After what felt like an eternity he reached the woman, who said in a bored monotone "Name?" Phil swallowed and replied quickly "Phillip Lester". She flicked through envelopes for a moment, expertly slid one out, and passed it to him, already looking to the person behind him. He nodded his thanks and wandered roughly in the direction he had left Jake. He was staring at the envelope in his hand, wishing he had x-ray vision, when he felt something tug his arm. He looked over to see Jake, a spare seat next to him, and realised he had almost walked past. He chuckled anxiously before slipping into the seat. His hands were shaking even more, and the envelope was jolting so much that Phil was amazed he hadn't dropped it yet. He took a deep breath, drew his fingers to the top, and stopped. He glanced up into the reassuring face of Jake, who gave him a quick smile and nodded his encouragement.

Phil took another deep breath, before gently tugging at the corner. He slid his finger under, and slowly slid it along to open the envelope. Another deep breath. He reached in and slowly withdrew the paper, his throat constricting more. Another breath, this time loud and shaky, and then he unfolded the crisp white paper. The crisp white paper that was so important. At the top there was a large block of writing which he didn't bother to read. He didn't even scan it. His eyes zoomed straight to the things that decided his future.

Health and social care: B

Art: A*

General studies: B

Media : A

He was confused to say the least. He'd never been brilliant at school, and since Dan left, he had been down right terrible. The coursework he did during the first year must have been incredible. He shook his head slightly, the faint voice in the background becoming clearer. "Phil? Phil, how did you do? What is it Phil?" He slid the paper further along his lap, towards Jake. He wasn't sure whether he could talk, his throat was still unbelievably tight. Jake took the paper from him, and his eyes scanned it. After a second his face relaxed and exclaimed happily "That's amazing Phil! You've done brilliantly, well done mate!" Phil gave him a small smile, but before he could say anything, Jake was being tapped on the shoulder. He turned and murmured a quick "Shit" under his breath. In his excitement, he had forgotten to be quiet. "Young man, you are not a student in this sixth form!" Mr Booth exclaimed, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Jake nodded solemnly, hiding the grin on his face, before standing and heading towards the door.

Phil reached out and grabbed his hand quickly, causing him to turn around. "Erm, Jake? Can I have my results back?" he asked, trying not to laugh. Jake stuttered back "Um, er, yeah, sure, here you go." And then he was gone, the piece of paper returned to Phil's lap.

Dave handed him back the piece of paper, a huge grin on his face. He started the car and said happily "Well done Phil, I'm so proud of you! You pulled it all together! I guess we better go back and talk about tomorrow now."

So now they were in Dave' office, and for the third time that day Phil's stomach was sick with emotion. Dave didn't give him much time to worry about it though, he jumped straight in with "Do you want to do further education?" Phil was surprised at how easily his awnser slid from his lips. "No" . Dave shook his head and asked "Do you wanna do some kind of course then?" Phil thought for a minute, unsure. He wanted to do something, and he didn't want to have to start with a job yet. There wasn't much he could do with those grades, and he really didn't want to work in a shop or something. "Yeah, I guess" he gave in, scratching his head. Dave nodded and asked him with a grin "In what? Looking at your results, anything creative would be good." Phil chuckled slightly and replied "No more art, I swear down. Unless it's a lion face, I can't draw it. I think most of that grade just came from the 'originality and creativity of the idea in relation to the theme' or something." Dave rolled his eyes before asking "What about something to do with media then?" Phil nodded, figuring it was worth a shot. Maybe he'd get to help with movies, meet Sarah Michelle Gellar or something. Media seemed pretty interesting. Dave ducked down, and the desk rattled as he yanked a draw open.

He was handed a pile of paper, which he scanned through quickly. They were all basic university courses in media areas, and in London. Film making, Media study, directing in media, set in media. So many different things that they'd barely touched on in the A-level course. He threw Dave a thankful smile, not asking how he'd known to only look at London. That's when he noticed that Dave was holding another pile of paper, which Phil nodded towards questioningly. Dave pushed them towards him and explained "These are all places that will put you up until you find somewhere to stay." He pushed another piece of paper across and continued "and this is a form to apply for some basic funding. It'll help out with course and living costs until you can support yourself." Dave had put a lot of thought, a lot of work into this. Into Phil and his future. Phil had forgotten for a while, but Dave was like his dad. He cared, no matter how he acted sometimes. He smiled at Dave, and choked out a small "Thanks" before he was throwing himself across the desk and pulling Dave into a tight hug. All this worrying, all his stupid behaviour. He should have organised all this stuff a long time ago. Thanks to Dave he didn't have to. Without Dave, he would be nowhere." When he pulled away, he was blushing, but they both had warm smiles on their faces.

That night was the worst night ever. His room was empty; it was like he was already gone. Already forgotten. He faced his wall the whole night, trying to wipe his mind of all worries. That was impossible. So he tried to focus on one thing.

He was going to find Dan.


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45: Exam**

Dan pinched his wrist, hard. It had been a week, and it was getting unbearable. Especially now. His head wouldn't shut up. He couldn't stop thinking about Phil, about life outside this fucking place. Even little things were getting to him. If he was going to do it, he had to tell them today. He knew he should. He was sure he could do it, they had all had confidence in him. But what if they were lying, pretending.

He wasn't having the lessons. That would be pointless. That school had been the only place he managed to do even remotely well, and it would probably be the only he ever did well. There was no point taking lessons here. He wouldn't learn. He'd probably fallen behind again anyway. Everyone would have started the year 11 stuff, and Dan had never been sure if he could cope with that.

Dan glanced down at his wrist. Shit. He'd been pinching too hard. The few spots of blood stood out on his skin. His nails must have caught him or something. Shit. Zack couldn't see this. He'd been checking every day. He thought he'd been discreet, but Dan saw his eyes flick quickly down to his wrist. If Zack saw this, he'd be so disappointed. Dan wouldn't get to see the light behind his eyes, the proud smile, the happy chuckle. He'd be disappointed, and disgusted, and he'd never want to talk to Dan again. He'd know Dan had failed him. He couldn't keep one stupid promise.

His arm swung out involuntarily, hitting the wall. He let out a quiet yell of pain, tears pricking his eyes as he pulled his arm to him, cradling it. He rocked backwards and forwards for a few minutes, listening closely. No one appeared to of heard him. There were no footsteps. Dan wasn't surprised. No one but Zack ever came down here, and he wasn't due for another visit for at least an hour. He breathed a quick sigh of relief, letting his mind wander back to the problem at hand.

There was no way he was doing lessons. But why shouldn't he do the science exam? There was no point in doing any others; he'd never been that good at them. Sure, he would have passed them if he hadn't ended up here, but there was no way he could pass them now. He'd forgotten a lot of the stuff, and he'd just… lost interest. He was sure he could at least scrape a pass in science. It would be good to leave this place with something. He wouldn't be able to go to any further education. By the time he left, he'd be at the age to start sixth form, and he didn't have the grades. He wasn't sure if he'd want to join anyway. He could go back to high school, retake a few years, but he really did not want to have to go through all that again. School had never been his thing, if he was being honest. Sure, the last one had been bearable, but any teenager will tell you they'd rather be at home playing video games or something. He needed to leave here with something to show employers. At least you needed science for everything. That was good considering he didn't even have a fucking clue what he was going to do when he left here anyway.

This was too much to be thinking about. It was just… he couldn't… too…He pulled his arm even tighter to his chest, biting his lip hard. What was the point anyway? He was born to fail. And that wouldn't matter, because nobody cared. He didn't matter. He couldn't make a difference. He was just a shitty, troubled, problematic care home kid. "What's the point?" he mumbled into the silent room, solidifying this feeling of… helplessness, pointlessness. "What's the point of what?" a quiet voice asked, and Dan's head snapped up, jolting his arm. He hissed quietly in pain, but stopped quickly. He dropped his arm, not letting the flash of pain show on his face. Zack couldn't know that he'd failed. "Oh, erm, nothing" he mumbled, his leg trembling slightly. "You sure?" Zack asked, eyebrows raised. Dan just nodded, not trusting himself to speak again.

"So, how are you today?" Zack asked, and Dan opened his mouth to mumble a quick "Ok", but it fell shut again. Zack's eyes were flickering towards his arm, and Dan shifted slightly, trying to hide both his arms. He swallowed nervously before whispering "Ok" there was short pause before he blurted out "I'll sit the science exam." They both knew it was a weak attempt at distraction, and Dan resisted the urge to dig his nails into the soft, already damaged flesh of his arm. He was not going to let Zack see that. Nobody could see his pathetic breakdowns. Pathetic, just like him. He shook his head slightly, and Zack placed a hand on his shoulder. "What have you done?" he asked softly, and Dan bit his tongue for a second before muttering "I just got a bit… I don't know. I made a mistake, but I still promise to try… it'll never happen again." He started to babble, panic controlling him "it was just a stupid, pathetic mistake. I was being an idiot, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to" he stopped when Zack gave him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. " Hey, hey" he soothed "It was never going to be easy, ok? I knew there'd be slip ups. You're doing really well, but it was never going to be perfect. It's called being human. And whatever it is that's upset you, just calm down. Do you want to talk about it?" Dan shook his head quickly, eyes wide. Zack chewed his lip for a moment before shrugging and saying gently "Well, you can. If you want." Dan nodded, giving Zack a small smile.

He didn't want to worry Zack even more. He would keep this to himself. He would smile and joke like normal, and he would try his best to stop. His best was never good enough, but Zack didn't know that. Not yet, anyway.

"So, do you really want to sit the science exam?" Zack asked, a small smirk on his face. "You don't have to. I'm pretty much in charge of everything to do with you, so I can sort it so you don't have to do any educational stuff." Dan chuckled slightly, nodding. "Nice to know all my decisions are in your hands. I figured I should probably leave this place something, so…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say. Zack just nodded, and gave his shoulder another comforting squeeze before standing up. "Well, I better go sort that out then. I'm glad you decided to, you know. You're very responsible for your age." Dan gave him another small smile before staring at his lap. He mumbled a quick "see you" and listened as his footsteps started towards the door.

Just as Zack reached the door way he turned around again, a sympathetic smile on his face, his eyes warm. "Dan?" Dan glanced up quickly, before staring at his lap again. "Everything will be ok" Zack said, and without another word from either of them, left the room, locking the door behind him. Dan pulled totoro towards him, and felt a single tear slide down his cheek. He wiped it away furiously. "I wish" he whispered into the once again silent room.

**A/N Hai :3 So yeah, this chapter was meant to be up yesterday but I was forced to go out a socialise at some strange under 18 club night thing, so I didn't get time to finish it. So now, onto the reviews! **

**Potatoes-are-not-for-sex: YOU ARE JUST AWESOME, OK? JUST… UGH. GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR AWESOMENESS? PLEASE? Everytime I get a review from you a smile for like… ever. You are just so nice and lovely and cool and… gah! I'm going to stop now, ok? :D **

**Alice: Hai again! :P You have to tell me how amazing paper towns is! (im not going to say you have to tell me IF it's good because we both know… John Green, it's going to be good.) Thanks for the review, you are a superamazingfantasticbrilliant person! :3 Also, I would have missed you, so thanks for telling me you were going! I'm getting used to seeing your name :D **

**Playwithlife: OMR, I HAVN'T SPOKEN TO YOU IN AGES! I miss you :3 Thanks for the review, and I'm actually amazed at how many people seem to like Jake :D **

**Llamas-like-socks: Awesome username :P Thank you so much, you're lovely! I smile when I see reviews, so thanks! :D **

**Laurathesloth: I'm going to find you on twitter when this is uploaded :D Thanks for saying it's brilliant :D AND YOU CAUGHT ONTO MY CLEVER WRITER PLAN THINGY. I havn't cleared up Jake's sexuality because I want you guys to go through a bit of what Phil's going through. The whole 'being unsure of the future' and 'making a friend and having to leave them in a sort of crisis'. WE MUST ALL FEEL PHIL'S FEELS! That's a tongue twister :3 So yeah, that's the explanation. YAY :p **

**Katethecrazy: Next time, you will not save the jelly babies. **

**Purple lemonade can: I seriously love your username, I don't know why :3 Tell your parents I'm sorry, my parents understand their pain. BUT I UNDERSTAND THE ADDICTION TO FANFICTION! It is much stronger than the will of any parent :D how are so many people reading this fic in one sitting? Like, what? **

**Jpuddleduck22: We threw the best party, ever! **

**Phanfictionz: HERE'S YOUR SHOUT OUT YOU SUPERAMAZING HUMAN BEING (unless you're a plant or something, then you're still superamazing). That was the most delicious, and generally amazing review, like ever! :D I always have constant bags under my eyes, but oh wells :P **

**Iloveyoureal: Another person read this in one sitting? YOU ARE FREAKING AMAZING! You left the sun to read it? That's the most amazing compliment ever. You were in a hotel! That's awesome! (I've only ever stayed in one once) I hope you had/are having a lovely holiday or whatever :D Sorry about the hotel wifi though :3 Thanks for saying about the characters, I've been worrying a bit that they don't seem like them, so that made my day! :D I'm sorry for making you cry, now I feel sad. I promise happy endings, ok? :D And I hope you don't get withdrawal symptoms either :P **

**So I know I reply to most reviews here now, but that doesn't stop you guys PM'ing ok? Whether it's for a chat about life, planning a mental birthday party full of youtubers, or just random chats about absolutely anything (including neon green headphones) because I am absolutely random and love chatting to you all, either on this site or twitter (cookiesthatmeow) :3 **


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46: Time to go **

It was the day after Phil got his results. It was exactly a week after his birthday, which he had ignored. He'd made everyone ignore it. Why would he have celebrated it? He had just wanted to forget about it, forget that in a week he'd be gone. Now he wished he'd let Dave throw that small party. Some last good memories of this place, gone to waste. It would have been nice to see Oliver and Lucy have proper fun, truly laugh and smile, one more time. It would have been funny to watch Dave force party hats onto the twins. Seeing Zeena smile, watching silently. It would have been great to watch Jake pretend that it was lame, that he'd rather be anywhere else, but to see the small smile tugging at his lips anyway. Now he had nothing.

He stood in his doorway, staring into the empty room. The only sign that he'd ever been here were the walls, and he could imagine the paint fading, the wallpaper peeling away. He could imagine another kid moving in here, putting his clothes in Phil's wardrobe, sleeping on Phil's bed. Replacing Phil. He knew he'd fade away to, like the paint. He'd fade into the background of everyone's memories. He'd be forgotten. His home wasn't his home anymore. Instead, it was something alien.

He swallowed, raising his hands to his chest and forming a quick heart with his fingers. After a moment he let his hands fall weakly to his sides and he turned around, ignoring the irritating pricking behind his eyes. It took him a moment to realise that Jake was stood in front of him, a small, sympathetic smile on his face. Phil glanced down quickly, not wanting to meet his eyes, to see whatever was there. It was stupid, but he still wanted to pretend. Even though he had a rucksack on his back, a suitcase handle in hand, he wanted to pretend. But where had pretending got them? Dan was gone, and Phil was alone.

Without a word Phil tugged his suitcase behind him, the creaking of the wheels not able to block out the sound of footsteps behind him. He tried to ignore them, quickly pressing the call button for the elevator. He waited for a few moments in awkward silence before the doors opened with a much too loud 'ding'. He sighed, quickly dragging the heavy suitcase into the lift. He turned around just in time to see Jake slide in and see the doors close. He raised an eyebrow before saying flatly "You're not allowed in the lift". He watched as a huge grin broke across his face and he laughed, the sound echoing in the lift. "Wow Phillip, really?" he asked, the grin still on his face. Phil stayed silent, glaring at the floor. After a few seconds Jake spoke again, voice softer "Phil, if you really don't want to go, I'm sure Dave would let you stay. Hell, he'd probably let you live here forever if you asked." Phil bit his tongue hard. The offer was tempting, but there was no way he could do it. He had to go. He had to find Dan.

But that wasn't what he told Jake. "Sure, Dave would let me stay. But the people in charge of him wouldn't." his voice became a whisper as he said "I have to go." Jake gave him an understanding nod, and for a moment, Phil wondered if he really did understand. If he knew what Phil wasn't saying. Then the elevator doors opened with another 'ding' and they were both piling out into the crowded corridor. Phil went back to staring at the floor, not wanting to look at the people surrounding him. He dragged his suitcase towards the door, the people parting for him easily. He sighed again as he abandoned the bag by the door and took a deep, uncalming breath before turning around to face them. They were all there.

Before he could take much more in he was enveloped in a warm, unfamiliar embrace. He managed to pull away after a few seconds to be met by Sarah's grinning face. The smile was disrupted by the steady flow of cheeks down her face. Phil flashed her a quick smile and whispered "Bye Sarah", but before she could reply, someone else was in front of him. Sonia gave him a quick smile and said "Good luck Phil". He gave her a quick nod of thanks, and then there was someone else. Someone he really didn't want to see. Harry just stared at him for a moment, face expressionless. Then he grimaced and forced out a quick "bye Phil". Phil didn't reply, just stared at him. There was a short, uncomfortable silence, but then Dave was there.

Phil found himself being pulled into another embrace, and this time he returned it, trying to ignore the painful pricking in his eyes. Soon he was released, and he took a quick step back before whispering "Thanks for everything Dave. I mean it. You're the best, I'll miss you." There was so much more he wanted to say, but he didn't know how, so he let him mouth fall shut. Dave grinned before raising his hands, forming the heart shape Phil himself had done a matter of minutes before. Phil returned it, blushing slightly, and then Dave was gone. The twins were there, and he gave them both a quick nod, which was not returned. Then Zeena, who just gave him a small smile and squeezed his arm gently.

Then Oliver and Lucy were before him. And the prickling intensified to a burning heat. There were small arms wrapped tightly around both his legs, and he let out a small laugh. "I have to be able to walk you know" he said quietly, ruffling Lucy's hair. They both stared up at him, tears running freely down their faces. He reached forward, gently wiping one away from Oliver's chin, making him giggle slightly. Lucy spoke then, voice hoarse. "Phil, will you come visit us, like PJ used to?". He smiled down at them both sadly, and Lucy let out a quiet sob. He hadn't slept very well the night before, and he'd had a lot of time to think. He'd love to come back and visit, but he didn't want to be like PJ. He didn't want them to cling to him, to the idea that he might visit. They needed to move on. "No" he said quietly "I'd love to, you know that. But I'm going really far away, and I won't be able to come back. But it's fine. You'll be fine." He picked over up quickly, pulling him to his chest. He whispered quietly into his ear "I have one last mission for you. When I'm gone, follow Lucy. I'm gonna miss you, ok? " he paused for a moment before whispering "I love you". Oliver glanced up, a few more tears escaping his eyes and whispered "I love you too Phil." Phil gave him a small smile before placing him gently on the floor and allowing Lucy to clamber into his arms. "Hey Lucy" he murmured, and she nodded quickly "Take Oliver to me room when I've gone, there's something in there for you." She nodded again, stifling a sob. "I love you" he said, giving her head a quick peck. She smiled slightly and stuck her tongue out in mock disgust before saying quietly "I love you too."

Then it was just Jake. Phil gave him a small smile before reaching his hand out awkwardly for a fist bump or high five or something. Jake snorted with laughter and then Phil was in a loose embrace. He rubbed Jake's back gently before they separated, both chuckling awkwardly. Jake gave him a small smile before saying "Good luck buddy. I hope you find Dan and don't worry about the littlies. I'll keep an eye out for them." Phil gave him a grateful smile before whispering "Thanks Jake. You're not as bad as I thought." Jake snorted again before replying "Oh, I was. Trust me. Thanks for that by the way." Before Phil could ask him what he meant, he had fallen back into the sea of people.

Phil wasn't sure how, but he was outside, bags in hand. It had all happened so quickly. He didn't get to say everything he wanted to, to tell everyone thank you. This was it, he was going. "See you soon Dan" he whispered, before setting off down the steps.

On the top floor Lucy and Oliver were pushing open the creaky door. Oliver darted in, glancing around nervously, looking for traps and bad guys. Lucy followed him in, dragging her hand across her wet cheeks. After a few seconds her eyes spotted something under the stripped bed, but before she could say anything, Oliver had darted silently across to it. He pulled out a cardboard box, and glanced over at Lucy. She made her way over quickly, and they each lifted a flap. Oliver gasped as he pulled out an old, battered pair of binoculars and a leather bound notebook. A few seconds later Lucy slowly pulled out a small, fluffy, cuddly cat. A large smile washed over her tear stained face.

Meanwhile, on the same floor, Jake was sat in his room, contemplating the thing in front of him. He stared at the guitar for a few minutes, and then glanced at the pieces of paper in front of him. After a few minutes he snatched up a piece of paper with the words 'Nearly there' scrawled across the top. He gently picked up the instrument, holding it close to his chest, before exiting the room and heading to the living room.

**A/N: Sorry guy's, I know it's been a few days! If you follow me on twitter you'll know I've been busy shopping and packing. That's because tomorrow I leave to do NCS. PJ made a video about it a while ago, and it's basically a volunteering program. As part of it I go away twice. I leave tomorrow and come back Friday for the weekend, and then I leave again on Monday and come back again on Friday. I don't know if the first place has WiFi, but the second one definitely doesn't. So it's going to be the same protocol as when I was at my dad's. If I can write and upload while I'm away, I will. But if I can't, I'll be writing in my notebook and uploading it when I'm at home on the weekends. Plus, if I'm being completely honest with you, which I try to be, I might not have uploaded until today anyway, even if I wasn't busy. Something happened and I am seriously happy at the moment, so I actually struggled to write this because I couldn't sound sad enough. Anyway, enough explanation, onto the reviews! **

**KateTheCrazy: I'm eating Jelly babies as I type. You will not be on time to save these ones! *Evil laugh* Yes, we can place out trust in Zack. He will protect Dan for us until Phil finds him! Which will happen in precisely… I'm not telling you how many chapters! :P **

**Silencelikeawhisper: It's ok :P Thank you for reading! If no-one read it, I wouldn't still be updating, so you wouldn't be receiving those lovely e-mails! :D **

**Jpuddleduck22: EVERYONE LOVES ZACK! HE IS SO NICE AND AMAZING AND HE PROTECTS DAN SO HE HAS TO BE LOVED! :p **

**Lillyofyoutubeobsessions: I'll try not to destroy you! But those pheels still have a few more chapters to build up, so you might want to find a way to release them. Watch some youtube videos maybe? :3 **

**Edgar Allan HOE: Haha, that review went up on my wall of awesomeness :P That was just as good as getting the awards to be honest :D **

**Alice: Well, atleast it's a good excuse to watch their videos :3 AND HE HAS A YOUTUBE CHANNEL? I HAVE TO FIND IT. I overlooked them for a long time, but my friends kept nagging me so :P**

**Potatoes-are-not-for-sex: THANK YOU! I might publish it, but the problem is it is a Phan, so it is so full of Dan and Phil related humour and inside jokes. I don't know if it really works as a stand alone story :3 And maybe this isn't the best story to introduce people to fanfiction, it's a bit long lol :P **

**Mymewchowski: Thank you! :3 Ugh, I couldn't survive without internet either! Seriously, if I don't have WiFi for these 5 days I will probably cry myself to sleep **** I don't want to keep you up at night! They will get back together, pwomise :3 AND I LOVE LONG REVIEWS YOU SILLY, IT GIVES ME STUFF TO REPLY ABOUT! :D **


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47: OK **

Dan shook his leg up and down as he concentrated. He did the maths over and over in his head, biting his lip slightly. Sure, maths, well, anything educational really, had never really been his strong point, but he was sure. He'd gone over it to many times, and he always got the same result. He heard his door creak open and Zack's familiar voice greet him. Before he could say anything else, Dan blurted quickly "What's the date?". Zack smirked at him, a confused look in his eye, but answered "23rd August, why?". Dan felt the grin spread across his face as he finally allowed himself to believe it. Phil had his results. Phil was probably already gone. He could be here any day now.

He ignored the voice in head. Well, not really a voice, a suspicion. A niggling suspicion in the back of his head, telling him there was no way Phil was coming. It lived there now, that niggling feeling. Telling him nothing good was real. Doubting himself, telling himself he wasn't good enough. Doubting Phil.

He would never doubt Phil.

He felt someone nudged his shoulder, and his attention was brought back to Zack. He twisted slightly, realising he was sat next to him on the bed, and felt his grin widen. "Phil's probably left by now, he would have got his results yesterday." He watched as a large smile broke out across Zack's face and he exclaimed happily "That's great Dan!". Dan felt the warmth inching slowly through his body, and he chuckled slightly before saying "Yeah, hopefully I'll see him again soon!". He watched as Zack's grin twitched slightly, and then faltered as he said "How will he know where you are? I thought they didn't tell you until you got here…" his voice trailed off as the grin slid off Dan's face, and he brought his knees onto the bed, curling over them slightly. "I… I don't know" he whispered, barely able to hear himself. The voice in his head was getting gradually louder, and it was shouting, it was screaming, he couldn't block it out, and Phil wasn't coming and his chest was getting tighter and tighter and he couldn't breathe

A warm hand on his back. Someone pulling him closer. Something being whispered, his ears straining to hear it, but it was there. His shoulder was being squeezed in a slow rhythm. He went into a different mode, just trying to stop the tightening in his chest. Pain racked through him, and he focused. He timed his breath with the chest of the person next to him. His chest loosened slightly, and he started to listen to the constant, slightly louder babble of words rising into the air.

"Dan? Are you OK? Are you having an attack? Just breathe Dan, everything's fine. Phil will come, I promise. I'll find him myself if I have to. Are you OK? Just focus on breathing, you're going to be fine. Come-" Dan interrupted the stream of words, voice weak as he still struggled for breath. "It's fine Zack, I'm fine." He finally found the energy to glance up, and a slight shock passed through him at the look of pure worry and panic on his face. "See, look. I'm OK, seriously! I'm fine, see?". After a few seconds Dan saw him relax slightly, and he nodded his head slowly. He was still watching him though, out of the corner of his eye, his worry still tangible. Great. Dan had freaked him out. He was going to be like a proper nurse now, always on edge in case he had an attack. It wasn't even a proper attack! He sighed inwardly, resigned to listening to the voice as it was soon to be his only companion.

After a few minutes, he realised that they'd been sat in complete, heavy silence. He cleared his throat awkwardly, shifting away slightly. Zack seemed to remember that he still had a comforting hand on his back, and he drew it away, mimicking Dan's awkward cough. They both chuckled before falling into another, slightly less awkward silence.

A few minutes later Zack gave another small cough, and suddenly they were both laughing. Loud peals of laughter rang throughout the cold room, and Dan was hugging his knees to his chest tightly as he tried to silence himself. Eventually, when his sides were aching and his body was finally done shaking, he stopped.

Before another silence could settle across the room, Zack said gently "Dan, can I make a suggestion?" Dan nodded silently, not trusting himself to speak, and not sure what he wanted to say. Of course he wanted Zack's advice. But what if he told him to forget about Phil? What if- "I was thinking it might be good if we put you up for therapy." Dan wasn't sure what Zack saw on his face, but whatever it is it made him carry on quickly "It's up to you of course. If you don't want to, we'll scrap the idea. I just thought that it might help. You know, maybe help you figure out what triggers your, erm… episodes or something. At least you'll be able to get out of here for a while."

It'll be exactly like the first time. You're not worth a therapist's time. Zack thinks you're crazy. Phil's gonna think you're crazy too. If he actually comes and finds you. He shouldn't. He won't. He'll have realised his mistake, be questioning how he ever thought he could care about you. He's right. You're not worth it. Therapy isn't going to help. Nothing will ever help you. You're not fixable.

"OK" he agreed quickly, ignoring the look of surprise on Zack's face. Anything to shut that stupid voice up, that stupid voice that doubted Phil.


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48: Recovery **

Dan heard the echo of footsteps coming down the corridor, and smiled to himself. When the door opened he was sat on the edge of the bed, his hands trembling slightly in his lap. He knew who it would be. He knew it would be Zack and Joe, his 'therapist'. He resisted the urge to chuckle, still finding it a strange concept. He had his own therapist. He didn't know why he found it so strange, it's not like his life exactly turned out the way he expected.

He knew it would be Zack and Joe, but that didn't stop him from hoping. Hoping that one day Zack would walk through that door with a grinning Phil next to him. He knew it wouldn't be that easy though. He wasn't even allowed visitors. He was dangerous, unstable. That's why he was in isolation.

He'd been having therapy everyday for the last two weeks. For the last week his arms had been completely free of bruises, marks, everything. He still had the urge to do it, sometimes it was so overwhelming. Zack would come into his room to find him sat in the centre of the rooms, arms pulled tightly to his chest, eyes screwed shut as he tried to distract himself. He wasn't sure if the therapist was helping, or if it was just the knowledge that he might be seeing Phil. He shuddered at the idea of Phil seeing his arms covered in the purple bruises, the red fingernail marks. He would realise how pathetic Dan was, and he'd leave.

He raised his head slowly, giving Joe a quick nod before looking at Zack. He gave Dan a small half smile, and before the younger boy could say anything he said sympathetically "No ones come in today Dan". Dan swallowed the sigh and just gave a quick nod before staring at his hands again. There were quiet shuffling noises as they both moved towards him. He felt the sinking next to him as Zack sat down, and he took a deep breath before raising his head again.

Joe was stood in his usual place at the end of the bed, and he shuffled slightly as Dan smiled at him. He returned the smile awkwardly, running his hand quickly through his black hair. Dan bit his tongue, trying not to laugh at the familiar action. Joe could never resist messing up his hair, he hated it neat. Dan's amusement must have shown on his face, as Joe's green eyes sparkled as he teased "I'm not the only one who plays with my hair!". Dan stuck his tongue out before complaining jokingly "I miss my straighteners!" Zack chuckled, and a grin spread across Dan's face.

He didn't even really care if the therapy was working. He wanted to do it anyway. He just missed joking around, having fun, feeling for a few minutes like nothing had changed. He gave a small smile, which slowly slid off his face when Joe asked "How are you feeling today Dan?". He bit his lip gently as he considered what to say. Eventually, he mumbled "Ok", and Joe raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Better or worse than yesterday?". Dan shrugged his shoulders, but after a few moments of heavy silence, he mumbled "worse". Joe nodded slowly before taking a small step forward. "Better or worse than the first day?". Dan replied instantly, voice serious.

"Better"

He felt Zack relax next to him, and resisted the urge to glance over. He tried to ignore the voice in his head telling him he wasn't worth Zack's concern. It got quieter, fading into the background. It was a lot easier to ignore these days. It wasn't even really a voice anymore. It was more a faint, annoying buzzing. He shook his head slightly as he heard Joe ask "Well, what's happened between today and yesterday then?". Dan swallowed nervously before replying "Nothing. I just can't stop thinking about how… well, how I don't deserve Phil. And how one day he'll realise it and leave me." He bit his tongue at the brief after thought. If he bothers to come find me.

He had to keep hoping. Phil was coming.

He shuddered slightly as a warm hand touched his shoulder, and he finally dragged his head round to look at Zack. He was looking at Dan, forehead creased with worry. Dan gave him a small smile, avoiding eye contact.

"Dan. You need to stop thinking like this. You are a great kid, and I'm sure your mum would be proud of you." He was one of the only people that could talk about Dan's mum without causing a pressing to weight to fall on his chest. Joe had tried once, and they'd had to stop a few minutes in. He just… he didn't like it when people talked about her. Most people anyway. "Do you really want Phil to see you like this? All… well exhausted. You look completely exhausted Dan, like you've just given up." Dan faintly whispered "I haven't" and Zack gave him a small smile.

There was a heavy silence that seemed to stretch on forever. Dan cleared his throat quietly before speaking into the still air. "It'll be ok. I believe in him. I believe in us." He felt that flutter in his chest, and a huge grin spread slowly across his face.

He was getting better.

**A/N Hey guys! Sorry I disappeared **** If you follow me on twitter you'll know about most of the stuff that's been happening. I've been away for two weeks on residential, spent a week constantly out the house organising a project, I was ill (we think it may have been a paint allergy considering it flared up when we were decorating my room, and disappeared when I went back to the project!) and then my laptop got confiscated. But on top of all that, I just… I don't know. I haven't really been motivated to do it. I've spent the last few weeks** **just wanting to lay in bed and do nothing. I couldn't even be bothered to talk to my friends. I pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth. My body was going out to project, but it sort of felt like the actual me thing inside was asleep. This makes no sense, but yeah. But yesterday, something inside me just snapped, and I was motivated to write again! I got my laptop back today, SO I'M BACK ON EARTH, AND I MISSED YOU GUYS SO FLUCKING MUCH! :3I LOVE YOU ALL, OK? :D now to the reviews! :P **

**Papayallama: PHAN LOVE COMING SOON, I PROMISE YOU! UNTILL THEN, I GIVE YOU THIS! .FERRIS WHEEL. **

**Lllamas-like-socks: YAY! I'm sorry about this then, you probably didn't enjoy the wait **

**OhIwishIknew: Here's another chapter! :D Please don't die :/ REALLY? THE BEST? HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT NEVERLANDNAT? Thank you anyway :P **


	49. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49: Falling**

_He's not coming. He's not coming. He's not coming. _

Dan threw his head backwards, letting out a quiet yelp as his head hit the bed. He bit his tongue, waiting for the wave of pain to pass and ignoring the metallic taste spreading through his mouth. A small hiss of pain escaped his lips, and he closed his eyes as black spots started to cross his vision. Then he could see Zack noticing the bruises on his upper arms, the red marks that his fringe didn't hide. He saw those eyes lose some of their sparkle as he frowned and his eyebrows furrowed. The unspoken disappointment. He had told Dan that it was fine, that they knew it was never going to be easy, that he wouldn't give up and Dan would get better. He opened his eyes again quickly.

He'd lasted a month. A month without hurting himself, and now he was back. Back to his weak old self. The one who couldn't stick to anything. The true Dan. He was worthless, pathetic. He deserved to be where he was. He should be grateful really, grateful that he lasted that long.

And what did it matter now anyway? It had been more than a month. He'd tried so hard, been so happy, so stupid. He'd been doing so well. He did it because Phil was coming.

_Phi isn't coming. _

He did it because Phil was coming, and Phil wouldn't want to see him hurting.

_Phil doesn't care if you're hurting. _

That voice. The constant talking in the back of his head. It was so loud now, so all consuming. The truth was loud, all consuming.

That stupid voice.

It wasn't so stupid now though, was it? Not as stupid as Dan had thought. The voice had told him over and over from the very beginning that Phil wasn't coming, and it was right. It had been over a month. Phil had started a new life, a happier life. Dan bit his lip. At least Phil would be happy without him. He didn't need Dan. Not the way Dan needed him. So what was the point in trying?

Doing this, it made him… not happy. It couldn't make him happy, because no matter how much he wanted to do it, he still knew it was wrong. He just didn't care. It just… the best way he could describe it was that it calmed him. It gave him control, it gave him a distraction, it gave him a release. It took him away for a few measly seconds. He could forget that Phil didn't want him.

He could exchange one type of pain for another. Turn the emotional into the physical.

He felt something warm trickle down his chin, and he quickly drew his hand across it. Blood. He stopped biting his lip, and glanced up quickly, a faint idea about looking for a tissue forming in his tired mind. He didn't sleep much. Every time he did, there were nightmares. Dan would see Phil in the street, surrounded by friends and a family. Happy without Dan. He wouldn't even recognise him. He resisted the urge to bite his lip again when he saw Zack stood in the doorway, watching him.

He passed Dan some tissue in silence, not even looking at Dan. At least he wouldn't have to see the disappointment in his eyes again. The look of disgust as he took note of each bruises on his arm, the scratches on the back of his hand, the bleeding lip. He pressed the tissue against the cut, wincing slightly. He glanced up anxiously at Zack again, before mumbling "Don't bother anymore Zack. I'm not gonna get better. There's no point anyway. Phil's not coming, and I know why. I'm not worth his time, or yours. I don't want your help. I don't deserve it."

_You don't deserve anyone. _

**A/N :'( That was really sad to write. Like, ouch, my heart. Sorry if it seemed a little confusing, but I was trying it out to see if it sort of portrayed how confused all of this was making Dan. I'm not sure if it worked very well, but I figured it was worth a shot. Now we have the reviews, but first a quick shout out to niamhm1801 MY NEWEST INTERNET BUDDY:D HAI! :3 **

**Jpuddleduck22: YAY! He was… not anymore **** poor danny :/ Thank you! **

**Katethecrazy: I will never give up, I promise! I might disappear for a while, especially when I start sixth form, but I'll never give up:P erm, he's not feeling better anymore, and I feel horrible about it :/ I'M SORRY FOR DOING THIS TOO YOU, OK? HAVE SOME INTERNET AWESOMNESS AS AN APOLOGY! :D *whispers* there's NO chapters until they are reunited. THAT'S RIGHT, NEXT FREAKING CHAPTER! Because Dan has to get better somehow, doesn't he? :D **

**Guest: I HAVEN'T DIED AND I DON'T PLAN ON DYING ANYTIME SOON! I may not be the most active person, but hopefully my heart isn't going to give way anytime soon :P I MISSED ALL YOU GUYS TOO! THANK YOU, AND I ALWAYS WRITE IN CAPS TOO :P **

**Synchronicity7745: I don't even know why but this is a really awesome username :P And thank you! :3 **

**Rainbowpeaches: YAY! REALLY, YOUR FAVE? WOW! THANK YOU :D **

**Godlytsundereleo: Thank you :P haha omg that made me laugh so much when we read that review :P Imagine Phil just like "I'll take all your Dan's please!" AND YES, YES THEY ARE. GOTTA LOVE SOME NEVERLANDNAT :D **

**YouTubeFanfiction: YAY! MOTIVATION :D thank you! :3 **

**Alice: Yup :P Jupiter was fun, but I came back :D Thank you :P I've actually read through the whole thing a few times, and I discovered it is possible to make yourself cry :P **

**Lubricatemyllama: Just. The. Username. Why do you guys do this to me? My ribs hurt from laughing :D sorry that Dan's got bad again, please don't hate me **

**Saffarinda:** **Imagine getting to read fanfiction forever! That my friend, is heaven :P Thank you! And of course we can talk and share randomness, it's my fave thing :D YAY FOR INTERNET COMMUNICATION! **

** .184: Internet buddy? HAI! THANK YOU YOU FREAKING AWESOME PERSON :P **


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50: The note **

He stared at the piece of paper of the floor, eyebrows furrowed in frustration. He couldn't believe he'd regressed this much. They were back to passing notes. He was so pathetic that he'd fallen all the way back to the beginning. What was the point in him even trying again? It was obvious he couldn't do it. He wasn't strong enough.

He just couldn't cope with seeing Zack anymore. He hated seeing the disappointed look on his face every time he noticed a new bruise, new mark. He couldn't stand his sympathy either. He didn't want to hear about how Zack believed in him, how he could get through this, how they were going to work together to get through this. How everything was going to be ok. Dan knew it wouldn't be. Life isn't a fairy tale, there aren't happy endings. Sure, there were for some people. The lucky princes and princesses, the rare few that got the life they wanted. Dan had been a prince for those few months, but now he was just Dan. And everything was not going to be ok.

He groaned as he clambered robotically out of the bed, eyes trained on the paper. He thought he heard a faint chuckle outside, but he stayed quiet. He bent over, wondering why Zack was so cheerful. Whatever it was, he hoped it lasted a long time. After everything Zack did for him, all the stuff he had to deal with, he deserved all the happiness he got. He propped himself gingerly against the wall, wincing slightly as a large bruise on his arm pressed slightly against the cold concrete. A small breath hissed through his lips, and then he slowly opened the note, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment.

After a moment his eyes opened again and he skimmed the words, eyes widening as he read the message scrawled there.

_Hey Dan, good news! A boy turned up, I managed to sneak him into one of the unused back classrooms_. _Black hair, blue eyes, sound like anyone you know? _

Dan felt the paper slip from his hands and it fluttered slowly to the floor. Dan was frozen in place, eyes wide and hands trembling slightly. A few seconds of silence, and then a creak as the door opened slowly. Dan finally moved, twisting slightly to look at Zack. He was stood in the doorway, his eyes averted to an empty corner of the room. "I thought you might want to speak to him, but don't worry, I'll get rid of him." Dan stepped forward quickly, grabbing Zack's arm as he replied "No! Of course I want to talk to him. I just… I can't believe it!". A humongous smile spread across Zack's previously worried face. "Oh, good!" he breathed "I was worried because you didn't say anything and I wasn't sure if maybe this would make things worse and" Dan's chuckle interrupted him, and Zack smiled again. Zack motioned towards the door before asking "Shall we go then?".

Dan started to nod, but then his fingers automatically trailed up his arms, pressing lightly on the bruises. Zack reached forward to move his and away, and Dan suddenly froze. "I- I can't" he stammered, shaking his head vigorously. "I can't see him." He glanced down at his arms. They were a mottled yellow and purple, interspersed with dark patches of brown. "He can't see me like this" he whispered, eyes pleading. Zack swallowed, biting his lip, and replied "I think you have to Dan. This" he motioned to Dan's arms "isn't going to get better without you seeing him, is it?". Dan shook his head slowly, trying to ignore the queasy feeling in his stomach. "But" he started, but his voice trailed off as he watched Zack remove the brown jacket he was wearing. He passed it to Dan wordlessly, and he slipped it on quickly, pulling on the sleeves to cover his arms completely. "Thanks" he whispered, and without another word, they left the room.

They were walking through the endless corridors, and Dan kept adjusting the sleeves of the jacket nervously. As a distraction he dug a nail into the palm of his hand, but pulled it away quickly. Phil had come, Phil was here, Phil hadn't left him behind. He caught a glance from Zack and moved his hands to his sides, showing him a small smile. Zack returned the smile before saying nervously "Erm, Dan, I know I can't tell you what to do, and I won't. It's just… well… I think Phil needs to know about your… all this. It's just… If you guys are this serious about each other, it's gonna be hard to hide, and I don't think you should try." Dan's only reply was to mumble "Trust." Zack nodded, and they went the rest of the way in silence.

**A/N: DUN DUN DUN PHIL'S BACK! YAY! Sorry for ending it like this, this chapter was originally gonna contain the reunion, but I have to stop writing tonight because SO MUCH STUFF TO DO FOR MY FIRST DAY OF SIXTH FORM TOMORROW KILL ME PLEASE! I didn't want to make you guys wait for ages, and I did promise something today, so I give you this :D The next one, CONTAINING THE REUNION should be up by Sunday evening at the latest :D I'll try and get it up soon though :3 without further ado, review responses!**

**Lillyofyoutubeobsessions: Sorry :P still a while to go in this fanfiction I'm afraid :D You probably hate this cliffhanger, huh? I PROMISE YOU THEY GET BACK TOGETHER IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, AND IT IS HAPPY AND PROBABLY A LITTLE SAD BUT MOSTLY HAPPY :p **

**Katethecrazy: Sorry for the emotion destroying :D hopefully this cheered the emotions up a bit, although I guess this was sort of a little sad to :/ GOD GEORGINA, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST WRITE HAPPY THINGS? :P **

**Jpuddleduck22: Sorry I sort of split it in two :/but yay for togetherness and I'm sure Phil will help Dan get better :D **

**GodlyTsundereLeo: I'm sorry bro, but Phil's here now! THEY'RE IN THE SAME FREAKING BUILDING! Phan will insue, I promise :P and I promise Dan will get better eventually :D **

**Niamhm1801: HOW ARE THINGS YOU AWESOME PERSON? :P I think the chapters have been getting shorter recently, I'm trying to make them a bit longer :3 Thank you :D **

**Synchronicity7745: I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT, IT SOUNDS COOL :D Dan will be happy again, I promise :3 **

**Alice: I'm actually to scared to read through tfios again to be honest, but I am getting my mum to read it because I AM HORRIBLE BUT I BET SHE DOESN'T CRY BECAUSE SHE NEVER CRIES AT ANYTHING NO MATTER HOW SAD SHE DIDN'T EVEN CRY AT MARLEY AND ME THE MONSTER! Thank you so much, you're so nice! Bai for now :D **

**Missionlionheart: Really? THANK YOU :D please don't cry when Phil returns, then I'll feel mean **** I get those sleep deprivation feels, I once cried at someone popping clingfilm :P I will never stop writing, it's too much fun and you guys are too nice! I always ramble haha :P **

**Rainbowpeaches: Well, does this count? They've sort of found each other :P **

**Potatoes-are-not-for-sex: I'm sorry **** Thank you though :D BOO SCHOOL I DON'T WANNA GO! The annoying thing is I don't actually have to go anymore, but if I don't I will probably be disowned or something and my life will be just as bad as the experience of the next 2 years, so I'm going to try and force myself to go through with it. If only fanfiction could make a living :P *shares cupcakes and jellybabies with you!* :D **

**Escapingthesameway: Sorry for all the intense feels, glad you liked it though! :D I cry a lot when I watch fan videos of them both, because gah emotions :P It will be completed, don't worry! I have loads of ideas for other phanfictions but I won't let myself start them until I've finished this one, so it will most definitely be finished :D You should totally write some fanfiction, and PM me when it's done so I can read it! I had this account for a long time before I finally decided to upload something, and trust me, it's brilliant! AND TEXAS? AWESOME! Have some hugs all the way from Britain, near London, so close to Dan and Phil it hurts :P **

**A: THANK YOU! And here you go :D **

**Phangirljasmine: YAY, I LOVE LONG REVIEWS! I'm glad I've written this then! I prefer long ones too, but I never really had an idea I was interested enough in to develop into a long one, and I didn't want to attempt it on one I wasn't excited about because I've written so many things that I've just stopped halfway through from boredom **** AND SOMEONE RECOMMENDED THIS? BLIMMING HELL, THIS IS AWESOME! Thank you so much, you're so lovely! :D **

**Lubricatemyllama: SORRY I CAN'T ACTUALLY TYPE YOUR USERNAME WITHOUT BURSTING INTO LAUGHTER XD phil has come for him! Yay! :D **

**Guest: Thanks :D Of course you can use the quiet room idea, and good luck with your fanfiction! If you put it up on here PM me so I can read it :D **

**Nerdandproud2: I'm sorry for sadness **** Phil has erm sort of found him I guess :/ **

**Saffarinda: who doesn't want neverending fanfition? THEY ARE SO CLOSE TO BEING TOGETHER AGAIN SO BE HAPPY :D**

**The art of falling up: I am a master in the art of falling up :P well, the art of falling in general :3 Of course I'm gonna write more! **


	51. Chapter 51

**Chapter 51: I love you **

He gripped the door handle and swallowed nervously, before letting out a small breath. He turned the knob and pushed gently, stepping into the room. His eyes flicked around the room quickly, freezing on the figure by the window. He was a little taller than Dan remembered, but apart from that, he looked exactly the same. He was staring out the window, but Dan could imagine the look of awe on his face. He took another step in the room, and saw the boy stiffen as his footstep echoed through the disused room. He swallowed again quickly, before croaking "Phil?". The dark haired boy had swung around so quickly that Dan didn't register it, just the boy clinging to him, arms wrapped around his waist, head buried in his neck. After a second his arms wrapped tightly around Phil, and he felt the warm tears rushing down his face. He ran his fingers slowly through the raven hair, fingers trailing up and down his back. They were both shaking, and Dan couldn't focus on anything but the feeling of having Phil close again. The warmth of his body as close to Dan's as was possible. The softness of his hair, the feeling of his arms wrapped tightly around Dan. The feeling of being wanted.

His heart was fluttering in his rib cage, and he throat was frozen. He opened his mouth, tried to say something, but quickly shut it again. What would he say anyway? There was a quiet cough and they both sprung apart automatically, grinning when they heard Zack chuckle. Dan was grinning and Zack smiled back at him, eyes bright, before joking "You guys aren't in the home anymore! No need to be so jumpy". Phil laughed before sneaking his hand into Dan's, who leaned lightly against him. A look of worry flashed quickly across Zack's faced before he continued, more seriously, "Well, actually, you do still need to be careful. Dan's not allowed visitors, heck, they don't even know Phil's here. If this is gonna happen, we need to be really careful!". Dan raised an eyebrow before asking "If whats gonna happen?". Zack grinned again before replying happily "Well, I figured you'd want to see Phil now he's found you! So, we're gonna make sure you do. Like I said, it'll have to be sneaky, but I reckon we can do it." Dan felt Phil squeeze his hand gently, and he glanced over at him. He was grinning, his cheeks still flushed slightly, his eyes bright a sparkling. Dan hadn't done his eyes justice. They were the purest, clearest blue, and they rippled with shine. Phil chuckled slightly, his tongue poking out, before teasing "Did you think I would just gonna find you and disappear again? I'm staying. I'm gonna come visit you as much as I can, and Zack's gonna help." Dan nodded slightly, unable to tear his eyes away from Phil's. He felt a gentle squeeze of his shoulder, and finally managed to pull his eyes away.

Zack was stood there, grinning happily, but his grin faltered slightly. He just nodded at Dan before leaving the room. Dan turned back to Phil, who was rubbing circles slowly on the back of his hand. "I- I missed you" he stuttered, and Phil chuckled again. "I missed you to!" he exclaimed, before reaching for Dan's other hand. Dan glanced down, and caught a glimpse of a bruise. He quickly let go of Phil's hand, discreetly pulling his sleeves down. He thought he saw a flash of pain disturb the shine in Phil's eyes, and he nodded quickly towards the wall before asking "Wanna sit?".

They were both propped up against the wall, and Dan shuffled slightly closer to Phil, unsure of what to say. There were so many things he wanted to say, wanted to tell him. He just didn't know how. He pushed down lightly through the jacket and then pulled his arm away quickly. He heard Phil shuffle slightly next to him, and he glanced over to find him staring at the floor. "Look" Phil said, and Dan leant closer to him. "I was worried that you'd… well, not forgot me" Dan interrupted quickly exclaiming "Of course I didn't forget you! I couldn't text because" Phil shushed him before saying "I know, Zack explained. I wasn't worried that you'd forget… more that you'd changed your mind. Realised you didn't love me, that you could do better. It's fine if you have" What Phil was saying sunk in, and Dan snorted. "As if!" he exclaimed "If anyone should change their mind, it's you!" Phil raised his eyebrows before replying "No way am I ever gonna change my mind." Dan grinned before replying "Me neither."

A while later Dan was leaning heavily onto Phil's side, his head resting on his shoulder. Phil had his arm lightly draped over his shoulder and his face was buried in Dan's hair. Dan took a deep breath, and Phil raised his head, watching him curiously. Dan tried to ignore the fluttering in his chest turning into a worried pounding as he thought about what he was about to do. "Hey, Phil?" his voice trembled, and Phil wrapped his arm more tightly around him before whispering "Yeah?". Dan took another deep breath before saying "You-" he paused before blurting "How did you find me?". He flinched, furrowing in his eyebrows. He would just have to say it. Zack was right, Phil needed to know. He glanced over at Phil, who was watching him intently, and he gave him a small, what he hoped was reassuring smile. "Dan" he murmured, brushing a small piece of hair out of his eyes, making Dan's forehead tingle. He heard Dan's small intake of breath and smiled before continuing "That's obviously not what you wanted to say. Go on, what is it?". Dan closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and asking carefully "Do you know what this place is?". Phil nodded and replied "It's for kids with behavioural problems and stuff like that right? I guess they sent you here because of your attacks." Dan nodded slightly before whispering nervously "Yeah, I think that's why they sent me here originally. But, I, erm, I kind of need to be here. I've become… well it hasn't… er" he faltered for a few seconds before falling silent. Phil gave him a sympathetic smile before saying reassuringly "Take your time. I promise I'm not going anywhere."

Dan took another deep breath before quickly and violently pulling his sleeves up. He swallowed, watching Phil's eyes travel down and the smile slowly slide of his face. Before he could look back up at Dan, he turned his head away, not wanting to look him in the eye. "I was worried I'd never see you again, and I was angry about everything that had happened, and I just wanted to be in control and this distracted me. It was something I could control, and it was something I could do without hurting anyone else. Well, until I got found out. And until you came back for me." After a few minutes of silence he turned his head slowly to face Phil, biting his lip. Phil was staring at him intently, his eyes showing nothing but worry. None of the anger, the hate that Dan expected to see. Phil gave him a small, sad smile before saying "I'm sorry Dan. I never should have" Dan interrupted him quickly, his voice tinged with anger. "This is not your fault Phil. There's nothing you could have done. I was the idiot that made the bad choice." Phil chuckled slightly, quickly wiping his eyes before saying "You're not an idiot Dan, you just made a mistake. I've made plenty of them, and so has everyone else." Dan smiled at him gratefully, but before he could say anything Phil continued "And I'm gonna help you. We'll get through this together, ok? We'll figure something out." Dan didn't know how, but he believed Phil. He always believed Phil.

Dan placed his head back on Phil's shoulder and yawned, exhausted. He heard another faint chuckle and felt Phil bury his head back in Dan's head and he grinned. He had missed Phil so much, and now he wondered how he'd ever thought that Phil might not come back for him. Phil murmured in to his hair "I love you" and Dan's brain suddenly took him back. He remembered doubting his feelings. _That was the hormones _e scolded himself, the smile sliding of his face as he whispered "I love you to. Always."

**A/N HEEEWWWWOOOO :D THEY'RE TOGETHER AGAIN! HAPPY? YAY! :D You'd waited so long, at that was your reward, so I hope you liked it! I decided not to go for the whole movie style perfect reunion where they spin each other around and stuff, although I think some of you guys might have liked something completely happy and lovely like that. But I hope you guys liked it anyway! :3 Now time for review replies :P **

**KateTheCrazy: hahahahaha another thing to torture you guys with! I can reveal that we will not find out how Phil found him until the sequel :P sorry! **

**Orangesofsymmetry: HERE YOU GO :D no need to thank me, theres no way I could have kept them apart! Keeping them separate for this long was a challenge, I couldn't have done it much longer :P **

**YouTubeFanFiction: Yeah, sixth form kinda sucks right? Not as bad as I thought it would be, but still ugh :P **

**RainbowPeaches: Yay you were satisfied :D and yay for fangirling! **

**Alice: Sorry, but not finding that out till the sequel :D Thank you, and Bai for now! :P **

**Iwishiknew: I'm sorry for your feels! D: but yay they're together again! :P Thank you! :3 **

**Synchronicity7745: Here you go :D There was Phan in this chapter, yay! **

**Nerdandproud2: Of course I replied, I try to reply to everybody! You are not invisible, at least not here :D I always ramble :P **

**Playwithlife: Hello again, I missed you! :D School's horrible right? And the world irritates me too, but fanfiction, twitter and YouTube are pretty good ways to get away from it for a while :D THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN! :D OMG, IMAGINE IF I DID THAT? THAT WOULD BE TRULY CRUEL! Dm me if you want, ok? Cheer up, we love you! :3 **

**The art of falling up: Yay, I was hoping for some intense moments :D Thank you! :3 **

**Meganroseee: Hey, my familyalways look at me like I'm nuts :P hell, I look at me like I'm nuts :P THANK YOU YOU AWESOME PERSON :D **

**Purple lemonade can: They're back together, yay for happy! :D **

**A: Yeah, sorry about the length :/ it was meant to be this chapter and the last one combined, but I didn't want to make you guys wait ages :3 I hope you didn't cry too much! :D **

**Lubricatemyllama: DID YOU SCREAM? HOPEFULLY NOT TO LOUD, WE DON'T NEED YOU ENDING UP IN THE HOME TO :P **

**Papayallama: THEY'RE TOGETHER AGAIN *YODELS WITH HAPPINESS* Thank you, and I love you too! :D x**

**Georgiedanosaur: *tackles you* why hello there! :D I'm sorry for making you cry, cheer up missy! But yay for laughing! :D you even hated me? Meanie **** Thank you anyway :D nice to know someones proud of me procrastinating on this site :P Thank you so much, you too nice! :3 There is a miles long "why Georgina is amazing" list, but it's about you, not me :D You are seriously amazing and awesome and I'm gonna be quiet know before I start gushing :D **


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